Chapter 33 – Disillusionment

When Eloise was working at the bead factory, she would habitually wonder if time could flow this slowly.

But it wasn’t until she returned to Maybury that she realized something.

Compared to the leisurely pace of life here, the factory’s clock spun like a hamster wheel.

Since returning home, Eloise had completely let go of her sense of time.

It was hard to believe that it had already been a month since she came back.

The brilliant summer would soon come to an end.

The busy daily life of the capital, the characteristically cloudy skies and summer rain, the bustling squares, and the nights when she fell asleep exhausted all felt like a dream.

However, the seasons in this place retreated as slowly as they arrived.

So there was no need to feel sad about the waning summer just yet.

Not that there was any reason to anymore.

“Yawn…”

Eloise, with her thick hair loosely braided over her shoulder, let out a long yawn.

She had just returned to her room and lay down on her bed after having a simple breakfast and lunch on the first floor.

In other words, her lazy daily routine was not much different from Mrs. Mullich’s cat.

To understand why this lifestyle had become her norm, one had to look back at the night she returned to Maybury.

It was a month ago, when she had just returned from the capital and was still feeling the effects of a mild illness. In fact, she was on the verge of exhaustion.

Because of this, Eloise received devoted care from everyone in the house for a while.

Her family took turns checking her forehead, Mrs. Hearst bathed her as if she were a child, and Chef Mitchell prepared Eloise’s favorite dishes.

Even so, the hardest part was for Eloise herself, but she tried to show a bright face instead of revealing her fatigue to everyone.

After a few days, the chills that were out of season gradually subsided, and the fatigue that weighed down every cell in her body also began to ease.

Nevertheless, Eloise had not gone to church even once in the past month.

Even seeing her sister, the protagonist of the broken engagement, diligently attending church every week did not motivate her.

It was unlike her to avoid outings with her family or chatting with people about trivial matters.

The Bailey couple found it unusual but did not press Eloise to go to church.

After the long-awaited marriage of their eldest daughter fell through, the couple naturally avoided everything related to it and did not want to link Eloise’s change to the broken engagement.

Most importantly, it was clear that Eloise had been unusually melancholic before she left for the capital.

Eloise, who had said she would shake off all her worries in the vast Brightnum, returned in less than a month, utterly worn out.

Seeing their daughter after a month with a haggard face and swollen eyes, the couple was shocked beyond words.

It took some time, but at least outwardly, she had regained her original appearance, which was a relief.

But Eloise still couldn’t get out of bed.

She had to come down to the first floor to wash or eat, but she often skipped breakfast.

Not only was she unusually sleepy, but she also suffered from chronic lethargy.

“Today is especially bad…”

It wasn’t spring, so it couldn’t be spring fever at the end of summer.

Perhaps it was just her mood. It wasn’t a cold, and it certainly wasn’t overwork, but sometimes she felt so dizzy that she couldn’t leave her bed.

Today was one of those days.

“Even if I wanted to go to church today, I couldn’t.”

Muttering softly, Eloise lay on her side on the bed and closed her eyes. She could faintly hear the sound of birds from the distant sky.

The sound of the wind rustling through the trees also became clearer. She had a feeling that today would be an unusually long day.

‘When did Maybury, where I’ve lived all my life, start to feel so mundane and boring…’

Lost in thought for a moment, Eloise realized that it had been several years.

She could vividly recall what had caused it but decided not to dwell on it.

But she hadn’t expected the tedious peace of this place to feel even more burdensome after a brief stay in the capital.

After all, she had only been away for about a month.

‘Was it because I was busy working all day at the factory?’

It was hard to say that life in the capital suited her, as her awkwardness often betrayed her as an outsider wherever she went.

It wasn’t that she missed the scenery of the capital, with its streets full of trash and fat pigeons, and the weather was so rarely clear that it was a joy when it was, and there were as many annoying people as Mrs. Fulham on the streets.

It was a place that wasn’t all that lovely, and she had no significant memories there, so why did she want to go back? As if she had left something important there…

Eloise curled up weakly.

“…I need to think about something else.”

When she was so bored, and especially when she had no energy to walk outside, there was nothing better than writing in her diary.

