Chapter 4 Part 4

Minjoo entered the ICU. When she felt down, seeing her mother was the best remedy.

Her mother, as always, lay there, meeting Minjoo in silence. Minjoo approached her, checking for any changes, and gently looked down at her with warmth.

“Mom, I’m here.”

She carefully placed her hand over her mother’s. The rough texture brought a slight sense of comfort to Minjoo, the faint warmth assuring her. She smiled, thankful that her mother was still alive and things hadn’t taken a turn for the worst.

“Mom, I got something really pretty yesterday.”

Even though she knew her mother couldn’t hear, she continued.

“A diamond necklace. There are earrings too. I bought them as a celebratory gift for when you get discharged.”

Of course, there was no response. Minjoo continued to speak.

“When you get out, let’s go on a trip wearing the necklace. You love the ocean, right? We’ll take pictures. I’ll make it my profile picture and brag to your friends. Tell them your daughter bought it for you.”

When she finished speaking, only the sound of machines filled the room. The one-sided conversation made Minjoo smile sadly. Sometimes, she felt tired. She hoped her mother would regain consciousness at least once. Gently, she tidied her mother’s hair.

“I’ll come again, Mom.”

Unable to shake off her gloom, she headed back to work.

When Minjoo finished her shift and came outside, she saw Gihyun’s car parked in front of the store. Instead of Gihyun, an unfamiliar woman stepped out of the car. She remembered Gihyun mentioning that he would be late due to a family gathering. She felt relieved, knowing she wouldn’t have to engage with him tonight.

Upon returning home, Minjoo was greeted by new furniture. A new desk and chair had been set up in her room, along with a matching bookshelf against the wall. The housekeeper mentioned that if she wanted to rearrange anything, she should let her know and then handed Minjoo a snack.

Minjoo gazed at the smooth wooden desk with mixed feelings. Trying to clear her mind, she started filling the empty bookshelf with the stack of workbooks and reference books she had set aside. She then tried out the chair, finding the backrest comfortably supportive. She thought it would be less tiring to sit for long periods.

Sitting there, she pondered again.

What does Gihyun truly want?

She recalled the answer she had set aside as incorrect.

Declaring it as the right answer seemed baseless. This was a man who once detested children, who had coldly left Minjoo when he believed Yoonjung was pregnant. Now he claimed there had never been a child with Yoonjung, yet insisted he needed one now. There were too many missing links.

A small spark of curiosity flickered but quickly faded. Minjoo was afraid of digging up her past again. She wanted to bury everything. She pulled out a workbook and started solving problems, one after another, where the answers were certain.

Minjoo’s eyes were dry and tired. She checked the time. It was already 1 AM. She hadn’t even realized she was tired, thanks to the coffee that came with the snack.

Though exhausted, she didn’t feel like sleeping. Minjoo decided to rest her face on the desk for just five minutes.

She faintly heard the door lock being released. Drowsy, she remained awkwardly slumped over. The only person who could enter at this hour was Gihyun. She stayed still, hoping to avoid any awkwardness if he saw her. She wished he would go straight to his room and sleep.

Contrary to her hopes, the door to her room opened. Minjoo pretended to remain asleep, still slumped over.

Gihyun seemed to pause at the doorway. Then she heard careful footsteps approaching. She felt his gaze on the back of her head before he gently tucked her fallen hair behind her ear.

She felt a moist touch on her ear. Realizing Gihyun had softly kissed her, Minjoo stiffened. She would have preferred him shoving his p*nis at her and spewing obscene words.

“…Minjoo.”

He called her name tenderly. Each word carried the scent of alcohol.

In the past, Gihyun didn’t drink much. He was surprisingly bad with alcohol. He never drank enough to get drunk, and if he was in a bad mood, he would stop after one glass. Seeing his unfamiliar drunken habits, Minjoo’s fingers trembled.

She couldn’t bear it. Minjoo awkwardly straightened up and lifted her head. She met Gihyun’s eyes, which were looking down at her. He neither mocked her nor got angry as he usually did. He simply looked at her with a sigh.

Suddenly, she saw the twenty-year-old Gihyun in his face. The Gihyun who was sometimes depressed and occasionally looked at her with eyes that seemed on the verge of tears. She loved that Gihyun. The one she could comfort and fill with her presence. But what could she fill the current Gihyun with? Now, it was Cha Minjoo who was the one feeling pathetic and depressed.

In the room, illuminated only by the bedside lamp, they silently looked at each other. Gihyun was the first to move. He reached out as if to cup Minjoo’s cheek with his palm. Minjoo froze at the approaching warmth.

“Cha Minjoo.”

Gihyun, who usually spoke with such authority, murmured as if pleading.

