79. You Make Me Love Myself
“What will others think if they see us?”
“With newlyweds everywhere, this much is needed to not stand out.”
At those words, when Katya looked around, she saw couples clinging to each other like one body everywhere.
Away from the conservative elders’ eyes, people seemed to freely show their affection even in public places at honeymoon destinations.
Katya knew that her husband’s stubbornness was no less when it came to her well-being.
At this rate, she might end up watching the sunset while standing like a statue until he carried her.
Eventually, she gave in to her husband’s wishes.
Nikolai lifted her up easily and stood.
To let this newlywed couple have their private time, Boris signaled to the knights and followed them at a distance.
“Why do you like me, Grand Duke?”
Katya asked on their way to the hotel.
He had been concerned about her uncomfortable feet due to the new shoes since they were in the carriage.
It was something hard to notice unless one paid attention to her with all their senses.
What am I that makes this man like me so much?
“Haven’t I told you? If you want, I can stay up all night telling you. There are countless reasons.”
“Just tell me one.”
“Just one?”
“Yes.”
“Because I’ve become better since meeting you.”
It was a completely unexpected answer.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m just proud of myself. Before I met you, I hated myself. I disliked everything about me.”
“For example?”
What flaws could this lovable man have that made him so dissatisfied with himself?
“Being born into the Grand Ducal family, being that man’s son, my personality that can’t trust people easily and can’t give my heart easily, just everything.”
“……”
“I was always tormented by regret and doubts about whether all my choices were the best. I was afraid of whether my choices tomorrow would be right.”
That was the weight a nation’s ruler carried.
Even small issues, once they became national policy, would affect countless citizens entangled in various interests.
Therefore, it was impossible to easily gauge what ripple effects even minor decisions and choices would create.
“I hated waking up in the morning.”
Nikolai said calmly.
“Every night when I went to sleep, I sometimes wished I would be dead tomorrow.”
Even he thought it was contradictory.
To avoid assassination while wishing for death at the same time.
In truth, he wasn’t living because he wanted to.
In his heart, he wanted to end this tiring life, but he couldn’t.
As a ruler, he had to live for the people who looked up to him.
He couldn’t die before fixing this country that his father and the boyars had ruined.
Even if he wanted to run away, he couldn’t.
“It’s not like that now. Because of you, I’ve come to like myself.”
“……”
“I like being the Grand Duke because I can give you so much. I like having this strong body that can lift you easily and protect you anytime. I like being able to smell your scent, see you with my eyes, and feel your soft touch.”
“……”
“Though my way of speaking isn’t refined, I like that I received higher education and can have conversations with you who reads many books. I’m grateful for all my senses and abilities.”
Katya quietly listened to his words.
She never expected to hear such words.
She was far more important to Nikolai than she had thought herself to be.
“I’m grateful to my past self who went to buy a shamshir that day, picked up your pocket watch, and went looking for you. I like that I chose to stop by the carriage shop when you were escaping.”
“……”
“The god of fate might call me arrogant, but I think all my choices at every moment led to meeting you that day. I’m grateful for all my choices until I met you.”
“……”
“Thanks to you, I’ve come to like myself and feel grateful for everything around me.”
He had always whispered sweet words of love to her, but this kind of confession was a first.
Ah, this was cheating.
It was a passionate confession disguised as narcissism.
“How about that? Is that enough reason for loving you?”
Katya’s throat tightened and she couldn’t say anything.
‘I feel the same way, Grand Duke. I like you. I like being myself, the me that you love.’
You make me love myself.
‘Because of you, Grand Duke, I and my world have become better too.’
Unable to speak those words aloud, she quietly rested her head on Nikolai’s broad shoulder.
She tried hard to hold back her tears that kept threatening to fall.
“You would make a good father, Grand Duke.”
A conversation they had once shared flashed through her mind.
“I won’t be able to become a father.”
“I can’t be a good husband or a good father.”
That’s how Nikolai answered.
‘But what about me? Can I be a good wife to the Grand Duke? Can I really be a good mother to our children?’
She also lacked confidence in becoming a mother.
Child-rearing was a difficult matter.
If raising healthy children with proper values were easy, the world wouldn’t be like this.
Moreover, her child might be born with a hereditary disease.
Her mother had passed away at a young age, and Bianca had barely survived death.
Bianca, who had fallen ill at a young age, was actually among the lucky ones.
On her mother’s side, many had died sudden deaths, regardless of gender.
