7. Autumn, Winter, and Spring (Part 1)

Ethan’s luggage was as sparse as it had been when he first arrived. He stood before Cecilia, dressed in the same uniform he had worn on his first day, his hair neatly combed back. Even his upright posture mirrored their very first meeting. The only thing that had changed was their feelings for each other.

Cecilia couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes. Instead, she stared blankly at the buttons of his uniform. If she raised her gaze even slightly, she would see his face, and then she would break down and cry uncontrollably.

Lowering her gaze further wasn’t an option either. The tears already welling up in her eyes would inevitably spill over.

It was Ethan who spoke first.

“Then, I’ll be going.”

“…Yes, alright.”

“Thank you, truly, for everything during my stay.”

He lightly held Cecilia’s hand and kissed the back of it. The awkwardness of clasping her hand like a handshake, unfamiliar with formal etiquette, had disappeared along with the summer.

“Please take care.”

“Goodbye.”

Ethan climbed into the carriage without looking back even once. Only after the carriage door closed did Cecilia finally lift her head. The coachman pulled the reins, and the wheels of the carriage began to move slowly. Cecilia stood rooted to the spot, her eyes following the carriage as it departed.

As the carriage passed through the gates of the Godwin Estate, a single tear fell from Cecilia’s eyes. Overcome with a sense of emptiness, she collapsed to the ground as if her strength had left her. Clasping her hands together as if in prayer, she murmured to herself.

Oh, please, let that carriage stop. Let him get out and come running back. Let him hold me so tightly I can’t breathe. Let time rewind and take us back to the day we first met. Let autumn, winter, and spring disappear forever…

If only that could happen.

***

Ethan was gone, but the world continued to turn. The Godwin Estate was as peaceful as ever. It almost seemed as if everything had returned to the way it was before Ethan arrived.

‘Forget him. That’s the best thing to do.’

Cecilia tried to cut the summer out of herself as though with a knife. Ethan had said he would live cherishing the gift of longing, but she wasn’t strong enough to do the same. For her, the best strategy was simply to avoid recalling memories of him as much as possible.

The weather had grown much cooler, so Cecilia began wearing long-sleeved dresses. Before going to bed, she made sure to shut the windows tightly. Sometimes, even with a blanket, she shivered from the cold. It was undeniable proof that summer was completely gone.

The nights she spent alone in her now-chilled bed felt endlessly long. The sweltering nights when every pore on her body seemed to open felt like a distant dream. She started drinking her sleep tea again, something she had given up for a while. It was as though she had returned to the life she had lived before meeting Ethan.

When she had been with Ethan, she couldn’t focus on anything. Now, however, she found herself frighteningly productive. Immersing herself in work was the only way to keep other thoughts at bay. After tackling the mountain of documents that piled up to shoulder height, she would collapse into bed, utterly exhausted. It was the welcome byproduct of hard work.

‘They say time heals all wounds. If I keep myself this busy, I’ll gradually be okay.’

In her own way, Cecilia was navigating this emotional crisis. But crises often came from the most unexpected places.

When she saw Violet swinging in the garden. When she ran into a maid polishing the wooden figurine Ethan had made. When wine, the same kind she had shared with him, was served at the dining table… It was always the small, trivial things that triggered her longing.

Every time she entered her empty room, Cecilia felt a strange sense of unfamiliarity in the silence. There was no one to ask her what she had done that day, how many cups of tea she had drunk, or how she was feeling. She realized anew how quiet her life had been before.

Sometimes, she thought of him while soaking in the bathtub. Memories of the two of them chatting away until the water turned cold would bubble up. Back then, the time had felt so short. But now, sitting alone, it felt like an eternity until the water cooled completely. Staring at her wrinkled fingertips, Cecilia wished time would pass quickly so she could grow old and wither away.

Once her emotions broke through the dam, the entire day would be consumed by thoughts of Ethan. Everywhere she turned, she saw his face. She heard her own voice laughing as she embraced him and kissed him, like an echo in her mind.

On such days, she inevitably broke down and cried through the night. But that was all. Cecilia was someone who had grown used to enduring. By morning, she would return to her usual self, wearing a mask of indifference. Sometimes, her performance was so convincing that even she believed it.

