February 27th, Clear ☀

For several days, In-woo seemed to be carefully watching my reaction as if he had something to tell me. He would hold his phone and heave deep sighs, or stare blankly into space.

I was extremely worried about what was wrong…

Today, In-woo, having made up his mind, opened his mouth seriously. He said he wanted to look for his parents.

He said it seemed strange that it’s been quiet even though his father would likely try to extort money now that he’s doing quite well, that it had been bothering him and he thought he should look into it, that his father might pop up later and cause problems…

In-woo’s face was full of shame as he described his father like that. He seemed embarrassed about having to explain the circumstances of such trash being his father.

Maybe I should have killed him after all.

Meeting his father’s side would be dangerous. I should probably connect him with In-woo’s mother’s side.

***

April 14th, Clear ☀

Though I had already figured out In-woo’s mother’s whereabouts, I dragged out the time a bit before telling him since it would look strange to find her right away. This time too, I casually used Raseti’s name.

When In-woo learned of his mother’s whereabouts, he nodded with a blank face. In-woo hesitated for several days. Though his deliberation was much longer than last time, I didn’t rush him and waited for his decision.

Then today, finally, In-woo went to meet his mother with me.

In-woo’s mother held his hands and apologized while crying saying she was sorry. In-woo cried too. Though In-woo’s mother had abandoned In-woo and left, it seemed the bad one was In-woo’s father. Because he had hit In-woo’s mother.

Actually, from my perspective, his mother who abandoned Kim In-woo doesn’t seem like a good person either, but since In-woo forgives her, I had nothing to say.

Violence is bad. Whether it’s physical violence or emotional violence.

Something occurred to me recently – I think I was also subjected to violence by Ezel.

Until now, I didn’t think Ezel had used violence against me. Ezel’s mindset that I needed to go to the battlefield was rational. They were just allocating me as a resource where I was needed most.

But before that?

I lost my memories. I erased them myself. I could only see my past in Ezel’s memories.

The previous me that I saw in Ezel’s memories looked very distressed. Back then, I was a weak-hearted child. I was always in pain when I was with Ezel. In a room with nothing in it, I kept crying and apologizing, banging my head against the wall or clawing at my skin with my hands. Then I put my hands to my head and blew away the memories.

I thought everything was just actions I took myself. But what if they were the results brought about by Ezel’s actions?

…

It’s probably not important since it’s from long ago, but lately when I think about back then, my chest feels tightly constricted.

Just, let’s think about In-woo. Like I’ve been doing… Since thinking about In-woo makes me feel better, so…

…

Anyway, afterwards the two of them spent some time together as mother and son, and during that time I quietly gave them space.

While waiting, I felt needlessly anxious alone. Even while knowing it couldn’t happen, I worried that In-woo might abandon me and go with his mother. After all, wouldn’t it be better to go with his mother who is his blood relative than with me who has deceived him?

But very fortunately, after half a day passed, In-woo thankfully returned to me.

Currently, In-woo’s mother has her own family so it seems difficult for her to meet In-woo regularly. I felt disgusted at myself for feeling joy at hearing that the meetings wouldn’t continue. But I was still happy. That I could still have In-woo all to myself.

The biggest gain was that In-woo’s worry about his father was somewhat relieved after meeting his mother.

In-woo honestly shared with his mother about the situation he was in in the past and his current worries. In-woo’s mother reassured him not to worry about such a bastard, saying that if there’s still no news until now, he probably died a horrible death somewhere. The mother’s words seemed to cleanly eliminate both In-woo’s anxiety and faint guilt at the same time.

Now it really seems like I could kill In-woo’s father, but let’s leave him be just in case.

Anyway, I’m glad one concerning matter has been resolved.

Overall, In-woo seemed relieved but somewhat unsettled. It’s not that In-woo himself doesn’t understand why his mother left. In-woo is a good child, and can empathize with his mother’s pain.

But on the other hand, seeing his mother who had abandoned him living happily with another family, he seemed to feel bitter comparing it to his miserable past self.

Since it will soon be our 2nd anniversary, I should suggest going on a trip to change his mood.

Since my rut cycle must have moved up, I should take medicine in advance. I’ll just suffer through it alone without letting In-woo know. That’s better.

***

November 25th, Clear ☀

It’s good that In-woo’s work is going well.

It’s good, but did In-woo have to want a job that makes his face known to others? I didn’t know having many humans liking In-woo would be this stressful.

In-woo was popular. On the internet, they talked about In-woo as they pleased. Due to my subtle use of abilities, there were no humans speaking severely inappropriate words.

What gave me a headache was the opposite. Every time I saw comments saying Kim In-woo was their boyfriend or husband or that they didn’t mind even though he’s male while looking at nicely taken videos or photos of Kim In-woo, I got angry even while knowing they weren’t serious.

Plus, there are definitely some who are serious. I recently had to quietly remove a stalker who had attached themselves to Kim In-woo. That bastard was trash who had even planned to secretly sneak into our house and film In-woo. Of course, they’re sleeping in the deep sea now.

If I had my way, I’d want to lock In-woo away on an uninhabited planet. Create an environment similar to Earth, and give him whatever he wants. It would be a much more luxurious life than here. If In-woo wanted, I could place numerous androids for him to interact with.

If I did that…

It wouldn’t be any different from a cage.

Well, from In-woo’s perspective, having something like me liking him must be even more terrible stress. I’m crazy for momentarily having such thoughts. Sometimes I want to die from how pathetic it is. Because I’m too much trash compared to In-woo, too worthless, too horrible. Sometimes the desire to confess the truth to In-woo and receive forgiveness raises its head.

But In-woo still often has nightmares. He stays up at night, and when a huge shadow suddenly looms over him, he freezes up unable to move.

I’ll probably live my whole life agonizing over this. It was my sin.

***

May 18th, Clear ☀

In-woo’s work has increased incomparably from the beginning. He’s become so busy that we even had to skip our recent 3rd anniversary.

With that happening, I quit being his manager for now.

Though it would be nice to stick by In-woo’s side forever, looking ahead to the distant future, it was better to hold back my desires a bit and build up my power. I know well from experience how pathetic it is to be a powerless being.

Since I decided to use my abilities minimally, money and power would be how I could actively help In-woo going forward. Having some proper title would be much more advantageous in the long term.

Of course, I had no intention of going around working hard myself. I planned to have an android disguised with the same appearance as me work hard while I watched In-woo’s every move from a hidden space.

At first I thought it was bad that the number of people liking In-woo increased, but while roaming the internet to catch and punish excessive ones, I discovered an unexpectedly good side.

In-woo worked diligently without taking many rest periods. Proportionally, In-woo’s fans also steadily increased. Especially with the recent drama that became popular, his recognition rose sharply both domestically and internationally.

The fans diligently consumed In-woo’s schedule broken down into small units. They viewed In-woo from various angles from the recent variety show appearance that became a hot topic, and I was both impressed and felt a sense of crisis seeing them obsess from perspectives I hadn’t even thought of. Shouldn’t I know the most about In-woo?

As In-woo’s lover, I couldn’t give up the position of knowing In-woo best to others. Of course, I knew all about In-woo’s past, but I wanted to know the charms of In-woo the actor best as well.

To study by absorbing their perspectives, I joined In-woo’s fan cafe and started collecting various opinions.

As a result, I became passionate about fan cafe activities. I liked both In-woo as my lover and In-woo as an actor. In-woo was perfect.

I made two accounts in preparation for In-woo finding out.

Though it’s regrettable not being able to be with In-woo 24 hours a day, there were some good points too, like how pretty it was when In-woo’s face brightened up when meeting me again.