“…Look at me.”

“……”

“Just once more.”

Gihyun leaned in a little closer and whispered.

“…Even if it’s not as much as before.”

As Gihyun tried to close the distance, Minjoo reached out her arm, forcibly keeping him at bay as she stood up from her chair. She backed away towards the bookshelf, managing to say only one thing.

“You drank too much.”

Gihyun remained still, his heavy breathing filling the room. He then shoved the chair aside and moved closer to Minjoo.

“Should we make another contract?”

“……”

“Is that the only way… you’ll deal with me?”

Realizing the emotions embedded in his words, Minjoo was deeply shaken. It was the answer she had been pushing aside, thinking it couldn’t be true.

But before Minjoo could respond, Gihyun’s eyes glazed over. He collapsed, falling into Minjoo’s arms. Unable to support his weight, she half-sank to the floor. She hurriedly dragged him to the bed. Once his body was laid out, his breathing became steady. He seemed to have fallen asleep.

Minjoo left the room. Without turning on any lights, she sat on the sofa in the living room. Alone in the dark, Gihyun’s presence became even more pronounced in her thoughts.

“Look at me.”

It was a phrase Minjoo had longed to hear, one she herself had often uttered.

Why was Gihyun saying it now?

She felt exhausted, unsure whether it was because of her studies or because of Gihyun. She was holding on for her mother’s sake, but her strength was waning. The oppressive weight of depression was starting to creep back in. Forcing her eyes shut, Minjoo tried to push it away.

She wanted to escape.

Escape from the confusion he was causing.

***

Unable to face Gihyun sober, Minjoo left the house early in the morning. Gihyun was sleeping in his room, so she didn’t take her phone, which was on the desk. She planned to use that as an excuse if Gihyun later questioned why he couldn’t contact her.

During her walk, she reflected. Minjoo recalled what Hyekyung had said and Gihyun’s past actions. The things she had rationalized as unlikely were all pointing in one direction.

However, there were still many things she didn’t understand. How could Gihyun use the excuse of a child with Kang Yoonjung to break up with her, only to later claim that there never was a child? If there really was no child, then what about the time she…

Minjoo tried not to think any further. She continued to walk slowly against the wind. When depression tried to take over, she had to keep moving.

She walked around the park ten times. By now, Gihyun should have left for work. Once again, she tried to settle her mind and headed home.

Standing in front of the door, she noticed it was slightly ajar. She grabbed the handle and quietly pulled it open. As she stepped inside, she sensed something was off. She moved quietly towards her room. The moment she entered, she froze, unable to make a sound.

The neatly arranged textbooks and reference books were all pulled out and scattered on the floor. The wardrobe and drawers were all open. Minjoo’s bag was lying on the floor in the same state. Her phone shared the same fate. The person who had turned Minjoo’s room upside down was sitting on her bed with clenched fists.

Gihyun looked at Minjoo with a face full of anger and sadness. Only she was confused. What had caused Gihyun to explode? Was it because she had been out for just two hours without a word?

Minjoo tried to calmly address the situation.

“…I went for a walk.”

Gihyun slowly stood up. His fists were still clenched. It wasn’t until he was in front of Minjoo that he opened his hand.

“What is this?”

In Gihyun’s palm were birth control pills. Minjoo finally looked at her scattered bag. Her entire body went cold.

Seeing Minjoo unable to speak, Gihyun’s face twisted even more.

“Isn’t this against the terms of our agreement?”

“……”

“You didn’t want to have my child?”

Gihyun was struggling to keep his voice steady, but it was clear he had lost his composure the moment Minjoo walked in. His lower jaw was trembling.

“Explain.”

“……”

“Why did you take birth control pills when we had an agreement? Even though I offered you money, you didn’t want my child?”

“……”

“What were you thinking while having s*x with me?”

The interrogation continued. The lack of sleep the previous night and the walk in the cold wind had drained Minjoo of any strength to make excuses.

Gihyun, who was exploding with anger, stared at Minjoo. However, she couldn’t empathize with his anger. Seeing him furious because of her only brought back memories of the past. The buried sorrow erupted like a volcano.

“You’re right.”

Minjoo gritted her teeth as she spoke.

“I only needed the money.”

“……”

“You deceived me while you were with Kang Yoonjung, so why couldn’t I deceive you?”

Minjoo looked directly at Gihyun with self-deprecation. Despite the fierce look in her eyes, they were red and teary.

“I didn’t want to have it.”

She brought up the past she had tried to bury.

“…Because I once had your child.”

The words she had planned to keep secret forever came out more easily than she had thought. Gihyun froze immediately upon hearing them. Minjoo stood there, quietly continuing her story.

