Chapter 8.1

“Damn it, my head is splitting.”

Kadis woke up with a pounding headache, groggily opening his eyes. Instinctively, he reached out to the spot beside him, but it was empty.

“Sh*t.”

His half-closed eyes snapped wide open.

Kadis quickly sat up.

The bright sunlight now illuminated the once-dark bedroom. It was morning—or perhaps even closer to noon. 

Kadis stared at the empty space where Lyla had been lying.

The white sheets were stained with darkened blood and dried fluids, now hardened and crusty.

There was no liveliness to be felt. No warmth remained.

The coldness of the sheets suggested that Lyla had left quite some time ago. Tracing the remnants of the night’s passion with his fingers, Kadis climbed out of bed.

Swish.

He pulled back the closed curtains and opened the window, letting in a blast of cold air. Today was unusually chilly, with a thick fog hanging in the air. A thin layer of pale snow had fallen overnight, lightly covering the ground.

To Kadis, the snow-covered world looked nothing but repulsive. His insides felt like they were filled with filthy water, ready to overflow.

‘Ah… It’s so deep… Ahhh!’

Each time he plunged his burning heat into the even hotter depths, a wave of ecstasy overtook him, making him lose all sense of restraint.

Had I foolishly believed that I had completely claimed Lyle after just one embrace? 

He cursed himself for letting his guard down and falling asleep.

And you—of all days, you chose to run away on a cold morning like this. What was so urgent?

“Hey, you there!”

Kadis shouted toward the outside.

A gardener clearing snow off the flowerbeds flinched and looked up.

The moment their eyes met Kadis’s crimson gaze, the gardener froze. 

Was this what it felt like to face a snow leopard poised to bite your throat?

The beast spoke in a human voice.

“Where is Lyle?”

“Pardon? Th-the Earl left early this morning in a carriage…!”

The gardener stammered, trembling.

Hearing the answer, Kadis clenched his teeth and disappeared back inside. Only then did the gardener let out a shaky breath, clutching his chest in relief.

***

‘Lyle.’

Inside the rattling stagecoach, Lyla recalled the desperate voice from the previous night.

After releasing himself, Kadis had clung to her like a beast seeking warmth.

‘Can’t you love me?’

Kadis had buried his face deep into her neck as he asked.

It was hard to believe that the same man who had driven her to the brink with such relentless fervor could now sound so pitiful.

‘I’m not asking for much. I just need you. I don’t need anything else.’

Lyla had reluctantly given him the answer he wanted to hear.

‘…I love you.’

As she gently stroked his veined arm, a soft sigh escaped from where his face pressed against her neck.

Carefully tracing the scars that ran across his neck and chest, Lyla had eventually left the bedroom.

‘Is he still asleep? He probably doesn’t even remember what I said. Hopefully.’

Lyla let out a deep sigh as she gazed out the carriage window.

She had already switched carriages twice. Even the spires of the Ducal Residence, once visible between the mountain ridges, were no longer in sight. The realization that she could never return sank in, making everything feel distant and overwhelming.

It was then.

“Where are you going, Sister?”

“Huh?”

When she turned her head, a child sitting on his mother’s lap was staring intently at her.

“Oh my, how rude. Apologize to the gentleman!”

After scolding her son, the woman turned to Lyla and apologized.

“I’m sorry. He’s still young.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine. Ahem! Your son seems very spirited.”

Lyla unconsciously straightened her posture as she spoke.

Then, a thought crossed her mind—did it even matter anymore if people discovered she was a woman? After all, there were only the mother and child in the carriage with her.

After a brief pause, Lyla opened her mouth.

“I’m actually a woman.”

“Oh my. I thought you were a handsome young man because of the men’s clothing. So, you’re a young lady?”

The woman’s cheeks flushed as her eyes widened in surprise. She seemed delighted to have found someone to chat with.

Noticing his mother’s change in demeanor, the child turned his attention back to Lyla.

“We’re going to see my dad! Where are you going, Sister?”

“Hey, you shouldn’t ask things like that.”

“Why not? I’m curious!”

The mother and son bickered back and forth.

Lyla couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at the sight. But her smile didn’t last long. The woman, now holding her child more securely, carefully asked Lyla.

