Chapter 13: The Martyrdom of the Priest(2)

“Sister, you must not go!”

I brushed off Father Daniel’s hand and dashed out of the monastery. The tears that had filled my eyes scattered into the dawn air.

“Father Edwin!”

I called out his name while wandering around the monastery. There was no response. Had it already become too late?

“Oh… Edwin.”

My legs gave way, and I sank down onto the dusty ground. My neatly laundered blue habit was now stained with dirt. I had to chase after him, I had to save him…

Sitting like a child, I looked up at the sky. The darkness was being lifted, and the brilliant sunlight was beginning to fill the space.

‘Tomorrow morning, I hope you will read this after dawn.’

Suddenly, the letter he had given me came to mind. I took out the letter that I had been holding so dearly. I looked down at the letter, perfectly folded without any creases.

Had he written a farewell? I lacked the courage to read it. With trembling fingers, I unfolded the letter.

‘Alicia, by the time you read this letter, I will have already left the monastery. I hope you do not think that my martyrdom is your fault.‘

His handwriting, so neat and resembling its owner, seemed to bring Edwin’s voice to life as I took in each word of the letter.

‘When I was reflecting on my short life as a priest, I often recalled our conversations before the bridge of salvation collapsed. Did we ever wonder what might have happened if we were not priests? Yes, if there is a next life, I will gladly find you. Even if you are but a wildflower, I will certainly find you.’

Tears spread across the letter.

‘Do you remember when I said I would share the sins you would commit? Perhaps from that moment on, I lost my right to be a priest. Perhaps I am already on my way to atone for my sins.’

An irresponsible person. To have said he would share my sins, yet to leave on his own…

‘Though it is only right that I fall into the fires of hell for breaking my vows as a priest and touching forbidden fruit, it seems that I am granted a righteous death as a clergyman. This might also be the last chance given by God. So I no longer have regrets.’

‘I only wish we could have talked a bit more. It is such a regret.’

I hugged the letter stained with tears. I could faintly sense his presence from the paper.

It felt as though my heart had been sliced out with a sharp blade. Even when I was branded with the heated seal, it did not hurt this much.

“…Alicia?”

For a moment, I doubted my ears. I looked up at the softly spoken name. The person I had longed to see was finally within my sight.

“Father Edwin?”

He, carrying a large canteen on his back, was looking down at me.

“Why are you here…?”

Before he could finish his sentence, I buried myself in his embrace. His hands, initially hovering in surprise, slowly came down to rest on my shoulders.

“I thought you were gone. I thought you had left forever.”

I rubbed my face against his solid chest like a child throwing a tantrum. The tears streaming down soaked his garment. Gradually, his hands, previously floating in mid-air, rested on my shoulders.

“I’m on my way to fetch the holy water from the palace. Why are you here?”

It seemed he had brought the holy water I had soaked my hands and feet in. Father Edwin looked down at me with a worried expression.

“I know how to stop the spread of the plague. Please let me come with you.”

“…No.”

“If you insist on going alone, I will not let you go.”

I held onto him tightly to prevent him from escaping, and a long sigh settled on his forehead.

“I won’t die as easily as you think. There must be a reason why God brought me back to life. So, please, let me come with you.”

“Really…”

He shook his head in resignation.

“…I might collapse on the way if the burden of words becomes too heavy.”

A warm sensation filled my aching heart.

Oh, Lord, since being resurrected from the flames of the pyre, I have been wondering why you did not take my breath away and gave me one more chance. Why you have been watching me destroy the order you designed with my own hands…

Ah, I understand now. You are trying to correct the mistake through my hands. Almighty God, I willingly extend my hand, so please grant the power to save my loved ones to my hands.

* * *

I opened my eyelids at the vibration rising along my waist. As soon as I opened my eyes, what greeted me was the back of Father Edwin in his pure white robe.

Noticing that I had woken up, he began to speak.

“I’m sorry. I must have dozed off.”

“…We’re still quite far from our destination, so you can sleep a little longer.”

Thinking about having fallen asleep while holding onto his waist made my face turn red. I was grateful he was looking ahead and couldn’t see my face.

Amidst the sound of hooves resonating over the quiet silence, the last line of the letter he had given me suddenly came to mind.

“Father, what did you want to talk about with me?”

I tightened my grip on his waist.

“What do you mean?”

“You wrote in the letter that you wanted to talk more, but you were disappointed that you couldn’t…”

His sturdy shoulders twitched.

“…Did you read the letter?”

“Yes. I read it and cried so much.”

“…Even after reading that letter, you still want to follow me?”

I rested my cheek against his back. The tingling pain spreading deep in my chest felt oddly unfamiliar.