“…Back then, I loved you so much.”

Even without receiving anything in return, she couldn’t give up her feelings.

“Whether it was a kiss or s*x, if you wanted it, I wanted to give it to you. I believed that one day, my sincerity would be understood.”

“……”

“…How foolish of me.”

Back then, enduring everything and giving it all, she thought it was love.

“I wanted to stay by your side if you needed me. Even though I knew you were treating me like a fool… I thought that if I stayed by your side, you’d eventually see me.”

It was too late when she realized that others’ hearts weren’t like hers.

“But… when you told me to treat you like a dead person… everything crumbled.”

To the point where she couldn’t return to her daily life.

“…Enduring and enduring. Waiting only for you, crying secretly. I thought it would end like this.”

This wasn’t a conversation she had prepared for. Once she started bringing up the memories, they couldn’t be controlled and kept spilling out.

“I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep even at dawn. I prayed to a god I didn’t believe in, begging… for time to pass quickly… If it was something I was holding onto forcibly, if it wasn’t meant to be… to let me forget quickly.”

People said everyone goes through a breakup at least once.

“But still, it was all stuck in me, like something lodged in my throat.”

It wasn’t something she could easily get over.

“I thought it was just emotions… but it was a baby.”

Gihyun’s face twisted immediately.

“My belly didn’t even swell, and I never had morning sickness… but when I went to the hospital, it was already over 11 weeks.”

She recalled the past when she couldn’t decide anything and was engulfed in self-loathing.

“…I always said I loved children, dreamed of living surrounded by them. But when it came to my own child, I felt burdened and didn’t know what to do. I hated myself for that.”

“……”

“That day, I suddenly started bleeding.”

Her vision blurred. She closed and opened her eyes, and tears flowed down.

“When I lost the baby, instead of feeling relieved, I wanted to die. It was my responsibility. Why did another life have to die instead of me?”

It was Cha Minjoo who wanted to die, yet she didn’t.

“Whenever I think about having another child in the future, the thought that it won’t be the child I lost makes my chest feel tight…”

Tears streamed down Minjoo’s cheeks.

“…I ran away. I went back to my parents’ house and stayed there. I felt like I would die without someone by my side… even just looking out the window, I wanted to jump…”

She spent her days curled up inside, wasting away.

“Every time, my mom would hold me and cry. At first, I thought she would scold me, blame me… but instead, she just told me not to die, to live… that it would be nothing once it passed. I endured because I couldn’t bear to see my mom sad if I died. Watching her, I managed to hang on.”

Gihyun stepped closer to Minjoo, but she took a half-step back. He reached out again, trying to touch her, but she refused once more.

“…Just when I finally started to pull myself together… my mom was diagnosed with diabetes.”

Gihyun’s movements halted. At the same time, Minjoo’s emotions began to spill over.

“The depression came back. Even though I tried to hold on to the idea of happiness, my brother got into trouble. He left behind gambling debts and took his own life… My mom’s diabetes led to kidney failure, and she had to start dialysis.”

Minjoo closed her eyes.

“I started taking antidepressants without thinking. I had to work, I had to save my mom…”

She recalled the first time her mom lost consciousness, and how she felt utterly alone in the world.

“…I didn’t even wish for happiness anymore, just that the hell inside me would go away.”

“….”

“If there is a sin I have committed with my body and heart, I will spend my whole life paying for it… just let me save my mom. I begged and begged.”

“…”

“…I managed to endure, to cover it up and live, but then you suddenly appeared and asked me to have your child.”

A bitter laugh escaped Minjoo’s lips. The laughter mixed with her tears.

“…Why me? Did you think I’d do it because I’ve done everything else you’ve asked? Did you think I’d do it this time too?”

“Minjoo.”

“Or did you just want to see how pathetic a person can become in the face of money?”

She berated herself harshly. It wasn’t liberating; it was a burden that pressed down on her. She couldn’t bear herself anymore. She covered her face with her hands, tears pooling in her palms. She cried for a long time.

Slowly, she lowered her hands and lifted her head. Standing in front of her was Gihyun, his face filled with anguish. This made Minjoo feel strangely calm. She let go of everything inside her. She spoke haltingly.

“…If you want to break the contract, go ahead.”

“…”

“The money… if you give me time, I’ll find a way to pay you back.”

Slowly, she moved to pick up her bag that had fallen to the floor. She didn’t care about anything else; she just wanted to leave. She staggered toward the door.

Gihyun blocked her path, standing in the doorway with his arm outstretched, holding onto the doorframe to prevent her from leaving.

“…I didn’t want to break up.”

This time, Gihyun spoke slowly.

“Not even then.”