Prologue

There is a secret box that must never be opened recklessly by anyone.  

To her, the memories from ‘before she fell ill’ were like that.  

The memory of losing her first child immediately after giving birth, the days she teetered on the brink of life and death due to puerperal fever caused by the treatment of a quack doctor, and the fact that she fainted and only properly regained consciousness after ten full days—all of that now felt like someone else’s story, locked away in that box.  

But the biggest problem caused by all of this was something else. The moment she woke up again, everything before her eyes had become unfamiliar.  

That’s right. The shock from that misfortune had left her in a state where she could remember almost nothing except for tiny fragments.  

For instance, she found it strange that she couldn’t recognize the handsome man sitting beside her bed, looking at her with worried eyes. 

Who was he? Why did he know so many details about the tragedies that had happened to me?  

Surely, that man must be talking nonsense.  

At the time, she believed that the memories she barely held onto were the only truth. Displeased with his apparent delusion, she retorted sharply:  

“Excuse me… What exactly are you saying right now? Who are you to say such things about me? I’m still single. There’s no way an unmarried woman like me could have had a child or suffered from puerperal fever.”  

The man’s expression immediately turned to one of shock. His eyebrows, peeking out from beneath bangs that resembled strands of golden silk, furrowed pitifully.  

Why is he making that face?  

While she was puzzled, the man looked at her with honey-colored golden eyes and asked,  

“What do you mean by that? Are you joking?”  

“What do you mean, joking? I’m saying that you’re clearly mistaken. And I’m not joking.”  

“You… How much do you even remember right now? What’s your name? Your age? Do you know where we are? Answer me.”  

“Y-you?” 

Startled by the sudden intimacy of his address, she shrank back and answered,  

“My name is Cordelia… and I’m eighteen this year. My hometown is a rural village called Hoberin in the southwest. I was on my way in a carriage to get married. But I think I must’ve dozed off along the way. So, the woman you’re talking about isn’t me. I haven’t even met my husband-to-be, Levin, and I’ve never experienced anything like married life.”  

At the time, she thought she could quickly correct the man’s mistake with her words.  

However, what came back was an even greater shock than before. He looked utterly horrified. In his trembling eyes, she appeared almost like a madwoman, as though he believed she was clearly out of her mind.  

At last, he responded.  

“No. That’s not true.”  

“What isn’t true?”  

He seemed frustrated, as if he didn’t know where to even begin explaining. Eventually, he raised a hand and rubbed his face roughly, as though washing it dry, before replying.  

“You’re twenty-four years old now, Cordelia.”

“What are you talking about…?”  

“You’re already married, you’ve had a child once, and you just woke up after being bedridden for a very long time.”  

“What?”  

“And now you’ve forgotten all of that? How is that even possible? How could something like this happen all of a sudden?”  

As he spoke, the man suddenly reached out and gently touched her cheek. His action seemed as though he was trying to assess something, but fortunately, there was no sign of fever. She froze like a fool, staring at him blankly until he withdrew his hand.  

Who is this man spouting nonsense? Why is he acting so familiar with me? 

It was at that moment.  

Suddenly, an unfamiliar, burning pain pierced through her body, as though something was tearing her apart. It was near her chest. Startled, she gasped and quickly wrapped herself in the blanket that was covering her. Then, she addressed him.  

“Excuse me, could you… turn around for a moment?”  

“What? Why?”  

“It’s strange. I want to check if what you’re saying is true. If I really gave birth to a child, there should be some changes to my body.”  

“But I’m not lying. I really—”  

“It’ll only take a moment. Just don’t stare at me like that. I can’t check if you’re watching.”  

“Unbelievable…”  

Clicking his tongue, he turned his back to her from where he was sitting. She immediately pulled the blanket over herself like a tent and began to check inside her clothes.  

A woman who has gone through pregnancy would have larger br*asts, and the color of the n*pples and ar*ola would darken. Moreover, even if she had lost the child, her body would still produce milk. She knew this because she had often seen her mother, who had given birth to her siblings one after another, go through the same process.  

After confirming the truth, she was utterly shocked. Her body, visible under her clothes, had indeed changed from how she remembered it at eighteen years old. Moreover, it hurt terribly. Her mother had also suffered from this kind of pain and had been tormented by it.  

What was even more shocking was that, as soon as she thought, ‘This makes no sense!’, a slippery liquid came from her chest. The faintly sweet smell instinctively told her that it was milk.  

“Uh… What is this…?”  

“What is it? Can I turn around now?”  

Her mind went blank with confusion.  

