A Reversal of Unrequited Love - Chapter 55

Wed.

Before recording the shocking fact, let me confess that today I finally committed a sin. A sin so great that I cannot blame others in Bremlin.

To the extent that if I were to be judged after death, today’s actions would send me to hell. It was an immoral act that made me feel disgusted with myself.

But I do not regret it. It was a decision for the North. I, Jeremy Rills, can abandon my conscience for the North and the Duchy of Erentis.

Today, all the vassals gathered for a meeting. The topic was one. When to inform the royal family of the Duchess’s obituary, and we passionately debated it. The only one who remained silent in that place was His Highness the Duke, sitting at the head seat.

While he kept his mouth shut, we agreed to hide the details. It was unanimous. For Bremlin had already shed enough blood. Hadn’t it been very red these past few days? Under His Highness’s blade, all the sinners were purged.

And if the royal family finds out the truth later? They might have to shed more blood than now. The North could be utterly devastated by a river of blood.

That had to be prevented at all costs. It felt selfish to hide the truth from the bereaved, but we had no choice. We had to ensure our survival. Even the northern locals, who lived in isolation, knew how fiery the temper of the Hener royal family was.

Even if it didn’t lead to war, the ducal house and all the vassals under it would surely be beheaded—a future too dreadful to write down.

Baron Doren suggested delivering the obituary news in the spring. I proposed sending it in three weeks. As we continued to discuss, we knew.

Now was the right time to send the obituary news.

The weather had warmed up. If the messenger rode without rest and urged the horse to its limit, they could reach the capital before the cold struck again.

But now.
Just now.

I admit it. We didn’t have the courage to deliver the Duchess’s obituary immediately. We wanted to survive by sending the obituary when the truth would be buried in rumors after a season.

I, we, will go to hell.

Even as we raised our voices at each other, His Highness did not say a word. He only occasionally looked out the window while massaging his temples.

What was he looking at? At least, it was quiet outside now.

I regretted opening the window for a moment.
A slightly noisy gust of wind blew, and its sound was like a woman’s cry. Could it be the Duchess weeping? Nonsense.

My already complicated mind became even more tangled. Damn. It’s like there’s a stone on my heart, and I can’t digest it. I should sleep early.

I’ll write down the most important fact and end the day.

So, how should I record this? Honestly, even I can’t believe the situation as I review the day. To put it bluntly, without additional context,

His Highness has lost his voice.

It was only in the evening, when we were all exhausted from the long meeting, that His Highness opened his mouth. But he only mouthed words. At first, I thought he was muttering to himself silently, but he was holding his throat and slightly furrowing his brow.

He tried to speak again.
But nothing was heard. And so, I was scared. Truly.

All the doctors in the castle had been beheaded, so we wasted time calling a village doctor. While we were causing a commotion, His Highness, who had lost his voice, was calm.

The diagnosis was aphasia. The doctor said he seemed to have lost his voice due to strong mental shock. The treatment is to regain psychological stability. Time is the medicine, and he might regain his voice at any moment.

The lack of an immediate solution drove me to despair. I had anticipated that the Duchess’s death would have a significant impact on His Highness, but I never imagined it would be this severe.

His Highness was composed. He quietly listened to the doctor’s explanation and then left a written order.

That very order is the maddening conclusion of today’s long meeting.

Tomorrow morning, a fast messenger will be sent. This is not the opinion of me or the others. It was His Highness’s stubbornness. Despite our dissuasion, His Highness was adamant.

His Highness also decided to write the letter announcing the obituary himself. This is a big problem. The His Highness I know would write down the whole story meticulously without any virtue of omission.

Switching the letter seems to be the best option.

I will probably have to do it myself. I am the only one alive who can access the Erentis seal. If it’s discovered that I switched it, I, the last survivor, will lose my life too. I must do it thoroughly.

After the meeting ended, His Highness slowly left the room. We stayed behind to discuss how to persuade him. Just then, we heard a chilling sound from outside the door.

As if on cue, we all rushed out to see a long trail of blood. The end of the blood trail was the distant back of His Highness walking away. But none of us could follow him and urge him to show his wound to the doctor.

Is it because of my lack of literary talent? I can’t think of the right expression. To put it indirectly, His Highness’s back looked so miserable.

The scriptures teach not to sin, but they do not teach how to atone for sins committed unintentionally.

Of course, one should apologize directly to the victim and do their best to make amends. But in this case, the victim…

I should sleep now.

