“Huh?”

“You said you left something behind.”

“Oh… Yes, I found it.”

“What was it?”

Cyrus’s gaze was gloomy as he looked this way. His face was expressionless, like a doll molded from wax, and the window beyond him was tinged with blue as the sun began to set. The face of the brother he had seen every day felt unfamiliar. Uncomfortable with the feeling, Cecil shifted his gaze to the wardrobe.

“Nothing. It’s not important.”

“You went all the way back to retrieve it, so it can’t be nothing.”

“I said it’s nothing. Why are you being like this?”

“Can’t I just ask?”

His retort was sharper than usual. Like a well-honed blade. Or perhaps like a snake harboring poison. Only then did Cecil notice that Cyrus’s state was different from usual, and he closed the wardrobe door.

Barely looking at Cecil’s face, Cyrus put down the book he had been reading with a dismissive toss and got up from the bed. His lips held a cold sneer.

“Did you enjoy it?”

“What? What are you talking—”

“It’s a bit funny to ask ‘what’ when you’re covered in her perfume.”

Cecil froze at the nonchalant remark. Cyrus knew. An icy tension spread between the two. Cecil chewed on his lips before looking up. His eyes, which usually held a faint smile, were glaring at Cyrus, and his lips were firmly closed.

“So? Is there a problem?”

“Tell me. What did you answer?”

“Why should I tell you that?”

“Because I have the right to know.”

Cyrus, who had already grown much taller than his brother, approached Cecil with a mocking sneer. His attitude in claiming his rights was overbearing and attempted to pressure Cecil. Cecil suddenly felt it difficult to breathe. His head was spinning.

“What right do you have?”

“Why wouldn’t I? Have you forgotten what we’ve done?”

“Don’t bring that up!”

“Why? Is it too filthy to even think about?”

The sarcastic tone condemned Cecil. The eyes that were always expressionless but contained warmth had dropped in temperature to the coldness of a winter glacier.

“Brother, you live so conveniently.”

“Stop it.”

“How many times we’ve kissed—”

“Stop it. I said stop it!”

“I feel like I’m going crazy because of you, brother!”

Suddenly Cyrus shouted. It seemed impossible to imagine the usually calm Cyrus who never raised his voice acting this way. Looking up at Cyrus in astonishment, Cecil saw his brother’s eyes had reddened with excitement. They appeared on the verge of tears, and Cecil bit his lip hard. He wanted to reach out and wipe Cyrus’s eyes, but he knew he shouldn’t.

“Does denying it make what happened disappear? Can you do that?”

“Let’s just say it never happened. You should think of it as something that never happened too. That’s all we need to do.”

“I can’t do that. That’s why I feel like I’m going crazy whenever I see you. Don’t say I’m the only one who feels this way, please.”

His angry voice changed to pleading. His heavy breathing suggested he couldn’t control his emotions. Memories from childhood surfaced. Memories of kissing in secret, away from others’ eyes, touching each other’s lower parts and laughing. The inexplicable sense that they shouldn’t be discovered by others. That quiet snowy day and the scarlet glow of the fireplace. That feeling when their eyes suddenly met.

Cecil suddenly felt certain that Cyrus was feeling the same thing he was. But that shouldn’t be. Such things weren’t right or human. Cecil, who had been staring at a corner of the room, opened his lips.

“We were doing fine.”

“What? What exactly were we doing fine with?”

“Everything! We were doing fine!”

Since that incident in the forest, Cecil had never once allowed himself to be left alone with Cyrus. If Cyrus looked like he might start a conversation, Cecil would avoid the situation or change the subject to have normal conversations. He thought that was what they should do. That was the right thing to do. It was the only way not to degenerate into beasts. Cecil wanted to protect both himself and his brother.

“We did that because we were young. We were both young and didn’t know better.”

“Really? Do you even remember how long we kept doing it?”

“There’s no need to remember. You should forget too. That’s the right thing to do.”

Cyrus burst into laughter at his brother who spoke with a trembling voice. Forgetting is the right thing to do? Since that day, he had only been waiting, never once forgetting.

“I’ve never forgotten. You know that. How could I forget?”

It was true. Cyrus had never once forgotten anything. The presence that had swirled around him as he swam in the womb. The playful sounds he heard from inside the egg and the warm light that illuminated his vision when he first came into the world… The first kiss they shared when their eyes met in the quiet stillness.

All of these were clearly imprinted on him, making him live moment by moment. It was a kind of spell. A magic that made his life dependent on one person. It wasn’t something he could refuse.

For a moment, Cyrus’s face contorted, then he confessed calmly like someone surrendering to the relentless passage of time.

“I love you, brother.”

“…”

“I’ve loved you even before I was born.”

