Chapter 11 Part 7

How could I not feel guilty?

I endured those days by clinging to the meager guilt of having twisted his fate and the pretense of acting for his benefit. Yet, in front of him—with his precarious, pained expressions—I couldn’t help but waver. Just as he viewed me as his salvation, I too viewed him as mine.

Since falling into this world, where I had been nothing more than a puppet to ‘Rose Knight’s’ memories, he was the first person I had ever truly chosen. The guilt that grew within me as I watched him change because of me had, on its reverse side, an undeniable affection—a love that validated my existence here.

Because of that, I couldn’t bring myself to make any careless decisions. I couldn’t ignore him entirely to ease my guilt, nor could I demand he give up everything for the buried affection I still held for him.

No, in truth, it was because I didn’t want him to hate me. I held onto the hope that, someday, when I finally revealed everything to him, he wouldn’t abandon me.

I understood that his blind devotion to me and the brilliance of his potential future were things I was selfishly clinging to. I knew how vile it was, but I couldn’t let go.

Because I had already realized the depth of his love—a love that radiated from his unwavering gaze, as though I was the only one in his world.

‘Because I chose you, I hope you’ll choose me, too.’ That’s what my selfish heart whispered, fully aware of its cruelty.

I was on my way to have a dress fitted, heading to the boutique I always visited. However, the carriage had to come to an unexpected stop in the middle of the city. A collision involving several carriages had blocked part of the road ahead.

Garnet, flustered, stepped out of the carriage to speak with the coachman. Left alone, I pressed a hand to my forehead and let out a languid sigh. The fatigue was dulling my senses as though my brain had been numbed.

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sitting there waiting for Garnet, but soon enough, I heard a steady knock on the carriage door. Assuming it was Garnet, I allowed entry without much thought. However, the person who opened the door was neither Garnet nor the coachman.

It was Ten, cloaked head-to-toe in a robe. Without hesitation, he stepped into the carriage and seated himself across from me. His overwhelming presence instantly made me tense, far more than Garnet’s ever could.

“Lady Knight,” he greeted.

“Your Highness,” I replied.

Our titles clashed awkwardly between us. His piercing gaze bore into me, unrelenting and intense, as if he were trying to burn a hole through me. I turned away, unable to withstand the sheer weight of his stare, but I could still feel it fixed on me—full of unspoken reproach, demanding an answer I didn’t have.

“I missed you,” he said, his voice raw and frayed at the edges.

Though his expression remained composed, I noticed the tremor in his hands, a detail he couldn’t hide. His vulnerable state stirred up the very doubts that had plagued me all morning. My heart waged a brutal war between wanting to shut him out and being unable to look away from him.

 “I felt like I was losing my mind because I missed you. It’s only been a few days—nothing compared to the last two years—but still, I missed you.”

He spoke in a raw, ragged voice, as though expelling something deeply buried. His words carried an almost unbearable weight of anguish, and yet I could only sit frozen, stunned by the unfamiliar side of him. The cracked tone, furrowed brows, and blazing eyes painted a completely different picture from the composed man I had always known.

“I pretended to care for you selflessly, to understand everything about you. But it was all a lie,” he confessed, his words trembling with suppressed emotion.

“Deep down, I wished you wouldn’t meet anyone else. I wanted to lock you away, tie you to me, and hide you where only I could see you.”

His voice wavered, and for a moment, I thought he might cry. But no. Though his emotions spilled over, making his voice shake, his gaze remained unflinching—blazing and unyielding, as though it could burn through everything.

“I don’t need the throne,” he continued. “Even my ambition for it—it was always for you. The crown was just a means to secure a place by your side. But if it means I can’t see you, I’d rather give it all up.”

His hand pressed against the wall beside me, and he leaned in, closing the space between us until his breaths intertwined with mine. His forehead gently rested against mine, and his eyes, heavy with longing, softened as they narrowed.

The distance between us melted into something achingly intimate, leaving me unable to breathe as the weight of his words and the intensity of his gaze bore down on me.

“Even if I return to being your Clover, that’s fine. Even if I go mad with jealousy, I’ll still be by your side. How could I refuse that place?”

“Ten, stop.”

“No, my lady. I still have so much I want to say. I still haven’t told you the most important thing.”

His head tilted a little closer, and our foreheads, which had been touching, shifted slightly. The sensation of his soft golden hair brushing against my face was vivid. Every time he spoke, his lips grazed mine—an ambiguous touch that left a tickling sensation and vanished repeatedly.

“I love you, my lady. From the moment you became my salvation, I’ve loved you.”

His lips, which had been lightly brushing against mine, finally parted, and he spoke with a resonance that was closer to raw need than sweetness. Even though I already knew, my heart still ached as if it had been pierced. Thump-thump—the pounding of my heart echoed in my ears, snapping me out of my thoughts. The realization of my erratic heartbeat brought my reasoning back into sharp focus.

I knew exactly what I had to do. As I always had, I needed to be firm with him. I had learned all too well what happens when I leave room for ambiguity.