‘These are bearable days.’

She repeated this to herself.

One early evening, Cecilia opened a drawer and took out some stationery. It had been nearly a month since she received Matthias’s proposal. If the butler hadn’t reminded her to write a reply, she might have forgotten about it altogether.

‘Matthias must be showing unusual patience.’

For someone with such a quick temper, it was surprising that he hadn’t sent any follow-ups. Cecilia smirked slightly and picked up her pen. Determination filled her eyes—she would make a decision tonight, even if it meant staying up all night. After all, no amount of deliberation would change the outcome.

It was then that the door to her study burst open without a knock, and Merilyn strode in, dressed in her indoor clothes. Cecilia’s eyes narrowed.

“Mer?”

“We need to talk, Cecil.”

Standing in front of the desk, Merilyn placed both hands on it with a loud thud. Her face was flushed, as if she were upset.

“I heard from the butler. You’re going to marry Matthias, aren’t you?”

Cecilia frowned slightly and replied, 

“What are you talking about? I’m just replying to his proposal. I should’ve done it sooner, but I forgot until now.”

“So, you’re not going to marry him?”

Cecilia shrugged. 

“Who knows?”

“‘Who knows’?”

“I haven’t completely decided yet. I was planning to think it over tonight. It’s an important matter, after all.”

At Cecilia’s words, Merilyn’s face crumpled. Slamming her palm on the desk, Merilyn shouted, 

“What’s there to think about, you fool!”

Tears welled up in Merilyn’s large eyes. Cecilia was bewildered, unable to understand why Merilyn was suddenly so agitated. While it was true that Merilyn didn’t particularly like Matthias, she had never outright opposed him, which made her reaction all the more puzzling.

“Why all of a sudden…”

“You want Ethan, don’t you?”

Cecilia froze at Merilyn’s words. She needed to deny it, but she was too shocked to say anything. Seeing Cecilia’s reaction, Merilyn let out a small scoff.

“Don’t even think about denying it. I’ve known for a long time.”

“…Since when?”

Merilyn replied in a softened voice.  

“The day the ball was held, I came to your room as soon as I got home. I was worried because you said you weren’t feeling well.”  

“……”  

“But then I saw a hair ornament lying on the floor outside your door. I thought it was unlike you, so I picked it up, and then I heard sounds from inside.”  

Cecilia’s face turned bright red. She knew exactly what sounds Merilyn must have heard that day. Instinctively, she covered her mouth with her hand.  

In contrast, Merilyn’s expression remained calm.  

“I already knew the two of you had feelings for each other. I don’t think there’s anyone in the Godwin Estate who didn’t know.”  

“How?”  

Merilyn frowned, as if she had just heard the most foolish question.  

“How could anyone not know? You couldn’t take your eyes off each other.”  

Cecilia whispered softly, pressing her flushed cheeks with the back of her hand.  

“I see. I didn’t realize you knew.”  

Still unable to fully collect herself, Cecilia belatedly offered Merilyn a seat. Merilyn plopped down on the sofa and continued speaking without hesitation.  

“I pretended not to notice because it seemed like you didn’t want to make it obvious… but now I can’t stand it anymore. Sister, you’re not okay right now.”  

Cecilia shook her head.  

“I’ve just gone back to how things were before Ethan came.”  

“Exactly. That’s what’s not okay.”  

There was a certainty in Merilyn’s voice. The two locked eyes in silence for a long time.  

“The old me wouldn’t have noticed. I always thought you were fine. I thought you didn’t smile much and were indifferent to everything because that’s just the kind of person you were.”  

Merilyn lowered her gaze, idly twisting the hem of her skirt between her fingers as she spoke.  

“But when you were with Ethan, you were different. I didn’t know you could smile so brightly. It struck me then—I think that was the first time I saw you genuinely happy.”  

“……”  

“I started wondering if maybe you hadn’t been happy all this time. Maybe the version of you I thought was normal wasn’t normal at all. When I thought about it, you weren’t so different from Violet when you were little.”  

Merilyn’s observations were sharp. She had pinpointed something that even Cecilia herself hadn’t realized for a long time. It was a strange feeling to have someone understand the innermost corners of her heart, especially someone she hadn’t expected.