Chapter 5 (Part 1)

What exactly is the existence of a god?  

She often found herself pondering this question.  

The divine seemed infinitely benevolent, yet also carried an opposite nature. It was as if both aspects of their power toyed with her. What kind of ending did they want for her? She couldn’t help but be consumed by doubt from time to time.  

“You sleepyhead. Are you going to greet me in bed again today?”

“Mm… I want to sleep… Come back soon… I’ll make something delicious…”  

“Alright. Don’t overdo it.”  

“Mm…”  

“I love you. I’ll be back.”  

Just before leaving for work, Levin kissed her cheek as a farewell. As always, his gesture was filled with warmth and affection. Still clutching the pillow, Cordelia waved her hand lazily, her half-closed eyes heavy with sleep.  

Ever since the conversation about children, she had noticeably started sleeping more. It had reached a point where she couldn’t even hide it anymore, and Levin had quickly caught on.  

Normally, she would have greeted him eagerly upon his return, fresh out of the bath, clinging to him and starting with a kiss. But now, she curled up on the sofa, sleeping soundly. Even when they were intimate, she used to complain that it wasn’t enough no matter how many times they joined, but now, she collapsed after just one round, and their physical encounters had significantly decreased in frequency.  

Of course, there was something that came to mind.  

But neither of them brought it up first.  

Levin seemed to think she was pregnant. A mother could only confirm the existence of a child at a certain point. He appeared to be waiting for that moment.  

“…”  

When the sound of Skoll’s footsteps faded, Cordelia got out of bed immediately. She staggered toward the bathroom.  

Splashing cold water on her face, she tried to wash away the drowsiness, but even as she stepped out, her head still felt foggy. If she could, she would have thrown herself back into bed to sleep again.  

…But she knew she couldn’t do that.  

It was when she reached for a towel to dry her face that she felt something crinkle inside.  

“Sigh… As expected…”  

With a sigh, she pulled it out.  

「Today marks a week since I came to this house.」  

Another piece of her journal had appeared.  

It seemed like it was time to admit that she was slowly losing her mind. There was no other explanation for the things that shouldn’t exist but kept appearing before her eyes.  

It was her memories.  

Based on her experiences so far, they always appeared in the form of journal entries.  

At first, she thought Levin—or perhaps her past self—had failed to discard the remnants of her old life and had torn them up and hidden them away.  

But that wasn’t the case. These were mere hallucinations, appearing as if projected onto any piece of paper, showing only their contents clearly before disappearing. Truly, it was something only a madwoman could experience.  

And it always began when Levin was away.  

That was why she struggled to fall asleep when he wasn’t around. Her increased sleepiness was because of this. Unfortunately, it wasn’t due to pregnancy. When she closed her eyes, she dreamed of fragments of the past. When she opened them, the papers appeared. It was as if the past was being shoved in front of her, saying, ‘You can’t escape anymore.’ 

“Alright, let’s see what it says this time.”  

Cordelia picked up the paper she found while reaching for the towel and began to read it carefully. As expected, it once again projected her journal, showing fragments of her past.  

「Today marks a week since I came to this house.  

I’ve come to realize some miserable truths. The first is that I’ve married a despicable scoundrel.  

The man I was originally supposed to marry was said to be the youngest son of a devout Baron family. And that man was not Levin. However, the man who should have been my husband ended up gambling with his friends and lost a huge sum of money. After pondering how to repay it, he sold me off to this place as if I were a commodity.  

Even the Baron family didn’t object. They seemed to prefer giving away a woman they had paid for to settle the debt rather than having their son accumulate it. They must have been pleased, thinking they had regained a clean son.  

And so, I became the wife of a man named Levin.」  

Ah, so that’s how it happened. 

Her marriage had started in such a pitiful way.  

「A wife, a wife, they say. Haha. Even as I write this, it sounds absurd.  

Levin doesn’t treat me as a wife. It would be more accurate to say he sees me as a pr*stitute he received in exchange for a debt. Without my consent, he constantly comes at me, stripping off my clothes and violating me to satisfy his desires. The only thing I can do is visit the entertainment district during the day when he’s not around, combing the hair of the women there or massaging their arms and legs in exchange for medicine. I wanted to avoid pregnancy at all costs. I couldn’t bear to carry the child of such a filthy man.  

But one day, I got caught taking the medicine.  

What do you think his reaction was? He shamelessly called me dirty, spat in my face, and said, ‘What? Just medicine? Don’t make me laugh. You must be doing filthy things there, right? Look at yourself. There’s no way you wouldn’t.’ His words stabbed me like a dagger. And that was when the violence began.」  

That bastard… He even hit.  

So, this is why marriage requires careful consideration. Of course, for poor women like her, born in the countryside, there weren’t many options for choosing a husband.  

“Alright, I’ve read it. That’s enough now.”  

After finishing the journal entry, Cordelia crumpled the paper in her hand and headed straight for the fireplace. Inside, there seemed to be more remnants of burned paper than firewood. It was because she had been burning these fragments one by one.  

She had no idea what kind of paper it was this time, but burning it at least brought her some relief…  

“Ah…?”  

Suddenly, she gasped and hurriedly reached toward the flames. She quickly retrieved the paper she had just thrown in, scraping it out with her palm. The searing heat was painful, but she didn’t have the luxury of dwelling on it. Desperately, she pressed her sleeve against the flames that had begun to nibble at the paper, extinguishing them. Fortunately, only the edges were slightly burned.  

“No! Oh, my God…”  

She thought she had thrown away something trivial.  

But when the illusion broke, she realized that this paper was a cherished memory—one where Levin had once drawn her face. At that time, it had gotten slightly damp, so she had tucked it between towels to dry it.  

But now, because of her own hands, it was crumpled and its edges burned. All because of that wretched memory of the “real Levin”!  

“Argh!”  

Cordelia screamed like a wounded animal, clutching her head in anguish. Soon, the pain in her palms began to torment her as well.  

Her left hand was a mess—pus was already seeping from certain spots. She picked up the crumpled paper with her other hand and returned to her room.  

After hastily applying ointment to her hand and wrapping it with bandages, she focused entirely on smoothing out the paper on the table.  

Flatten. Flatten. Go back to how it was. Return to the way it was, as if nothing had happened!  

If anyone had seen her at that moment, they might have pointed at her and called her a madwoman. But she was completely absorbed. She even trimmed the burnt edges into a neat circle, as if they were intentionally decorative. The paper began to look somewhat presentable again, and a flicker of hope rose in her heart.  

Yes, if I can fix this, my marriage won’t fall apart.  

She clung to this baseless belief and continued her work.  

But then it happened.  

As she tried to smooth out the crumpled center one last time by gently pulling the edges, the paper suddenly tore right before her eyes.  

The drawing split cleanly in two, leaving it irreparably ruined.  

Cordelia froze in place, her eyes wide with shock. She stared blankly at the torn paper that had fallen onto the table.  

The smiling face in the drawing was now ripped apart. Crumpled and fragmented.  

“Sniff….”  

In the end, she began to cry as she looked at it.  

For some reason, it felt as though the torn drawing symbolized her future—a future that seemed uncertain and filled with despair.  

***

From that point on, Cordelia became completely hesitant about dealing with the papers and eventually gave up altogether.  

After all, once the illusions faded, they were just ordinary pieces of paper. Besides, there might be something among them that she shouldn’t burn, as had happened before.  

In fact, she feared she might have already thrown something precious into the flames without realizing it.  

So, in the end, she decided to ignore them, no matter how many appeared.  

But then, ironically, the papers began to haunt her in her nightmares.