Chapter 11 (Part 1)

“What is going on? How can I possibly be alive?” 

She repeated those words countless times as she wandered aimlessly around the house, clutching her head with both hands. Her mind was too chaotic to think of anything else. All she could do was question, ‘Why? How?’

She had just woken up from a dream. In it, she saw her ‘previous’ memories, specifically her married life with that damned red-haired Levin. However, what she was focusing on now was not that, but the time when she had given birth to a child. 

“I was surely… I had stopped breathing.” 

She did give birth, just as Nathaniel had said. But the crying soon stopped, and she knew the child was dead. That damned devil seemed to have raged, “The child is dead? Damn it! I already promised to hand it over and received the money! Bring it back to life quickly!” 

Anyway, after that, she received postnatal care from a quack doctor, who was clearly not a real physician, brought by that man. Afterward, she kept getting fevers and her whole body was in pain. She drifted in and out of consciousness, knowing her breath was weakening. She cursed that damned red-haired man and lost consciousness. At that moment, she felt a peculiar sensation, as if she was being separated from her body. 

When she woke up again, she was in this house. With a new Levin, no, with Nathaniel. 

“Did he really bring me back to life?” 

She bit her nails, recalling the moment she was revived just before she was strangled to death. She didn’t know how such a thing was possible, but it seemed to be allowed for him. 

Of course, she was very grateful for that. He saved her and allowed her to stay with him. But as soon as she realized that, anxiety began to creep in. 

“Is he okay?” 

She worried whether his body was being harmed because of her, whether she was draining his life force. Once her thoughts took a pessimistic turn, everything seemed to appear negatively. 

He had been particularly tired lately, found it hard to wake up in the mornings, his always pale face showed dark circles, and he seemed dazed more frequently…

Then she suddenly recalled what the woman had said before. 

“If you keep acting like this, Nathaniel might get caught in the flow and be swept away with you! You keep recklessly sharing the life force he gives you, don’t you? But if you continue, Nathaniel will feel the repercussions too.”

What on earth did that mean? What was the significance of those words?

Filled with doubt, she trembled with anxiety and looked toward the back door. More precisely, in the direction of the fence beyond the door. 

Had that woman come again today? What did she have to say to me? Was it about him again? 

“Maybe… I should ask…” 

Just as she was about to head toward the back door, as if in a trance, something colorful caught her eye. It was a bouquet. More precisely, the bouquet Nathaniel had personally tied and gifted to her. 

Seeing it reminded her of the promise she had made to him. The vow that she would not betray him and would stay by his side no matter what. And the words she had said to him last night were the same. 

“Even if I regain my memories, I will wait quietly until you tell me. By your side. Do you know what this means? It means I will never leave you.”

“If keeping it a secret is more comfortable for you now, then do so. I won’t ask more. And I’ll do as you say.” 

While she had said she trusted him and would wait, what on earth was she doing now? She had even said, ‘even if I regain my memories.’ And Nathaniel had probably relied entirely on those words. 

Suddenly, she remembered the expression on his face when she had said that. His face, which had been filled with anxiety and uncertainty, gradually calmed down. 

Despite having seen that face up close, she was now considering betraying him because she couldn’t suppress her confusion. She almost lost her right to be his wife. 

She slowly approached the vase where the bouquet was placed and gently held it in her arms, careful not to damage it. The scent of the flowers mixed faintly with the smell of wood. It was the scent Nathaniel always wore. She imagined him picking each flower and tying them into a bouquet. 

Surely, he had done so with the gentle demeanor she loved so much, hoping for her sincere trust as he made his vow. 

“…I have to wait. I have to trust. Until he tells me everything…” 

Yes, she decided to do just that.

She steeled herself while gently stroking the flowers as if they were his hair.

***

However, her resolve soon wavered. 

Nathaniel didn’t seem to be in good shape when he returned home. Previously, even after staying up several nights to hold her, he had returned to work without any issues. But today, he stumbled as soon as he came through the door and eventually fell asleep in an unexpected place—in the bathtub. 

“Honey! I wondered why you hadn’t come out for so long!” 

When he didn’t return for quite a while after going to bathe, she had cautiously opened the door and entered. There he was, asleep in the bathtub. It was clear he wasn’t just resting with his eyes closed. He often furrowed his brow while sleeping, a habit she had noticed while watching him closely. 

“Come on, get up now, okay? It’s cold. Why are you like this…?” 

She quickly dipped her hand into the bathtub to check the water temperature. The water was already halfway cold. Perhaps that’s why his skin felt slightly cold. 

With a heavy heart, she gently embraced his neck and woke him up. Nathaniel slowly opened his eyes. With a soft splashing sound, he wrapped his arms around her back and kissed her neck.

