7. Autumn, Winter, and Spring (Part 2)

Cecilia stared silently at Merilyn’s face. This was the first time they had such a serious conversation. To Cecilia, Merilyn had always been a younger sister to look after, but now she felt different.  

“When Ethan left, I realized it. You’ve been struggling all this time. You weren’t okay at all.”  

Merilyn grasped Cecilia’s hands tightly and asked,  

“Cecil, can you confidently say you won’t regret this?”  

Cecilia’s eyes wavered. Merilyn didn’t miss the opportunity to press further.  

“Can you say you’ll love Matthias? That you won’t think of Ethan while living with him?”  

Tears welled up in Cecilia’s eyes. Her tightly closed lips parted slightly.  

“No, I can’t.”  

A tear slid down Cecilia’s cheek, as if cutting across her skin.  

From the moment the wheels of Ethan’s carriage began to turn, she had regretted it.  

I should have hugged him one more time. I should have kissed him one more time. Even if I cried, I should have looked at his face one last time. Even if it made me seem pathetic, even if I couldn’t understand my own words, I should have told him everything I had prepared to say.  

When the chilling premonition that she shouldn’t let him go swept down her spine, the carriage was already a dot in the distance. All that remained were the dry dirt tracks left by the wheels and the aching pain in her chest. Regret always came a little too late.  

Merilyn asked Cecilia,  

“Sister… you love Ethan, don’t you?”  

Cecilia’s heart sank with a thud.  

“Love…?”  

She had been happy by Ethan’s side. He easily excited her, sometimes melting her into a puddle of emotion. He made her do things she never imagined she would and let go of things she had clung to out of habit. And Cecilia had embraced all those changes willingly.  

Could this really be called love?  

The love she had vaguely imagined felt far grander than this. She thought it would be as clear and distinct as black ink splashed onto white paper or the sound of footsteps echoing in an empty room. She thought it would be something that marked a clear “before” and “after.”  

But Ethan had seeped into her slowly. From a fling to a routine, from a physical connection to an emotional bond. She didn’t know when it had deepened, what about him had captivated her, or what exactly had changed between them. Everything was as ambiguous as the changing seasons.  

But if this wasn’t love, then what could possibly be called love? What word could define this ambiguity if not “love”?  

Cecilia slowly nodded.  

“You’re right. I love Ethan.”  

Merilyn’s face lit up at Cecilia’s honest confession.  

“See? I told you!”  

“But, Mer.”  

Cecilia adjusted her grip on Merilyn’s hand with her thin fingers. A wistful smile appeared on her lips.  

“As much as I love Ethan, I also love all of you. I have a responsibility to this family.”  

“……”  

“You know how conservative society is. Even if a man marries a commoner woman, people gossip about it for years.”  

Merilyn frowned and asked,  

“Since when did you care so much about what people say?”  

“I don’t care. But it’s different for all of you. My decision will affect you, too.”  

“You’re right, sister. That might be true

Merilyn nodded without resistance, but she hadn’t changed her mind. She met Cecilia’s eyes squarely and spoke with confidence.

“But if the person you love is a commoner, and he considers that an obstacle to loving you, then you don’t need him either.”

“……”  

“The same goes for Vivi. Do you really think a man who cares about something like that could ever be a truly good person?”

Cecilia was at a loss for words. She wanted to appear as calm and composed as possible, but her shoulders trembled, and her body seemed to collapse. Merilyn pulled Cecilia into a tight embrace and said,  

“It’s okay to be greedy. You don’t have to give up everything.”  

Was that what she had wanted to hear?  

At Merilyn’s words, tears streamed down Cecilia’s eyes. Her sobs grew louder until they turned into uncontrollable cries. It was as if all the emotions she had suppressed and bottled up were finally exploding.  

“In the past, you had to bear everything alone because we were too young, but now I’ve grown up. Vivi is maturing too. We can face this together.”  

Merilyn let out a sigh as she gently rubbed Cecilia’s trembling back.  

“I don’t want you to keep sacrificing your happiness. Just as you wish for our happiness, we also wish for yours. Do you understand?”  

When Merilyn asked repeatedly, Cecilia slowly nodded. Only then did a satisfied smile spread across Merilyn’s face. Merilyn stood up abruptly and extended her hand to Cecilia.  

“Are you just going to sit there crying? Get up. We’ve got a long way to go.”  

“But…”  

Cecilia had already let Ethan go. No, she had let him go with her own hands. She had all the time in the world to tell him she loved him, but it had taken her far too long to realize her feelings. He had spent the entire summer agonizing alone, and in the end, he had left, setting aside his feelings for her.  

