Chapter 1.20

She bit down on her bleeding lip once more. The stinging pain was accompanied by the taste of blood filling her mouth.

She truly wanted to stop now. Her mother, the Baron, the Emperor, Karl Lavresion.

If she was the only one struggling, wasn’t it time to let go?

She hadn’t wanted to give up on her mother. That feeling had been genuine. But now, she was exhausted.

Wanting a life like everyone else’s… She was ready to give up on that, too.

She laughed through her tears. Giving up on something always served as a reminder of past deficiencies and the emptiness of the present.

Deep within her heart, she accepted the act of letting go. A familiar resignation filled her chest.

She didn’t embrace Karl Lavresion in return. Instead, she gazed intently at the yellow moon. A moon as bright and yellow as his eyes…

He meticulously dried her soaked body with a towel and even dressed her. Unlike his usual chatter, he kept his lips tightly sealed, not saying a single word. She, too, chose not to speak unnecessarily.

It was the same on their way back to the villa. Perhaps out of unease, he forcibly dragged her into the bathroom to bathe together. Even then, neither of them spoke a word.

As they lay in bed, just before closing her eyes, Karl Lavresion finally broke the silence.

“I made a mistake.”

He didn’t elaborate further. 

What mistake had he made…?

Once again, she resorted to her usual coping mechanism. Her body instinctively surrendered to sleep. She willingly let herself drift away.

The next day, both she and Karl, as if by mutual agreement, began preparing to leave the villa. She had no belongings to take with her, so her hands were free.

“You’re not leaving anything behind, are you?”

“There’s nothing I brought with me…”

He nodded and climbed into the carriage. She followed shortly after, and soon, the carriage began moving.

Although they had only stayed for about two weeks, she felt a strong certainty that she would never forget this place. She kept her eyes on the villa until it disappeared into a speck in the distance.

The carriage traveled for a long time. They had departed in the afternoon, but now the sun was setting. Until then, neither she nor Karl had spoken a word.

As dusk approached and hunger set in, he finally spoke to her.

“Let’s stay overnight in a village. It’s an awkward time to keep traveling.”

“…Alright.”

His curt tone made it clear that he had completely grown tired of her.

And why wouldn’t he? After all the incidents she had caused at the lake. At first, he had been kind and accommodating, but eventually, he must have grown weary and frustrated.

Still, her chest ached. Facts and emotions were two different things.

She accepted his changed demeanor. He wouldn’t come looking for her anymore, talking about some grand destiny or fate. In fact, it was better this way. By spending a few nights together, she had paid off whatever debt she owed to that so-called destiny. It was truly a relief, a blessing. She should have been happy. There was no reason to feel heartache. No reason to dwell on it or dig deeper. She knew this well.

She clenched her fists, trying hard not to cry. Her nails dug into her palms, and thanks to that, no tears fell. That, at least, was a small mercy.

Even when they arrived at the village and searched for a hotel to stay in, she and Karl remained silent. Instead, he talked more with the knight who had accompanied them.

After arranging for a hotel and stepping inside, he spoke.

“I booked separate rooms.”

“……”

“See you tomorrow, Leticia.”

He handed her a key and walked away without looking back.

Her prediction that she would end up in tatters had been correct. Her chest felt like it was shattering into pieces. She had never felt such searing pain in her heart before.

Standing there, she began crying uncontrollably. Passersby stopped to stare at her.

It was really over.

He no longer called her “Leti.” She had wished for him to stop using that nickname, yet now that he didn’t, she cried. She knew how foolish she was, but she couldn’t stop the tears.

She stood there crying for a long time. During that time, Karl was nowhere to be seen.

She hadn’t even managed to be an “suitable woman.”

***

Karl safely escorted her back to her home. He glanced briefly at the house’s window. Following his gaze, she saw her mother’s eyes peering through the curtain. It sent chills down her spine.

“I don’t think I can stay long to say goodbye.”

He gave her a bitter smile and waved.

“Take care, Leticia.”

The nickname that had vanished once never returned. Avoiding his gaze, she waved back.

She heard the sound of him boarding the carriage, followed by the clatter of hooves. He was gone for good.

