Now that things had come to this, dating this man didn’t seem so bad. If she wasn’t really going to divorce him, wouldn’t it be better to get to know each other now?
Rather than living a lifetime as a couple worse than strangers, it seemed like they could become a little closer, like friends. Then she might feel less lonely. Above all, now that this man knew too, it wouldn’t feel like she was cheating.
From now on, there would be no more running away to her room after sleeping.
“Your Grace.”
“Yes?”
Rian opened his eyes wide in surprise, as if he had been deep in thought. Today, he was showing various expressions. It felt strange seeing such different sides of this taciturn, ice-cold man.
“I’m curious about something.”
“Please speak.”
“Why are you suddenly acting like this?”
At her question, his eyes flickered slightly, momentarily flustered, before he covered them with his hands. After sighing repeatedly as if thinking deeply, he finally raised his head and looked at her. Though the silence wasn’t particularly long, Belita found it stifling.
“Your Gra—”
“I also—”
“……?”
“Don’t know.”
Rian’s eyes looked confused. He kept moistening his lips as if they were dry, then let out another deep sigh. After hesitating briefly, he finally revealed his honest feelings.
“Honestly, I’m afraid.”
“……!”
“I don’t even know if I have the right to act this way toward you. But……”
He dragged out his words again. Silence fell once more, but Belita waited quietly.
“I feel like I shouldn’t lose you.”
“Why…?”
“Because you understood the part of me that even I didn’t know.”
‘And because you’re the only person I can reach out to.’
“……”
After those words, silence descended again. Not knowing what else to say, Rian moved his lips and frowned.
“Your Grace.”
“……Yes.”
“Is that why you want to have a child? To bind me to you?”
“Ah, no! That’s absolutely not it. That’s not—ah…… I’m sorry. It seems that’s not entirely untrue……”
Ha! For a moment, Belita let out a laugh. But not in a bad way. Rian’s rambling was both ridiculous and fascinating in its purity—he couldn’t even lie in this situation. He was clearly different from Crazy Rian.
“Wife.”
“Yes.”
“It was my first time.”
“What was?”
“When I……”
The man who had been blushing and dragging out his words suddenly spoke with wide eyes, as if he had made a firm decision.
“Kissing someone, pressing flesh against flesh, being consumed by desire and acting like a beast—you were my first for all of that.”
“……”
Ah…. It wasn’t his first time; they had joined bodies countless times, but the man was blushing like a shy boy confessing that he had given his purity for the first time. Belita’s conscience pricked her again, feeling like she was the only impure one. She felt bitter, as if she had cheated again.
“Of course, that day I made a mistake because I misunderstood you. Even though that guy is also me, I committed a great discourtesy to you. But that won’t happen again. He won’t come out again. So look only at me and start over with me.”
“Have you found a way?”
“What?”
“I’m asking if you’ve found a way to prevent your other personality from emerging.”
“Ah…… Don’t worry about that. If I keep my wits about me, he absolutely won’t come out.”
Does that mean he had been living without his wits until now? That couldn’t be. She had thought he was a man more cold and solid than anyone. Yet his other personality had emerged countless times. Just looking at that, things didn’t seem likely to go as he intended.
Should she tell him? When his other personality comes out? Wouldn’t that make it easier for him to guard against it? The thought crossed her mind. But she quickly dismissed it. Crazy Rian was also the owner of that body. Having seen the desperate looks in both personalities’ eyes, she couldn’t take sides with either one now.
Above all, this seemed like something he needed to resolve himself, not an issue for her to step into. Even if she did intervene, nothing would change, and if it had been such a simple matter, his personality wouldn’t have split in two to begin with.
“Wife, do you hate me because I’m a madman?”
“……It’s not that I hate you, I was afraid.”
“Are you still afraid?”
“Not as much as at first. But……”
But what? It wasn’t that she hated him or liked him. It wasn’t as terribly frightening as at first, but she wasn’t completely unafraid either.
Then what were her feelings toward this man? Pity? Compassion? Ha, who was she to pity or feel compassion for anyone? She couldn’t even cure her own mental illness.
“Wife.”
“……”
“Please help me.”
“What?”
“Help me live normally.”
“What do you……”
Rian spoke desperately, as if he had laid everything down. Like a wounded beast exposing its injuries and asking for help. At that moment, Belita felt a twinge in her solar plexus. She felt sorry for him.
“What can I do to help you?”
“Just stay by my side. Don’t go anywhere, and if I start to change even a little, please wake me up.”
