Chapter 7 (Part 2)

It was Ian who had decided to distance himself from Cecilia first. After doing so, he had been sleeping well at night, as if the sleepless nights he had agonized through were a thing of the past.  

In other words, ever since that day when he had indulged his suppressed desires without restraint, his insomnia had disappeared entirely. It seemed that the pent-up lust he had been repressing had unconsciously turned into stress, which had caused his sleeplessness.  

Now, he could wake up feeling refreshed even without Lady Bucklew around, so he should have been fine not seeing her. No, he had to be fine. But in reality, he wasn’t. A strange, indescribable feeling lingered in his chest.  

Could it be that she left because she was angry with me? Couldn’t she at least say goodbye?  

No matter how much he thought about it, Ian couldn’t understand Cecilia’s behavior. Even if she was upset, there was no need for her to deny their entire relationship so abruptly.  

Why on earth…  

Ian ran a hand through his hair as he made his way to the priest’s quarters. When he arrived, he sat weakly on the edge of his bed.  

“Haha.”  

A hollow laugh escaped his lips. The situation, his emotions—it was all so ridiculous that he didn’t know what else to do.  

“Damn it!”  

Suddenly, Ian stopped laughing and buried his face in his hands, cursing under his breath.  

I shouldn’t have said such cruel things…  

He began to blame himself. If only he hadn’t been so cold to her that day, Lady Bucklew wouldn’t have left without so much as a word.  

That was the conclusion Ian reached after thinking and overthinking it to the point where his usually neat hair had become disheveled.  

Should I go to her and apologize right away? Should I tell her that I didn’t mean to act so harshly? No, but if I don’t plan to keep seeing her, what’s the point of meeting her again?  

Even after reaching a conclusion, Ian’s mind wavered. His thoughts wandered aimlessly, unable to settle.  

Unable to focus on his prayers that night, Ian spent the entire night agonizing before finally heading to the confessional the next day.  

Fortunately, Bishop Chris, who had counseled him last time, was in charge of the confessional. Ian felt relieved, knowing he could speak openly to him.  

Ian planned to confess his situation to Bishop Chris and decide on a course of action.  

“You gave me wise advice last time, but I’ve succumbed to the devil’s temptation.”  

“Oh dear. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to resist the devil’s temptation, but hearing that you’ve fallen to it is still disappointing.”  

Bishop Chris’s voice was filled with regret as he listened to Ian’s confession.  

“I only did it to cure my insomnia. I never imagined things would spiral out of control like this.”  

“It’s okay to falter momentarily. It’s okay even if you fail to keep your Vow of Chastity. As long as your heart remains pure, God will forgive you. So let me ask you this—does your heart remain as pure as it once was?”  

“…”  

Ian couldn’t answer Bishop Chris’s question. Pure? There was nothing pure about him anymore. He was filled with impurity.  

As the silence stretched on, Bishop Chris let out a deep sigh.  

“Perhaps priesthood was never the right path for you from the start.”  

His voice was heavy with pity.  

“I decided to become a priest when I was a child. I’ve never considered another path since. That’s why it’s hard for me to accept what you’re saying.”  

Ian knew it might be time to give up his priesthood, but the thought of quitting left him feeling unsettled.  

“What made you decide to become a priest in the first place?”  

“I became interested in theology because I enjoyed studying it. The more I immersed myself in theology, the more I naturally dreamed of becoming a priest.”  

“I see. Theology is indeed a field that can easily captivate you once you start studying it. So, how do you feel about being a priest now? Where does your heart lean at this moment?”  

“…”  

What do I really think?  

Ian couldn’t articulate his feelings in a single sentence. That’s why he had come to the confessional.  

“Was my question too vague? Let me ask another way. What do you think of that lady?”  

“…”  

Once again, Ian couldn’t answer.  

“Take your time. We have plenty of it. Start with something simple, even if it seems insignificant. What was your first impression of her?”  

