“The numbers haven’t completely stabilized yet, so you need to be careful.”

“Okay.”

“But it’s getting better, so let’s think positively.”

“Okay.”

“Have any memories returned?”

“…No. None.”

He firmly believed that everyone said these things out of concern for him.

‘Mr. Ju-won is really lucky.’

He had heard many people say where else would you find someone who helps this much when working part-time. Ju-eon acknowledged it too. After escaping from the research facility, he painfully experienced for a year how difficult it was to stand alone when you have nothing – not just material things, but even memories.

To make matters worse, though his original name was Woo Ju-eon, he had to live under a new identity after being reported dead. It was clear that life would have been harder for Ju-eon, who became a person without any credentials at over thirty, if Yun-jae hadn’t been there. He was grateful, and it was true that he felt a different kind of closeness to Yun-jae than others.

“But why are you sitting across from me?”

“Just because…?”

Tap tap. Yun-jae patted the seat beside him. Ju-eon hesitated. He liked Yun-jae. He was always grateful.

Every time he opened his eyes, he had lost his memories. They said he was scared at first, but later he even forgot the fact that he was afraid of losing memories.

‘Ju-eon. Do you remember who I am?’

‘…Who are you?’

‘Ju-eon.’

‘Um… do you know me?’

‘Of course I do.’

Each time, Yun-jae stayed by his side and explained to Ju-eon. Where this place was, what condition Ju-eon was in, and how far the clinical trials had progressed. Every time he forgot, Yun-jae explained slowly.

Ju-eon awkwardly stood up. Life had become more stable after moving to the outskirts of Gyeonggi-do. But though he couldn’t pinpoint exactly why, sometimes he felt like he was wearing ill-fitting clothes. Like now.

“Sit beside me.”

“But it’s examination time…”

“It’s just the two of us.”

Thump. Ju-eon sat right next to Yun-jae. Ju-eon stared blankly at Yun-jae’s face. Because his eyelashes were so long, his thin hair covering his forehead moved every time he blinked. Below that, his sharp nose and slightly upturned eyes gave off a sharp impression. Though he had been in the research facility for a long time, his regular exercise maintained his sleek body, making him look even more sensitive.

His curved fingers touched Ju-eon’s cheek. But unlike his appearance, Yun-jae was always gentle with Ju-eon.

“And you’re my lover, so I should take care of you. Who else would?”

So surely the strange one was himself. The feeling was too big to be dismissed as human affection, but too heavy to be definitively called love pressed down on Ju-eon’s chest.

Ju-eon’s body noticeably trembled at Yun-jae’s words. Yun-jae hesitated for a moment but soon reached out and wrapped his arm around Ju-eon’s waist. The distance between them suddenly closed.

The slightly roughened texture of his skin, proving he had been busy lately, was clearly visible.

Flinch. Before Yun-jae could fully touch Ju-eon’s skin, Ju-eon pulled his body back.

“Yun-jae.”

An awkward atmosphere flowed between them. His lips moved with the pressure that he should say something, but not knowing what to say first, all he could do was call his name.

With complicated feelings, he clenched his hands resting on his knees.

“I know. That you can’t remember.”

Yun-jae stroked Ju-eon’s head as if understanding. Did we, did I before losing my memories, accept such skinship as natural?

“Sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

“Still…”

Yun-jae said since he lost his memories, they should start over from the beginning. Starting as friends, step by step. He said he would wait however long it took.

“I was too hasty.”

Yun-jae apologized while touching his forehead. You’re not the one who should apologize… Ju-eon hung his head low. Though Yun-jae had never rushed him, whenever these awkward moments came, Ju-eon felt impatient and guilty.

“I’m sorry I can’t find my memories quickly…”

Did I lose my emotions along with my memories? If I never find my memories, will my feelings for Yun-jae stay like this? That would be too sorry. Because the feelings I have now were clearly not love.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m the one who said I would wait.”

“It’s already been a year. If my memories never return…”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“…”

“You’ll fall in love with me eventually.”

Ju-eon’s gaze wavered at Yun-jae’s confident voice.

“Sorry.”

“Apologizing again. I don’t want to hear any more apologies.”

“…Okay.”

“It was my decision. Don’t feel too burdened.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Yun-jae rested his head on Ju-eon’s shoulder. Even this level of distance felt unfamiliar. But unable to push him away, Ju-eon endured Yun-jae’s moderate weight while keeping his back straight.

