Chapter 46 – Did you ever love me?

I pulled my hand away from Ian’s and took a step back. His expression began to harden. Feeling my heart tighten, I gently grabbed his sleeve and guided him to sit on the sofa. Seeing his face relax a little, I racked my brain to change the subject.

“What about the cotton and firewood distributed in winter?”

“……”

“Who did that?”

“……I did.”

“Really? That’s surprising. I thought your mother would have done it…”

As I spoke with a smile, I suddenly became flustered by the sad, tearful look in Ian’s eyes and fell silent. Oh no, what should I do? Why is he so unpredictable today…?

“I searched everywhere that seemed likely, but the only place left was the slums. Every time I saw someone who had frozen to death, I thought of you. Somewhere, you…”

Ian couldn’t finish his sentence. What do I do? He’s not going to cry, is he? I felt extremely awkward and desperately tried to think of something to change the subject, but nothing came to mind.

“How have you been? I thought about how you might be doing every moment. Whether you’re eating well or if you’ve collapsed somewhere again… I hoped someone was there to help you, but at the same time, I was so jealous that it wasn’t me… I felt like I was going crazy.”

“I… I’ve been fine. Alone.”

“Really?”

When I emphasized the word “alone,” Ian smiled a little. I smiled too. His eyes seemed a bit off. No wonder they increased the security at the Empress’s palace. Trying to break the awkward tension, I started talking about anything that came to mind.

“Yes. Alone. I found that I could manage on my own. I earned money by singing. I tried doing various odd jobs, but singing wasn’t as hard as I thought, and it paid well. I did quite well, you know. You wouldn’t know because you didn’t care, but for musicians, performing at the plaza concert is like a dream stage. And it was very popular among commoners too. It’s not often they get to see such a grand performance for free…”

I rambled on as if I’d just come back from some retreat, then awkwardly stopped. Suddenly, I remembered my current situation. But if I wasn’t going to live as quietly as I used to, then no matter how scary Ian was, I had to say what needed to be said. After all, he said he wouldn’t do anything I hated, so there was no need for me to be scared.

Yes, I need to be brave. I took a deep breath and cautiously began to speak.

“So, about that… I want to keep living on my own.”

Ian didn’t say anything. Not because he had nothing to say, but because he was holding back. Worried I might lose my chance if I hesitated, I quickly spilled out everything I wanted to say.

“Living on my own has been much better. I only have to take care of myself; I don’t have to walk on eggshells, and before, I thought there was no other option but to either get married or join a convent, but that’s not true. If I’d realized sooner, before we got married, or even later, it would have been easier for both of us… I guess you really don’t know until you experience it firsthand.”

Ian remained silent even as I rambled on.

“I’m confident I can keep living well on my own. So, Ian, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m not a child, I can earn money fairly well, I can cook for myself, clean, do laundry, everything. I’m sure your mother will be fine too. She’s a strong woman. So…”

“You don’t feel the need to maintain this marriage anymore.”

I was startled by how calmly Ian spoke. But I soon nodded in agreement.

“Yes. That’s right.”

Why does he look like a puppy that’s been abandoned? I subtly turned my head to avoid his gaze. Suddenly, I felt a bit resentful.

“Don’t look at me like that. You knew from the beginning too, Ian.”

I remember the first time we met.

“You wanted to take care of …… Lady Hershey, didn’t you?

“Yes, that’s right. Our interests align well, so we’ll make a good couple.”

It seemed Ian was also recalling that moment.

“…Yes, that’s how it was.”

“…”

“I want to ask you something.”

I looked at Ian again, ready to answer any question he had. But in the next moment, his question left me speechless.

“Did you ever love me?”

Why is he asking that now? I didn’t know how to respond, so I just opened and closed my mouth, unable to form words.

“When I think about it, Liv, you never directly said you loved me. I only believed it because everyone told me you did… If you had ever loved me, even for a moment, you wouldn’t be able to be this cruel to me.”

I couldn’t say anything. Ian looked so tormented. Even my frozen heart, which hadn’t felt a shred of pity despite knowing his pitiful past, was now feeling guilty. I pressed my palm against my pounding chest.

“Everyone said it was a devotion born of love. So I always thought that I… I was sacrificing you and causing you pain. If you hadn’t married me, you could have lived in the light, loved and cherished.”

I widened my eyes in surprise. I never imagined Ian would think that way.

