Chapter 1.19

When they reached the forest, the deer that had been so visible earlier were nowhere to be seen. Instead, birds flying overhead were clearly visible. Hitting a moving bird seemed far too difficult.

Like an excited boy, he loaded a bullet into his rifle and, without hesitation, fired at a flying bird.

Chirp. With a short cry, the bird fell to the ground in the distance. Startled, she ran to where the bird had fallen. She saw the small creature, bloodied and lifeless.

She felt a mix of pity for the dead bird and amazement at how he managed to hit such a tiny target.

“I often went hunting with my father when I was young.”

“Your father?”

It was the first time he had mentioned his father. Come to think of it, she only knew about his mother, not his father.

“What kind of person is your father?”

“Hmm, let’s see. He’s a free-spirited man. My mother is the same.”

Free-spirited… In other words, his parents chose a life of freedom and indulgence over loyalty to each other. He didn’t seem to mind.

“Are you okay with that?”

She asked, and he replied with a nonchalant expression, 

“What do you mean?”

There wasn’t a trace of pain in him.

“Oh, are you asking if I’m okay? Why wouldn’t I be? Everyone lives like that.”

Karl Lavresion grinned.

“And love is just an illusion. It doesn’t really exist—though lust might.”

As he said this, his gaze rested on her. The coldness in his golden eyes left a mark on her heart. Lust. It felt like he was referring to her.

“Love isn’t something noble. It’s just a fleeting emotion. There’s no need to cling to it.”

It felt like a rebuke directed at her, someone who longed for love, who clung to it desperately.

His gaze lingered on her for a long time. Was he targeting her with his words? She couldn’t respond. She simply lowered her head and stared blankly at the dead bird. Her heart beat slowly. Silence scattered like sand.

“Leti, do you want to try shooting?”

It was Karl who broke the silence. He nudged the rifle in her hands and asked. Still staring at the dead bird, she nodded.

The deer didn’t appear. Following his instructions, she aimed at a bird perched on a tree and pulled the trigger.

Bang! The loud sound of the bullet firing startled her. The bird cried out and flew away. The bullet missed. She failed to hit the target several more times after that.

“That’s how it always is at first. It’s okay.”

He spoke as though to console her. She nodded. In truth, even as she fired, she didn’t want to hit her target. She didn’t believe she had the right or the strength to take a life.

“Hunting doesn’t seem like my thing…”

She murmured, placing the rifle down.

“That’s a shame.”

Forcing a smile, she took a step back. Then, she watched as he shot and hit his prey. Every shot he fired landed.

Birds, squirrels, chipmunks, weasels, rats, raccoons, and foxes—small animals fell one after another. Even as he killed them, he remarked that it was unfortunate there weren’t any larger ones.

The light brown soil began to turn red, like his hair.

He resembled blood and death. She had once thought of dolphins when she looked at him… 

Was that the delusion of a naive girl, blinded by love? 

She smiled bitterly.

He didn’t bother collecting the prey he had hunted; he left them on the ground.

“Skinning them is too much trouble. If we leave them, the wild animals will take care of it.”

Now, she understood. His unintentional kindness and the sweet words he spoke were all born from indifference.

Her bitter smile didn’t fade. For some reason, the dead bird reminded her of herself.

***

Walking around the villa’s vicinity had grown tiresome. She was the first to speak.

“Should we go swimming?”

“Huh?”

He blinked in surprise. He hadn’t expected the words to come from her. She repeated herself.

“I want to swim.”

He seemed flustered and didn’t respond immediately. It was a word they had both avoided, as if by mutual agreement. But when she didn’t retract her question, he furrowed his brows, visibly uncomfortable.

“Are you serious? Won’t it be cold? It hasn’t been that chilly lately, but you’re always sensitive to the cold.”

“…I still want to do it.”

Karl let out a thoughtful hum. He stared at her thick fur coat and scarf. His gaze seemed to hold unspoken words: How could someone so sensitive to the cold suggest swimming?

