Chapter 38 –  Words I Want To Say

“A while ago, Archie told me about Sir Ansel. That day, for the first time… I found myself resenting not just the nobles, but my own family.”

She hung her head and finally burst into tears.

“If my sister weren’t here, I wouldn’t have had to reject him. I had such terrible thoughts…”

“Eloise!”

At Mrs. Bailey’s cry of shock, a single tear rolled down Eloise’s clear cheek.

However, she neither sniffled nor sobbed. She simply wiped away her tears quietly in front of her stunned family and continued in a calm tone.

“It was just for a moment. But the fact that I had such a thought was something I couldn’t forgive myself for. I know I’m broken. So, for the time being, I plan to leave here.”

“…”

“No matter how long it takes, I will forget him. It’s absurd to live with feelings for someone who has caused our family so much pain. Besides, they would never acknowledge me anyway. So I don’t want to cling to a foolish illusion.”

“I understand what you’re trying to say. But does it have to be the capital?”

Mrs. Bailey sighed as she asked, taking over for Mr. Bailey, who had turned pale.

She seemed particularly concerned about the fact that Eloise still had feelings for Ansel.

It wasn’t that she doubted her daughter’s sincerity. The doubt was directed at Ansel Blaine.

He had dragged in his grandfather, the Earl, for a grand wedding only to abandon it overnight and seek out his fiancée’s younger sister.

That was a course of action that could only be explained as madness.

Who knew what that rogue, who had caused their family such suffering with his outrageous behavior, might have whispered to Eloise that day.

Given his reckless actions that had plunged their family into turmoil, Mrs. Bailey was deeply worried that her young and innocent daughter might be swayed by his sweet words.

“I understand your desire to leave this area, but the kingdom is quite vast, isn’t it? There’s no need to go all the way to the capital.”

“Yes, Elsie. For clearing your mind, how about a seaside village, or perhaps Luden, where your aunt lives?”

Mr. Bailey joined in the persuasion, even mentioning a sister with whom they had little contact.

The smile he forced onto his trembling lips carried a sense of desperation.

Of course, Eloise had anticipated such reactions, so she spoke up immediately.

“I think what’s more important than leaving home is standing on my own. There’s a place for me to return to in Brightnum, so there’s no reason to hesitate. Even if something happens, it’s the place with the most opportunities…”

“…”

It was the absolute truth, but it wasn’t the answer her family wanted to hear.

After taking a moment to catch her breath, Eloise continued with a determined expression, as if to reassure her family.

“So going to the capital isn’t because of him. Considering he could have followed me that day but didn’t, it seems his deviation ended there.”

“Eloise, but later on…”

“If he intends to find me again, he’ll do so no matter where I am, not just in the capital. He certainly has the means. Thinking that way, wouldn’t a crowded place like Brightnum be safer? The many eyes on the street will clearly witness his misdeeds, and I can hide among the people.”

Perhaps unable to find any rebuttal, Mr. and Mrs. Bailey both pressed their foreheads simultaneously.

The couple could only find the entire situation sad and regrettable.

Even amidst this, Sarah, sitting quietly at the table, remained silent with her gaze lowered.

But did that really mean she had nothing to say?

“…Sister.”

Though inwardly fearful, Eloise decided to muster her courage.

“Is there anything you want to say to me?”

Her voice trembled slightly, but her eyes, looking at Sarah, were unwaveringly steady.

At the very least, she wanted to make it clear that she wasn’t asking with a half-hearted intention.

Eloise had long known that Sarah liked Ansel.

From a very long time ago. Her oblivious sister might only now realize that her one and only younger sister loved the man, even when he was her fiancé.

“You said you weren’t angry or upset with me, but I…”

Even though her sister seemed like she could have fallen from the sky, it didn’t make sense for her not to be angry in such a situation.

No one would be unaffected by being unceremoniously jilted from a wedding of the century, especially in such an unimaginable way.

Moreover, when the source of it all was none other than her own sister, how could she not feel betrayed?

The one and only sister she had cherished like a treasure her entire life had shamelessly deceived her instead of reciprocating her love.

So how could she not want to blame her?

“Stop it, Eloise. Do you still not know your sister?”

