Deep Boredom - Part 4

No, that was none of Chedev’s business. No matter what, he had to ensure that Rasha remained within his reach, within his line of sight. That was the only thing that mattered to him. Otherwise, he might as well be dead. So, this action was somewhat reasonable.

Next time, when I bring her, I will put on the shackles.

I will bind her tightly, so she won’t move away from my side.

Of course, he didn’t intend to fill her life with restraints. When they calmly faced each other, had conversations, and shared their unspoken sincerity, if Rasha decided to stay by his side, then he would release her. Until then… if Rasha started struggling and injured her ankle, he would apply ointment when she fell asleep. If she felt stifled, he would embrace her and take a stroll in the garden.

Yeah, that works.

So, I must put on the shackles.

Shackles, shackles, shackles…..

In just a few steps from the bedroom to the living room, thoughts poured out like an explosion. However, the moment Chedev discovered a shadow sitting quietly on the living room sofa, the thoughts abruptly stopped.

Rasha, who enjoys looking out the panoramic window, was sitting there. Not as a ghost, but in reality. Even this felt like a dream. With a dizzying sensation, Chedev slowly closed and opened his eyes. He repeated this action several times. However, Rasha remained seated in that spot.

He approached her cautiously.

“…..I thought you were gone.”

He lowered himself, sitting in front of Rasha. Her gaze, which had been fixed on the view outside the window, met his. Chedev gently brushed her disheveled hair behind her ear and swallowed hard.

Rasha, who was observing him, let out a cold, disdainful smile.

“With all those knights parked outside, how am I supposed to leave?”

As Chedev suspected, Rasha had attempted to leave this bedroom the moment he fell asleep. However, her attempt was thwarted before she could even exit. The Duke’s knights, who had not been seen before, were firmly guarding the bedroom door.

She begged, pleaded, and even yelled in frustration, but they remained resolute, their expressions unyielding. The terrace that led outside was blocked as well.

Helplessly, Rasha had to sit on the living room sofa until Chedev woke up.

“Let me go.”

“No, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I told you. Your place is here, Rasha.”

“And why is that? Ah, because you need a woman who will cater to your needs whenever you want?”

Rasha muttered in a calm voice. In truth, she was partly to blame for her own frustration, but Chedev furrowed his brow as if he had been insulted. It went without saying that his inner turmoil was equally agonizing.

“Why….. would you say such things?”

“It’s not an untrue statement. Before we parted ways, you only sought me when it was convenient for you, didn’t you?”

Each word she uttered pierced his heart like a dagger. He never intended it that way, but if that’s how she felt, he had nothing to say. Thus, Chedev sealed his lips like a prisoner confessing his guilt. His gaze trembled, unable to find a foothold, before slowly landing on her rounded belly.

“…..It’s my child, isn’t it?”

“…..”

“Isn’t that right?”

He couldn’t bring himself to touch her belly, so he tightly held onto Rasha’s knees.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say anything…..”

“Could I have said it?”

“…..”

“If it were you….. Do you think I could have told a man whose love had grown cold that I was pregnant?”

“My love has never grown cold.”

“Lies. You said you were tired of me.”

“I told you, Rasha!”

“Then what was your attitude towards me?”

Chedev found himself with a tight throat, facing her eyes, which were now moist with tears. His heart shattered relentlessly in response to Rasha’s tearful gaze. Among those shattered pieces, all he could find was the regret that he had pondered obsessively in the past.

“What’s the difference between me, who listens to you obediently, and a personal whote? What’s the difference…..?”

Rasha forcefully removed his hand that was holding onto her knees.

Her initial composure gave way to a heavier atmosphere as their conversation progressed. The sense of relief she had felt, thinking everything was okay, was suddenly overturned, and it felt painfully clear. Those things he had dismissed as inconsequential, as if they could be completely discarded, were merely covered up by anger and still resided within her. Like a dark thread.

Chedev’s hand cut through the air. Rasha pushed his hand away, as if rejecting his touch that was wiping away the tears from her wet cheek. He clenched the hand that had been turned away and pressed his face against her knees.

“There hasn’t been a time when I didn’t love you. It’s sincere.”

“…..”

“I just….. got too accustomed to this relationship. That’s why.”

“…..”

“I’ve done things I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have treated you that way….. Every day felt like hell after you disappeared. I don’t even understand why I did that, I’ve berated myself like an idiot countless times.”

As he spoke, his emotions surged as well. The thought of seven years disappearing like scattered dust was both fearful and terrifying, and Chedev felt the same way.

The lovers who had been together for such a long time had long since become a significant part of each other’s lives. Rasha cherished that part, fearing she might lose it. On the other hand, the foolish one had become so accustomed to it that he easily destroyed and shattered their relationship.

Only after Rasha left did he painfully realize how she had been struggling alone to protect their relationship.

Thus, he found himself in a situation where he had no words, even if he had ten mouths. He also wanted to prostrate himself before her, knowing his mistake, and desperately plead and act pitiful. In front of Rasha, he was willing to throw away his pride and dignity. He had been doing that since seven years ago, and now, having lost something precious while being momentarily blinded by familiarity, he felt it even more strongly.

“I love you, Rasha.”

“…..”

“I….. I was wrong.”

Rasha didn’t offer any response. It felt as if she didn’t even give him a chance to seek forgiveness. Chedev, feeling a lump in his throat, embraced her. He tried to kiss her, but Rasha turned her head to avoid it. Despite his persistent attempts to press his lips against hers, she did not yield an inch.

It was he who had caused her to change so drastically. If he could swing a sword and shoot himself, he would do it again and again.

“I….. I can’t trust you.”

“Rasha.”

“I want to leave, please let me go.”

Rasha reiterated the demand she had been making since earlier. Chedev momentarily held his breath at the sense of his chest constricting. The mere fact that she uttered those words made him feel like he was already crumbling. If he let her go this time, he thought he might truly be unable to undo it.

The bedroom, where he would be left alone, would turn into a living hell.

“I love you.”

“…..”

“That’s why you can’t.”

“What do you mean I can’t……?”

“You need to stay here.”

It felt as if she was conversing with the wall. Rasha’s gaze blurred, and she thought of the knights she had stationed outside the bedroom door. A strange bitterness welled up in her heart.

“…..Are you trying to confine me?”

“If necessary.”

What Rasha saw in Chedev’s eyes, so close to her, was by no means an exaggeration or a deviation from sanity. A sharp madness that was previously unseen was now clearly present in his eyes, flickering.

“Stay by my side, Rasha.”

Of course, the corresponding profound madness also vividly revealed itself.