4.3

Julian had thought that since both were quite ascetic, no mishap would occur. He had left, asking Hendrick to watch over Vanessa so no one else would covet her. Surely, he hadn’t been betrayed.

Even though he knew these worries were unfounded, Julian couldn’t shake his unease. Anything could happen between a man and a woman.

“And Earl Hendrick seems to care a lot about you. Now that he’s appointed you as a knight, you should live uprightly without causing worry. A knight has duties and responsibilities, after all.”

The statement that a knight has duties and responsibilities was something Earl Hendrick had drilled into Julian’s head. Hearing it from Vanessa made him feel strange. He remembered Vanessa standing right next to Hendrick during the knighting ceremony. They seemed quite close. What he had thought was unfounded worry might not be….

Unpleasant scenarios unfolded endlessly in Julian’s mind. Unable to contain his sense of betrayal, he said something he shouldn’t have.

“Ha, you speak as if you’re his wife. You must have had a good time with the Earl while I was away.”

It didn’t take Vanessa long to understand Julian’s sarcasm.

Of all people, is Julian the one doubting my chastity? How lightly must he think of me to say such things? 

She was beyond shocked—she was furious.

“I only said that Earl Hendrick is a good person. What do you take me for?”

Facing Vanessa’s indignation, Julian felt both relieved and regretful for speaking without thinking.

Vanessa, still fuming, lashed out at Julian.

“And can you say you’re innocent? People say you left the castle to womanize. If that’s true, what right do you have to doubt me?”

Julian didn’t jump up, protesting his innocence. Nor did he offer any obvious excuses. He had indeed lived immorally, so he couldn’t help being misunderstood. Even if the whole world pointed fingers at him, he hoped Vanessa would believe in him. Julian accepted the painful reality with composure.

“Since I met you, I haven’t lain with any woman.”

“….”

“It’s hard to believe, but it’s true.”

Julian’s low murmur was accompanied by eyes dark with sincerity. Vanessa realized he was telling the truth.

She wanted to demand why he had left the Earl’s castle, why he had left her side. If he knew how she had waited for him. Choked with sorrow, she couldn’t speak, and at that moment, the attendant returned with their food.

“Here is your order of ‘anything will do.’ Lentil soup with wheat bread, ham made from pork shoulder to accompany it, cheese, smoked sausage, and carrot salad. Lastly, this is pickled herring, a bonus for you. It was shipped from the coastal city, and the inspector marked it as checked. The quality is outstanding. You’ll see I’m right once you taste it. Enjoy your meal!”

Wooden plates filled with food were placed on the table. Despite the steaming, warm food, she had no appetite. While Vanessa didn’t touch a drop of water, Julian silently shoveled his share of the food into his mouth.

Julian’s failure to apologize for his rude remark disappointed her. 

Was it so difficult to say he was sorry for misunderstanding? 

Ignoring it didn’t make it go away.

Vanessa gave up trying to talk to him and picked at the fishy herring. She ended up finishing the meal without filling her stomach.

“Did the food suit your taste? And about the rooms, how should we arrange them? We were fully booked, but when those guys left, two rooms became available. We almost had to put you fine folks in the barn, but it’s a relief. One room should be enough, right?”

The young attendant chatted away as he cleared the empty dishes. Vanessa hesitated to answer.

“No, give us separate rooms.”

Julian answered preemptively while Vanessa hesitated. If he shared a room with her, he might not be able to control his desires, and last night’s incident could repeat. It was better to lock himself away to avoid hurting her.

Unaware of this, Vanessa thought he was pushing her away.

Feeling dejected, Vanessa followed the attendant to her room. The room was in disarray, as if hastily cleaned. After their argument, her mental fatigue compounded her physical exhaustion. She longed to rest without thinking about anything.

She sat on the bed, which was oddly damp, having been stuffed with straw long ago. Though she felt uneasy, thinking bedbugs might crawl out from somewhere, she had no choice. She would have to endure it for just one night.

Knock, knock, knock.

The door opened as soon as the knocking sounded. Julian entered, carrying a fur rug and clean linen sheets. Surprised by his unexpected visit, Vanessa hesitated as she stood up.

“If you sleep on this, the bedbugs won’t bite.”

Julian said as he arranged the bedding himself. It seemed bedbugs couldn’t penetrate the fur. However, Vanessa knew they only had one fur rug.

“What about you?”

“I don’t mind getting bitten.”

He spoke as if it were nothing, but it weighed on her mind. Though they had argued earlier, his consideration softened her mood a little.

His eyes fluttered slightly, then shone clearly as if he had made a decision.

“And… I was harsh earlier. Hearing you praise Earl Hendrick made me angry, and I acted out. I’m sorry.”

His straightforward admission of fault was unfamiliar. To react so sensitively to a simple compliment—Julian seemed more jealous than he appeared. Knowing his true feelings made it seem silly to stay angry.

“It’s alright. I’m sorry for doubting you too.”

Accepting his apology, Julian’s face visibly brightened.

Earl Hendrick had already forgiven and accepted Julian, yet Julian seemed to still resent his half-brother who had expelled him. Outwardly, he appeared to have pledged loyalty, but it was merely submission to the Earl’s authority.

Julian would have to live the rest of his life as Earl Hendrick’s knight, and such a rebellious mindset wouldn’t be helpful. Vanessa clasped her hands together and appealed to Julian.

“I know you don’t get along with Earl Hendrick, but can’t you forgive him now?”

“Forgive him?”

“Yes, Earl Hendrick told me everything about what you went through in the past. It’s not your fault that your father died. Earl Hendrick also regrets his decision….”

Vanessa’s voice echoed dully in his ears. Her gentle consolation didn’t reach Julian. He felt miserably exposed, as if everything about him had been laid bare.

For Julian, the events of that day were a taboo subject. No matter who it was, including Vanessa, no one had the right to lecture him about it. This was clearly crossing a line.

“If you were curious about me, you should have asked me directly. Did you have to dig into my past with Hendrick?”

Julian’s voice was so cold it was hard to believe it came from him. Startled, Vanessa took a step back. His face was expressionless, but his eyes blazed intensely. Her heart sank.

“If you hadn’t left the castle….”

Vanessa’s words were not yet finished when Julian, as if he no longer wanted to engage in conversation, coldly turned his back. Then he slammed the door and left. Just a moment ago, they had reconciled, and the atmosphere wasn’t bad, but suddenly a storm had struck.

“Even if I wanted to ask, you weren’t by my side….”

An empty voice echoed in the empty room. The unreturned answer was frustrating.

She couldn’t understand why Julian was so angry. If he was considering her as a marriage partner, she thought he could accept this level of advice. 

Was our relationship only this much?

Left alone, Vanessa swallowed her tears and threw herself onto the bed. The bedding, which was neatly organized, smelled of sunshine, and the feather-filled pillow was soft. However, the person Vanessa needed most was not by her side. That made it unbearably lonely.