At that moment, Mrs. Bailey intercepted the conversation with a face that seemed resigned. Her voice, clearly weary, was slightly on edge. Eloise asked earnestly.

“…But how can she not be angry in this situation?”

All summer long, absurd rumors had spread just because of Ansel’s one-sided proposal.

Eloise vividly remembered how her sister’s shoulders trembled like a delicate flower every time she heard a ridiculous rumor.

Let alone such an outrageous breakup.

“People wouldn’t have just ignored it. They would have gossiped wherever they went…”

Even now, the outside world was likely filled with all sorts of terrible rumors, and who knew, new speculations might be emerging somewhere at this very moment.

While she was escaping reality by falling into a deep sleep, her elegant mother must have slammed the table in frustration several times.

“I’ve been holed up in my room, overwhelmed and distressed by all this, but how can my sister attend church every week without fail? It’s strange.”

“…”

It wasn’t to seek solace through sermons, and she, who always blushed in crowded places, couldn’t possibly find comfort in a bustling church.

Especially now, when it was obvious that wherever she went, she would be met with stares and whispers…

“The sister I’ve known all my life is not someone who is indifferent, just reserved in expressing herself. She can’t possibly be unaffected. Say something, sister. Please?”

“Eloise. I’m fine.”

Sarah, who had been listening to Eloise’s words calmly, finally spoke up.

“So focus on preparing to leave home rather than worrying about me.”

“How can you say you’re fine… Sometimes I don’t understand you, sister. Every time I feel like you’re not being honest with me, it feels like there’s a wall between us.”

“How could I lie to you?”

At her voice, as calm as a lake on a windless day, Eloise clenched her fists tightly.

‘I can’t understand…’

There was no way she could be fine after going through all this, yet she remained silent and steadfast.

It was a stark contrast to herself, who found it hard to even stand straight with a broken heart.

How much resolve did her sister need to have?

‘Even though she’s my sister, we’re only two years apart.’

Eloise, struggling to protect herself, found it both admirable and worrisome that her sister was still protecting the family after everything that had happened.

What kind of mindset did she have as she faced each day?

“I understand you don’t want to worry Mom and Dad. But if you hide everything from me too, where will you vent when you’re struggling, where will you cry? Where will you escape to?”

Eloise asked in a sorrowful tone, as if determined to hear the answer she wanted, and the couple looked at Sarah, unsure of what to do.

Such tense moments had never flowed between the two daughters, who were exceptionally close to each other.

“I’m not hiding anything.”

“If you’re not hiding anything, then…!”

“Do you want me to cry here? Do you want me to resent you right in front of you?”

“Oh, girls.”

In the end, the flustered Mrs. Bailey raised her hands and called her two daughters.

“What’s the point of hurting each other’s feelings over this? Sarah said she’s fine, so just…”

“After all, it’s because of me. I can’t leave like this. I’d rather you resent me, Sally. I need to see you feel at ease…”

Eloise’s decision to go to the capital was ultimately for her own peace.

Putting aside her words about living for her family for a while. So at least, she hoped her sister wouldn’t endure the pain alone for her sake.

She hoped she would reveal everything and find relief.

When Eloise didn’t back down at all, Mr. Bailey, who had been watching the situation with a troubled face, spoke up.

“This isn’t your fault, Elsie. I, too, and your father feel a heavy responsibility. We were too ambitious. From the start, it was a match beyond our means…”

The head of the Bailey family hung his head in shame.

With those sorrowful words, the precarious dinner came to an end.

Eloise returned straight to her bedroom with mixed feelings of disappointment, frustration, and guilt toward Sarah, who never opened up.

Then, for some reason, she thought her sister might follow and comfort her, so she waited for Sarah but fell asleep before she knew it.

Time passed like that. Eloise awoke to a hand stroking her cheek.

Even in the pitch-black night, Eloise immediately knew it was Sarah.

In the darkness, Sarah stroked her face repeatedly, kissed her cheek, and whispered.

She said that protecting the family as the eldest daughter was everything to her now, and that someday Eloise would understand this feeling.

In that gentle warmth, Eloise drifted back to sleep. It was a night like a faint dream.