32. The Proper Distance Between Us

Worrying about the well-being of a loved one was natural for anyone, but in Nikolai’s case, it was something more special.

Harming others was a taboo in religion.

Since the moment he resolved to take revenge on those who had thrown his mother and himself into misery, killing had become inevitable.

Once revenge began, no matter how much he tried to minimize the damage, others besides the direct perpetrators would also suffer.

It was clear that far more people than he imagined would end up enduring hardship.

To judge people on behalf of the gods was an overreach and a deception against the gods themselves.

But Nikolai, who had no hope for life nor fear of death, was not afraid of divine punishment from the gods.

When he groaned in pain and begged for salvation, the gods had merely stood by and watched.

Even if the gods, enraged by a mortal defying them, decided to take his life, it didn’t matter to him.

Whether it was fate or death, there was nothing under the heavens that frightened him anymore—until he met her and became the most fearful man in the world.

He was afraid. Afraid that the gods might take her away as punishment.

“It seems I revere you.”

Otherwise, there’s no way to describe this feeling.

I have no way to control the fear I feel because of you.

Katya would never understand how significant she was to Nikolai, no matter how many hundreds or thousands of words he used to explain it.

“Revere me? That’s an exaggeration.”

Completely unaware, Katya simply smiled brightly, revealing her neat teeth.

All of her expressions delighted him, but Nikolai especially loved it when she smiled.

Whenever she smiled like that, it felt as if the whole world regained its true colors.

In his world, filled with a cold, blue-gray chill, warm yellow sunlight seemed to pour down.

He always wanted to make her smile.

Perhaps that’s why, whenever he saw her, he couldn’t stop himself from constantly teasing her, even though it wasn’t his usual nature.

“Is this why you couldn’t focus during the sparring session?”

Nikolai asked, handing her the pocket watch that had fallen to the ground.

“I feel like I’ve picked this up for you before. Is it important?”

“Yes, it is. My dad gave it to me as a birthday present when I was a child.”

“It doesn’t seem to be keeping the correct time. How about getting it repaired?”

He asked, worried that it might have been damaged from the fall.

It was nearing noon, but the watch still pointed to dawn.

“Oh, it was like this even before I dropped it.”

“It’s always been like this?”

“I set it to run slower than the actual time.”

“Then isn’t there no point in carrying a watch?”

Katya smiled faintly at his words.

“Actually, my mom picked it out, and my dad gave it to me on her behalf. Around that time, she was bedridden every day and couldn’t come to my birthday party.”

Her face naturally showed a touch of longing as she recalled that time.

The days when her mother was still alive were still vivid, as if they had just happened yesterday.

“It was right after she was diagnosed as terminally ill. My younger sister was too young to understand, but I knew. I knew my mom didn’t have much time left.”

Around that time, Duchess Smirnov was coughing up dark red blood daily.

Worried that her children would be shocked or saddened by the sight, she forbade them from entering her bedroom.

On rare days when she felt slightly better, the duchess, though unable to leave her bed, would call Alyona to tidy her hair and attire before meeting her children.

“On those days, my mom would ask me to read aloud from the book I was currently reading. My mom was clever. I had no interest in studying, but after she made that request, I became eager to read so I could share it with her later.”

Katya smiled a little as she said this.

Before her health failed, the duchess loved reading all kinds of books.

The Duke of Smirnov, to cater to his wife’s immense appetite for reading, collected books from various countries, amassing the largest library in the South.

Young Katya read any book she could find for her mother, who spent all day lying in bed, bored.

Her current reading and comprehension skills were all thanks to those times.

One day, however, the child overheard the duke’s servants talking.

She learned that her mother didn’t have much time left.

But thinking about her mother, who pretended to be healthy in front of her daughters, and her father, who suppressed his sorrow and played along with her mother’s wishes, Katya couldn’t let them know she had overheard.

“After that day, I would cry as much as I wanted in my room before going to see my mom. I didn’t want to cry in front of her.”

The child made an effort to keep her composure, but the duchess must have noticed.

Her daughter’s eyes were always red when she came to visit.

Since the physician repeatedly warned against overexertion, Alyona would set a time limit for the children’s visits before they entered the bedroom.

While the elder daughter read aloud, holding back tears, the younger daughter would lie beside their mother and fall asleep in her arms.

“Once, while I was reading, my mom asked me what time it was. I wanted to stay with her longer, so I lied. I even set the watch back an hour or two on purpose.”

