4.2

“Lucian.”

“L-Lana.”

Handing the crumpled tabloid to the coachman, Iliana fixed her gaze on Lucian, who was catching his breath. His disheveled black hair, straight eyelashes, and sweat trickling down his well-defined jawline reminded her of summer.

Iliana, feeling like someone parched under the summer sun, opened and closed her lips. She had rushed to the Earl’s residence, driven by her own thoughts, but now that she was face-to-face with Lucian, she had no idea what to say.

Their gazes met and held. Lucian didn’t speak first either, so the only sounds were the rustling wind and the occasional neighing of horses.

After a long pause and careful thought, Iliana finally broke the silence.

“Lucian. I have something I want to ask you.”

Her slightly lowered voice trembled. As she licked her lips nervously and dropped her gaze, Lucian finally exhaled.

“…Alright, just wait a moment.”

Lucian, after a pause longer than a single beat, raised his hand and dismissed the attendants and knights around them. His unusually firm gestures left Iliana feeling both puzzled and relieved.

Once the attendants had retreated to a reasonable distance, Lucian met her gaze. Even that simple act of looking at her seemed refreshing, and Iliana, suppressing the ache in her chest, opened her lips once more.

…She wasn’t sure if Lucian still remembered that night. She had to phrase her words carefully, framing them as something a friend might ask. If so…

“I sent you a letter. Why didn’t you reply?”

“Ah, th-that’s…”

Did my question come off as too sharp? 

Lucian visibly flinched and averted his gaze.

She hadn’t expected him to avoid answering by faltering like this. It was hard to believe that the usually composed Lucian, who could always come up with a plausible excuse like being busy, was acting this way.

Though he claimed they weren’t in a relationship, the hypothesis she didn’t want to believe solidified into certainty.

Facing his green eyes, which remained tightly shut as if refusing to answer, Iliana swallowed hard. She decided to abandon this question.

“Is it because you remembered what your drinking habit is?”

“…What?”

Lucian’s eyes widened in surprise at her bold question.

Whatever his answer might be, this question was a gamble for Iliana.

On the surface, it might sound like she was asking if he was embarrassed about his drinking habits, but in reality, the question meant: ‘Do you remember sleeping with me?’

It was a question akin to stepping off a cliff. If he remembered, their friendship would be irreparably damaged. Her hands trembled, but she gripped her dress tightly to hide it. Thankfully, it seemed like he hadn’t noticed.

Standing on the edge of her nerves, Iliana held her breath as she waited for his response after a brief silence.

“Well, that…”

But his answer wasn’t one that pushed her over the edge.

“No, I don’t remember anything about that. I can say that for certain… And, no, it’s not for the reason you’re thinking.”

It was an answer that allowed their precarious balance of friendship and one-sided love to continue.

He doesn’t even realize that I’m in love with him.

Watching Lucian press his palm against his forehead and cover his expression, Iliana bit her lower lip. The summer sunlight felt bitter, like an autumn breeze.

Unlike the warmth she had felt in the garden, the slightly chilly wind now only fueled her doubts.

If he had remembered that night, her heart would have pounded so hard it felt like it might burst, but at least she could have confessed.

But since that wasn’t the reason, and since he still hadn’t explained why he hadn’t replied to her letter…

That left only one possibility…

Iliana thought of the crumpled piece of paper she had handed to the coachman. The shape, warped from her anxious grip, felt like a reflection of her own heart.

If it turned out that Lucian truly had a connection with Nea Hariel—that they were in a relationship—and that was why he hadn’t replied, then her fragile heart would surely crumble.

“…Are you going to the capital for the social season this year?”

Hiding her trembling hands behind her back, Iliana met his gaze and forced herself to ask. Though she tried to sound calm, her question betrayed her desperation.

If Anas had heard her, she would have told her to be more direct, but the timing of her question wasn’t ideal. She knew that herself. Asking now, after everything, wasn’t exactly graceful…

Scratching her nails against her palm to mask her unease, Iliana noticed Lucian closing his eyes briefly before shaking his head.