Could it be true, as that man said, that I had really given birth to a child? That I had actually been married? This couldn’t be real. But then, why couldn’t I remember any of it?  

No matter how much she tried to deny reality, her changed body was proof that everything he said was true. Overwhelmed, she took a deep breath.  

“Cordelia, answer me. Can I turn around now?”  

“Yes…”  

At his urging, she adjusted her clothes with a dejected voice and emerged from under the blanket. By then, the man had already climbed onto the bed. This time, he began examining her from an incredibly close distance, barely a handspan away.  

“What’s wrong? Is your body acting strange? Or are you in pain somewhere? Be honest. That way, I can help you. If you end up like before…”  

“Before you say anything else, let me ask one thing. Who are you?”  

As he poured out his worries once again, she interrupted him with her question.  

At this, he wore an expression filled with hesitation once more. His face seemed to carry both guilt and sorrow, as though he was upset that she couldn’t remember him.  

“Are you Levin? My husband? If you’re not, there’s no way you’d know so much about me. Judging by the looks of it, this place seems like a home, so does that mean we lived here…?”  

At her question, he closed his eyes slowly before opening them again. Instead of answering, he suddenly voiced an unexpected regret.  

“…Ah. Then I guess you can leave now. You can go with a clear conscience.”  

“What? Stop saying such random things. And what do you mean by leaving? Do I look like the kind of person who would break my vows as a spouse just because I lost my memories?”

Why would such a pessimistic answer come in response to the question of why he was my husband? 

His words sounded as if he were telling her to leave freely now that she had no memories. Sure enough, he soon gave this explanation:  

“Vows? Such things are meaningless. You’ve been through so much and suffered greatly because of it. But now you’ve forgotten all of it… So you can finally feel relieved. That’s why there’s no need for me to explain everything in detail…”  

“So, are you telling me to leave right now?”  

She had no memories, no idea where to go, and no clue how to live. How was she supposed to manage? She looked at him with a wounded expression.  

“What exactly do you mean by ‘relieved’? Do you even realize what would happen if I left like this? What am I supposed to do, just walk out? How can you say something so frightening out of nowhere?”  

At those words, he looked at her with an expression of sheer bewilderment. Then he asked why she was saying such things now when she had once desperately wanted to leave.  

“Why bring up the past? I just told you—I have no memories. That makes everything about this situation confusing and overwhelming for me. And now, you suddenly tell me to leave, making me feel like I’m being thrown out. It’s sad and hurtful.”  

“No… I didn’t mean to drive you away. I just thought… that now might be the perfect time for you to leave…”  

“No, it’s not.”  

“If you don’t know the way, I can guide you. To a very good place where you can stay.”  

He spoke again in a sullen tone. Yet, his words carried a certain conviction.  

Angry, she glared at him. Despite her efforts to explain her feelings, it felt like their conversation kept circling back to the same point.  

And what was this talk about a “good place”? Did he really think I’d feel that way now? I had lost all my memories.  

It seemed like he believed that whatever she—meaning the version of herself before she lost her memories—had wanted to do was the only right answer. He seemed determined to fulfill that wish even now.  

Of course, she could understand his feelings to some extent. If she had just lost a child and had been wandering on the brink of death while retaining those memories, she might also have been consumed by a deep sense of loss and wanted to leave this house immediately. She might have even seen her husband as just another fragment of her unbearable misfortune.  

However, that wasn’t the case for her. At this time, she had barely turned eighteen, so such despair did not belong to her.  

She firmly rejected his suggestion.  

“Either way, I don’t want to. So let’s do this instead.”  

“What do you mean?”  

“Let’s start our marriage over again.”  

“…What?”  

He questioned her with a startled look, as if asking what she was talking about. She explained as though it were the most natural answer.  

“I understand that you’re giving me this advice for my sake. I’m grateful for that. But, you see, I don’t particularly want to leave. Maybe it’s because I don’t remember the past, but I don’t feel very sad either. Instead, it feels like this might be how I felt when I first got married. But when you keep telling me to leave, it feels like I’m being cast aside without even getting a proper chance to experience married life.”  

“That’s not what I meant.”  

“I’m not blaming you. I think I can vaguely understand how you feel. I must have been deeply upset and angry about losing the child, right? So you thought that if I could quickly free myself from the past, I’d be able to let go of that anger. Isn’t that right?”  

“…Yes. But that’s not the only reason. In fact…”  

“That’s enough. Don’t say anything else. I told you—I don’t remember anything anyway.”  

At her words, he furrowed his handsome face and hesitated, as if unsure of how to respond. However, she stopped his protests by gently holding his tightly clenched fist on the bed.  