The child, with her tiny hands, showed her mother the adjusted watch as if to prove her lie.

The duchess, knowing her daughter was lying, pretended not to notice, and Alyona, waiting outside in the hallway, wiped her tears with a handkerchief and came in later than scheduled.

“I just wanted my mom’s time to pass more slowly.”

Even after the duchess passed away, Katya never reset the watch to the correct time.

It was her way of remembering her mother.

Every time she looked at the watch, which didn’t show the correct time, Katya reminded herself:

She wouldn’t waste the precious time her mother had given her at the cost of her own life.

Though she used to cry every time she talked about her mother, she had grown up enough to speak about her calmly now.

As Nikolai stared intently at Katya, he took the pocket watch from her hands and began winding it.

When he returned it to her, the watch was set even slower than before.

When Katya looked up at him, puzzled, Nikolai said,

“When I’m with you, I wish time would pass more slowly, too.”

“……”

“I want to spend more time with you.”

“Your Grace.”

“So we should get married soon.”

Nikolai smiled innocently, like a child.

Seeing her fiancé, who was already acting like a lovestruck fool despite their engagement being so recent, Katya couldn’t help but laugh along.

“Why does it always come to that conclusion?”

“I’m saying we should hurry. Let’s tell your father soon.”

“My dad might actually faint.”

If the duke heard that his beloved eldest daughter was marrying the ‘Bloody Grand Duke,’ he might clutch his neck and collapse.

The stress might even worsen his thinning hair, which he worked so hard to maintain to prevent balding.

No, the outcome was inevitable.

The duke, who used to give his daughters a silver coin for every ten gray hairs they plucked, would end up bald if his hair turned completely white.

“And you’re not seriously going to call him ‘father-in-law,’ are you?”

“Why not? Once we’re married, he’ll be my father-in-law, so of course I will.”

“If you call him that, he might faint again out of sheer gratitude. He’s a gentle, fragile man, like glass.”

“I’ll do better.”

Nikolai helped Katya to her feet, winking with one eye.

Judging by how he tried to brush things off with a laugh, he didn’t seem to have any concrete plan either.

Looking at her unreliable ally, Katya thought she would have to spend another sleepless night tonight, racking her brain over how to explain this to her father.

As they stood up and glanced around the now-empty surroundings, the two of them finally realized that everyone else had disappeared.

“Where did everyone go?”

“Shall we go look for them together?”

Nikolai naturally extended his hand toward Katya, inviting her to hold it and go together.

Caught up in his pace, Katya almost reached out to take his hand but quickly came to her senses.

It was then that she finally realized the unease she had felt when they drafted the premarital contract at the duke’s estate.

“Now that I think about it, something feels strange.”

“What does?”

“Your tone has changed.”

It had taken Katya quite some time to notice.

Still, Nikolai’s face lit up with joy at her observation.

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

“Your tone has become… a bit too casual.”

“Well, now that we’re going to be living together as husband and wife, this much is only natural. Otherwise, it’d feel like we’re strangers, wouldn’t it? Why, don’t you like it?”

“It’s not that. It just feels like we’ve suddenly gotten too close.”

“But we are close.”

“You and me?”

“Aren’t we?”

Nikolai asked with a slightly hurt expression, noticing her attitude that openly suggested she found it overwhelming.

“Do you want there to be some distance between us?”

“A proper distance would be nice.”

“What’s a proper distance, then?”

He took a step back from where he was standing.

“Like this?”

“What are you doing?”

“Is this still too close for comfort?”

As Nikolai continued to ask about the distance while stepping backward, he eventually ended up at the dock by the lakeshore.

Where would this teasing end?

Curious to see how far he intended to go, Katya simply watched until her eyes widened in alarm.

One more step back, and he would fall straight into the lake.

“How about this? Is this far enough?”

Nikolai asked one last time.

As he made a move to step back once more, Katya rushed forward and grabbed his arm, pulling him toward her.

The force caused Nikolai to tilt forward, and as Katya wrapped her arms around his waist to steady him, she ended up being pulled into his embrace.

“That was dangerous!”

Katya looked up at him from within his arms, her gaze full of reproach.

In his embrace was the most lovable woman in the world.

My love, my bride.

Looking down at her, Nikolai’s lips curved into a subtle smile.

“Yes, this distance feels just right to me.”

The man spoke with a captivating smile.

He had found it—the perfect distance between them.