Tears burst forth. I covered my mouth to prevent any sound from escaping.

I couldn’t understand myself. What was so sad about this? Why did it have to be so hard?

The hot sensation rising below my throat boiled with heat. In that fervent temperature, I realize.

I want to be something to you. Not a first love that dies, but something that lives.

That’s why I wanted to comfort you, why I wanted to do something, anything.

If I must be a role that disappears from your life, I dreamed of leaving at least some trace in your memories.

I had such a dream.

It was a pointless dream.

* * *

Camelli was quiet.

Since I remained silent, the servants also kept their mouths shut. The vassals who followed Rashid likewise spoke even less, following their master’s lead. In the castle enveloped in silence like being submerged in water, only birds flew and sang, disturbing the air.

Rashid behaved like a shadow standing behind my back. Having contained his anger that had boiled like volcanic lava and pushed it inside himself, he seemed to have decided to ignore me.

He hid his presence before me as if he didn’t exist. From morning until the next morning, he either shut himself in his office focusing on work or wielded his sword at the training grounds. That’s what I heard.

Does he now hate even seeing my face? I felt sorry thinking I might have reopened his wounds, but as I kept thinking about it, I became angry again.

After acting so affectionate on his own for quite a while, now he’s ignoring and neglecting me. His arbitrary attitude felt absurd.

I lingered around his bedroom door hoping some sentence might appear. But it was in vain.

「The warbling white-eye flew among flowers searching for nectar.」

The occasional sentences that appeared were all about peaceful scenes.

I sighed. The sentences that had turned my insides upside down that night seemed to have decided to focus only on describing Camelli’s peaceful scenery these days.

Thanks to that, I came to know things like today’s sunset colors or how many cubs the silver fox in the forest outside the castle had given birth to.

While paying attention to such minor beauties was enjoyable, right now I was more curious about Rashid. What he was doing, what he was thinking.

But it seemed I was the only one feeling this way.

Since Rashid avoided me, dinner was a solitary affair.

For several nights now, he hadn’t said goodnight to me.

Today was the same.

I tossed and turned in bed several times but somehow couldn’t fall asleep. An ambiguous emptiness disturbed my sleep as if I had forgotten something I had to do before bed. I used to sleep just fine alone before, how strange. It’s frightening how one becomes accustomed to things.

I reluctantly got up from bed. I fumbled for the scented candle on the side table and lit it. The flame quickly consumed the wick and grew larger. The cold, unfamiliar night hid from the light.

The tea Macy had prepared in advance was already lukewarm. I couldn’t wake a sleeping maid, so I just moistened my throat with the cold tea. Only the sound of flowing water echoed in the inner chamber amid the silence.

When I drew back the curtains, the moon beyond the window was bright. On this full moon night, the moon seen from Camelli looked especially large and deep in color. Just like Rashid’s eyes…

The moon always reminded me of Rashid. The night’s king who wore the black sky on his back and ruled the world where the sun had disappeared, even his temperamental nature of changing faces daily resembled him.

Sometimes Rashid’s golden eyes looked like those of a carnivore. So when I gazed at them quietly, I felt like I became prey.

Perhaps that’s why I wanted to divorce Rashid and leave his side as soon as possible. Afraid he might devour me.

Now that I think about it, what I felt that night when he first came to me wasn’t simply dislike or fear.

Something more complex, something harder to define with a single word…

Creeak.

Just then, the sound of a door opening interrupted my thoughts. I turned my head.

“…Rashid.”

The person I expected stood there.

My husband, who came to find me again after several nights had passed.

“Have you come because your anger hasn’t subsided?”

I sat up in bed, skillfully making a sarcastic remark.

“No.”

“Then why?”

「Rashid remained silent.」

The sentence appeared, overlapping with his figure. Rashid looked at my face wordlessly, then lowered his gaze again. He seemed to be gauging the situation.

It was strange. Despite being so tall and solid, despite being so large that one might not notice my presence when he stood before me, right now he looked like a child who had come seeking his mother, wanting to sleep together with his pillow.

