“Don’t memories play a big role in emotions? I’m not sure… but it seems strange that memories are gone while emotions remain.”

“Would it get better if I regained my memories?”

“It might, or it might not.”

“What kind of answer is that?”

“Feelings could have changed with time. They can’t always stay the same. Like how you feel different going into the bathroom versus coming out.”

“That’s a weird comparison.”

Gu-young, whom Ju-eon met during rehabilitation at the hospital and ended up working part-time with, had recently become one of the people who shared most of Ju-eon’s concerns.

Officially, Ju-eon received the name Woo Ju-won. To the outside world, Ju-eon was said to have been in a vegetative state for several years after a major accident before miraculously recovering. His memory loss was explained as a side effect of the traffic accident, naturally accounting for his missing years of memories.

“Maybe you haven’t noticed because it’s not a suddenly blazing love. Well, there could be various possibilities?”

Gu-young spoke in a calm voice while massaging one of his shoulders.

“I guess…”

Ju-eon liked how level-headed Gu-young was. No matter what concerns he shared, Gu-young made them seem trivial. But he wasn’t insensitive, so just talking seemed to lighten the weight of his worries.

“All cleaned up.”

“Good work.”

“What do you want to drink? Tell me before I sit down.”

“I’ll have an Americano.”

Kang Yun-jae wasn’t known as a researcher from the institution headquarters but as a doctor who transferred from Earth 1 to Earth 2 with Ju-eon. Anyone could see how devoted he was to Ju-eon. He felt guilty for even thinking about someone else when Yun-jae was like this.

“Here.”

“Thanks.”

Before he knew it, Gu-young had brought the drinks and sat down next to him. Gu-young rested his chin on his hand and took a sip of his drink.

“How about surprising him with a visit?”

“Suddenly?”

Ju-eon made a surprised expression at the unexpected suggestion.

“If you tell him beforehand, it’s not a surprise but an appointment.”

“That’s true, but…”

“Sometimes you look like someone who’s in debt when I see you.”

“It’s not that bad…”

“He seemed capable, maybe he went to have an affair?”

“Hey…”

He couldn’t jump up and deny it. Though he had faith that wouldn’t happen, honestly, it might be easier if that were the case.

“I was joking, but maybe I went too far.”

“It’s not like that.”

Ju-eon took a long sip of his drink through the straw, disgusted with his own base thoughts.

Yun-jae had left for his business trip as he had told Ju-eon days before. Though officially it was for an academic seminar, Ju-eon knew where Yun-jae was really going. While Yun-jae was always by Ju-eon’s side, he would go up to Earth 1 two or three times a year.

The Special Abilities Institution headquarters in Earth 1. The place where Yun-jae belonged. Ju-eon slightly furrowed his brow. Just thinking about that place gave him a headache. Was it because he had stayed long in the headquarters’ basement? Yun-jae had firmly said it had nothing to do with who Ju-eon was before, and he disliked when Ju-eon mentioned that place.

‘Because you were in so much pain then.’

The reason was that it reminded him of when he was in great pain during the clinical trials. Whenever Yun-jae’s emotions showed so blatantly, it strangely felt suffocating. Just thinking about it made his chest feel heavy, making him clutch at it.

“Ugh.”

“Are you okay?”

It was an incredible blessing to have a lover who remained constant even when you had changed and lost your memories. He understood this thousands of times in his head.

“…I’m fine. But I think he might not like it if I show up suddenly.”

“You’re feeling burdened because you’re just receiving while having no memories. What’s the point of just being considerate to each other when you’re both this uncomfortable?”

“…Was it that obvious?”

Ju-eon awkwardly scratched his cheek. He wanted to quickly regain his memories and get rid of this guilt. It wasn’t comfortable to just keep receiving. But it was hard to act like lovers when he had no memories.

If only he could regain his memories. It felt like everything would be okay and could return to its proper place. How could he not think this way?

“A little.”

“…”

He was at a loss for words at Gu-young’s honest response.

“Now you want to find your memories. Even though your boyfriend says it’s okay.”

Though Gu-young’s voice was calm, one couldn’t miss the worry mixed in it.

“That’s right.”

Yun-jae said he did it because he was worried about him. Though he said it was for his sake, a restricted life could never be pleasant.

“Isn’t the typical method always the best? You might remember something if you visit where you used to live.”

“Should I go?”

Nothing changes by just staying still.

“Now?”

“Yeah. If you’re okay with it.”

“I can’t say no after suggesting it myself.”

