“How much is it?”

The owner counted about a dozen soju bottles at the counter, then divided them into bags.

“Having a party at home, I see.”

Soo-hyun smiled bitterly as he opened his wallet and pulled out a 50,000 won bill. The owner gave him his change. The money he had left would only be enough to stay in a cheap motel for about a week.

If he had known this would happen, he would have kept at least a little of the money. Now that he was short on cash, his pride was disappearing again. Money was truly fickle. He hadn’t cared when he never had money his whole life, but now that he’d held a large sum in his hands and lost it, he felt regret.

But no matter what, he didn’t want to work with that b＊stard anymore.

He had thought meeting Seo Min-jun was a coincidence. At their second meeting, he began to suspect it wasn’t, and after their conversation while drinking, he became convinced that Yang Ho-beom knew everything. That’s why he drugged him, but he never imagined Ho-beom would wake up so quickly.

After learning the truth, Soo-hyun had been sick in his quarters for two full days. The manager had even made a fuss, saying he should go to the hospital. After that, there was no word from Yang Ho-beom. So Soo-hyun recovered, packed his clothes, and left the hotel.

With bags full of soju, he found a nearby motel with his remaining cash. As he paid for a week’s stay, the owner gave him a suspicious look, warning him not to do anything foolish.

Taking the key from him, Soo-hyun went up to the second floor where a musty smell assaulted his nose. He unlocked the door to find a palm-sized room with a small red two-seater sofa and a tiny TV. It felt like returning to his old rooftop room.

Soo-hyun took off his coat, twisted open a soju bottle, sat down under the sofa, and turned on the TV. He had a habit of always turning on the TV. When he was very young, he would keep the TV on until late at night when his mother went to work. He had no friends. It was the same when he lived with the Seo family. His poor academic performance and rumors about being a parentless child living off others naturally caused other children to keep their distance.

So he always lived with the TV, and even after his release from prison, as he met and made friends with people, the habit wasn’t easily broken. What did Seo Min-jun say about Soo-hyun watching TV? That TV makes people stupid, so he should read books instead.

He had laughed at the time, but maybe those words were right. Where else in the world could you find such a fool? Would reading books make him smarter now? Soo-hyun gulped down the straight soju. Pouring soju into an empty stomach made his esophagus feel like it was burning.

Perhaps because it was election season, every time he turned on the TV, he saw faces he didn’t want to see. When Assemblyman Kim Hyun-sik, who was said to be Seo Min-jun’s father-in-law, appeared at a campaign rally with his wife, people cheered. She was the middle-aged woman he had seen when delivering the painting. The woman who had greedily stared at the expensive painting now showed the kindest smile in the world to market vendors as she ate fish cakes.

Soo-hyun kept drinking soju, using their faces as his drinking snack. After one bottle, two bottles, three bottles on an empty stomach, his mind grew hazy. The TV screen appeared doubled, his ears felt muffled, and his body became languid.

Amidst this, he searched his pocket and found a crumpled paper.

It was a copy of Seo Min-jun’s statement.

Skipping the beginning, he read again from the middle part that had shocked him.

[The victim, Jung Dong-cheol, was my sister’s lover and someone I knew. Baek Soo-hyun had romantic feelings for Seo Yoon-kyung, but because he was young, I never dreamed he would do something like this.]

It was still unbelievable. During the trial, he had been so scared and nervous that the prosecutor’s and judge’s words hadn’t even registered. When asked if he admitted to the crime, he had simply said yes as rehearsed, and when asked if he had anything to say, he said no. The lawyer sitting next to him had also resigned himself and admitted to all the facts.

But now looking at it, Baek Soo-hyun hadn’t gone to prison for k＊lling a r*pist, but had become trash who stabbed an innocent person out of jealousy. Thanks to that, the r*pist had become a pitiful victim.

Going to prison to protect Seo Min-jun was his choice, but this wasn’t right. He had never had a crush on Yoon-kyung, nor had he killed out of jealousy. Why had Seo Min-jun made such a statement? He had said he would write a petition to the judge asking for leniency, so why couldn’t Soo-hyun find any trace of it?

At this point, he understood why, contrary to the village head’s promise that he would be out in a year, Soo-hyun had to stay there for several years. And why Seo Min-jun hadn’t appeared in court, claiming he was sick.

Soo-hyun crumpled the statement and picked up the remote. The sensation in his fingertips pressing the channel buttons had dulled. An old singer’s voice flowed from a cable broadcast. The song was depressing. Soo-hyun knew this song. His mother used to hum along when it played on the radio. Something about missing a departed lover.

Soo-hyun hummed along to lyrics he couldn’t even remember, like his dead mother would have, then turned off the TV. Suddenly tears welled up. He hugged his legs and buried his face between them, when he heard other sounds from outside. People wandering about. Motorcycles passing by. Children laughing boisterously.

Listening made him feel more depressed, so he turned the TV back on. Rather than being lonely, he’d rather be stupid. Suddenly he remembered the expensive alcohol he had drunk at Yang Ho-beom’s house. And the s*x that wasn’t even like s*x. That b＊stard. Acting so d＊mn expensive. It’s not like his lips would wear away from kissing. Even guys having one-night stands readily offer their lips. Who does he think he is?

Anyway, he couldn’t understand why he was thinking about that b＊stard even now. A b＊stard he could chew up and still not be satisfied. Knowing everything from the beginning, already having captured Baek Gwang-mu, while claiming he had become like that after being hit by a car while running away, how would he know whether they had made him that way?

In truth, even if Yang Ho-beom had done that to Baek Gwang-mu, Soo-hyun had nothing to say. If you commit a crime, you get punished. But by that logic, what crime had he committed? For being with men since he was young? For taking people’s wallets? For doing drugs? For lying constantly? For sleeping around carelessly?