Having finally said what shouldn’t have been said, Cyrus looked relieved. In that moment, a flood of intense hatred and loathing toward his brother, along with indescribable emotions, crashed over Cecil.

“I, I…”

Cecil, who had been moving his lips without knowing what to say, looked stunned. He couldn’t give any answer.

“I’ve been waiting for you all this time. Believing that today would be different, tomorrow would be different. It was a useless thing to do, but well, I did learn one thing. That you’re a slow, stupid idiot who doesn’t even know your own feelings. That’s the one thing I understood properly.”

“Stop it.”

“Since you don’t know, I’ll tell you. You love me. And I love you. There’s no problem with us. You’re the one trying to create problems.”

“No.”

Cecil’s breathing became rough. Shaking his head, he couldn’t meet his brother’s eyes as he broke into a cold sweat. No. No. No. Muttering rapidly, he clenched his fists so tightly that blood seeped from where his nails dug into his palms.

Cyrus neither stopped nor encouraged this series of actions, but simply stared and slowly opened his lips.

“Can you really say you don’t love me?”

His gaze, as merciless as winter frost rather than loving, swept over Cecil. Cecil, who had been moving his lips to answer, turned around with an expression that looked like he might collapse and left the room. He heard a voice calling his name from behind, but he never looked back.

“Hah, hah…”

He ran out until he was out of breath. Trees covered in the shadows of night swayed in the wind, and the sound of leaves colliding filled his eardrums. After running for a while, Cecil tripped over a rock and fell, but he felt no pain.

“Haah…”

The ground, where fallen leaves had begun to pile up, held a cool chill. Blood from his scraped knee was slowly seeping into his clothes.

It was a moonlit night. A moon that seemed to clearly illuminate all distorted things. Under it, Cecil felt miserably shabby.

“Huu…”

Under the bright moonlight, Cecil sat down and sobbed quietly.

In Cecil’s heart, there had long been a cave. Inside that cave was a beast, leaving no room for others. The beast had no legs and was a monster that crawled on its belly, its appearance terrible and disgusting. Cecil was afraid to look at that beast, so he locked the door and vowed never to look at the cave again. That was a long time ago.

It was his beastly nature.

*

“I heard you fought with Cyrus?”

A voice suddenly emerged from above. It was Alesia. Cecil, who had been sitting leaning against a tree trunk, tilted his head back and stared at his sister.

“No, it was nothing like that.”

“What do you mean, nothing? Why did you fight?”

Why did we fight? He couldn’t possibly confess honestly. Alesia, who was satisfied with her human life and adapting better than anyone, would obviously find their story disgusting if she heard it. Instead of answering, Cecil just shook his head.

Alesia stared at her brother’s troubled face for a while, then made an “oof” sound and sat down on the dirt ground carelessly. Frowning at the sight, Cecil absentmindedly fumbled in his pocket and felt something.

“…”

“What’s that? A handkerchief? Are you going to spread it out for me? No need, clothes can be washed.”

It was a handkerchief embroidered with lily of the valley. He had been so distracted that he didn’t realize it was still in his pocket, apparently forgetting to take it out. Actually, since it was a gift, he had been wondering whether to spread it out for her or not as soon as he saw it, but Alesia casually waved her hand. The sight made him laugh inadvertently.

“Now you’re finally smiling.”

“I’m fine. We didn’t have a big fight, so don’t worry.”

“Bullshit, you two who are always stuck together are coming to the dining hall separately, and you’re saying it’s not a big fight?”

Alesia cursed like a middle-aged knight and made an expression that said “how pathetic.” Embarrassed by her expression, Cecil laughed, and this time she leaned her head back against the tree trunk with a thud, making herself comfortable. Startled by the loud sound, Cecil reached out to check the back of her head, but Alesia waved her hand dismissively again.

“Hey, why are you so depressed over just a fight? Don’t you know Cyrus and I fight every other day?”

“That’s normal for you…”

“Exactly. We fight all the time but we make up again. That’s what family is like.”

“I guess so.”

Come to think of it, Alesia and Cyrus often fought over trivial matters. More precisely, Alesia would get fiercely angry and Cyrus would ignore her whether she made a fuss or not, but it was still fighting. And yet, after a few days, the two would casually stick together and chat. It was a relationship between the two that Cecil didn’t quite understand.

“I don’t know why you fought, and well, I don’t think you’re going to tell me either. Anyway, I don’t know the reason, but.”

“Yes.”

Cecil had absentmindedly thought she might tell him to give in because he was the older brother. That’s when it happened.

“If you didn’t do anything wrong, don’t let him off the hook. Even if he cries and calls you ‘brother, brother,’ just ignore him.”

“What?”

Cecil’s voice rose at the completely unexpected answer. As he made an expression of disbelief, Alesia drove the point home by asking, “Did you understand?”

“…Ha, haha!”