Nelie, who refused the beer mug handed to her, sat quietly and brushed the bread basket.
Lately, the smell of food often made her feel nauseous. Because of this, it became difficult to finish meals unless they were slightly sour. She also seemed to be sleeping a bit more than usual.
Not knowing whether this was due to the inexplicable anxiety that had risen since sending the letter, or for some other reason, made her even more nervous.
‘I wonder if it arrived safely.’
She wondered if the things she had sent had arrived well. Among them, she had included her address in the letter to Jerome to receive a reply. That was Nelie’s way of showing respect to someone who had once generously lent her his space.
However, despite quite some time passing since sending the letter, no reply had come. This was unlike Jerome, who always responded quickly to Nelie’s words. Perhaps he was truly disappointed in her.
Thinking about this made her feel nauseated again.
“…Ugh.”
When the nausea hit suddenly and showed no signs of subsiding, her anxiety grew even worse. The slight assumption she had been contemplating for the past few days kept crossing her mind. Nelie nervously fidgeted with her hands.
‘I’ve always… had trouble eating when emotionally distressed.’
Losing her appetite and skipping meals when focused on something or going through difficult times was one of her long-standing habits. But this time she felt unusually anxious. When she lay down to sleep at night and remembered that she had missed her period last month, she would think of the contraceptive pills tucked away in a corner of the townhouse.
‘No way.’
But missing periods wasn’t unusual for Nelie either. Her cycle had always been irregular, and skipping a month or two was common. Besides, losing periods due to poor eating when emotionally distressed was common not just for Nelie but for other women too.
However, when this coincided with the Duke’s affair, it became a concerning issue. Nelie often harbored suspicions and repeatedly stroked her flat stomach.
‘Could it be?’
What would she do if it really happened?
Nelie’s heart shifted between heaven and hell dozens of times a day. A country girl returning from the city, pregnant with a fatherless child, would face a terrible reputation and stares—perhaps just as bad as the rumors about her being the Duke’s mistress.
And would raising a child be any easier? She already had a father to care for. Such a sudden pregnancy from just a few months of indulgence would be a lifelong burden. She might struggle to draw illustrations while giving birth and raising a child. Was this really right?
Yet, she couldn’t easily find the courage to terminate a child that might already be growing inside her. Nelie had heard many stories of poor country women with fatherless children dying while trying to abort in dirty, damp warehouses or in the back rooms of clinics.
……But on the other hand,
‘Would the child resemble him?’
Despite being the child of a man who had hurt her, she felt somewhat attached, thinking about how pretty the baby would be if it resembled him.
If it took after the Duke, it would have those beautiful emerald green eyes that occasionally looked at her. Soft and elegant golden hair that seemed spun from gold thread vividly sparkled before her eyes. Hair that shone even more brilliantly in the sunlight.
Whenever the Duke’s hair brushed against her collarbone as he bit her chest, Nelie would touch the ends as if mesmerized. Instead of pushing her hand away, the Duke responded with more deliberate tongue movements. Day and night, they sometimes spent the entire day in bed, as if they were the only two people in the world.
A child born with such pretty colors……
She recalled what Jerome had once said. That the Duke’s nickname was once “baby angel.” That his extraordinary beauty since infancy had earned him much love. That from that time, all kinds of artists wanted him as their muse.
If so, a child resembling him would undoubtedly be the same. The irrational thought that obtaining such a jewel from just a few months of indulgence might not be so bad often consumed her.
‘But the child’s father wouldn’t even welcome it.’
She remembered the Duke’s words that he had no intention of seeing an illegitimate children from her. Thinking of this made her feel so sorry for the child that might be growing inside her. The overlap between her position—used as a smokescreen for a more precious woman—and the unwanted child’s situation was unbearable.
Following these thoughts, sometimes she felt it would be okay to have the child, and other times not. Fear prevented her from visiting a doctor. She was afraid of confirming what to do if it was real.
The first to detect Nelie’s anxiety was Tina, who already had a child in her womb. Tina, who had been quietly observing Nelie while living close to her, stroked Nelie’s back among people eating and drinking with freshly baked bread.
“Nelie.”
“Yes?”
“……If you need it, I can introduce you to the doctor I visit.”
Nelie’s eyes wavered at Tina’s kind voice. She looked at Nelie with pity.
“I haven’t told anyone. It’s okay.”
“Tina. I……”
“You know, I thought you would become a great illustrator in the city.”