I placed my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away. He withdrew easily, without resistance. His flame-like eyes, filled with longing, scanned my face with acute sensitivity. Even at that moment, he did not cry.

I wondered if the Ten I imagined and the Ten in reality were different. No, they certainly must be. The Ten I know is either the Ten from two years ago or the Ten I observed through the book. To think that I understood him completely would be nothing short of arrogance.

He accepted my rejection. He simply collected the heart he had just laid bare before me. It must have been excruciating, but he didn’t let out a single groan as he reassembled himself.

And at that moment, I realized something. His eyes didn’t bother to hide the ownership, possessiveness, obstinacy, and obsession within. He was warning me. As if to say he would keep his promise—no matter what it took—to make me his. I whispered to him one last time.

“Go back, Ten.”

“……”

“Remember what I said. You must claim the throne.”

Because that will grant your deepest wish.

I deliberately left out the final words. If the day ever comes when he truly understands what I meant, then I will become one of his choices. …Whether I will be his only choice or not will depend on the future me.

***

Arriving at the palace 30 minutes before the appointed time, I was met by maids who apologized, explaining that preparations were still incomplete. Since I had rushed out to avoid being nagged by Garnet, I felt guilty instead and waved them off as I was led to the reception room.

While enjoying a light cup of tea, foregoing finger foods to embrace a moment of calm, the door opened, and Daisy Queenie entered. With ten minutes left before the meeting time, our eyes met.

Daisy Queenie, who assessed me seated first, wore her usual pretentious smile, likely due to the presence of the maids, and took the seat opposite me. Knowing each other’s true nature, her facade made my skin crawl, but this was the royal palace—a place where any rumor could spread to everyone within an hour. I mirrored her insincere smile, pretending to welcome her warmly.

“How have you been, Lady Knight? Even after just a few days, your skin seems to glow brighter.”

“It’s been a while, Lady Queenie. I’ve been curious about your well-being. I was worried you might not have been feeling well on the day of the selection.”

Our polite exchange of words was tinged with sharp insinuations that neither of us missed. Unlike me, who cares little for appearances, the fact that I received an invitation to the Empress’s tea party must have been a shock to her, who had been thrilled by the event. This round, at least, was my victory.

“…Thanks to your concern, Lady Knight, I’ve been just fine.”

“Then I’m relieved. From afar, you looked quite pale…”

Daisy Queenie lifted her teacup with an air of elegance, taking a sip before curling her lips into a composed smile. Though her expression had momentarily faltered, she quickly masked it, leaving me disappointed. I wanted to click my tongue in frustration, but the maids’ watchful gazes kept me in check.

“Ladies, the Empress is ready to receive you. Please allow me to escort you to the glass conservatory.”

The maid’s timely arrival interrupted our conversation, and Daisy Queenie and I walked silently toward the conservatory. Located in the center of the Empress’s garden, it was a place one could only visit with an invitation. Were it not for this selection event, I would have never set foot here in my lifetime—there was no reason for someone like me, who had distanced herself from the social world, to ever cross paths with Her Majesty.

As I followed the maid, my gaze roamed over the beautifully maintained garden with admiration, but Daisy Queenie paid it no mind, her focus fixed firmly ahead. When our eyes met by chance, her look carried a subtle disdain, as if mocking me for being impressed by something so mundane.

Her blatant condescension was impossible to miss, yet I responded only with a soft smile, choosing to ignore her provocation. I had a feeling I’d regret it if I didn’t fully take in this breathtaking scenery.

“I greet Her Majesty the Empress. I am Daisy Queenie of the House of Queenie.”

“I greet Her Majesty the Empress. I am Rose Knight of the House of Knight.”

“Despite the sudden invitation, thank you for making time to attend, ladies.”

As we stepped into the conservatory, the sight of the carefully arranged tea table, exquisitely decorated dessert trays, and the lush display of plants instantly caught my attention. Her Majesty the Empress greeted us warmly with a gentle smile, and I felt the tension I hadn’t realized I was carrying drain from my shoulders.

“Oh my, is that so? Such events in the social circle—thank you for sharing such an amusing story, Lady Queenie.”

“You’re too kind, Your Majesty. I’m relieved that my humble words could entertain you.”

While I refrained from joining the conversation, Daisy Queenie  dominated the dialogue with her feigned charm and vibrant demeanor, monopolizing the Empress’s attention. Had it been an inexperienced young lady in my place, she might have felt entirely excluded, shrinking under the carefully constructed social atmosphere. But I had long since grown accustomed to such tactics, so I remained unbothered.

Besides, there was another reason for my composure. No matter how skillfully Daisy Queenie captivated Her Majesty’s attention, I knew it wouldn’t last. Even if Daisy Queenie was considered a favored candidate, the Empress wouldn’t risk revealing any partiality in a gathering like this. To do so publicly would invite gossip and speculation, something no royal host could afford.

As expected, Her Majesty gracefully shifted her attention from Daisy Queenie to me. Although Daisy likely anticipated this, given her experience in the social scene, it didn’t stop her from faltering slightly. The flawless smile she had been wearing cracked, betraying her annoyance.