Eloise tried to sit in front of her diary on special days without fail.

She liked that writing in her diary seemed to organize her thoughts, and it also seemed to calm and deepen her mind.

She felt like she was becoming more mature.

However, she had left her diary at Mrs. Mullich’s house when she left in such a hurry that she didn’t even pack her belongings.

The beautiful, soft diary wrapped in faded brown leather was a lifelong treasure she had kept since her girlhood.

It was so precious that she felt any special moment would quickly fade if not written in it.

Coincidentally, many of Eloise’s special days happened to be in summer. Some days, she filled a whole page even without any significant events.

Not because something extraordinary had happened, but simply because of the presence of someone who was there with her.

Thinking about it made Eloise feel somehow miserable.

“Hmm… Maybe it was good that I left it behind.”

Even if she wrote in her diary now, it was obvious what she would write about.

The voice that lingered in her ears the night she ran to catch the carriage, all the way back to Longfield, and even after she returned home, was proof.

No matter how hard she tried not to think about it, closing her eyes would always take Eloise back to that night.

‘I love you.’

Perhaps because it was raining that his low confession resonated so deeply.

Recalling that seemingly unreal resonance made her toes curl.

‘I love you, Eloise.’

Even though he was drenched in the rain, Ansel Blaine said with an endlessly immaculate face that he had loved only her from the beginning until now.

Eloise could clearly pinpoint when that beginning was.

If the coachman, who had taken the wrong turn on the way to Longfield, hadn’t stopped the carriage to ask for directions to the mansion, many things would have been different.

Her life would have been completely different from now.

She had so much to say that night in the rain. Yes, she knew well whom he loved.

His confession had struck her eyes, ears, and heart like an unrelenting invader, leaving an indelible mark.

But if that confession was sincere, why had he treated only my sister specially? He had been kind to me as he was to everyone else, without showing any particular interest.

When he was my sister’s fiancé, why was he so cold and high-handed when it was just the two of us at home? Was that also because he loved me?

Or was the claim that he had loved me from the beginning just an embellishment to shake me that day?

“…Maybe so.”

Her whisper, like a sigh, scattered.

Though his eyes had been earnest when he spoke of love that day, Eloise, who knew the weight of those words better than anyone, couldn’t help but laugh.

‘He said he’d marry my sister, whom he didn’t love, just to stay close to me?’

Even thinking about it again, it seemed crazy.

Then what was the point of holding a grand ball right before the wedding and inviting everyone? What on earth was he thinking…

The reason Eloise didn’t go to church was partly because she already guessed people would be talking about the broken engagement however they pleased.

They wouldn’t dare do it openly in front of her, but the uncomfortable atmosphere would be undeniable.

Imagining her sister enduring that silently made Eloise’s heart ache.

Her sister, who would want to hide from the commotion, was gritting her teeth for reasons Eloise understood all too well.

Her sister was still trying to protect the family, even in such moments.

‘It would have been easier if she had blamed everything on me.’

Thinking of Sarah, who had wiped away her tears instead of getting angry despite surely feeling resentful, made her throat burn.

Eloise took a deep breath, staring at the dim ceiling without turning on the light.

‘He said he tried to stay by my side in any way he could even if it meant marrying my sister, whom he didn’t love, because our marriage was not allowed?’

So, it was all because of Ansel Blaine.

If he had truly loved her, he should have shown at least a little of his heart. If he had, Elosie wouldn’t have let him make the worst choice.

But he gave no options and ended everything by his own arbitrary decision.

“That was your way, but…”

But she hadn’t expected him to do something so reckless.

That day, Ansel said he had left everything behind. In other words, he had ruined himself as well.

So what happens to him now?

She had thought that no matter how strict his family was, they would forgive their only son, but remembering his desperate eyes and trembling made her worry.

Ironically, she was worried about him.

‘Why do I have to feel guilty because of your selfish arrogance?’

She felt bitter, both hating and pitying him.

She felt utterly disillusioned with herself for feeling this way.

So, Eloise just hoped that her family would return from church soon.

She wanted them to come back quickly and dispel this silence. To finally pull her out of these painful thoughts.