“By the way. You know I won’t be able to see you for a while right?”

“Oh, yes.”

Ju-eon nodded slowly. Since coming out of the research facility and arriving at Earth 2, he had never been apart from Yun-jae for long. Maybe this would be a chance to get his feelings straight.

“Be careful since just adapting to your surroundings is still overwhelming.”

He was restricted from accessing media outlets as it could be bad for finding his memories. Though he resisted at first, in a situation where even Yun-jae, who was his lover, felt unfamiliar, he eventually accepted it since it might have a bad influence on him.

“Okay.”

Before being lovers, he was the person who saved his life. Ju-eon firmly believed that he wouldn’t say anything harmful to him. Ju-eon didn’t want to disappoint such a Yun-jae. He wanted to quickly love Yun-jae again like before.

Ju-eon placed his hand on his chest that was beating at a steady rhythm.

**

When he hazily opened his eyes to the characteristic low-saturation feeling of dawn, tears were already rolling down his cheeks. With each blink, he felt his eyelashes heavy with tears.

“This again.”

When Ju-eon half raised his body, tears had already welled up again and fell in drops. The tears left dark marks on his clothes. Sometimes it happens. When you clearly had a dream but the content is hazy, and only emotions remain like residue stirring in your heart.

Like someone who had lost their way, even after opening his eyes, Ju-eon couldn’t do anything for a long while, and leaning against the wall, he silently swallowed the emotions that came crashing like a tidal wave to digest them.

All he could barely remember was that someone had wrapped their arms around his shoulders.

‘It’s not even a special action…’

The emptiness when realizing the sensation of being embraced was an illusion confused Ju-eon.

Could it be a fragment of the past? Maybe it was an important scene. Ju-eon sighed while rubbing his forehead. Even thinking deeply about it, once a thought had sunk, it showed no signs of resurfacing.

“Time to get up.”

Only when sunlight started seeping through the curtains did Ju-eon get up from bed. Ju-eon stretched after muttering to himself like a sigh, then headed to the bathroom.

Swoosh. As hot water poured over his skin, Ju-eon’s mind fully awakened. While lathering up, Ju-eon rubbed the text on the inside of his thigh while showering.

Remember OSIS.

Written in cursive, he couldn’t tell exactly. For what reason, why did he engrave such text in a place hard for others to see? He even made useless deductions like it would be “oasis” if you just added an ‘a’ in the middle, but in the end, he discovered nothing.

“Should I ask Yun-jae?”

For some reason, he hadn’t been able to ask until now. Part of the reason was that it was in an embarrassing location and he worried he might be asked to show it.

How could showing such a place to your lover be this uncomfortable?

“Huu…”

He could ask without showing it, but he wanted to completely eliminate the possibility of any “suitable atmosphere” where they might confirm each other’s intimate parts.

Ju-eon sighed while washing his face. His mood dropped every time he became aware that he was unconsciously making such calculations.

He liked Yun-jae. But that was the same for his part-time coworkers, and the same for the nutritionist who prepared meals. Though he could say it was more special than them, it was just an extension of the same emotion and hard to see as completely separately special.

“I must be the strange one…”

Ju-eon muttered while looking at his face reflected in the mirror. The fact that he could be sexually attracted to men felt very awkward. Was it this uncomfortable to have others remember a past that you can’t remember?

“This is hard…”

Though he was told he didn’t have to try to recall the past, not being able to remember made him feel like a sinner.

**

The place where Ju-eon started working part-time after finishing rehabilitation was a small cafe near the hospital. After lunch time ended and customers left all at once, the cafe interior became quiet as if nothing had happened.

After finishing the dishes that had piled up, Ju-eon sat in an empty seat and rested his chin on his hand to catch his breath. Though he stumbled less than when he first started working, he quickly became tired from taking orders while staying tense.

Ju-eon’s worries that started in the morning reached even Gu-young. When he revealed his inner thoughts that he had been struggling with alone, it felt like a weight was lifted. Gu-young, who had been listening to Ju-eon’s concerns, asked while wiping the next table.

“Hyung, did you say you didn’t like men before?”

“Probably… I think so.”

Ju-eon answered vaguely because his memories weren’t complete.

That was probably the case. It was the conclusion Ju-eon reached after groping through his past in his own way. Otherwise, being this awkward even with Yun-jae couldn’t be explained. Though it was a very bad thought, he wanted to confirm the tingling sensation with someone else. So he could prove that he wasn’t broken.