“But when I actually tried to let you go, Liv, you got angry. So I was confused too. I thought that maybe if this kind of life was okay with you, everything would get better if I just tried harder…”

I couldn’t understand what Ian was talking about. Overwhelmed, I burst out.

“Why are you blaming me? Of course I got angry. At that time, I didn’t even know how I would survive after a divorce… You might have just thought we should part ways, but for me, it was a matter of survival.”

Ian furrowed his brow as if my words puzzled him.

“Didn’t you read the divorce agreement I sent you back then?”

The divorce agreement that Phillip had brought me—I hadn’t even opened it before sending it back. At that time, I was determined not to divorce, even if it killed me. A cold feeling suddenly swept over me as I recalled something I hadn’t even known about. Oh no… I hesitated, unable to answer.

“I had already told you that your livelihood would be guaranteed if we maintained our marriage for three years. I thought you refused because you didn’t like the conditions I offered, but Phillip said, ‘What woman would accept a divorce when she loves someone?’ So I… foolishly assumed…”

Oh… no. I regret it. Instead of angrily sending Phillip away, I should have at least checked the documents. What were the conditions? Now I was dying of curiosity. As I was lost in thought, Ian grabbed my hand, pulling me back to reality. With a sorrowful look, he spoke.

“Can’t you give me just one more chance? Liv, I… This was the first time I ever expected to be ordinarily happy. I thought that with you, a life I had never dared dream of… could be possible. I had never had such hopes, but you made me believe in them.”

I sighed and pulled my hand away. I was sure I had asked for a divorce as soon as I woke up, so when had he harbored such hopes…? No matter what happened in the past, it was all over now, and it was too late to regret it.

“Ian, I already told you. It was as if I had died back then. What are you trying to achieve by clinging to someone who’s already dead?”

Am I being too cold? But if I didn’t say it like this, he would keep holding on. Sure enough, Ian grabbed my arm and quietly poured out his resentment.

“…You should have just let me die. You made me love you… You pulled me into reality.”

At last, tears fell from his eyes. Feeling helpless, I closed my eyes tightly.

“Did you hate me that much? Is that why you saved me? Liv, it wasn’t this painful when you weren’t here. I thought if I just lived as I was, I’d die eventually and that would be the end. There was no meaning to my life, so dying meaningfully was my only wish. How can I hold on to you? Give me a hint. I was never taught this, so all I can think of are bad ways.”

So that’s why he always stood at the forefront. That’s why he always seemed so detached. But now, he was clinging to me like a child, pouring out his resentments. Ian got off the sofa and knelt on the floor. He leaned his head against my knees and said,

“Please, be the meaning of my life. Since you gave me life, you should give it meaning. And if you can’t, then take it back.”

How do I console him? I took a deep breath. I tried to speak in as calm a voice as possible.

“Ian, it’s not because I hated you. Back then… I thought it would be better if I died instead. For the Keppel family, for your mother, and for my mother too. I thought it was the most efficient choice.”

Ian’s grip on my arm began to hurt. Instead of pulling away, I continued my explanation.

“It wasn’t because I hated you or because I didn’t like you… Like you, I just chose a meaningful place to die. I figured that if I saved you and died, you would take good care of my mother in my place. That was all.”

I felt my knees grow wet. Would it have comforted him if I said I loved him so much that I was willing to die in his place? But that’s not what he needed. He was like a child trapped in the past, unable to grow up. Someone had to tell Ian the harsh truth.

“It’s easy to blame you… but I’m not a child, so I know what the real problem is. Ian, if I was unhappy, it wasn’t entirely your fault.”

“No, Liv. It’s my fault. If I just try harder…”

“Even if you try, not much will change. The world doesn’t change because of one person’s effort. If I loved you, we could perhaps envision a future where we endure or overcome this together, but you know now that’s not the case.”

I gently pushed Ian’s shoulders away and knelt beside him. Facing his trembling blue eyes, I mustered all my courage and hugged him. Selfishly, I hoped that he would grow up for my sake.

“If you love me, let me go.”

Let me cast off the shackles of this marriage, the obligations, and the responsibilities, and let me leave. If you love me, don’t force me; don’t cry or throw tantrums—just let me be.

“That’s the only way I’ll be able to survive. These past six months were a breath of fresh air for me. Let me live the rest of my life in peace. Even now, I…”

I’m barely holding on. I couldn’t continue speaking, and I slumped over. My vision was darkening again.