Thanks to that, my heart softened a little. It was mainly reassuring that he had come to find me first.

“Shall we sleep together?”

The words fell out because of that.

Rashid stared at me blankly. The crimson light flickered, shaking his shadow.

Ah, only then did I realize. That could sound suspicious.

“Ah! Don’t misunderstand. I mean, sleeping. You know, snoring…”

How foolish must I look, stumbling over my explanation. It was embarrassing.

“I mean just sleeping.”

The more I spoke, the more it felt like sinking into a swamp. As I awkwardly smiled, unable to either laugh or cry at the situation, he approached first and sat beside me.

“The wound.”

“What?”

“How badly were you hurt?”

“I told you it was just a little.”

“That’s not what was reported.”

Ah. Perhaps he heard the details from Kendrick or Sylvester. I tried to smile.

“Well, it’s easy for others to see it that way… Besides, since I’m the Duchess, they tend to exaggerate even small wounds.”

“Let me see.”

“It’s fine, it’s completely healed now.”

Rashid looked dissatisfied, but when I insisted it was fine again, he reluctantly agreed.

I slowly crawled under the blanket. He watched me for a moment as I peeked out only my eyes from under the blanket, then lay down beside me, following suit.

Silence continued for a while. Two breaths rose and fell side by side. As I quietly listened to those sounds, unlike before, the night felt neither cold nor unfamiliar. Rather, it felt cozy and soft.

「Rashid was lost in thought in the darkness.」

What could he be thinking about? I wish he would share those thoughts with me.

“…Did it hurt much?”

“Ah.”

I wonder how much Kendrick, or Sylvester, reported…

“Just… When you get hurt, it naturally hurts. I don’t think about it now since it’s all healed.”

“Even if it’s healed now, the fact that you were hurt doesn’t disappear.”

“But I’m fine.”

“Wounds may heal, but memories don’t heal.”

“……”

I turned my body that had been lying straight to look at Rashid. Through the familiar darkness, I could see his profile. His delicate forehead and elegantly extended bridge of nose, the perfect curved line of his profile was beautiful.

“But…”

What are you trying to say?

“It’s my fault.”

“What?”

Rashid turned his body like I did to face me. Our eyes meet in the darkness… Like moonlight cutting through the night, his gaze reaches me.

“I should have killed that woman after all.”

“Rashid.”

“Then you wouldn’t have been hurt.”

He cupped my cheek.

“I was angry… thinking she might have done something to you. That she might have said something nonsensical…”

“I’m fine.”

“You…”

He swallowed his words.

Rashid was like a wounded wolf. Unable to forget being hurt, unable to forget the pain even after killing those who tried to harm him. Or perhaps unwilling to forget…

Maybe he’s right. Even if a wound heals, you can’t erase the fact that there was a wound. Perhaps scars remain to prevent forgetting the pain.

But still.

“Sometimes I think.”

He slowly opened his mouth. It was a whisper like a long sigh.

“Maybe it would have been better to die by that woman’s hands.”

“No.”

I denied it immediately.

Rashid smiled slightly.

「Rashid sometimes found living unbearably horrible.」

“Even though I struggled so desperately to live…”

「A life sharing air with useless humans like insects, where only tedious and predictable things happen—such a terribly boring life.」

“I think it might have been better not to have been born at all.”

I know what kind of life Rashid has lived. Even the parts he hasn’t spoken of or that aren’t known. Because I’m someone from outside this world who has glimpsed into its affairs.

However, I cannot fully feel the emotions he experienced. It’s impossible to completely understand another person. I can only guess, speculate, and… comfort.

“You did nothing wrong.”

I placed my hand over Rashid’s hand that cupped my cheek. His hand was so large that I felt slightly regretful that I couldn’t fully embrace it.

“So it’s alright.”

Rashid’s hand was warm. That warmth suddenly reminded me of the fact that he was a living human being.

I moved a little closer to him and gently embraced his head. Rashid docilely let me hold him.

“There will be more people who are glad you were born.”