Before she could fully process the farewell, the mansion’s door burst open, and her hair was grabbed.

“You wretched girl!”

“Ahhh!”

It felt like her hair was being ripped out. Her mother mercilessly dragged her by the hair into the mansion.

“It hurts! It hurts, Mother! Ahhh!”

“You filthy tramp. Spreading your legs for a man for two weeks straight?”

It was the first time her mother had ever hurled such vulgar insults at her. Her mother’s fury was overwhelming, unlike anything she had experienced before.

As soon as they entered the mansion, her mother flung her onto the floor.

“Ugh.”

The impact sent pain shooting through her body as she scraped against the hard floor. Sharp wooden splinters dug into her skin, stinging and burning.

“It hurts, Mother… it hurts…”

A servant standing in the distance merely watched, not intervening. Seeing their indifferent gaze, any plea for help died in her throat.

Her mother’s foot struck her head.

“Ugh…”

This time, she couldn’t even make a sound. The pain reverberated through her skull, leaving her trembling on the floor.

Her mother’s foot rose again. Instinctively, she raised her hands to shield her head. But her mother’s foot struck her head once more.

“Sob.”

Tears streamed down her face uncontrollably. Gripping her mother’s flailing foot, she begged.

“Mother, I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”

“You must’ve worked hard pretending to be a good daughter all this time, Leti. Isn’t that right?”

Her mother shook off her grip and kicked her cheek this time.

“Ahhh!”

The pain sent her rolling across the floor. It hurt so much. It hurt too much. She couldn’t think straight. She tried to get up and escape to her room. But then she remembered something.

She shared a room with her mother.

There was nowhere to run…

“Ahhh.”

A groan escaped her lips. Tears streamed down her face and into her mouth.

There was nowhere to escape from her mother. She looked helplessly at her mother, who was now approaching with a shoehorn in hand. A feeling of blood draining from her body overwhelmed her.

No. No.

“Baron! Baron!”

She screamed desperately for the Baron. But no response came. 

Was he not here? 

She turned to the distant servant, whose name she didn’t even know.

“Please, please help me! Please!”

No one.

No one ever helped her.

Just like before.

When she was fourteen and of age to attend the academy, she had wanted to go. She wanted to wear the academy uniform like other children and mingle with peers her age.

So, she secretly applied for admission to the academy. The acceptance letter arrived at their home, but her mother found it first.

Her mother tore the letter to pieces in front of her eyes.

‘Leti, get out.’

Her mother pointed outside, leaving her in nothing but a thin slip.

‘Get out.’

‘Mother… I-I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I’m sorry.’

‘Get out!’

Her mother screamed and threw her out of the house.  

‘Mother, no, please, no! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!’

No matter how hard she banged on the door, it wouldn’t open.  

Everyone pointed fingers at her, standing outside, wearing nothing but a thin slip.  

‘Such a vulgar mother and daughter.’

The cold wind grazed her bare skin. Yet, what hurt more were the icy stares and sharp words of the people around her.  

‘Mother, I’m sorry. Please, open the door. I promise I won’t do it again. I’ll never do it again…’

She cried and begged. For three hours, she pounded on the door with her frozen fists, sobbing. But the door remained shut.  

Eventually, she lost consciousness. When she opened her eyes, she was inside the house. Her vision was blurry. A warm wet towel rested on her forehead, and a thick blanket covered her body. Yet, her body felt as cold as if she had been submerged in icy water.  

‘You would’ve died if you stayed out there any longer.’  

It was the voice of the Baron. With difficulty, she turned her head to look at him. His face appeared faint and unclear.  

‘Ha.’ 

The Baron sighed and held her frozen hand. His hand felt so warm. That alone made tears well up in her eyes. The fact that she wanted to cling to even this small warmth… made her feel utterly miserable.  

The Baron warmed her hand briefly before leaving her alone again.  

Once more, she was left on her own.  

Her mother did not come looking for her until her anger had subsided.  

The memories she had buried resurfaced, and the fear from that time replayed itself. Her mother’s fury was even greater than before. Though she had been hit by her mother often, this was the first time she had been kicked.