Chapter 24 – I’ll End This Now

I looked at him in confusion. Ian was in his night attire.

“What’s going on?”

Ian hesitated, not answering right away. Was it my imagination, or did he seem embarrassed? Instead of answering my question, he changed the subject.

“Haven’t you slept yet?”

“…I can’t sleep.”

I smiled a little.

“Maybe I’ve slept too much.”

Ian didn’t laugh at my joke. His eyes seemed to be getting misty again, which made me uncomfortable.

“I can’t sleep either.”

I didn’t know what to say. I just watched him quietly as he spoke softly.

“I’m too scared to sleep. I’m afraid you might fall into a deep sleep again and not wake up for a long time…”

Ian looked like a frightened child. He couldn’t even look at me, bowing his head as he pleaded.

“…Can I sleep here?”

He looked so pitiful that I almost wanted to grant his request. Almost.

“Out of the blue?”

“…It’s not sudden. I slept here last night too…”

“So that’s why you were beside me? Wait, have you been doing this all along?”

Ian didn’t answer, but his silence confirmed it. I was bewildered. No one had said anything about him sleeping next to me.

“Does Mother know?”

Ian nodded.

I felt a sense of betrayal but took a deep breath to calm myself. Mother didn’t know that Ian and I had been living like strangers, that we had never consummated our marriage. His mother or Jane might know, but they were on Ian’s side and would probably prefer us to share a bed. Anger welled up inside me.

“Get out.”

“…If you’re uncomfortable, I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

Ian pointed to the sofa and started making excuses, watching my reaction.

“I’m worried about you. Your condition might worsen during the night. We’ve been taking turns watching over you, but everyone’s exhausted, so I’ve been staying with you at night.”

I sighed. Thinking about how defenseless I must have looked to him made me want to cry. When I put my hand on my forehead, Ian approached with a worried look.

“Are you okay? Does your head hurt?”

I held up my palm to stop him and asked in a trembling voice,

“Why?”

“…”

“Why are you worried about me?”

Ian was silent. I glared at him. His sorrowful expression made me even angrier. I didn’t know why I was so angry, but I was.

“Did you forget what our relationship has been like for the past four months?”

Anger gave me strength. Ian bit his lip but I wasn’t afraid of him anymore.

“…Didn’t you want to divorce me?”

Suddenly, Ian stepped closer. Startled, I tried to move back, but he was faster. He cupped my face with both hands and spoke with a resolute tone as if he had been waiting to say this while I was asleep.

“Liv. I’ve been wrong.”

What?

“I didn’t want to have children and didn’t think I could make you happy, so I thought divorce was the best way to protect you.”

He hesitated before continuing.

“The kind of happiness that everyone talks about. I didn’t think I could give you that. But…”

His face came closer, his breath warm against my skin.

“I want to try now.”

Try what?

“With you…”

Is he crazy? I pushed him away.

“You’ve been avoiding me all this time.”

Ian didn’t respond. I let out a bitter laugh. I knew I shouldn’t, but my mouth moved on its own, saying what I had held back.

“I know. It was obvious. I’m sorry I was selfish, forcing this marriage for my sake, knowing how you felt. I’ll end it now.”

He seemed deeply shocked. Maybe he thought I was lying. He muttered to himself.

“End it?”

Of course, he wouldn’t believe me. I had pretended to love him for so long that even I sometimes forgot it wasn’t real. I smiled brightly to persuade him.

“Actually, I’ve known all along.”

I hoped my face looked confident.

“That I could have died.”

So that he would believe my final lie.

“I once thought that if one of us had to die, it should be me. Back then, I already wanted to end it all. So let’s end it now. The part of me that loved you died back then.”

Ian’s lips moved, but he couldn’t say anything. I had won. He left the room, and shortly after, Jane came in. Not wanting to talk, I pulled the blanket over my head and pretended to sleep.

***

The next morning, I immediately regretted my impulsive actions. Yesterday, for some reason, I was insanely angry and wanted to hurt Ian, so I said anything that came to mind. But seeing my mother’s face when she came to my room early in the morning, I realized how foolish it was to hastily say I’d agree to the divorce.

I should have prepared first. I spoke to Jane, who was attending to my breakfast.

“Jane, could you step out for a moment? I need to talk to my mother.”

I had never deliberately sent Jane away before. She had always been discreet and helpful, and I trusted her implicitly. But not anymore. Jane left the room, looking puzzled. My mother looked worried.

“What’s wrong? You don’t look well. Are you in pain?”

Her gentle voice made me want to lash out.

“Mother, did you know Ian slept in this room with me while I was unconscious?”

“…Yes.”

Mother seemed concerned for me but didn’t understand why it was a problem. Frustrated, I clutched the blanket.

“Why did you allow that? You should have stopped him.”

Mother hesitated, not understanding what I was trying to say, and then spoke.

“The doctor said you needed to be repositioned regularly to avoid bedsores. Unconscious people can’t turn over on their own. And you could have died from hypothermia if the fireplace went out…”

I snapped at her calm explanation.

“Someone else could have done that. Why did I have to go through such humiliation, unable to dress or wash properly?”

“Liv, Ian is your husband.”

I burst into tears like a child. Mother didn’t know anything. Frustrated, I cried my heart out while she hugged me.

“Liv, there’s no need to be ashamed. You were ill…”

“I hate it… I really hate it. How can I face Ian now?”

Mother tried to console me with her kind voice.

“Liv, look at me. I understand why you feel embarrassed. But when you’re ill, sometimes you have to rely on others. Ian took care of you without a single complaint. He was devoted…”

“I hate him! It’s fine with anyone else but not him! There are plenty of other servants in the Keppel house, so why did you leave me to him?”

I pushed Mother away and shouted through my tears. I had never thrown a tantrum or gotten angry with her before. She must have been terribly shocked. I knew I wasn’t being rational, but I couldn’t control my emotions. Mother spoke firmly.

“It had to be him.”

She spoke with the same strictness as when I had once declared I would quit my lessons.

“No one else, it had to be him.”

I stopped crying and stared at her. She looked at me sternly, tears streaming down her face.

“Who do you think put you in this state?”

It was the first time she had ever raised her voice at me. She had always been the elegant countess, and I had been the well-behaved daughter, except for that one time I refused my lessons out of pettiness. Now, seeing her strict and emotional, I realized how much my actions had hurt her. She spoke with bitter resentment.

“He has to take care of you. If the duke had left it all to the maids and frowned at the smell of your filth, I would have killed him myself.”

For a long time, neither of us spoke. I was busy calming my ragged breathing, and Mother leaned back in the chair, pressing her forehead with the back of her hand, taking deep breaths. After calming down, I quietly said instead of apologizing,

“I want a divorce.”

Mother didn’t seem surprised.

“I told him last night that I wanted a divorce.”

She looked at me with a tired expression and quietly said,

“I understand.”

I knew I should end the conversation here for dramatic effect, but I couldn’t help but worry. I glanced at her hesitantly.

“But did Ian really take care of my, um, my hygiene…”

“Don’t worry, dear. Jane handled all that.”

Oh, thank goodness. I almost wanted to die from embarrassment.