“Yes…”

After my answer, he maintained silence for a while. As I rested my cheek against his firm back again, his lips slowly lifted into a smile.

“If I were to die, this moment would be my last memory.”

He continued in a detached voice. I hated the word “if.” The realities of events that unfold under such hypothetical conditions always end in cruel conclusions.

“It’s not bad. No… I actually like it very much.”

I grew resentful of him, who had completed his mental preparations alone. Why must you resign yourself to an unreasonable death?

“…I won’t let you die alone.”

My eyes reddened with a touch of sorrow.

“Father, let’s… talk about the things we haven’t shared.”

I resolved to fulfill the wish he had written at the end of the letter. In the warmth of our shared presence, we talked endlessly.

Truthfully, I didn’t want to get to know you through such pointless conversations. I wanted to understand you gradually, spending more time together.

The sky was gradually turning a ripe orange. However, we still had a long way to go to reach the outskirts of the Empire.

“We’ll need to stay at an inn nearby for the night.”

The weight of carrying both their burdens alone was clearly showing its toll.

They stopped in front of an inn that looked relatively intact after scouting nearby villages.

“…There’s only one room left?”

A hollow laugh escaped, as if from a scene in a third-rate romance novel.

“We should check other inns.”

When I pulled on the end of Edwin’s sleeve, he spoke with a serious expression.

“You should stay here.”

“…Where will you be going?”

“I can look around a bit more, so you should stay here.”

The nearby inns were extremely shabby. The thought of sleeping apart from him felt ominously unsettling.

Edwin, you would be the kind of man to leap into danger alone under the pretense of protecting me.

“I’ll sleep on the floor, so you use the bed.”

His golden eyes turned to confusion at the suggestion to spend the night together.

“…As we get closer to the outskirts of the Empire, safety decreases. You’re not suggesting that I stay alone, are you?”

Seeing him reluctantly give in and pay for the room, I couldn’t let him leave alone. The inn, though the cleanest among the shabby ones, was still far from ideal.

Climbing the creaky wooden stairs, we arrived at the room. It looked far too cramped for both of us to spend the night comfortably.

“I’ll sleep on the floor, so you take the bed.”

The wooden floor, lacking even a simple carpet, was dusty and appeared to have been inadequately cleaned. The bedding, with its musty smell, was only slightly better than the floor. Edwin laid down a thin blanket on the dust-covered floor, and seeing his pristine white garment get soiled was not pleasant, though it was somehow gratifying.

“We should get some rest since we’ll need to leave early at sunrise.”

He lay down, his hands neatly clasped, and closed his eyes like a corpse.

“…Are you already asleep, Father Edwin?”

There was no response. Seeing him remain motionless like a dead man, I carefully settled beside him. Slowly, his dense eyelashes lifted.

“…What are you doing here?”

“Since you’re sleeping on the floor, how could I sleep soundly in the bed?”

He was lying close enough that our breaths could mingle. With a short sigh, he sat up. He lifted me from the blanket and gently laid me down on the bed as if handling a newborn.

“Don’t worry about me, just rest well.”

He looked down at me lying on the bed and gently stroked my hair. A faint smile spread across his usually stern face.

“Father Edwin……”

I urgently grasped the edge of his garment. He averted his gaze slightly and continued speaking.

“It’s quite late.”

We were close enough that I could easily reach out and touch him. It felt as if, if he moved away now, he would be out of my reach forever.

“…Until I fall asleep, could you stay beside me?”

The palm of my hand clutching his white garment trembled slightly. Whether he sensed the slight vibration or not, he silently sat down on the edge of the bed.

“If it’s alright with you, could you lend me your arm?”

My throat felt tight for some reason. As I struggled to voice my feelings with a voice tinged with tears, he let out a small sigh and lay down on the bed.

Hanging precariously at the edge of the bed, he quietly extended his left arm. Afraid that his feelings might change, I held his arm tightly and pressed my cheek against it.

“This is the first time.”

“…What?”

“It’s the first time I’ve given someone my embrace, or lain down together on the same bed. Everything is new with you.”

It was an awkward confession, like that of a teenage boy. His cheek was flushed bright red, and his finely woven eyelashes trembled as if in fear.

“I’m sorry, but this isn’t the first time for me.”

“Ah……”

“Are you disappointed that this isn’t my first time?”

His hesitant reaction was so endearing that I decided to tease him a little. After some hesitation, he finally spoke with difficulty.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“That’s a relief. Not now, but when I was young, I often used to be held in a nurse’s arms.”

He let out a sigh, a beat too late. It seemed he realized only then that I had been joking.

“I’ll go down to the floor now.”