Some died young, while others who seemed healthy suddenly fell ill and died in middle age.
The family kept it quiet for fear of affecting marriages, but everyone suspected it was due to hereditary disease.
That was also why Katya’s mother had initially rejected Baptiski’s proposal.
Though she was healthy now and had luckily received an ‘Ideal Spouse Qualification Certificate’ because the Archbishop favored his benefactor’s granddaughter, it could still manifest in Katya at any time.
What if the hereditary disease skipped a generation and appeared in her children?
Besides, even healthy mothers often miscarried, had stillbirths, or lost their newborns.
What if the children took after her instead of Nikolai and died?
Katya didn’t want to experience such pain.
“I’m not a man worthy of your love.”
That’s what Nikolai had said then.
He was wrong. He was a man anyone couldn’t help but love.
Having high self-esteem and objectively judging whether one suited their partner were different matters.
Katya loved herself but knew better than anyone that she wasn’t suitable as a Grand Duchess.
Bearing healthy children to continue the lineage was a problem, and she knew she wasn’t the type to be loved by people.
Nikolai already had many enemies.
Katya now understood how painful it was to be unable to express love even when you felt it.
Feeling tears coming, she nuzzled her face against his nape.
As she kept fidgeting on his shoulders while being carried, Nikolai laughed feeling ticklish.
“Are you trying to seduce me now? Don’t you think it’s dangerous to do this while sharing a room with a beast?”
“Grand Duke, you’re not a beast but a person.”
“Even beasts would be more proper than me. Just sharing a room with you is torture for me.”
“What’s so torturous about it?”
“I keep wanting to touch you. Want to embrace you. Want to do this and that with you in bed so badly I could die.”
Disgusted by her husband who now didn’t even try to hide his ulterior motives, Katya struggled, asking to be put down.
“Too late. That’s what you get for marrying a beast like me.”
Nikolai said while firmly gripping her legs that were flailing wildly in the air.
Katya knew that he had been deliberately teasing her since he noticed her mood had been down.
So she played along and made even more of a fuss.
Though she was bickering with him, her eyes were reddened.
If she had known she would come to love him this much, she shouldn’t have married him.
On the day they wrote their prenuptial agreement, he had said,
“For one year, I’ll do my best to be a good husband with all my heart. This is sincere.”
“Does that promise only last for one year?”
“I can’t guarantee the future after that. So when the validity period ends, throw me away without mercy.”
‘The same goes for you, Grand Duke. Just use me for a year and throw me away.’
Whatever it is that troubles you, I won’t stand idle.
Katya vowed to protect him no matter what happened while she was Grand Duchess.
If necessary, even at the cost of her own life.
***
Meanwhile, at the Despot Clubhouse, everyone was excited about the party happening that evening.
“Why is it so noisy?”
The silver-haired man who had been concentrating on playing billiards looked up, apparently annoyed by the juniors’ commotion.
It was a rare visit to the clubhouse since his graduation.
While there was an officially known clubhouse, this place was their secret hideout created for their clandestine pleasures and gatherings.
Though it was mainly used by current students, graduates would occasionally visit too.
“Did they lease this place or what?”
Though he didn’t want to act like an old fogey, the harsh words slipped out.
He was already in a bad mood because his mother had been pestering him to come to the capital.
His fellow noble alumni stopped him as he was about to go say something.
“Your Highness, please understand. Everyone seems excited because of today’s party.”
“What’s so special about a party? They’re common enough, why are they acting like this?”
“Viscountess Borodin has good taste. I hear this year’s class has many pretty ones. We’re all going. Will Your Highness join us?”
“Who’s Viscountess Borodin? Is Borodin my mother’s relative?”
The silver-haired man asked while picking his ear.
The noble beside him elbowed his clueless friend.
In fact, he was the only member of the Despot Club who didn’t know about this secret pleasure.
He had never even met Viscountess Borodin, who was a distant relative.
“Go or don’t go. It’ll be nice and quiet once everyone leaves.”
Having lost interest, he carelessly threw his cue stick and sprawled on the sofa in front of the fireplace.
While he tried to sleep with a book covering his face, the nobles, afraid of disturbing him, tactfully led their juniors outside.
The man ruled as a tyrant among his peers with his habitually irritable and quick-tempered nature.
His name was Mikhail de Vasily.
He was the wayward youngest son of the Grand Ducal family, born to Former Grand Duchess Oksana, and Nikolai’s half-brother.