Sometimes, one side has to push firmly for an answer. And in this case, that person had to be her.  

“I told you it’s fine. So, at least until my memories come back, let’s live like this for now.”  

“…”  

“Or… could it be that you’re the one who doesn’t want to live with me anymore? If you’d feel more at ease with me gone… then I might actually consider leaving.”  

“That’s… not it.”  

He answered in a somewhat confused voice. His gaze quietly dropped to the hand she was holding.  

“Then that’s settled. Let’s try to live well together from now on.”  

She smiled as she added her final words.  

“And while we’re at it, let me say this. I don’t know what you mean by a ‘good place,’ but if you’re talking about my hometown, I can’t go back there. Do you know what my parents said when they sent me to marry you? They said, ‘Now that she’s grown up, we can finally have one less mouth to feed.’ I don’t even have many memories of being loved while growing up there. Now imagine me being separated from my husband and going back to that house alone. Do you think they’d take me in? They’d definitely kick me out again.”  

She spoke in a tone that sounded like a joke, but the content was anything but amusing.  

At her words, Levin raised his gaze to look at her again. With eyes and an expression that revealed hesitation and uncertainty, he said,  

“But… when your memories return, you’ll surely regret this in some way. You might even resent me greatly. The only reason you’re here at all was for your recovery.”

“Hmm… I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”  

“Exactly. That’s why I’m telling you to leave this confusing environment. The more memories you regain, the more painful it will be for you.”  

As she listened to his words, she thought to herself:  

What kind of married life had I experienced with this man for him to try so hard to stop me from staying by his side?  

In truth, it wasn’t hard to come up with the answer, even with a simple thought.  

She had likely vented the despair of losing the child she had carried and given birth to on him, her nerves already worn thin. Perhaps she had cursed him, blaming everything on him. Maybe she had even shifted all the responsibility for the child’s death onto him.  

Her mother used to do that often as well. Perhaps she had unconsciously repeated the same behavior her mother had once shown.  

This man must have been deeply hurt and frightened by her reactions. After agonizing over her words telling him to “get lost,” he might have concluded that their relationship was irreparably broken.  

Feeling a pang of sympathy, she raised both hands and wrapped them around his neck this time. She felt his body jolt in surprise, as if startled. But wasn’t reconciliation always awkward like this? She didn’t mind much and spoke.  

“I don’t know if I’ll regret this later. But I’ll think about that when the time comes. Right now, I just want to stay with you. Is that okay?”

The answer to her question didn’t come for quite some time. He remained frozen, as if he had turned to stone after making eye contact with Medusa.  

Perhaps because of that, her voice ended up breaking the silence before he could respond.  

It was a groan caused by the pain in her chest.  

“Ugh… It hurts.”  

“It hurts? Where?”  

At her words, he hastily pulled away from her and asked, his hands lightly gripping her arms with a gentle force that seemed considerate of her.  

He examined her face closely, tilting his head this way and that, and asked again, 

“Where exactly does it hurt? Your face is really red.”  

She was too embarrassed to immediately admit, ‘It’s because my heavy chest, which feels painful, is being pressed.’  

…It must be mastitis.

As soon as she realized that, her chest began to feel damp. Her clothes started soaking through, and she could feel the wetness trickling down, even to her stomach. The ticklish sensation as it ran down her abdomen caused her face to flush even hotter.  

“Are you really in pain? But your body has already healed. Maybe it’s better not to think about it at all…”  

“It’s not that. It’s… from the aftereffects.”  

“Aftereffects?”  

He tilted his head in confusion, clearly not understanding. When she raised one hand to point at her chest, his eyes widened as if he had finally grasped something. His expression seemed to say, ‘Why on earth is your chest wet?’  

“Childbirth. It seems like I still have some mastitis. Even though I lost the baby, the body doesn’t return to normal so quickly.”  

“Oh…?”  

Even after her explanation, he still looked dumbfounded.  

‘This foolish man. I’m already dying of embarrassment, so what am I supposed to do if he doesn’t even understand?’  

But on second thought, she realized there wasn’t much to be embarrassed about. After all, as her husband, he had already seen her body countless times.  

Suppressing her shame, she spoke more casually, 

“Why are you so surprised? Instead of standing there like an idiot, help me out a little.”  

“…What? Help… with what?”  

“My mother told me that these things need to be properly relieved so they don’t harden or hurt. As my husband, you should take better care of me from now on.”  

“Take care…? How?”  

“There are plenty of ways. You could bring me towels frequently, help me change clothes, or massage my chest.”  