Nelie closed her mouth as the topic changed. The words felt like a reproach. Sensing Nelie’s mood, Tina gently stroked her hand.
“Isn’t that right? Of all the people I’ve seen, you had the best illustration skills.”
“That’s just because this place is small……”
“No. You showed me those illustration collections and picture books from the printing house since you were young.”
“……”
“Sometimes I liked what you drew more than those pictures. Really.”
Nelie’s lips quivered at the sincere words. Tina carefully looked at Nelie’s face, then shifted her gaze to Nelie’s flat stomach and whispered.
“So anytime, as much as you want, you can start again.”
“……Tina.”
Tina quietly met Nelie’s eyes.
“That kind of reputation isn’t a flaw for artistic activities. I hear painters who have dozens of illegitimate children and touch young girls are still active.”
Though she didn’t know much about art, she knew about certain gossip that spread every season. This place was no longer the countryside it once was.
Among these stories were definitely such tales. Some sculptor touched a woman twenty years younger than him. Some painter touched a married woman. These were prominent and famous artists known even to Tina living in the countryside.
If they could get away with it, why couldn’t Nelie? If anyone should be pointed at, shouldn’t it be the man who took advantage of an innocent country girl?
‘Whoever he is.’
Tina was about to call him terribly ugly with a filthy personality but stopped herself, realizing it would also insult Nelie’s judgment. So instead of cursing, she spoke kindly.
“Right, Nelie?”
“……”
“You can do it. As much as you want.”
Tina sincerely believed this as she comforted her old friend. Nelie controlled her surging emotions. Her father had also said something similar. It was after the compensation money came in.
“Nelie. I have one request. Don’t use the compensation money from selling the land for my treatment. Keep it.”
“But Father, that’s……”
“Please. That should be used for you.”
“……”
“Someday… so you can go to another city again to study.”
“I don’t need to study like that. It’s too much for me anyway……”
“No. You have plenty of talent. No matter what anyone in the city told you.”
“……”
“So please…… Consider it my lifelong wish.”
She felt grateful yet guilty that there were people who believed in her this much. She feared their reactions if they knew what happened in Tevant, that she had used her position as a mistress to steal someone else’s award. She was also afraid of disappointing them.
Still, she couldn’t help but be comforted by their sincere words. One side of her chest felt heavy and stiff.
“Thank you, Tina.”
“Don’t forget me when you succeed later.”
“Of course. How could I forget you…… Ugh.”
It was while Nelie was continuing her words that one of the villagers passed between them carrying an unusually greasy roast chicken.
The rich smell instantly turned her stomach. Pale-faced, Nelie hurriedly looked for a bathroom.
“Nelie? Are you okay?”
Even as Tina followed, Nelie rushed into the public toilet and caught her breath. Her anxiety jumped wildly. What should I do? What should I do?
If there really is a baby, what will happen to me now?
Her eyes were starting to burn when she felt a hot mass flowing from below.
Nelie flinched and trembled at the sensation. Her startled heart gradually returned to its place.
“Ah.”
A sensation too familiar to mistake. A sensation that had been visiting her periodically since puberty.
“……”
A feeling that couldn’t be clearly identified as either relief or disappointment washed over Nelie, soaking her heart from top to bottom. It felt so hollow that even the overwhelming relief seemed almost desolate.
‘It was needless worry.’
All the time she spent wondering what to do if she had a child resembling him disappeared into that emptiness. Along with the sparkling golden hair and vivid green eyes.
Considering her circumstances where she could barely take care of herself, this was truly fortunate, but it meant that no trace of the Duke remained with her.
‘……Still, this is right.’
Nelie tried hard to think this way as she caught her breath. Yes. This was right. It had been an unstable relationship, and one that was already over.
She had a duty to live the rest of her life bravely. She needed to take care of her father, wanted to be truly recognized for her skills next time, and needed to marry a man who wouldn’t mind her working at a printing house, as per her original plan.
Her time in Tevant was like a bubble dream that would be forgotten as time passed. Her only regret would be never being able to return to the city of art.
Creeak. Nelie slowly opened the door. Tina, who had rushed over worried about Nelie, looked at her with anxious eyes. Nelie took a deep breath and opened her mouth to Tina.
“Tina. Can I ask you for one favor?”
“Yes?”
“Please bring me some thick cloth.”
Nelie closed her eyes for a long moment and then opened them as she continued speaking. The words flowed more calmly than expected. With a very slight sense of loss, and an even greater sense of relief.
“I…… need a sanitary pad.”
- ianthe
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