17.2

Seonho took Chaeyoon’s hand, which had been patting his head, and kissed the back and palm of her hand. Even that normally erotic gesture felt sad.

Seonho, holding Chaeyoon’s hand tightly, now leaned in for a kiss.

“Don’t. I don’t want to spread the cold to you.”

Chaeyoon turned her head slightly, and Seonho’s lips touched her cheek instead.

“They say a cold goes away faster if you pass it on to someone else. Pass it to me.”

It was surprising to hear such a playful line from Seonho.

What was even more surprising was how that cheesy line made her heart flutter.

“I didn’t think you’d believe such nonsense. That’s just something made up for romantic dramas.”

Chaeyoon snorted, trying to hide the fluttering of her heart, realizing just how dishonest she could be around Seonho.

The more her heart raced, the colder she acted.

It seemed she was suppressing her emotions more than she thought. 

Does that mean my feelings for him are much deeper than I realized?

“You think that’s romantic? I think it’s a very calculating line.”

Seonho chuckled along with her.

“Calculated?”

“It’s a kind of emotional marketing, using words like that to play on your emotions when you’re hurting and weak”

“Like you’re doing now?”

“Yes. Like me.”

Seonho looked into Chaeyoon’s eyes and kissed the back of her hand again, as if it was something precious.

“Why would you need to do emotional marketing on me?”

“Does it seem to work?”

Very much so. It felt like an earthquake shifting the world, all because of this trivial cold.

She wants to push him away like she usually does, but she doesn’t have the energy today. Pushing him away took more energy than she thought it would.

“Yes. This emotional marketing thing, from a consumer’s perspective, it’s quite a deceptive and wicked thing. You know you’re being manipulated, yet you still fall for it.”

“Do you want to go out with me?”

The words that she never expected to hear from Seonho slipped out.

“Going out isn’t a big deal. It’s what comes next that’s the problem.”

Chaeyoon’s voice was surprisingly calm. She’d been thinking about this issue for a long time.

“What comes next? Marriage?”

“Yes, marriage. If I were to marry, would you marry me? And if I said I wouldn’t date without plans of marriage, what would you do?”

“Let’s get married.”

Seonho’s answer was clear, without any hesitation.

This was quite contrary to Chaeyoon’s expectations.

Seonho was calculating and practical. He prioritizes his circumstances and surroundings, not his emotions. Last time, he had made it clear that he had no intention of marrying her.

“What if I have to live in the UK after we get married?”

Chaeyoon raised the stakes with her question. It was a short query but loaded with implications.

It meant that even if they married, she would not give up her dreams and wouldn’t simply blend into Seonho’s family. It could even mean that Seonho might be ostracized by his family because of her, just like what happened to Joo-eun.

But his situation was entirely different from Joo-eun’s, who had stepped out of the line of succession. Seonho had much more to lose.

“Do you still want to marry me even then?”

“Yes.”

Seonho responded immediately again, so readily it could arouse suspicion.

But no, it wasn’t careless talk. His clear brown eyes, solid and shining like gems forged under pressure, affirmed the truth of his words.

“…You’re crazy.”

“Didn’t you know? I’ve been crazy for a long time. I thought someone as smart as you would have noticed.”

Seonho’s eyes sunk deeply, the longing and desire for her clearly visible above them.

“Don’t do this.”

Could I say I hadn’t known?

When he first came to London, she wasn’t certain. She thought, or rather hoped, he was just stopping by on his way back from a business trip in Germany.

But when he came a second time in less than a month, she became suspicious, and by his third visit, which also occurred in less than a month, she realized it.

That she was special to him.

How could she not know, when he came to London, a city without his company’s branch office, perfectly timed to the weekends, claiming it was for business trips? Who really comes for work on the weekends?

Both knew the truth, yet one pretended it was a business trip, and the other pretended to believe it. They maintained a delicate balance.

Breaking that balance would mean everything could collapse instantly; pretending to not know was the best disguise Chaeyoon could manage.