“I just feel like I’ll regret it if I don’t.”

She clutched the hem of his shirt.

“We’re… leaving here soon, aren’t we?”

She could feel the end of their time at the villa approaching. They couldn’t stay here forever.

She couldn’t stay with him any longer. If she did, she would be reduced to tatters—like that dead bird.

There was also the unresolved issue of her mother. 

Was mother worried about me? Searching for me? Or resenting me?

She was probably resenting her. For leaving her behind. Her mother’s venomous gaze came to mind.

It wasn’t just her; Karl was the same. He, too, had to return. She had caught glimpses of his subordinates coming and going from the villa. Late at night, when she closed her eyes and time passed, he would begin his work. He was busy.

“You have to go back soon, too.”

“……”

Karl Lavresion didn’t deny it. His gaze simply darkened. He glanced at her hand gripping his shirt before intertwining his fingers with hers.

“We can’t let you catch a cold, so let’s keep it short.”

Even though she had brought it up, she had secretly hoped he would suggest staying a little longer. She accepted her disappointment calmly and nodded.

Before heading to the lake, they returned to the villa to pack a change of clothes and towels. As they walked back to the lake, they held hands in silence.

She had a strange premonition that once they left this villa, their relationship would fade away. Her grip on their interlocked hands tightened.

Was this just my baseless assumption? Was I jumping to conclusions? Maybe he wasn’t thinking anything at all.

Overthinking always made life harder, as it did in moments like this.

“Leti, it’s easier if you leave only your undergarments on.”

They had arrived at the lake before she realized it. Karl Lavresion removed his shirt, leaving only his clinging trousers. Since she was wearing a skirt, she followed his advice, removing all her clothes except for her undergarments. Then, she stepped into the lake before him.

“Leti!”

He raised his voice in alarm.

A strange exhilaration bubbled up inside her. She trusted that the water would be shallow and that if she were to fall, he would save her. As she had expected, the water wasn’t deep. She waded further in.

“Leti, it’s dangerous. Don’t go any deeper.”

He followed her, trying to stop her. Even as the water reached her shoulders, she kept walking. Instead of fear, she felt a deep sense of peace. She wanted to sink into this water forever.

“Leticia Evris!”

He grabbed her shoulders and turned her around. Only then did she stop walking.

“Are you insane? What are you doing?”

Was this madness? 

He rarely got angry, but his face now showed fury. She stared at his angry expression before shifting her gaze to the water and the sunset-streaked sky behind him.

Maybe she really was losing her mind. Or perhaps she had already lost it.

Why had I become like this?

The thought crossed her mind that it wouldn’t matter if she died now. There was nothing keeping her alive.

Her mother, the Baron, the Emperor, Karl Lavresion… None of them loved her. None of them needed her.

She was tired of desperately seeking love and clinging to it. She felt miserable. She hated herself for yearning for something she knew was unattainable.

If she wanted to escape this pit, maybe dying was the only way out. It was all her fault, anyway.

“Leti! Snap out of it!”

Karl Lavresion shouted. He grabbed her face, forcing her to meet his gaze.

She didn’t want to look at him. She closed her eyes. Then, he kissed her. It wasn’t a kiss filled with passion but a rough and dry one.

He bit her lip. The sharp pain and the bitter taste of blood brought her back to her senses. Her eyes opened.

“Leti.”

This wasn’t fair.

She muttered inwardly. If he looked at her with those eyes, she couldn’t help but misunderstand again. She would inevitably fall back into the same foolish thoughts. She pushed against his shoulders. Then, recalling how he had swum before, she submerged herself in the water.

“Leti, stop it!”

This time, she had only intended to swim…

Karl pulled her out of the water and held her tightly. Even as she struggled, he didn’t loosen his grip.

“Leti, stop. Please, stop…”

She would misunderstand again.

She didn’t want to misunderstand anymore.

No. She truly didn’t want this anymore.