Chapter 29 – Attempting Awakening

His Grace, Duke Keppel, was standing conspicuously at the entrance to the outer palace, where many people were coming and going, causing them to hesitate whether to greet him or not. He wasn’t waiting there to make me feel guilty, was he? Despite his presence, he didn’t seem tired. We headed to the mansion together in the carriage, and Ian carefully started a conversation with me.

“Liv, about what we discussed earlier…”

“What do you mean?”

“…I have something to talk to you about after dinner.”

He must want to talk after dinner, after I’ve taken my evening medication. Another love confession, perhaps? I was already tired of those.

“I have something I’m curious about too.”

“Yes?”

“Can you feel magic, Ian?”

“Yes, to some extent.”

“How well can you sense it? Can you tell if someone is a wizard?”

Ian looked puzzled by my question but answered sincerely.

“Not to that extent. If I could, we wouldn’t need Isabella. But I can sense it before magic is used. Usually, there’s a sense of discomfort when a wizard is casting a spell.”

“What kind of feeling?”

“A foreboding feeling… It’s hard to explain.”

“Does your heart race?”

“…Something like that.”

If it’s just a racing heart, it might feel subjectively foreboding, fearful, or even like falling in love. Like the suspension bridge effect.

After taking my evening medication, I pretended to be tired immediately. Ian didn’t hold me back when I said I was tired from the rare outing and suggested talking next time. He probably thought there would always be another opportunity. Unlike him, I didn’t have many chances. With people taking turns guarding me all day, I had little time alone. But if opportunities don’t come, I’ll make one.

“Jane, I can’t sleep after waking up so early. Could you bring me a book from the study?”

“What kind of book?”

“Well…”

I tried to think of a book that wouldn’t be in the study.

“A love story that really moves the heart.”

“…A love story?”

“Yes, a sad story that makes you cry your heart out.”

“A sad love story?”

Jane seemed to think there wouldn’t be any. I added with a bright smile.

“Or something hilariously funny. Bring me about five books.”

Being cautious by nature, Jane would take at least twenty minutes. That should be enough time. After she left, I rolled up the carpet to avoid getting blood on it. I laid out a towel to wipe the blood on the vanity table and took out the items I borrowed, taking deep breaths.

There’s no time to hesitate. I tried cutting my fingertip with the dagger as a test. The wound was too minor; even wishing for it to heal yielded no response. Reciting holy scripture passages didn’t work either. Undeterred, I poured a drop of the holy water. The wound healed perfectly, which reassured me.

This time, I cut my left arm more boldly. The blood flowed heavily, momentarily startling me. My heart began to pound, so I hurriedly wished for the wound to heal. 

Please, let it heal. Please. 

The wound didn’t heal, but there was a response this time. My heart began to feel hot.

Do I need to be in more pain to feel more desperate? Taking a deep breath, I rolled up my nightgown. It’s okay. I can do this. It’ll hurt less than a stab to the heart. I’ll try just once, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll find another way. At least it’s better than giving up without trying. Steeling myself, I reversed the grip on the dagger and successfully stabbed.

“Gasp.”

I drew a short breath as I pulled out the dagger. 

Silently, I wished desperately. Goddess, please. Let me awaken.

Please. 

My heart pounded madly. 

Please let me awaken. I don’t wish for a long life.

I just want to live a normal life like others, with a beating heart. Even if my remaining life is filled with suffering, give me a heart that can face and endure it rather than flee and ignore it. Please. My heart began to ache as if it were being squeezed. Suddenly, there was a knock.

“Liv.”

It was Ian’s voice. No. Panicked, I wished desperately inside. Goddess, please let me awaken. Please, please…

“If you’re not asleep, can we talk for a moment?”

Ah, I must have been wrong. The moment I sensed failure, Ian’s voice came again.

“I’m coming in.”

“No, don’t!”

I answered urgently, but it must have sounded strange. Flustered, I tried to get up, but the pain in my thigh made me collapse again. Thanks to moving the carpet, it made a loud noise.

“Liv! Are you okay?”