“Where is a young lady like you going all alone? Are you traveling?”

Lyla hesitated before shaking her head.

“Could it be… a lover’s quarrel?”

“Mom! You said not to ask things like that!”

“Oh, hush! It’s different when an adult asks versus when a child does.”

The woman retorted with a pout before turning back to Lyla.

“Sometimes, confiding in a stranger can lighten your heart. You seem burdened with worries. If you don’t mind, I’m here to listen…”

The woman’s soft voice was gentle, like a balm for a wounded heart. It reminded Lyla of her late mother. Come to think of it, her mother had met her father when she was about twenty. If Lyla had married at that age, she might have a child as old as the one before her now.

Lost in thought, Lyla hesitated before finally speaking.

“I’m running away.”

“Sister, are you a criminal? Mmph…!”

The woman quickly covered her son’s mouth. Despite his resentful glare, she kept her hand firmly in place and focused on Lyla’s words.

“I’ve hurt many people. So, before I cause more harm, I’m trying to disappear.”

“I see…”

The woman, who had been listening intently, suddenly raised her head and asked.

“Will that solve everything?”

“Well… It might be hard at first, but eventually, things will fall into place.”

The woman’s sharp observation left Lyla with no choice but to give an answer that was more hope than certainty. Fortunately, the woman didn’t criticize her for it. She simply asked gently.

“What about you?”

“Me? I…”

Lyla fell silent.

Would I be okay?

She couldn’t find her place. After all, such a place had never existed. Her life had already crossed an irreversible river.

“Somehow… I’ll manage, I guess.”

“Oh my! Haha.”

The woman, who had been serious until now, suddenly burst into laughter.

“Why… why are you laughing?”

Lyla asked, flustered. The woman waved her hand apologetically.

“Ahem. I’m sorry. I just found it amusing that someone so determined to take responsibility for everything could be so unprepared when it comes to their own life.”

Clearing her throat, the woman gestured toward the small bag at Lyla’s feet.

“For someone running far away, you sure don’t have much luggage.”

“Oh…”

The travel bag at her feet was far too modest to hold an entire life’s worth of belongings.

But it made sense. Her life had revolved around Kadis. Leaving behind the one who occupied the largest part of her world naturally meant her baggage would be light.

Lyla hung her head low, feeling like a criminal. The woman’s gaze softened with pity as she looked at her.

“Running away isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”

“…”

“But you should consider whether running is truly for your own sake. There’s no guarantee that the place you escape to will bring happiness, is there? In the end, we do these things for ourselves. Don’t you think?”

For yourself. Happiness. Doing it for your own sake.

The woman’s words weighed heavily on Lyla’s heart.

She felt lost.

She had never lived for herself. Even now, her actions weren’t for her own benefit.

Fidgeting with her nails, Lyla mulled over the woman’s words.

“Haha. You’re right. Now that I think about it, I really did run away without a plan. Thank you for your advice.”

Lyla let out a hollow laugh and bowed her head. She couldn’t think of anything else to say. All she felt was a deepening sense of disgust toward herself for being so impulsive and unprepared.

“It reminds me of my younger days—I ended up nagging without realizing it. Just think of it as something an old lady says and let it go in one ear and out the other.”

“No, it’s fine. It’s definitely something worth thinking about.”

Whether she could find an answer was another matter.

Before her thoughts could become more tangled, Lyla quickly changed the subject.

“By the way, you said you’re going to meet your husband?”

“Oh, yes, about that.”

The woman responded to the change in topic.

Her husband was stationed at the frontier. Due to his busy schedule, his leave had been canceled, so she and her son were traveling to see him instead.

“He looks great in blue, so I knitted him a scarf with blue yarn.”

“Wow, you’re very talented!”

The boy’s mother proudly showed off the scarf she had made for her husband. Lyla genuinely admired it. The care and effort put into it were evident.

The boy was overjoyed, saying his father had promised to take him to a delicious restaurant. His excitement was so contagious that even Lyla felt a flicker of anticipation.

Above all, it was clear how much this family cherished one another. No matter how far apart they were, such geographical limitations seemed meaningless to them.

That unwavering familial bond was dazzling, Lyla thought.