“No.”

“Th-then… Do you, by any chance…”

Biting her lip, Iliana searched his turquoise eyes again. She wanted to meet his gaze.

But as soon as their eyes met, her courage vanished without a trace. She felt exposed, vulnerable. Even so, she had to continue speaking. Fixing her gaze on the ground, she rubbed her dress and raised her voice as steadily as she could.

“Do you, perhaps, have someone you wish to marry?”

His refusal to go to the capital meant he wouldn’t be participating in this social season.  

No matter how busy his training as the heir might be, the Countess wouldn’t simply let Lucian, who was of marriageable age, stay behind. Of course, if Lucian himself didn’t want to go, she might have allowed it. However, given the rumors currently circulating about him, it was reasonable to assume that she would have persuaded him to go to the capital to quell the gossip.  

But the answer Iliana received was, “I’m not going to the capital.”  

It was only natural for her to ask the next question. He must have someone he likes, someone who doesn’t need to go to the capital.  

Nea Hariel was the daughter of a family that prioritized commerce, and she wasn’t part of the marriage market. So, then…  

“…”  

There was no response. Suppressing the emotions surging within her, Iliana raised her head, and her gaze landed on Lucian, who stood stiffly with a flustered expression.  

Ah, was the autumn wind always this harsh?  

As he belatedly shook his head stiffly, the fragile, paper-thin hope Iliana had been clinging to crumbled soundlessly.

Why? Why had I expected anything? All this time, why had I thought… that Lucian might have even the slightest feelings for me? There wasn’t even a shred of affection in those bewildered eyes.  

It felt as though someone was whispering for her to wake up from her dream.  

Only then did Iliana realize that the future she had imagined was nothing more than a fairy tale, steeped in unrelenting optimism. Her brows furrowed as she let out a bitter laugh.  

Iliana Raylin was nothing more than a childhood friend to him.  

They were close enough to know how each other liked their steak cooked, and even how thickly they preferred it sliced.  

They were close but distant—a relationship where even switching plates to accommodate each other’s preferences was a choice, not an obligation.

If they had been able to progress into a romantic relationship, they would have done so long ago. But that hadn’t happened. Iliana’s feelings remained a one-sided love. Lucian had been involved in gossip with the same woman four times now.  

To reiterate, Lucian was quite a conservative person. He acted in line with the ideals he envisioned, and while his drinking habits might have been impulsive, when sober, he was a gentleman with great self-control.  

He wasn’t the type to leave strange rumors unchecked four times over.  

Which meant that the rumors were likely true.  

Perhaps Lucian hadn’t replied to her letter because he was being considerate of his future Countess and wanted to draw a clear line in advance.  

As this thought crossed her mind, Iliana clenched her eyes shut and steadied herself.  

Damn Lucian Declan. If he had just told me, I would have understood.  

I could have ended this wretched one-sided love and…  

“…I see.”  

The emotions she had been trying to sort out felt like a death sentence, and her legs nearly gave out. After opening and closing her lips a few times, she finally managed to squeeze out a voice that sounded like it had been wrung dry.  

This distance was her boundary.  

In the painfully crisp autumn wind, Iliana let out a faint smile.  

Lucian finally took a step toward her, but Iliana was quicker to turn her back.  

“I came because I was worried something might have happened when you didn’t reply. But now that I see you’re well, that’s enough.”  

“Lana.”  

“Sorry for showing up without notice. I won’t do this again, so don’t let it bother you too much. I’ll be leaving now.”  

Hastily adding a goodbye, Iliana walked toward the coachman, who had been waiting with the carriage a short distance away.  

She heard Lucian calling her name urgently, but she couldn’t turn around. If she did, she felt like she might reveal the tears welling in her eyes.  

Fortunately, her legs didn’t give out.