Chapter 12 – I have never dared to desire you.

The New Year’s ball is only two weeks away. That means Ophelia’s debut is in two weeks as well. And this weekend, the outdoor concert in the central square will mark the beginning of the spring festival.

‘It’s a concert, so it should be better. I can just pretend to be enjoying the music quietly…’

I persuaded myself with these thoughts as I wrote a letter to Walter. I had agreed to attend two weeks ago, and it was too late to find another partner. If I brought Benjamin, people would undoubtedly gossip about the past, so I decided to take Walter, act tired, and leave early.

Since it was a concert, no one would question my bringing Walter, who worked in the same field of music. Although I was worried about what I had told Ian, he wouldn’t care whether I went to the concert or not. Thinking about this, I felt a bit relieved.

But I soon regretted it when I saw Walter’s shy face on the day of the concert.

“I’ve been wanting to see you.”

He was overjoyed, his face flushed, as if he had forgotten how I had ignored his letters and responded curtly to his last one. Looking at his nervousness, it seemed more like he was anxious because of me rather than the high-status people around.

Reading the longing in Walter’s eyes, I felt disheartened.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t reply to your letters.”

“I understand. You must have had many things going on… It must have been hard for you. I was saddened when I heard the rumors.”

‘Even if that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have thought to write to you.’

Instead of hurting Walter with such words, I kept my mouth shut, pretending to enjoy the music. I decided that after the concert, whether he confessed or not, I would end things myself. The guilt grew with every pure, adoring look he gave me.

What if Ian mocks my actions? What if he says I’m hypocritically making people pity me while using Walter?

If that happens, I’ll claim that I met with him one more time to end things clearly, to stop giving Walter false hope. The fact that I was already thinking of excuses for Ian disgusted me.

But just this once. I’ll pretend I didn’t notice this one time.

After this concert, there won’t be any more events I need to attend. Once Ophelia’s debut is over in two weeks, I’ll feign illness like last season or even say I’m going to the countryside for a while.

Yes, that would be better.

While lost in these thoughts, the first part of the concert ended, and there was a short break before the second part. I took a deep breath as I saw people approaching me. Apart from the issue with Walter, there was another hurdle to overcome.

“Oh my, Lady Keppel. Your partner is different today. Who was the gentleman with you last time? He seemed unfamiliar, and it was a pity you didn’t introduce him.”

“Yes, he was very handsome.”

I smiled at the people who began with questions instead of greetings. They were the second or third daughters-in-law of the Ross family, and since they weren’t the first, I didn’t remember them well.

“Hello, Lady Ross. Miss Ross. He’s my cousin who recently returned from abroad.”

“Ah, then he’s the son of the Earl of Hershey…”

“So, is what the Hershey couple said true?”

It was the daughter who interrupted Lady Ross. She seemed a bit embarrassed as if she hadn’t intended to be so direct, but she didn’t apologize for her daughter’s rudeness.

“I’m not sure what you mean, Miss Ross.”

“Oh, was I rude? I meant what the Earl of Hershey mentioned. You seemed to be listening that time.”

“I’m afraid I had to leave early due to feeling unwell, so I didn’t hear anything.”

“Is that so?”

Lady. Ross chuckled and pushed her daughter behind her.

“This child is still so immature. She thinks your story is romantic.”

What is so romantic about marrying for money and facing the threat of divorce? Couldn’t they at least give me a plausible reason for my plight? Seeing that they couldn’t get anything out of me, they reluctantly retreated.

But then, other people who had been listening to our conversation tried to get closer, pretending to be friendly to get more details. Some approached, criticizing my uncle and aunt to show sympathy, while others offered legal advice as if they cared.

What was clear was that even those who hadn’t dared speak to me before were now pretending to want to help or console me, only to make my troubles their amusing gossip.

The vultures circled, but when I stonewalled them with a smile, they eventually gave up.

“Not a word, how shameless.”

“There must be a reason the Duke of Keppel couldn’t get attached despite living with her.”

“Enduring such neglect from your husband all for the sake of money. How unworthy of a noble.”

‘Don’t be hurt. It’s all true.’

I smiled indifferently, pretending not to hear the murmurs around me. I just had to endure a little longer. As soon as the second part of the concert ended, I planned to leave. There was no need to attend the reception as well.

Just get through today, and once Ophelia’s chaperone duties are over, I’ll leave. After this social season ends, there will be new gossip next year.

‘How much longer do I have to endure this?’

The thought made it hard to breathe. Trying to take deep breaths discreetly, I was interrupted by Walter, who spoke carefully.

“Are you alright?”

I would be if no one spoke to me. I forced a smile instead of answering. Thankfully, the second part of the concert started before any conversation could continue. I pretended to focus on the music. Wanting to lose myself in the music to clear my head, Walter spoke again.

“It breaks my heart to see you endure such humiliation.”

I wanted to ignore him, but his voice sounded particularly somber. Glancing over, I saw his fists trembling with anger.

‘Why are you the one trembling with anger when I am the one being humiliated?’

“Have you always endured this? From the first time we met, your smile seemed filled with sorrow. It wasn’t just my imagination.”

Filled with what? I don’t remember feeling particularly sorrowful that day. Until Ian brought that woman, Isabel or whatever her name was, I was in a good mood, wasn’t I? As I felt confused, Walter whispered in a low voice.

“If I were to avenge those who wronged you today, you would find no joy in it, would you?”

His words, filled with an implication of some impending act, scared me.

“No, I wouldn’t. Not at all…”

“In my heart, I wish to challenge those who slandered you to a duel, but unfortunately, they are women.”

There were men among those who slandered me… If I specifically mentioned someone, would he really challenge them? Though curious, I refrained from saying anything.

“Focus on the music, Walter. Music will soothe your heart.”

‘Please, just stop talking to me.’

I pretended to immerse myself in the performance again. Walter remained silent for the rest of the concert and escorted me out without much fuss when I said I wanted to leave. In the carriage on the way back, I said my final goodbye to Walter.

“Walter, thank you for accepting my invitations.”

“…Madam, I…”

“I won’t be inviting you anymore. I’m sorry to say this…”

Honestly, I expected him to cling to me somehow. But he smiled as if he already knew what I was going to say.

“When I received your letter, I thought it was a miracle for someone like me, a nobody. Just knowing that someone appreciated my music made me so happy. Your letters were my hope and my light in despair.”

Oh my, does Walter want me to die of guilt? I felt an unbearable weight of guilt as Walter, with a resigned yet gentle smile, spoke.

“I have never dared to desire you. I never will. Please, stay well.”

With that, Walter stopped the carriage and got off in the middle of the street. Looking back from the moving carriage, I saw him bowing politely, still smiling. My heart ached. I shouldn’t have invited him today.

It was a stage for ridicule whether I had a partner or not.

Suddenly, Ian’s words came to mind. He said if he had known I loved him, he wouldn’t have married me. Did he feel guilt towards me too? Is that why he wants a divorce?

But I never desired him either. From the moment I decided to marry for my mother’s sake, I had given up on the idea of my husband’s love. If I tell him I never loved him, will he take back his words about the divorce?