Chapter 11 (Part 5)

They talked throughout the night. 

More precisely, Nathaniel’s explanation continued for that long. They walked together in the garden, sat side by side on the sofa back home, and sometimes held each other while talking. 

“So, to summarize simply… this place is the middle ground between the living and the dead that you manage, and I’m already dead. You’ve been watching over me, a being called a ‘singularity,’ and took me in as your wife here…” 

“Took you in? It’s the opposite.” 

Nathaniel corrected her immediately. 

They were lying together on the bed, and she, resting against his chest, turned her head to look up at his face. He was smiling, but there was a hint of sadness.

“You took me in as your husband. From the beginning… because of my selfish desire to keep you by my side. I’m sorry for deceiving you all this time.” 

At his words, she chuckled softly. It meant, “Why are you saying this now, after we’ve been married for so long?” She added, 

“But actually, I’ve also experienced some strange things lately. I couldn’t tell you, though. Like seeing old memories in dreams… so.” 

He looked as if he felt more heartache than she did. He seemed to want to ask why she hadn’t told him. But he seemed to understand her heart. So, he comforted her by saying, “It must have been hard for you alone.” Just that simple acknowledgment made her feel liberated from the pain of those times.

“And I hurt you once with my sleep-talking, didn’t I? Actually, I remember that, but I pretended not to… I’m sorry. Back then, I couldn’t tell if it was a dream or reality. But now I see there was a reason. I just thought you were a pretty ghost. Or an angel who would come to take me when I died.” 

“You’re the only one who’d see me that way. Still, at that time… I foolishly felt happy.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I made eye contact with you. Even if just for a moment.” 

His confession was tender. At his words, she deliberately squirmed up from his chest to get close to his face. She wanted to look directly into his eyes. When she playfully said, “Now you can look all you want,” he let out a short laugh. 

Then she asked about something that suddenly came to mind. 

“But weren’t you bored?”

“What do you mean?” 

“You said you had to keep watching me. I didn’t live very interestingly.” 

In truth, she wanted to say, “It must have been painful.” How hard it must have been for him to watch her unhappy life. 

As if understanding her heart completely, Nathaniel gave a bitter smile and shook his head. He wore a compassionate expression as if he would gladly pretend not to notice her clumsy cover-up. 

“No, it was interesting. I was busy all day in my own way. Playing with the dog, looking at the grass, sometimes discovering flowers.” 

He didn’t mention the unhappiness with the red-haired Levin, out of respect for her. She was grateful for that. It felt as if he saw her life, filled with nothing but suffering, as somewhat beautiful. In the tenderness of the moment, she gave him a short kiss. She felt as if the knots between them were slowly unraveling. It was as if they were melting and truly becoming one with each other. 

“I have another question.” 

“What is it?” 

“When did you start liking me?” 

“Me? From the first time I saw you.” 

He said without a moment’s hesitation. But she was more puzzled by his words. There wasn’t a single moment back then when she was pretty. 

“What was I doing then? I wasn’t pretty at all.” 

“You were… quietly touching the grass in the sunset. They were young clovers. Then you saw something and smiled brightly, and it happened to be in my direction. At first, I thought you were looking at me. Even though it couldn’t be.” 

He explained slowly as he pulled her into his arms. Listening to his story in his firm embrace, she felt an unparalleled peace. Moreover, it was a memory of her that only he knew. It was like discovering a fascinating treasure belatedly. When she urged him, “And then?” he kissed her forehead. Then he continued his story. 

“You came running towards me happily… I almost hugged you. But it turned out you were looking at a dog raised by a shepherd. It was running towards me from behind. So, you ran right past me.”

As he said this, he held her even tighter. It felt as though he was trying to compensate for the emptiness of that time. 

“Ah… it must have been so empty.” 

“Of course, that’s my nature. But for the first time, I felt regret that someone couldn’t see me. And once I realized that, the regret turned into longing. Why couldn’t you see me? Why was I invisible to your eyes? Were we too different? I thought I’d never be able to speak a word to you. I thought watching over you would be the end.”

His explanation reminded her of the things he used to say habitually. He always spoke of her as if she were a dreamlike, unreachable presence. He often said he couldn’t believe they were together at that moment. 

She thought it was an exaggeration, words meant to comfort her. But looking back from his perspective, they were originally beings who couldn’t even see or hold each other. 

“So everything you said was true…” 

Realizing this deepened her affection for him. It also made her realize anew that their relationship was a miracle. 

“And Cordelia, I’ve already given you all my life force once.” 

“What do you mean…?” 

“On the first day, when you were struck by another Grim Reaper’s arrow, you were on the verge of complete soul annihilation. That’s the purpose of weapons like ours. If that happens, you disappear completely without even going through reincarnation. But I couldn’t bear to see you disappear. I couldn’t just watch. So, I gave you everything then. I thought I’d die without seeing you wake up. But strangely, I regained consciousness, and you woke up without your memories.” 

“Wait, so if I had taken that potion then… it would have been a completely unnecessary death?” 

“Yes. Now do you understand a little why I was so angry? It wasn’t because I regretted giving you my life force. I thought I’d lose you forever. I thought I’d never see you again. How could you try to leave like that? I was terrified the whole time I was running, thinking Stella might have done something to you.” 

He placed a firm kiss on her forehead as if it were a punishment. 

But to her, it was not something she could easily let go. How could she have almost thrown away all of Nathaniel’s efforts? How foolish she had been. If she had taken the potion based on that woman’s words… 

“I’m really, really sorry… I didn’t know you had already done so much for me… I almost made you even sadder.” 

Tears welled up again, and she sniffled. She was so sorry she couldn’t even lift her head. She was embarrassed by her carelessness and sorry for believing someone else’s words over his. 

He patted her back, teasing her briefly with “Crybaby.” Then he continued, 

“Cordelia. We’re together now, beyond impossibility. So let’s not be swayed by unnecessary things and just stay together like this. That’s all I want. Truly.” 

“Nathaniel…” 

“You never know when the end will come. So there’s nothing I can be sure of about how much time I have left, or how much time you have left. But even if I were to die tonight, I’d never regret being with you like this. I couldn’t. Now, it seems like nothing else mattered but the time I spent with you. Do you… regret knowing me like this?” 

She wanted to answer his warm confession gracefully, but foolishly, she just sniffled. Tears flowed freely, and she couldn’t be graceful at all. But she wanted to convey her feelings, so she buried her face in his chest and shook her head vigorously. Then she hugged his neck and kissed him all over his face. 

“Not at all? Then that’s enough.” 

Despite the tears soaking him, the kind man just gave a short laugh. 

“I love you. Very much, and forever.”

As soon as she managed to stop crying, she confessed to him, 

“Not because you love me… not out of gratitude or apology… I just love you for who you are. I feel like I have your heart forever. Nathaniel, that’s truly how I feel now… So, please, think of me that way too.” 

Then he gently cupped her face with both hands and replied, 

“I already knew that well. You made it clear even to my subordinate. That we are indelible presences to each other. Knowing my feelings that clearly means you feel the same way. I felt like you were proposing to me again then. I was happy you said it so clearly.” 

“Yes…” 

He kissed her tear-streaked face in various places as she nodded in agreement. 

And soon, their connection began again. It seemed to be filled with love rather than pleasure. 

Even the deep sense of unity was moving. It felt as if she was made just for him, and he for her. To be so deeply immersed in each other was a joy that was also moving. 

But at that moment, she realized one thing. 

The divine did not send her for his death, but to teach love to the one they cherished so much. That must be the reason she became a singularity. 

‘Ah, so if either of us were to disappear first… it would be me, who has fulfilled my purpose, not him.’