Writing ‘I hope to survive tomorrow,’ I realize I don’t deserve it. Damn. Even if I am not forgiven, I hope His Highness is. At least he had always lived with guilt.

Thu.

I am depressed. A Thursday where I committed an unforgivable sin.

For such a day, the start was somewhat ordinary. Except for one maid being expelled.

It seemed His Highness caught the maid trying to enter the madam’s bedroom. The maid cried, and I fired her.

While giving her severance pay, I tried to console her by saying, ‘At least you’re still alive,’ but the child seemed to think it was a joke. It’s the truth, child. I swear on my honor, soul, and pride that it’s the absolute truth.

A lock was placed on the madam’s bedroom door.

Of course, His Highness has the key. As he locked the door and turned around, His Highness gripped the key tightly and bled. His hand, dripping with fresh blood, was too gruesome to look at. The sight of his white hand bones almost made me retch. Even in front of His Highness!

Surprisingly, His Highness accepted treatment quietly. Instead, with his other uninjured hand, he asked me a question.

Had the messenger departed?

He had.
And I swapped the letter. Finally. Ultimately. Knowing that if I hesitated, the North and Erentis would fall into ruin, I crushed my soul and swapped it.

Perhaps due to guilt, I had a dream while taking a nap.

A dream that pulled out fragments of the past. In some sense, a dream more terrible than a nightmare.

Right after the madam became pregnant, His Highness took me and a few others on a patrol. It was a long journey that took several months.

One night, while I was on watch, the aurora appeared.

As I silently watched the miracle in the sky, His Highness murmured softly. ‘She would like this,’ he said. Although he referred to ‘her,’ I immediately knew who he meant. There was only one woman in His Highness’s life.

Honestly, I was a bit surprised then. I thought he still cared for his wife, whom I mistakenly believed had committed adultery at the time.

I kept silent, understanding the situation. Then His Highness gave an order.

He told me to return to Bremlin and get the name of the lover from the madam. And to check how she was doing.

In retrospect, His Highness’s intention was likely the latter, not the former. But back then, I was foolish and pathetic, believing his intent was the former.

So I dared to ask.
Why are you leaving the castle? The one who committed adultery is the Duchess, so why are you leaving the comfortable castle to endure hardships?

『”Because I might say something I shouldn’t to a pregnant woman.”』

He said he couldn’t control himself. He said that in front of the madam, his emotions were unusually uncontrollable.

His voice was calm, but the cold fury beneath it was clear. He was very angry. Sensing that emotion, I became even angrier at the madam who dared to make my master sad.

Really, I should have noticed then.

If His Highness had no feelings for the madam, he wouldn’t have been so fiercely angry, even if he felt betrayed.

But His Highness was clearly angry.
He was angry, sad, and thus worried.

As I silently pondered His Highness’s words, I answered that I would go to Bremlin when the sun rose the next day. When I asked if he was thinking of divorcing her, His Highness replied that he was considering annulment.

As we all know, annulment is better for a noble lady than divorce. At that time, I thought His Highness was showing excessive mercy.

I was an idiot. Just a big-headed idiot.

After waking up from the dream, I tossed and turned on the sofa for a long time. Once I grasped the clue, things started to make sense one by one.

Sometimes, the madam’s hair would take on a golden hue.

When the sunlight played a magical trick, she would have golden hair instead of red. During those times, His Highness would just stare at her. For so long that it made the onlookers embarrassed, unable to take his eyes off her.

There’s something else.

When we heard the reason for the patrol, someone among us made a derogatory remark about the madam. At that time, His Highness sternly warned us to watch our mouths.

I should have known.
Even if His Highness didn’t realize it, we who watched him should have known.

I am troubled. I can’t dare to write it down.
Why didn’t His Highness realize it? Below are some thoughts from my contemplation.

Humans sometimes don’t know themselves. Why else would the phrase ‘without realizing it’ exist? Perhaps it was last summer. When I went home on vacation, I remember feeling choked up the moment I saw my parents’ faces. It was proof that I missed them. But until I saw their faces, I didn’t realize that I missed them.

In summary, there are emotions that arise ‘without realizing it.’

It may sound like an excuse, but both His Highness and I had a strong wall that narrowed our vision. The nightmare of that woman was too severe. His Highness firmly believed he could never love a woman with red hair.

I wonder if His Highness has realized his feelings now. I don’t think he has. And I will never tell him.

If a sinner can pray to God without qualification, I hope His Highness never realizes it.

For the rest of his life.
Please.