“Oh, sorry. I dozed off for a moment.” 

“You’ll catch a cold… Get up. The water’s cold.” 

“Alright. …Huh? Cordelia, are you crying?” 

“I’m not crying… Just upset. What if you catch a cold?” 

To hide her tears, she spoke in a petulant tone. She stroked his cold neck and head. Her heart ached at his weakened state, and knowing it was because of her made it worse. 

Why not just tell everything? Instead of struggling to hide things, why not seek my understanding? 

At that moment, that’s all she could think. It was probably a childish selfishness, as she didn’t know what she would face once all her memories returned. She didn’t realize that this moment was the happiness granted to her by the gods. 

Then she heard a short laugh. 

“My lady is a crybaby. I thought you only did that in bed.” 

He teased her with a sly joke and then pulled away, saying her clothes would get wet. When she openly sniffled in dissatisfaction, Nathaniel flinched and gently caressed her cheek with his large hand. 

“What’s wrong? Or is there something you’re worried about?” 

“What would I be worried about…?” 

“Liar. Just as you know my condition, I know yours well.” 

He stated confidently. His beautiful golden eyes reflected her face like a mirror. She really did look like a crybaby. Embarrassed, she wiped her tears with his hand as if it were a towel. At her unexpected action, he laughed again, as if finding it ridiculous. 

“Huh? What’s this cute behavior now?”

There was nothing cute about it. It was just embarrassing. 

To hide her embarrassment, she deliberately kissed his hand softly and then slowly got up. 

“I don’t know. Just hurry up and finish washing. I’ll be outside.” 

“Is it because I teased you? Sorry. I’m really fine, so come here. Want to wash together?” 

Though she wanted to jump into the arms of that lovely man, she knew it was time to restrain herself. She didn’t want to drain his energy, so she pretended to be upset and left the bathroom. If she stayed with him, they might end up making love in the bathtub, which would only tire him more. 

Once in the bedroom, she lay on the bed and pretended to fall asleep with soft, even breaths. 

After a while, he came out of the bath, drying his hair, and approached the bed. He tried to wake her by planting ticklish kisses all over her face. But she clung to him, pretending to be deeply asleep. 

“…Haha. This reminds me of the old days.” 

When was that? How many secrets did he have that I didn’t know about? When would he tell me all those stories? Did he think they were things I could go my whole life without knowing? 

Of course, if it made him comfortable, she partly agreed. But if he was truly compromising his health to take care of her, it would break her heart. She didn’t want to consume his life force. 

Then, suddenly, warmth spread throughout her body. He embraced her as if covering her completely. Enjoying the pleasant sensation, she murmured in her sleep. 

“So warm…” 

At that, she felt Nathaniel flinch. Then she heard a long sigh, as if he were relieved. 

He gently stroked her hair, adjusted her posture, and lay down beside her again. Holding her close, he murmured softly. 

“I still can’t quite believe you’re here with me… Cordelia, what if this is all a dream? What if this is my last dream before I die? It’s so happy that it feels strange.” 

“…” 

No, it’s not a dream. 

She wanted to answer immediately. Why did she pretend to be asleep? Feeling as if she had shot herself in the foot, she quietly caught her breath. All she could do was cling to him, groaning softly. Mustering her courage, she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed closer. She savored his warmth, hoping he felt it as much as she did. 

“I wish we could stay like this forever…” 

Me too. 

She said silently, rubbing her lips against his chest as if by accident. Nathaniel chuckled, as if tickled.

Then, carefully turning his body, he pulled away and kissed her slowly. Like before, a gentle warmth spread through her, filling her with energy. After breaking the kiss, he gave her a brief kiss on the forehead and said, 

“I love you. So much that giving you my all wouldn’t be enough.” 

His tender words made her throat tighten with emotion. The depth of his affection made her feel like crying. She intended to open her eyes and respond immediately, but he embraced her again, and she missed the moment. 

“Sleep well. Have sweet dreams.” 

In his gentle farewell, she fell asleep holding him. 

It’s okay. I’ll wait. I will. If that’s what you want. 

They held each other tightly, like animals huddled together, closing their eyes deeply. 

And that night, she had a very happy dream. It was a dream of meeting him as a boy. She was of a similar age, and they were happy children, walking hand in hand through the forest. 

They saw a little foal drinking water. She knew it was their Skoll. Laughing heartily, she exclaimed, “Oh my, Skoll! Come here!” Skoll neighed playfully and slowly approached them, nuzzling Nathaniel’s hand. It was a happy dream, with nothing to worry about. 

And when she opened her eyes again. 

“…Honey? Nathaniel?”

No matter how much she called, he did not wake up.