Chapter 17 – May I touch you?

Our plan was simple. We would reveal that Benjamin is a wizard and ask His Majesty to cooperate actively with the emperor’s plans in exchange for a letter directly from His Majesty to Benjamin’s uncle. The idea was to strip the title from his uncle.

The part about Benjamin being a wizard was easy; Ian would handle that. My mother, after hearing the whole story, sighed and pondered for a moment. Although she worried, she approved the plan to reclaim the title from Benjamin’s uncle.

Originally, I planned to send a letter in advance to the prime minister’s office saying I had something to discuss. But there was no need. Ian happened to be at the mansion. At dinner, the first one together in almost six months, I subtly gauged his mood. Unexpectedly, he spoke first.

“You seem to have something to say.”

“…Yes.”

Did my expression show it that clearly?

“Speak up.”

“Could you spare a moment after dinner? I have something to discuss, privately.”

Given how exhausted Ian looked, I expected him to defer or refuse. Surprisingly, he nodded.

“…My study would be suitable.”

“Yes.”

Dinner continued quietly. Mother had chosen to eat in her room, perhaps avoiding Ian or because she felt unwell.

In the past, I would have tried to make conversation with Ian, but lately, I had half given up. The dining room was eerily silent. As I focused on my food, I realized the butler and servants were watching us closely. Forcing a smile, I spoke.

“By the way, today’s main course is something I wanted. Please thank Gilbert for me, Vanon.”

“Gilbert will be pleased, Your Grace.”

Gilbert was the head chef of the Keppel household. He probably thought I’d been stressed and prepared something I liked. Seeing me smile, everyone seemed relieved. Ian, who had been watching me closely, asked as soon as we reached his study,

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

He took out a bottle of liquor and drank directly from it.

“Pretend everything is fine.”

What was he talking about? Seeing my puzzled expression, Ian sighed.

“Or is it really fine?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Is living like this okay?”

“…”

“You said you were having a hard time in the carriage that day.”

“…I did.”

“It was the first time in three years you told me you were struggling. Given everything, it must have been tough. Why don’t you resent me?”

“What?”

“I’d rather you cry or get angry. When you smile as if nothing’s wrong, I don’t know how to respond.”

“What kind of alcohol is that?”

Ian seemed unaware of his rambling. It must have been the alcohol. As I approached to check the label, he spoke in disbelief.

“You think I’d get drunk on this?”

“Rum?”

He was drinking cheap liquor that nobles rarely touched. When I reached for the bottle, Ian moved it away, mumbling.

“How did you know?”

“Give me some too.”

“…”

“I’ve had it before.”

Actually, that was a lie. Rum was typically drunk by sailors or poor artists. I’d barely tasted it. But being alone with Ian sober was tough, and it annoyed me that he was drinking alone. He handed me the bottle skeptically, and I drank nonchalantly, surprising him.

Why? Surprised that I can handle strong liquor? I clutched the bottle with both hands and plopped onto the sofa, sighing.

“Well, it’s for the family, isn’t it? How could I resent you?”

“That’s unexpected.”

Ian opened a drawer and pulled out another bottle. Why was there so much alcohol here? I made a mental note to sneak some later.

“…Everyone says I’m doing it wrong.”

“Are you upset?”

“No. I think so too.”

I snickered.

“Is it the same old story? That you wouldn’t have married me if you knew I loved you?”

Ian didn’t deny it. He quietly opened the cork of the new bottle and sat in an armchair. The armchair and sofa both faced the fireplace, so he sat diagonally from me, gazing at the flames. His profile was annoyingly handsome. After gulping down some rum, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and spoke.

“I don’t love you.”

Ian turned to look at me.

“Don’t worry. I don’t love you.”

Ian didn’t say anything, but I knew he didn’t believe me. Seeing the hint of guilt in his eyes made me feel worse. If he looked at someone else with those eyes, I might have fallen for him.

“Last night, you didn’t know anything.”

“……”

“Even though you must have resented me, you waited for me in the bedroom.”