She’d been forcing herself to look the other way, but ignoring the rule was unfair.

“Don’t do this.”

Chaeyoon closed her eyes and said it again, her voice weak.

It was a warning to herself. Her defenses were down, and her emotions were uncontrollable.

Chaeyoon looked up at Seonho, who was gazing at her lovingly and gently stroking her hair. Her heart sank.

Is it too late?

Was it arrogant of me to think that I could clear things up with him at the right time before our feelings got too deep?

Had I deceived myself before deceiving Seonho?

Was I justifying seeing Seonho again by telling myself, ‘It’s still okay now’?

In that brief moment, numerous questions swirled around her.

After watching Joo-eun, who said she could break up with Seokhyun, end up throwing everything away because she couldn’t give him up, Chaeyoon assured herself that she wouldn’t make that mistake.

‘So what you’re saying is that the great Han Chaeyoon is afraid of falling in love with Yoon Seonho?’  

It seems her best friend, Joo-eun, knew her better than she knew herself.

Throughout school, she had been particularly wary of him, afraid she might fall for him, becoming greedy for his affection. Yet, she had continued to deny it. She convinced herself that she was just being cautious.

If that was the case, I should have been cautious till the end. I should have avoided him altogether.

Chaeyoon blamed herself.

“That day, I shouldn’t have told you I wanted to sleep with you. Or at least, you should have ignored my words. You didn’t even like me back then.”

She had thought Seonho wouldn’t accept her suggestion of sleeping together; she had no idea that one night in Jeju would lead to a second.

The maths was simple at first: having slept together once, they couldn’t easily do it again. That was her miscalculation. That number turned into a chain linking one encounter to the next.

Her calculations that they would never see each other again after she went abroad, that the distance being so great would make it difficult to meet, that she could forget him due to the distance—all were wrong. There was no shortage of excuses.

Therefore, that first night should never have happened. Like the spark that ignites a forest fire that burns down a mountain, the first night is where it all starts.

Wanting to sleep with Seonho should have remained just a thought. 

I should have known that I would want him, even if I didn’t want to.

I should have avoided him at all costs.

I ignored it, and here I am. If I was so smart, why didn’t I see this coming?

“You always caught my eye, even in a crowd. I didn’t want to look, but my eyes kept being drawn to you.”

Seonho’s words made Chaeyoon open her closed eyes.

‘I didn’t want to look, but my eyes kept being drawn to you.’ You too? Is that why you hated me? Or, was it that you were trying to hate me?

“If I had laughed off your words about wanting to sleep with me in the villa, would I have not fallen in love with you like this now?”

Chaeyoon found it awkward to hear the word ‘love’ coming from Seonho’s lips. Yet now, he used it without any hesitation.

“If there hadn’t been a first time, there wouldn’t have been a second. Our choice that day was foolish.”

“Right. It was foolish. Do you know what’s even more foolish?”

“…What?”

“Trying to become less foolish after making a foolish choice.”

She understood what he meant.

Continuing to meet, creating memories, blending their lives under the guise of just being friends, crafting excuses that it was okay to see each other—all while trying to keep him from settling in her heart.

Now she realized how foolish all those efforts had been.

“But Chaeyoon, I don’t regret my foolish choices. Because of you, I’ve experienced so much excitement. It was hard because it was happiness I had never felt before. I didn’t know loving someone could bring so much joy.”

Seonho’s smile seemed to reflect the happiness of the past.

“I thought a lot after meeting you. What is happiness? What is pleasure? What makes me happy? When was I joyful? Whenever I compared everything I had with you, you were always what remained. From a very long time ago. That’s why I’m thankful to you. For saying you wanted to sleep with me that night. If you hadn’t said that, if our first time hadn’t happened, I’d still be living aimlessly, not knowing what’s most important in life.”

Seonho gripped Chaeyoon’s hand tightly.

“So, Chaeyoon, can you also not regret where our hearts have led us?”

“I might not regret it now, but I might in the future.”

Chaeyoon sighed lightly.