10.

After some time, Dade stood in front of a fairly large mansion.

Count Cain Payon. It was in front of his mansion. Actually, this was the second time he had come here since Rachel left. The first time, he had certainly intended to pressure Cain and immediately bring her back. Cain would surely know where Ilena was. He had even felt somewhat excited at the thought that they could finally be completely together. But what Cain said to Dade then had stopped him from taking even one step further.

‘Did Your Majesty think Ilena looked happy by your side?’

A voice that seemed reproachful. Unable to speak due to the unexpected question, he couldn’t give any answer. Frustratingly, no, quite shamefully.

‘Do you know what kind of child Ilena was before going to the palace, Your Majesty? She was a lovely and honest child who laughed well and cried well. She was a radiant child just to look at, with many things she wanted to do and become. There was a time when she was determined to learn swordsmanship and become a female knight, and a time when she practiced singing until her voice was hoarse because she wanted to be a singer.’

Cain, who seemed lost in memories, was already wearing a faint smile.

‘And her stubbornness was so strong that once she started being stubborn, even the stern Duke Roben had to give in. That was the Ilena I remember and loved. At least, if she had remained by my side, she would still be like that. What kind of person is the Ilena that Your Majesty remembers?’

‘Now, she’s finally starting to find her place after leaving Your Majesty’s side. So please, don’t shake Ilena again.’

The moment he heard about Ilena before she knew him, Dade felt his mind go blank. Afterwards, he just drank the innocent tea and left. He couldn’t bring himself to ask more. All this time, to Dade, Ilena had been a dull person who just silently endured no matter how difficult or painful things were, and a heartbreaking person who smiled desolately with a face that looked like she might cry.

To think that she had originally been someone incredibly fresh, like a blooming flower bud. His nose stung, and he felt like he might keep coughing. The woman he thought was insensitive to pain had simply learned how to endure through repeated wounds over a long time.

Like a person covered with scars if you peeled back just one layer. Just thinking about it made his heart ache. So he had thought about letting her go. For her sake, who had finally found her place, he was willing to painfully step back. He didn’t want to make Ilena cry anymore.

And he had planned to shed tears for her share, remaining alone. Even if he did so, it would be woefully inadequate compared to the tears she had shed so far.

The first day was bearable enough. He swallowed his longing with alcohol as a side dish. Pretending not to notice his heart that was gradually starting to smoke, thinking that time would be a cure.

On the second day, he soothed his heart by drinking the herbal tea she had once told him to drink whenever he thought of her. Somehow, it tasted much more bitter than before. Though his heart seemed to be on fire, burning away, he gritted his teeth and endured.

What about the third day? The fourth day? The many days after that, what kind of appearance did he have? When was his last meal? When did he last sleep? Actually, he couldn’t remember well. When he came to his senses, his heart had completely burned away, leaving only gray ashes, which soon scattered without a trace in the slightest breeze.

All that remained in his empty heart was regret. Why hadn’t he known until now that love isn’t about possessing the other person, but about letting the other person possess you? Love, which he never understood while she was by his side, came clearly to him now when he couldn’t convey it. After desperately realizing that kind of love, which he wouldn’t have begrudged giving completely, the solution actually became simple.

Dade opened the mansion’s gate with a faint smile.

* * *

Cain, who noticed that Dade had become gaunt in just a few days, seemed surprised for a moment, but soon guided him to the reception room. The two men, sitting face to face in the reception room, remained in silence for a long time. Cain was about to order tea from a maid but changed his mind and brought in a simple drink tray.

Indeed, tea was never as fitting as alcohol for their relationship. They had already exposed the bottoms of their emotions to each other long ago, so it was too late to sip tea with formality. Cain stared at Dade with languid eyes and poured a drink into his glass.

Dade, who had been blankly staring at the deep amber-colored whiskey, finally spoke.

“You don’t ask for a reason this time either.”

“Your Majesty always comes to me for the same reason.”

“……”

“Are you looking for Ilena?”

“Yes.”

“Go back. Even if you put a knife to my throat, I will never tell you where Ilena is.”

Though he felt endlessly sorry for Nian and her child, Cain ultimately chose that side. He knew she loved that cold man, but it was an impossible situation.

This selfish man had terribly made her love him without even being able to fully embrace her. She had escaped from him with all her might.

Having passed through a thorny path, she had finally reached a place far away where his hand couldn’t reach, and even knowing about the child’s existence, she never returned to him.

Even when he told her to return to the palace, she kept shaking her head. She already knew the news about Rachel. That’s why he couldn’t let him be by Ilena’s side even more. Everywhere he loved became ruins. He couldn’t let her cry alone in those ruins again.

At Cain’s words, Dade smiled bitterly. After downing the whiskey, he answered in a calm tone.

“I won’t ask why. I would have done the same.”

“……”

“I’m certainly pathetic to be by Ilena’s side.”

“Your Majesty.”

Though Cain looked at him with surprised eyes at the unexpected answer, Dade continued without wavering.

“So I certainly tried to let her go. I was also convinced by your words last time, and above all, Ilena is happier without me.”

“……”

“However, you would know as well as I do. That love isn’t something you can suppress just by trying.”

At his voice, which somehow seemed desperate, Cain answered with a sigh.

“I also don’t think Your Majesty doesn’t love Ilena. It’s just……”

“……”

“It’s a matter of method.”

Dade closed his eyes tightly. Somehow, it felt like his heart was dropping with a thud. From Cain’s words, he seemed to newly understand how his love had been clumsy.

He thought that firmly grasping in his hand and keeping by his side was love. Consumed by greedy possessiveness, he hadn’t even realized she was slowly dying, stubbornly insisting that was his “method” of love.

Dade put down the glass he was holding.

“Once, it was as you said. I wanted her to be completely mine, even if she withered away. With such a crippled heart, I kept her, so I fully understand why this outcome has come. No, it was a luxury to even hope for her happiness.”

“……”

Dade smiled faintly and took out a dagger he had prepared from his chest, handing it to Cain.

“Though I’m quite reluctant to show you my sincere feelings that I haven’t even shown to Ilena yet.”

“?”

When the surprised Cain just stared blankly without taking the dagger, Dade reached out and placed it in his hand.

“I’ve decided not to live without Ilena now.”

“Ha.”

“So choose. It’s childish, but this is my decision. If you intend to leave me in a life without Ilena, you may cut me with that dagger.”

Cain looked at Dade with a troubled face. Dade closed his eyes with a face that showed not a hint of wavering. The sharply honed blade gleamed at Cain’s fingertips. Dade wrapped his hand around Cain’s and pulled it toward his heart.

‘If I can’t see her, I’d rather die.’

Because living without Ilena seemed like it would be less painful this way, Dade smiled faintly even as the tip of the dagger began to dig into his clothes.

* * *

「Who are you?」

Teril spoke to the man who was peering around. She had become curious upon seeing an unfamiliar man at the house where women who had suddenly appeared had settled.

It was Dade. He had finally arrived at the place where Nian was. The stubborn Cain finally spoke when the dagger dug into Dade’s chest and his white shirt began to be stained with blood. It was an awkward moment as there was no one at the house he had come to find with his life at stake.