Aaaaah! Stop, stop, stop talking about it! I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t, so I just drank more. Then I nearly spit out my drink at Ian’s next words.

“May I touch you?”

Coughing and trying to steady my dizzy head, I managed to sit up straight. Should I just die? This is so embarrassing I want to die.

“Are you drunk? Why are you suddenly saying this?”

“Doesn’t your mother tell you to have an heir?”

She didn’t.

Mother felt so sorry for me because Ian didn’t even look at me, she would never pressure me about having a child. But I couldn’t just answer “no” outright; I didn’t want to hurt Ian. So I evaded.

“Of course, Mother wants a grandchild…”

“I hear it at least a dozen times a day. Not just from Mother, but also from His Majesty, and even from aides and retainers.”

This was news to me.

“Right now, they might only be saying it to me since I’m not home much, but the moment I start working from the mansion, you’ll hear it too.”

“Is that why you don’t come home? Then why are you home today?”

Ian didn’t answer my question. Instead, he drank more and suddenly asked,

“Is it really okay to live like this?”

“……”

“I don’t even know what love is, and I don’t think I can make anyone happy. But I still have to have an heir and keep living like this. You might still have feelings for me now, but what if one day you can’t take it anymore? If we have a child, we can’t divorce. Is that really okay?”

I inhaled sharply. Ian was reaching out to me. His hand stopped right in front of my face, asking for permission again.

“Can I touch you?”

Don’t look at me with such sad eyes. Looking at me like that makes granting permission seem foolish. It makes my already miserable situation even more pathetic. If Ian had just tried to take me in a drunken haze, it might have been less humiliating. Clutching the bottle, I smiled brightly.

“Don’t mess with me.”

I couldn’t bear it any longer. I decided to pretend to be drunk.

“……Olivia?”

“Benjamin told me to say that if someone tried to touch me.”

“Who is Benjamin?”

“My cousin. Don’t you know? It’s been quite noisy lately. Ugh, my head…”

“Are you drunk?”

“No?”

He must have thought I was drunk. But I wasn’t. I just couldn’t stand the atmosphere. I had rarely been drunk, so I wasn’t sure how to pretend. But I figured smiling was a good start since drunk people tend to smile a lot.

“Oh right, I was going to talk about Benjamin.”

“……You said you had something to say.”

“Yes, he’s a wizard.”

“……What?”

“He’s been a wizard for ten years. He could help find the culprit. From what I hear, he’s better than Miss Isabella.”

“Olivia. If you’re saying this because you’re drunk, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it.”

Ian’s cold response upset me, so I whined.

“No, I really wanted to say this, but you kept changing the subject…”

“He’s the heir to the Hershey family, isn’t he? If it’s known he’s a wizard, it could tarnish the family’s honor…”

“Since when did you care about my family…”

Ian suddenly fell silent. Why? Loosen your expression! I’m drunk. I acted like a drunk person and pouted.

“Are you mad? Are you mad?”

“No.”

“You are! You’re mad!”

“I’m not.”

“Why get mad? If Benjamin helps find the culprit, it benefits Her Majesty the Empress and you too. I just want to help…”

Ian suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me up.

“Olivia. Let’s talk about this later. Go back to your room.”

“Ouch!”

“Does it hurt?”

“Ouch ouch…”

When I whined, Ian let go of my arm. I sat back down on the sofa. Seeing his flustered face cheered me up.

“Benjamin also wants to help, so don’t worry. Just relay it to His Majesty…”

“Why are you going this far?”

I didn’t understand his question, so I looked at him with wide eyes.

“Your family and lineage will be questioned. You said you didn’t want more trouble. If it’s because you’re bothered by me hanging out with Isabella…”

“You’re too full of yourself.”

“What?”

“Do you think Benjamin would just do what I say? He’s trying to help the wizards hidden in the empire come into the light…”

Ian said nothing. I read embarrassment in his eyes and giggled. I could tell just by looking at his eyes. After three years of watching Ian Keppel, I could read him like a book.