Gu-young sometimes clicked his tongue saying Ju-eon was too quick to act. Thankfully relieved by Gu-young’s offer to cover for him, Ju-eon returned home.

As soon as he got home, he stuffed things into his bag like someone being chased. In less than 10 minutes, Ju-eon came out again and headed to the train station with determined steps.

It would be fine if he talked everything out honestly. He wasn’t a glass vessel that could break. If it was a relationship that could break from one word, wouldn’t it also be a relationship that could be found again from one action?

Don’t be scared in advance.

Smack. Ju-eon hit both his cheeks hard. Though people around were startled and looked his way, Ju-eon didn’t mind and opened his eyes wide.

Was pushing through with something once decided part of his original personality? Or was it formed after losing his memories? He couldn’t know, but it didn’t matter anymore. Both the past he couldn’t remember and who he was now were all him.

Ju-eon got on the train, steeling himself.

**

When he arrived at the station, the sun had completely set. It was hard to believe how different it could be despite being just an hour away by train.

Though he had gotten on the train confidently, sitting quietly made him wonder if it had been a pointless action. But since the train couldn’t stop according to Ju-eon’s circumstances, he eventually arrived at Earth 1.

Contrary to Yun-jae’s worries, he felt fine. There was a strange sense of déjà vu. It felt closer to nostalgia than discomfort.

That déjà vu became intense when he got off at the station closest to the Special Abilities Institution. He was sure he had only been inside during the clinical trials. He clearly remembered what he had heard from other clinical trial subjects who hadn’t lost their memories.

Bump.

“Watch where you’re going.”

“I’m sorry.”

He looked around at the surroundings that weren’t dark despite it being night thanks to the glowing neon signs. He had stopped suddenly and bumped shoulders with someone walking behind him.

“…This place…”

A cold wind brushed past his collar. It was a cold winter. It was such a cold night that his skin felt like it would freeze, making him wonder if he had dressed too lightly.

He had almost no memories of Earth 1. Even when he was underground, being marinated in anesthetics and sleeping pills made it questionable whether he had proper memories. Even when moving to Earth 2, his body wasn’t in good condition, so he only vaguely remembered leaving, not detailed memories of that day.

So Ju-eon recalled the time before his life stabilized after arriving at Earth 2. He believed Earth 1 would be like that time when everything – people, emotions, situations – was frighteningly unfamiliar.

But when he got off the train at the station, Ju-eon felt such strong nostalgia that he couldn’t understand why Yun-jae had tried to stop him. Though it was clearly an unfamiliar place, it didn’t feel strange.

“Huu…”

With each breath, misty air spread and disappeared repeatedly in the empty space. The wind brushed past his hair. Ju-eon had gotten used to letting go of memories that seemed almost within grasp but weren’t. There had been countless days when he couldn’t catch those elusive memories no matter how hard he tried.

Ju-eon quickly shook off his thoughts and reminded himself of his purpose for coming here.

Yun-jae had said he would work through the night and return early morning. So it was obvious where Yun-jae would be. If he checked the map on his phone and went straight to the headquarters without straying to other paths, he could meet Yun-jae. Starting with becoming equals. He shouldn’t feel indebted, and Yun-jae shouldn’t see him as someone who needs protection.

Many things would change.

“…I should prepare myself mentally first.”

Instead of heading straight to the headquarters, Ju-eon turned towards the busy district. Feeling it would be hard to go sober, he wanted to borrow the power of alcohol. Though he looked at the numerous bars around considering whether to enter or not, he eventually changed direction. He felt like if he went into a bar, he wouldn’t have the courage to get up again.

“Please insert the card in front.”

In the end, what Ju-eon chose was a convenience store. He bought a bottle of soju and sat on the plastic chair in front of the store, spending time until he got up half-drunk.

If things went well going like this, since it would be his first time visiting, they might end up spending time together. And Ju-eon didn’t have the confidence to do such things sober.

“Maybe I drank too much at once.”

When he stood up, the alcohol hit him hard. When he felt his body warm up as the alcohol coursed through his veins, Ju-eon slowly started walking.

He ran his hand through his hair with troubled thoughts as he walked slowly. He was planning to take a slight detour. His head was spinning. The world was swaying.

Walking slowly, Ju-eon suddenly stopped. There was a scent that stimulated his tear ducts. He held his breath for a moment at the unfamiliar smell. Just smelling this fragrance made his heart overflow.

“…Huh?”

Though the busy district near the Special Abilities Institution was as bright as day, the light didn’t reach everywhere. The small alley right next to it was so dark that not a single point of light entered.

The man was standing there.

—

T/N: Prepare for the next chaper 🙂