October 28th, Clear ☀
I observe Kim In-woo all day. However, for some reason, filling out the observation journal has become increasingly ambiguous. Because it’s not an observation anymore, we’re just living together.
I started writing this for myself initially. Because my depression was getting worse. It was Ezel’s prescription for me, who found everything tedious. But now I don’t feel bored anymore. The signs of death have almost disappeared too. According to the original purpose, there’s no particular reason to write.
I’m writing this now not for myself, but for Kim In-woo. More precisely, to record Kim In-woo as I see him.
My lifespan should have plenty left, but Kim In-woo’s future
(This isn’t incomplete translation, it ends here)
***
November 2nd, Cloudy ☁
Kim In-woo really hates it when I hug him. So I chose to drink and hug him. When I pretend to be moderately drunk and hug Kim In-woo, he gets serious at first but softens a bit.
It’s very cute.
***
November 14th, Cloudy ☁
Kim In-woo has come to trust me quite a bit.
It was an inevitable result. After all, Kim In-woo has come to a planet where he has no one to rely on, and he has no choice but to depend on <Lee Sun-ho>, the only trustworthy and kind human.
Maybe because he believes that.
Today, Kim In-woo opened up about what he experienced when he was on Earth. Everything – his parents’ abuse, bullying at school, dropping out, and what happened afterward.
Kim In-woo was a bit ashamed while talking about his past. At the same time, he thought those times were better. My chest tightened when he said there was even less hope here than there.
I thought if I changed his environment and helped him make friends, Kim In-woo would be okay… Does this mean nothing can change with just my presence?
Still, one positive thing is that Kim In-woo trusts me enough to share his past. If <Lee Sun-ho> continues to be someone Kim In-woo can rely on like this, he might change his mind. After all, Kim In-woo was much more stable than before. Maybe someday he might even enjoy life here…
The problem came after that.
After sharing his story, Kim In-woo asked about me. At that moment, I realized Kim In-woo had shared his entire story to ask about me.
If his goal was to dig into <Lee Sun-ho>’s past, I could have made up a suitable background. But Kim In-woo didn’t do that. That’s the kind of person Kim In-woo is.
Actually, I’ve barely talked about myself all this time. Although I had perfectly crafted and memorized the setting for <Lee Sun-ho> before meeting Kim In-woo, the thought that it was ultimately just lies tormented me.
Of course, even apart from the past issue, I keep lying to Kim In-woo. To begin with, the very existence of <Lee Sun-ho> is a lie.
I am not Lee Sun-ho.
I am Radel.
The former Sovereign of Arkea, a warmonger whose name alone makes countless species tremble, and who nearly drove most of them to extinction. But ultimately, a defective product who couldn’t overcome Arkea’s traits and hid away on a rural planet while dying.
I couldn’t be honest about myself. However, at least in this moment when Kim In-woo approached me honestly, even exposing his own wounds, I didn’t want to tell well-crafted lies.
In the end, I told him about my past, not the story I had prepared for this moment.
Of course, I couldn’t reveal the complete truth. My past was impossible to explain perfectly by the standards of the country Kim In-woo lived in. So I had to dramatize it somewhat. Similar in feeling, but translated into something that could have happened in Korea.
The story inevitably became a bit long as I had to think while speaking to adapt it. Kim In-woo listened to my entire story with a very serious face.
After hearing my story, Kim In-woo hugged me while crying heavily. When he said it must have been so hard, I shook my head in surprise.
Did I adapt something wrong? I said I was fine, but Kim In-woo didn’t believe me. Instead, he cursed at me, calling me a pushover.
I’m not that troubled. I’m living well even now. And I’m definitely not a pushover. I lived for hundreds of years as the Sovereign of Arkea, discussing universal hegemony. The wealth accumulated over those hundreds of years is so excessive it would last until the universe ends.
It’s really nothing, but how did Kim In-woo interpret it?
Since I couldn’t correct it now, I quietly hugged Kim In-woo and comforted him. Kim In-woo cried his heart out as if it were his own story.
It felt strange. While my true self, Radel, gets cursed at by Kim In-woo as a “f*cking bastard,” my fabricated self, <Lee Sun-ho>, tells him the truth and receives comfort.
Suddenly I wanted to cry. I don’t know why I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t cry. I just hugged Kim In-woo tightly.
I’m writing this while watching Kim In-woo sleep. His eyes are red from crying too much. My feelings are complicated.
***
November 22nd, Not Sure
Recently, Kim In-woo has been passionate about interior decorating. With the furniture I’ve been gradually putting back, along with paint and wallpaper piling up, Kim In-woo has started renovating the house with his sleeves rolled up.