Soo-hyun tilted his head back, looked at the ceiling, and mumbled.

“Tell me, f*ck. What great sin did I commit to live like this? Huh?”

I said tell me! he shouted, and someone from the next room banged on the wall and yelled, F*ck, be quiet! Soo-hyun screamed back at them. You be quiet! You b＊stard! This was followed by an even louder protest.

Did you rent the whole place, cursing like that? You want to die? Do you know who I am? F*ck, wait, I’m coming over there now! Soo-hyun picked up a bottle and giggled. Come on, come. Idiot. Do you think I’m scared? You don’t know, but I, I am!

“I’ve even killed someone before!”

A woman’s voice could be heard next door trying to calm things down, then it got quiet. He must be drunk. Just leave him be. Soo-hyun laughed dejectedly, then opened his wallet and took out a plastic bag. One of the drugs he had given Yang Ho-beom remained. Should I have given him both? Well, even if I had, what use would it have been without a safe?

Soo-hyun opened the bag, put the pill in his mouth, and washed it down with soju instead of water. They say it knocks out even a cow for a full day, so I’ll probably sleep for 2-3 days. Or it would be fine if I never woke up. I want to meet my mother in heaven. But would I be able to go to heaven? I’ve committed so many sins.

Mumbling to himself, Soo-hyun collapsed sideways and lay on the floor. Something crawled under the TV stand with a rustling sound. He wasn’t sure if it was a cockroach or if he was hallucinating like when he had withdrawal symptoms after quitting drugs.

The sound from the TV gradually faded away, replaced by other voices.

[Soo-hyun, I have a lot to be sorry for.]

[Soo-hyun, you idiot. When you like someone, you don’t know where to draw the line. How stupid.]

[What? Feeling wronged now?]

Yes… I feel wronged. I’m so wronged I could go crazy…. I haven’t done much right, but still, I feel wronged.

His eyelids grew heavy. His vision gradually blurred, his consciousness drifted away, and his mind became peaceful. Yes, not waking up like this wouldn’t be so bad. Whether from feeling wronged or from sadness, tears rolled down his cheeks and dripped, drip, drip, onto the dirty carpet.

***

Hey. Hey. Wake up, I said. Should we call an ambulance? My goodness, what’s going on here. Hey! Wake up!

Slap, someone touched his cheek.

Forcibly pulling up consciousness that had sunk so deeply was not an easy task. Then a trembling voice was heard.

“He’s not moving at all. I think he’s dead.”

Dead? I’m still perfectly alive. When he finally managed to open his eyes, he saw someone’s face. A plump woman with chubby cheeks. She made an expression of mixed emotions, then smoothed her chest.

“Oh my, thank goodness. He’s alive, he’s alive.”

Soo-hyun moved his eyeballs.

They felt dry and rough, like they had dried up. Looking to the side, he saw a man as well. It was the motel owner who had been curt when Soo-hyun paid. When he tried to get up, his body wouldn’t cooperate. As he staggered and fell sideways, the woman held him up.

“Are you okay?”

Ah, his throat was sore and no voice came out. Soo-hyun barely managed to gather his wits and look around. Empty bottles were scattered everywhere, there were traces of vomit all over, and the old blinds that had covered the window had fallen to the floor with broken strings.

“What do you think you’re doing? If you want to hang yourself, go die somewhere else!”

The man shouted.

Soo-hyun looked at the man with a surprised face.

He remembered drinking, falling asleep, waking up, drinking more, falling asleep again and waking up, but he had no memory of trying to hang himself.

The woman slapped the man’s arm and snapped at him.

“Good heavens, this man. Watch what you say. He’s alive, so it’s fine. Student, don’t you need to go to the hospital? What’s your parents’ contact information? I’ll call home, so give me your phone.”

As if I’d have a home to contact. Soo-hyun painfully shook his head. He tried to say he was fine, but no voice came out. How long had he been in this state?

“You’ve been holed up in here for three days. Do you remember? It’s a good thing I came to check.”

The woman sighed. Then the man pulled her up.

“That’s enough, let’s go downstairs. Hey, student. First wash up and come down to talk. The smell is, whew,”

The man pulled the woman out. He didn’t forget to take the broken blinds with him, perhaps worried that Soo-hyun might have bad thoughts again. He could hear them discussing whether they should report this to the police or take him to the hospital.

After the door closed, Soo-hyun, left alone, sat for a long time. Finally regaining his senses, he grabbed the table to stand up, but his legs wobbled. He plopped down on the floor like a newborn calf, then grabbed the table again.

His stomach was not just sour but burning and painful like it was lit on fire. As he struggled to stand up, he belatedly felt his pants were damp. He had wet himself while sleeping. Ha, haha. It was absurd. Now he understood why the owner had frowned and covered his nose.

Staggering into the bathroom, he looked in the mirror and saw he was a mess. His cheeks were sunken, his eyes hollow, and there were red marks on his neck. After rubbing his dirty hair and cheeks, he leaned on the sink and turned on the water. He filled his parched throat with tap water, then took off his clothes to wash. The old bathroom was so cold his teeth chattered.

Turning on the cold water and wetting his hair first, he became fully alert. After spraying water for a while, misty steam rose from his body. Soo-hyun grabbed a towel, wiped his face, and muttered while glaring at his haggard appearance in the mirror.

“I look just…”

Worth seeing, f*ck.

Soo-hyun came out, threw the towel on the floor, and put a cigarette between his chapped lips.

Whoosh, he opened the window and looked outside where the sky was red with the setting sun.

As he watched, his pupils gradually became consumed with anger and hatred.