“I disliked her. Terribly. But…”  

“But?”  

“The more I met her, the more I wanted to keep her by my side. Of course, I tried to deny those feelings and suppress them so they wouldn’t grow.”  

“And how about now? Do you still want to deny those feelings?”  

He did want to deny them, but not as intensely as he had at first. However, he couldn’t quite put his current feelings into words either.  

“It seems your feelings have changed. Perhaps it’s time for you to be honest with yourself. Why not stop suppressing your emotions and let them free? Follow where your heart leads you. That’s all the advice I can give you.”  

Follow my heart…  

To Ian, those words felt impossibly difficult. He didn’t even know where his heart wanted to go.  

“You’ve spent your entire life focused on the path of a priest, so it might be hard for you to understand what I’m saying. But it’s okay to reveal the desires and ambitions you’ve kept hidden. Even if you return to the secular world, you won’t lose who you are. So why not muster the courage to take your first step into a new world?”  

As if reading Ian’s thoughts, Bishop Chris offered him a more concrete direction.  

“It will likely be a difficult and challenging journey. But you already know, don’t you? Life doesn’t always go as planned. Even if you fail or are rejected, it’s okay. Just taking that first step into a new world is an incredible achievement in itself.”  

“…”  

“Whatever choice you make, I’ll support you. I think our session is over now, so you may go.”  

“Thank you.”  

Ian left the confessional after offering his thanks, unable to respond to Bishop Chris’s words in any other way.  

As he walked toward the chapel, Ian replayed their conversation in his mind.  

Be honest with my feelings…  

He understood what those words meant, but he couldn’t accept them easily. He had lived as a priest for so many years that it felt as though his entire life was being invalidated in an instant.  

However, if he were to give up his priesthood, the situation would change. Without the constraints that bound him, he wouldn’t have to suppress his feelings for anyone anymore.  

That would mean it wouldn’t be a problem to suddenly develop special feelings for someone.  

Ian now stood at a crossroads.  

Should I forget everything that had happened and continue my priesthood with a pure heart? Or should I cast off the priestly robes that no longer suited me?  

If he chose the former, he would have to endure grueling training to cleanse his heart. If he chose the latter, he had no idea what kind of future awaited him.  

What do I truly want? What should I do?  

Ian lowered his head, his confused eyes filled with turmoil, and let out a deep sigh.  

***

Cecilia was caught off guard early in the morning.  

The maids barged into her room at the crack of dawn, dragged her to the bathroom, washed her, and began dressing her up.  

This had never happened before, so Cecilia could easily guess that an unwelcome guest would be visiting her today. However, she pretended not to know and asked,  

“What’s the occasion today? Why are you doing this so early in the morning?”  

There was no reply. The maids simply focused on carrying out their duties.  

They forced her into a shimmering silk dress adorned with sequins, braided her wavy golden hair into two sections, and pinned them neatly by her ears.  

Since none of Cecilia’s opinions were taken into consideration, she expressed her disapproval several times, but the maids ignored her and continued their work.  

In the end, Cecilia gave up and sat quietly, letting the maids do as they pleased.  

Just as they were finishing up, Rasilia burst into the room with a panicked expression.  

“Sister, something big has happened! Oh?”  

She stopped mid-sentence, her eyes widening as she looked at Cecilia.  

“This is the first time I’ve seen you dressed like this! You look so beautiful!”  

Rasilia admired her for a moment before shaking her head.  

“This isn’t the time to be amazed by your appearance. Do you know who’s visiting the manor today?”  

“My fiancé, I assume. That’s why the maids have been dressing me up since the morning.”  

Cecilia stood up with a resigned expression and gestured at the extravagant dress she was wearing.  

“How did you know? I overheard Father giving orders to the butler, and I rushed here in surprise.”  

“It was obvious. They’ve never forced me to dress up like this before.”  

“True, that makes sense.”  

Rasilia nodded in agreement but sent a displeased look, clearly unhappy with the situation.