Today’s task is painting the table that we made yesterday and primed with gesso.
Despite liking this work, Kim In-woo kept complaining endlessly. Knowing it’s just his habit, I quietly listened.
One of the things Kim In-woo says most often is something like <To think I’d have a house even here, don’t know if it’s good or what>. Like a typical Korean who considers home ownership a major goal, Kim In-woo was quite attached to and invested in the cage house.
So far, Kim In-woo and I have painted the rustic walls with deep sea-blue paint and attached white tiles. It was the result of fully utilizing the interior kits I had sneakily placed.
Kim In-woo carefully spread the paint mixed to a light beige color on the table. While helping beside him, I accidentally got paint on my face. Kim In-woo laughed, calling me stupid, and I counterattacked by tickling his sides. The work that should have finished quickly took much longer because of our diverted playfulness.
By the time we finished tending to the cage and painting the entire table, lunch time had long passed. While eating our late meal, Kim In-woo and I discussed what to make next.
Kim In-woo said a rocking chair like in fairy tales was his dream. So we decided to make a rocking chair starting tomorrow. Kim In-woo chattering about finishing with oil instead of paint was quite cute.
***
November 28th, Clear?
The rocking chair is complete. It’s the second rocking chair. The first one rocked too much, so we had to make a separate base for it like the garden’s hamster wheel. Fortunately, the second one rocks stably, which is good.
To observe while keeping a human pet, one wall of the house is completely open. So from the living room connected to the kitchen, you can see the garden view well. Kim In-woo quite liked that view. Perhaps thinking of viewing the garden from the rocking chair, he asked me to move it, so I moved it next to the sofa.
Before Kim In-woo could sit in the rocking chair, I quickly sat down first. Kim In-woo looked dumbfounded. Before he could say anything, I pulled him to sit on my lap.
Kim In-woo’s face turned bright red and he yelled at me to put him down, but I knew he wasn’t really angry. When I hugged him tight and patted him, saying isn’t it comfortable, he gradually calmed down even while cursing “f*ck.”
Kim In-woo tried to escape several times but gave up as I caught him each time. Kim In-woo grumbled that I was too persistent. Finally, Kim In-woo stiffly looked at the garden from my embrace. Then he fell asleep.
He must have been lacking sleep lately since he’d been tossing and turning. I buried my nose in Kim In-woo’s relaxed neck and smelled him. Even though he’s not an omega so there’s no pheromones, I keep getting obsessed with Kim In-woo’s scent. The soft smell of his skin felt good. I moved Kim In-woo to the bed and slept together for several hours.
***
December 6th, Clear ☀
Kim In-woo suddenly started glaring at my fake self that I had placed outside. When I carefully asked why he was glaring, feeling guilty about many things, Kim In-woo wouldn’t open up easily.
He seemed to have a lot on his mind all day. I could only spend the day feeling anxious. Even now as I write this journal, I can’t guess what it might be.
Should I look through his memories again? I don’t want to… But what if it’s something that needs to be resolved quickly? I’m really troubled.
***
December 11th, Cloudy?
After being lost in thought for several days, Kim In-woo finally shared his concerns with me.
He said there was something very cruel that I used to do, but lately I haven’t been doing it. Then he wondered if perhaps my interest in him had faded and instead I was doing that to myself.
Although I was very flustered when I heard this, fortunately I’m not very expressive so I could pretend to be calm.
What Kim In-woo is talking about is probably the m*sturbation assistance. And contrary to my helping intention, Kim In-woo perceived it as s*xual torture. In other words, Kim In-woo is worried that <Lee Sun-ho> might be suffering s*xual torture from me.
I asked for a detailed explanation with a face that showed I had no idea what he was talking about. Then when I mentioned that <my> owner didn’t seem as bad as expected, Kim In-woo shook his head saying never mind then.
And as the matter concluded, only then did a question arise.
Doesn’t Kim In-woo m*sturbate?
In the memories I read before, Kim In-woo m*sturbated very rarely. The past Kim In-woo barely felt such urges, perhaps because life was too difficult.
But thinking back to when I observed the training center, most humans seemed to m*sturbate a lot. Moreover, Kim In-woo too would sometimes m*sturbate alone because his body would heat up due to me consistently stimulating him after heightening his sensitivity.
Doesn’t he do it nowadays? Could it be he can’t because of me? Since we’re almost always together…
Now I know humans are a species that can control their s*xual desires (though there are species that don’t, Kim In-woo controls it well) but still, isn’t it better to release when desires build up?
Suddenly I started worrying about it.