“…Massage? Touch it?”  

‘What’s so strange about that? We’re married, aren’t we?’  

Tilting her head at his question, she asked, 

“Why? Is touching it a problem? Are you the type to feel shy about anything outside of the bedroom?”  

As she spoke as if it were no big deal, he immediately cleared his throat as though he had choked on something. His face clearly showed signs of dizziness, likely due to her blunt words.  

I’m twenty-four now, right?

Levin seemed to be around that age as well, at most under thirty. Perhaps because of this, he felt more like an inexperienced young man than a composed adult male. For example, moments like this—his ears turning bright red, unsure of what to do.  

“Ah, come on. We’re married, we’ve even had a child together, so it’s not like we haven’t seen everything. What’s with that reaction? Is it strange for milk to come from the chest of a woman who’s given birth? I’m asking for help as a patient, and you’re all stiff about it!”  

“No… I get it, but… I don’t know much about this kind of thing. Sorry. This is new to me too…”  

“Good, as long as you understand! Let’s do this properly.”  

At her stern tone, he blinked repeatedly, flustered. Then, looking restless, he abruptly got up from the bed and disappeared somewhere. He soon returned, holding a soft towel.  

“Shouldn’t we wipe it off first? And what should I do about the pain?”  

“Never mind that for now. Just come here.”  

She nodded and gestured with her hand.  

The tall and handsome man obediently approached her like a puppy.  

Even in the disorienting situation of having to suddenly acknowledge a stranger as her husband, it was fortunate that she found him somewhat endearing. He really should count his good looks and that adorable personality of his as blessings. Perhaps because of this, she was able to quickly accept him as her husband again.  

Touch.  

She grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer. Then, she lightly kissed his cheek as he leaned in. She heard him take a sharp breath. With a short laugh, she let him go.  

“Why do you keep acting so awkward? Just because I’m missing a few memories? Let’s just think of it as starting married life over again. You’ll do that for me, won’t you? Judging by your reaction, I think I’m going to enjoy this.”  

At her words, Levin turned his head, rubbing the cheek where her lips had touched with one hand. His expression was filled with surprise and admiration.  

This time, she spoke to him in a calm voice, apologizing. It was something she needed to address.  

“And about the child… I’m truly sorry. If I ever said anything harsh to you because of that and hurt you, I’m sorry for that too.”  

He blinked slowly, his gaze dropping to the floor. She cautiously asked,  

“Did you see the child’s face?”  

“…Yes.”  

“Which of us did the child resemble?”  

At her question, Levin, who had been silently pondering, responded in a low voice.  

“You… I think he resembled you a lot. His brown hair, for example, and the shape of his face. He was a boy.”  

“I see. Oh, he must have been beautiful.”  

She grasped his hand once more.  

“The child has gone to a good place… So let’s not blame each other over this anymore. Or about the past, either. Of course, from your perspective now, since I don’t have any memories, it might feel like I’m speaking carelessly. But in any case, it’s all in the past now. We can make up for it by living well from here on…”  

“The child went to a good place.”  

At that moment, he interrupted her fading sentence with his reply.  

There was certainty in his words, and for some reason, her heart felt heavy. When she lifted her head to look at him, as if asking if it was true, Levin gave a small nod, as if to say, “It’s true.”  

“So you don’t have to blame yourself for it anymore, either.”  

“Thank you for saying that.”  

Only then did she realize that they had finally finished mourning the child they had lost.  

Perhaps before this—more precisely, before she had lost her memories—they had spent their time blaming and resenting each other instead of properly grieving. And because of that, they had likely thought that separating was the only way to forget. They must have believed that parting ways was the punishment for their guilt.  

But she no longer felt that way. Now that the mourning was over, she felt lighter. Perhaps that’s why, for now, she wanted to live with this man a little longer.  

If resentment had disappeared along with her memories, there was no need to dwell on it any further. Even if, as he said, regret would come again someday, that was a matter for the future.  

So she decided to bury all those painful memories deep within her heart. Some things need to be sorted out in such a way.  

“Then let’s try living well together again. If someday another child comes to us, we can love them enough for the one who left. I hope we won’t torment each other anymore over things we can’t change… Can you help me with that?”  

At her words, he gazed at her quietly for a long time. Then, as if contemplating the future, he closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again and nodding.  

“…Alright, Cordelia.”  

She kissed him again, the man who had given her a warm and heartfelt answer. It was a kiss of a new beginning. Levin willingly parted his lips to welcome her, and in the warm sensation of their entwined tongues, the two became husband and wife once more.