And the door opened. I thought it was all over.

“…What are you doing?”

Ian asked in a trembling voice. I struggled to get up. Ian was already just a step away from me.

“Give that to me.”

He held out his palm in front of me. Sitting on the floor, I looked at his hand and hid the knife behind my back. I had to return it to Raphael, and I couldn’t let Ian take it. Ian spoke with a fearful expression.

“Liv, give it to me. It’s dangerous.”

Blood started spreading over my pajamas. Seeing that, Ian gritted his teeth. I instinctively made an excuse.

“I, Ian. I know it looks strange, but it’s not what you think. I’m just trying to regain my holy power…”

“Hand over the knife.”

“This isn’t mine, so I can’t give it to you. And this is a common method for awakening as a wizard. I have all the healing potions prepared over there…”

“Liv.”

“It sounds crazy, but actually… Ow!”

Ian grabbed my arm and forcibly took the knife. Then he threw it in the opposite direction. The dagger flew and stuck into the door, and I started shivering, still held by both wrists. The chills were due to the blood loss.

“Seriously, it’s true.”

Ian had the scariest face I had ever seen.

“Don’t ever do something like this again.”

Since it was something Raphael had told me, trying up to my thigh was the most I could do. But his commanding tone made me snap back.

“What does it matter to you? Just leave me alone.”

“How can I not care seeing you like this!”

“Just don’t look, then.”

“…You are my wife.”

“A wife you haven’t seen throughout our entire marriage. You can’t possibly want to claim that you’ve developed feelings now, can you?”

I threw back the words Ian had once said to me, but he showed no reaction. He picked up a crystal bottle from the dressing table. Then he lifted the hem of my skirt, which was stained with blood. Out of shame, I tried to resist, but he grabbed both my arms again. Tears started falling.

“You don’t love me. Once I awaken, you’ll realize it too. All these feelings you’re having are just a delusion.”

“Let’s say that’s true.”

He gritted his teeth as he spoke. I wanted to mock him more, but the increasingly intense pain made it hard to even suppress my groans. Cold sweat trickled down.

“Even if this feeling isn’t love yet.”

When I looked up, his dark gaze was fixed on me.

“I will eventually love you.”

For a moment, his intense eyes made me forget even the pain, but soon the burning sensation in my thigh made me groan again. Ian was pouring a potion on my thigh.

“And this time, I won’t give up.”

Even after the wound on my thigh healed, Ian emptied the entire bottle. The burning sensation disappeared instantly, and a cold liquid trickling down my leg made me shiver. Ian picked up my trembling body, laid me down on the bed, pulled up the blanket, and whispered softly.

“No, actually, I could never give up.”

Ian sat on the edge of my bed, looking down at me. As the pain subsided and I came to my senses, I noticed the overwhelmingly sweet scent coming from him. It was the smell of the rum he had drunk in the study. I never thought he would be there this late.

“I claimed it was to avoid noise, for the family’s honor, and various other reasons, but the truth is, I didn’t want to let you go. So I kept waiting for you to leave first. But you never did. You were always there when I turned around. That gave me so much reassurance… I know. I’m a despicable man.”

He spoke with self-mockery. His gaze scared me, so I closed my eyes.

“I’ve never been greedy in my life, Liv. Whenever I felt greed, I gave up before it could take shape. My parents’ affection, dreams, hopes. It was easier to live that way. But with you…”

I didn’t know what he was talking about. I pulled the bed sheet over my head.

“If you just stay as my wife like this, I’ll give you anything you want. You don’t have to love me. I won’t ask for more. When you collapsed, I didn’t ask for much either. I prayed every night that even if you never woke up again, you would at least keep breathing. My feelings then and now aren’t much different. Just stay by my side…”

How is that love? I’m a person, not some kind of comfort object.

“What if I don’t want to?”

“…I don’t know. This is my first time being greedy, so I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Ian stood up. I heard his footsteps moving away. He pulled out the dagger stuck in the door and said,

“Even now, I’m not asking for much. Because you are already mine.”

The door closed.