‘Can I really go after him now?’  

Cecilia wasn’t sure. She had never been in love before, so she didn’t even know how long it would take to sort out her feelings. A month had already passed, and he must have returned to his old life by now.  

Was a month too short a time to let go of one’s feelings, or was it enough time for someone to fade from memory?  

Would he still miss the summer they spent in Belfort, or would he feel relieved to be back in a familiar place?  

Had he failed to find someone more beautiful than me, or had he finally realized that such thoughts were nothing but a naive illusion?  

If he had already let go of his feelings for me, if everything we had shared had scattered like a midsummer night’s dream, if he had come to understand that I wasn’t as extraordinary as he had thought—what would I do with these feelings then?  

At that moment, Merilyn grabbed Cecilia’s wrist firmly. Lifting her to her feet, Merilyn spoke with a determined expression.  

“If you’re worried about what to say to convince Ethan, just think about it on the way. You’ll have plenty of time while riding the carriage.”  

Merilyn gave Cecilia a strong push on the back. Stumbling forward, Cecilia stammered,  

“Right now? But I’m not ready…”  

“Hesitating will only make you lose your courage. Just change your clothes and leave immediately.”  

“But I need to pack my things.”  

“Violet’s already taken care of that. Before the butler could even finish speaking, she dashed to your room like a horse. By now, Stefan should have loaded everything onto the carriage.”  

Hearing that even the coachman was ready, Cecilia looked stunned.  

“I told you, there’s no one in the Godwin Estate who doesn’t know about your feelings for each other.”  

“……”  

“Everyone’s rooting for Ethan. The people who truly matter to you all support this love. So stop overthinking.”  

Merilyn’s pretty lips curved into a smooth arc.  

“Violet said she hopes her birthday present this year will be an incredibly handsome brother-in-law.”  

***

The place where Ethan was staying was a coastal city called Portum, which was about a week’s journey by carriage from the capital. For Cecilia, who had only ever traveled between the capital and her estate, it was her first time visiting a place so far away.  

“Wow…”  

Once they left the outskirts of the city, a vast plain stretched out beyond the carriage window. Cecilia couldn’t take her eyes off the unfamiliar scenery outside.  

The sight of poplar trees swaying in the wind, golden grass shimmering under the sunlight, and a field of white wildflowers blooming in abundance…  

“It’s so beautiful.”  

The world Ethan had spoken of was now vividly unfolding before Cecilia’s eyes. When she opened the small window wide, a cool breeze rushed in like a wave. Cecilia took a deep breath of the air, faintly tinged with the scent of grass. Her chest swelled with emotion.  

Throughout the journey, Cecilia thought of Ethan. No matter what she saw or thought about, it all led back to Ethan Hoffman.  

Did Ethan carefully observe this scenery too? Or did he simply pass it by as just another ordinary view? Did he know the names of those flowers? When he looked out the window, did he think of me even a little? Or did he look out the window to avoid thinking of me? Was the weather as clear and pleasant on his journey back as it is today?  

As the carriage drew closer to the city where Ethan was, Cecilia’s thoughts grew more tangled. During the day, an inexplicable hope would rise within her, but at night, her chest would tremble with anxiety.  

She carefully chose and re-chose the words she wanted to say to him.  

I think I love you too.  

No, I love you too.  

I don’t know when it started.  

Was it the day we climbed the hill together? Or perhaps it was the moment you first stepped down from the carriage.  

Her thoughts were a mess. If she was like this even without him present, how much more of a wreck would she be when standing before him?  

Based on her experience with farewells, no matter how much she prepared, her mind would likely go blank at the critical moment. But without any preparation, the thought of facing him would be even more terrifying.  

One day, two days, three days…  

Time passed quickly. Thanks to the consistently good weather and both Stefan and Cecilia being in good condition, they arrived in Portum in just six days.  

When Cecilia stood before the sparkling blue sea, she was at a loss for words. For a moment, she even forgot about Ethan. But then, Ethan’s words about the sea came to mind.  

“When I see a dazzling sea, I will think of your eyes. When I see a sunset, I will miss the hill we climbed together.”  

‘Did you think of me as you looked at the sea in Portum?’

As Ethan had said, the sea on a clear day reflected the same hue as Cecilia’s eyes. A soft smile passed across Cecilia’s lips. She had never felt particularly proud of her blue eyes, but today, she found herself quite fond of them.  

‘I hope so.’  

Cecilia turned her back on the sea and quickened her steps, hoping that the beautiful sea of Portum might delay Ethan from forgetting her, even just a little.