Chapter 111. Madness in Anxiety

Until late into the next morning, Enoch did not let me go.

My body, exhausted to its limits, reached its breaking point. At the final peak, I lost consciousness.

When I opened my eyes again, it was well past noon.

As I slowly sat up, I noticed my body was covered with the explicit marks he had left. The bedding was a mess, to say the least.

Feeling embarrassed, I blushed and fled to the bathroom.

My reflection in the mirror was even more dismal. There wasn’t a spot without red bruises. He had bitten and sucked on me like a madman. I should have anticipated this outcome.

Sighing, I turned on the faucet to fill the bathtub. Seeing the large handprints on my thighs, which looked like blood bruises, and the dried white s*men, I shook my head. As always, but especially this time, he seemed to have lost all self-control.

‘It would have been nice to see him off.’

I had fallen asleep, exhausted from being tormented until dawn, and when I woke up, he was gone. I wanted to see him off. Even if it was a small skirmish, war was war. I didn’t know when I would see him again, which made me feel heavy-hearted and anxious.

He’ll be okay, right?

Yeah, he’ll be fine. He’s strong.

If I get too anxious, I’ll use foresight magic to check his future.

Although it shouldn’t happen, if I do see a bad future… I’ll send a messenger immediately with everything I saw.

Trying to calm my lingering anxiety, I washed away the traces he left on my body with warm water.

For some reason, I felt regret as his marks disappeared from my body. I even wished these petal-like marks would remain until he returned… a thought that seemed insane.

* * *

The atmosphere in Evitern Castle was understandably grim. The entire castle felt submerged in dark, deep waters.

In times like these, the lady of the house should encourage the retainers. Though I was just as anxious, I maintained my composure and dignity, acting responsibly as I inspected the castle and took an interest in the affairs of the estate.

War tends to stifle economic activity. The impact was already spreading to the estate, causing headaches for administrators like Gideon.

The area to watch closely was Clomency, adjacent to Ceres. Although Enoch said it would be fine, businesses in Clomency were preparing to withdraw due to unease.

While it was inevitable that some companies would leave, if more businesses closed than expected, it would disrupt the daily lives of the citizens.

Gideon planned to visit Clomency to devise countermeasures due to this concern.

I expressed my desire to accompany him, but Gideon was adamantly opposed.

“Although I fully trust Grand Duke Enoch, I cannot dismiss even a 1% chance… Please understand. If something were to happen to Your Highness, it would lead to an uncontrollable situation.”

With everyone in Evitern Castle overprotecting me, I couldn’t insist further.

Instead, I cautiously shared my thoughts with Gideon regarding Clomency’s situation.

“What if we offer tax reductions to businesses that stay during this period? Enoch mentioned something similar before….”

Gideon praised the idea as very helpful. Whether it was genuine or flattery, I couldn’t tell.

Due to the retainers’ excessive protection, I couldn’t step outside the castle. It felt like confinement, but I couldn’t be angry with people who were concerned for me without malice, so I resigned myself quietly.

After all, it wasn’t the retainers’ fault. It was undoubtedly Enoch’s order to keep me confined in the castle…

‘I should have somewhat anticipated this.’

Sighing deeply, I turned my attention back to the dictionary. During the day, I busied myself with anything I could do within the castle, but at night, there was nothing to do.

To soothe my maddening anxiety, I chose to decipher my mother’s diary.

Spending hours on this diary allowed me to momentarily forget my worries. Though occasionally, overwhelming anxiety would choke me.

There wasn’t much in my mother’s diary from June to December 1841. It was mostly about meeting and feeling excited and happy with Karthus Werner… that boy.

My mother visited the academy to meet him, became friends, frequently interacted, and eventually fell in love. It was a fresh first love.

[December 30, 1841.
Karthus gave me a jewelry box. He must like me too. Otherwise, he wouldn’t treat me so well. Sister Ymir said not to get my hopes up because you can’t know someone’s heart… but I feel Karthus is my destiny. How wonderful it would be if he asked me out? And if we got engaged… then I would have nothing more to wish for in life.]

Up to that point, it was fine. The problem started in January.

[January 7, 1842.
I’m so confused right now. Karthus wanted to introduce me to someone today… there was a woman by his side. She was a beautiful woman with blue eyes and brown hair. She looked and felt completely different from me… That woman is Karthus’s fiancée.]

[January 20, 1842.
I was too mentally exhausted to write in my diary until now. It’s still the same, but I feel I need to write it down to maintain my sanity.]

[Sister Ymir was right. Karthus only sees me as a friend. When I asked if his engagement was arranged, he got angry and called me rude. He said he truly loves his fiancée.]

[There was never a place for me in his heart. I misunderstood his kindness… But why did Karthus get close to me in the first place? Why did he confuse me? Is this all my fault?]

[February 12, 1842.
After being distant for a while, I met Karthus today and reconciled. It’s laughable. I only pretended to be fine on the outside. Inside, I’m rotting away… Karthus wants me to get along well with his fiancée. That woman, Ellenore, is considerate and kind like an angel. Like the heroine of a novel or the saints in old stories. Then am I the villainess who poisons the bride’s dress to kill her for revenge…?]

…Did I just read that correctly?

I couldn’t believe it, so I checked the text in the notebook multiple times. I read it aloud and combined the letters. Over ten times.

[That woman, Ellenore]

[Ellenore]

“……”

Stunned, I dropped the pen. My heart pounded as if it had been bombarded.

‘My name….’

My mother was the one who named me.

I still vividly remember the day she proudly hummed that story…

‘Ellen, Ella, Ellenore… I named you. I never imagined my daughter would be born with light brown hair and blue eyes, looking nothing like me…’

My fingertips, no, my whole body trembled.

It felt like opening a box of calamities. The shocking truth I accidentally encountered shook my existence to its core.

‘My name… was taken from the woman my mother’s first love cherished?’

Why would she do that?

Confused, I closed the diary and notebook. I stepped away from the desk and approached the vanity. Light brown hair and blue eyes. The reflection in the mirror was my familiar appearance.

‘…Seeing this…’

What did my mother think while raising a daughter who resembled the woman she must have despised and cursed?

What was she thinking when she passed down her magic to me…?

After avenging the Lopez family, I thought I understood my mother a little. But that was my mistake. I still knew nothing about her.

And perhaps, I would never know.

It’s hard enough for the living to understand each other; how much harder would it be with the dead?

The diary contains my mother’s secrets… but even that is just a fragment of her.

Not my ‘mother,’ but a person named Petra Raman.

I don’t know her. Just as no one fully knows me, who is someone’s wife, friend, and superior…

You, me, we don’t know each other. Forever, even in death.

* * *

A week passed since then.

By late July, reports on the war situation in Erinter were arriving constantly.

Sometimes the allied forces of Erinter and Freuden were dominant, and other times Atreos’s forces surpassed the allies.

Continuously, over dozens of times in a week, morning, noon, and night… Receiving extreme and intense war reports exhausted me.

It was like mental torture, but I had to keep checking the war situation.

Using foresight magic was the same. Almost every three days, I used magic to glimpse Enoch’s future, and each time I confirmed he wasn’t severely injured or in a dire situation, I felt immense relief.

Additionally, I frequently spied on Navaroa, hoping to find information to relay to Enoch. Though there wasn’t much to gain.

Afterward, I would inevitably cough up blood and grow weak, losing my lifespan.

I would rest until my body recovered somewhat, then use foresight again, lose more lifespan, rest for a few days, and use foresight again… Repeating this cycle in uncontrollable anxiety, like a madwoman.