“I’ve tried waking you up many times. But you didn’t come back.”
“This time will be different. Back then I didn’t know, but now I do.”
“……”
“Wife.”
Seeing Belita lower her head, an anxious Rian grabbed her hand. As this was the first time she had held hands with Grand Duke Rian, Belita’s body flinched.
Was it always this natural?
She felt newly bitter about all that time she had spent circling around him, unable to cross the invisible line that had now disappeared so easily.
Yes, she didn’t think Crazy Rian wouldn’t emerge again. He was the type who would find a way to come out no matter what. But now that they were both aware of each other, she thought that perhaps someday the two personalities might merge. If she could act as a mediator for that, Belita wanted to help this man. Then perhaps their marital relationship might improve from before.
If there was a better choice than divorce, she wanted to take it. Because being alone was frightening. And truthfully, she didn’t have the confidence to live by herself.
“Then let’s do this.”
“Do what?”
Rian’s eyes sparkled as if he had seen a ray of light. Though he hadn’t said so, he seemed quite shocked by his condition. He appeared determined to do whatever it took to eliminate Crazy Rian.
“Let’s date as Your Grace suggested. Whatever that means. Since we’re husband and wife, we’ll sleep together too. But other things, a little more slowly……”
As she tried to speak, she felt strangely embarrassed and dragged out her words, prompting Rian to tilt his head and ask,
“Other things? What do you mean?”
“W-well…… Activities like having children……”
As she glanced at him sideways, Rian lowered his eyes, seemingly deep in thought. Belita, guessing what he was thinking, quickly cut him off before he could speak.
“We already—”
“I know. But actually, I don’t remember…… Because I drank so much that day……”
“……Then should I help you remember?”
“What? N-no!”
At Rian’s provocative words, Belita quickly pulled her hand away and waved it frantically. What was he talking about, helping her remember such things?
At her strong rejection, Rian’s expression turned gloomy. zthe man who had crossed the line once seemed to have no restraint. The awkward, embarrassed man from before seemed to have disappeared completely. This too was probably part of his basic nature.
“Then is it alright if we approach slowly? Holding hands, and when that becomes familiar, kissing, and then……”
“Th-that’s something to think about slowly later! It’s very late, so sh-shall we sleep? We need to sleep to work tomorrow.”
A flustered Belita jumped to her feet. The more they talked, the embarrassment seemed to be hers alone.
“Let’s do that. You must be tired from being woken up because of me. Let’s sleep for now and continue our unfinished conversation slowly in the future.”
“Yes.”
Though she had answered, she found it difficult to lie down in bed with him so naturally. Had there ever been such an awkward moment? As she stood there uncomfortably, he took her hand and led her to the bed.
“I won’t do anything. So don’t be afraid.”
He promptly laid her down, then lay down beside her, lying straight on his back looking at the ceiling. Glancing at the man lying quietly, he seemed to be trying to fall asleep with his eyes closed peacefully.
Just lying next to each other made the air feel strange. Her heart pounded and she was too conscious of him beside her to fall asleep easily. For a moment, she regretted not deciding to share a bed more gradually.
“Sweet dreams, wife.”
“What? Ah.”
Her awkwardly placed hand was taken in his. After the initial surprise, she felt his fingertips trembling as he interlaced their fingers. Feeling his trembling, she couldn’t help but laugh. Though he’s pretending to be nonchalant, he was clearly nervous too.
Her chest tingled. As if they were really dating for the first time, the subtle atmosphere wasn’t unpleasant. She wondered what he was thinking now.
Human affairs were truly unpredictable. She had drunk with Crazy Rian, joined bodies with the transformed Grand Duke Rian, been branded an immoral woman, and declared divorce. Was that why? He had discovered his condition and revealed his true self. And now they were holding hands and sleeping together.
She never thought a day like this would come. She never imagined she would end up like this with this man. Though she didn’t know what would happen in the future or how it would end, she just hoped it wouldn’t get worse than it was now. Then she felt she could endure it. Even if the end result was just a friendship without love.
Yes, that wouldn’t be so bad.
Belita smiled slightly and closed her eyes. Though sleep wouldn’t come easily, it wasn’t as uncomfortable as before, so yes, this was good enough for now.
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Nous_Defions
How cute… One step at a time… That’s it… Gradually, Rian will become whole again… I hope they’d gave more time to converse with each other, and be more honest with each other soon… I think that would help them overcome this challenge…