Deep Boredom - Part 1

A strange cohabitation began.

In fact, initially, Rasha described it as ‘confinement’ or ‘captivity,’ but those words seemed somewhat awkward. She received such excessive and courteous treatment to be called such a thing.

Meals were served promptly, and regular check-ups by the attending physician were not neglected considering her pregnancy. Other than the change of location, there was hardly any difference from her life at the Count’s estate.

Even while attending to his official duties, Chedev returned to the bedroom multiple times as if there was some separation anxiety. He didn’t do anything special when he came. He just checked to make sure Rasha was safe and then left. He repeated this all day long. His previously smooth work progress was disrupted by an unnecessarily busy and distracted attitude.

And even at night, he was not at ease.

Rasha would fall asleep on the sofa in the reception room before he finished his work and returned. After dinner, she would already start dozing off and had a hard time staying awake. So she fell asleep and woke up with some inexplicable sense and found herself on the bed. Chedev was lying behind her. He would sleep while tightly holding Rasha with his strong arms, just like before.

Then Rasha would move his arm aside and sluggishly get up and go back to the reception room. She would lie down on the spacious sofa again and fall into a light sleep. Soon after, when she woke up, she was back on the bed. This strange sequence of events repeated for several days. It was truly a silent struggle in the middle of the night.

It was an unavoidable situation. Rasha didn’t want to fall asleep with him, and Chedev couldn’t sleep well without her. But it was impractical for both of them to sleep on the sofa in the reception room with Chedev’s large physique. Despite being unable to achieve a restful sleep due to their relationship, they never gave in.

Until a few days before their separation, Chedev’s daily routine of leaving early and returning in the middle of the night had changed somewhat. Previously, he had no days off and now, two or three times a week, he would stay in the bedroom with Rasha.

During that time, he was not resting. He would stick to Rasha and follow her around persistently. Avoiding him was only possible for a day or two, but now Rasha was exhausted and let him do whatever he wanted.

Being confined to the bedroom with nothing to do, Rasha picked up embroidery again. Before, it was for Chedev, but now it was for the unborn baby. She never received proper education, so she couldn’t read books, and she had no other hobbies to speak of. Embroidery was all she could do.

One day, it rained.

Rasha was sitting on the plush velvet sofa, embroidering, when she glanced up. Chedev, who had been watching her while lying on the bed, had fallen into a deep sleep. With the chaos he caused every night and the busy official duties during the day, it was no wonder he was tired.

Rasha stared at him in silence. The shadows under his eyes were still dark, as if to prove that he hadn’t had a comfortable time since she returned. The atmosphere, strangely sharpened and unrefined, was the same. Of course, he had never directed that sharp and fierce atmosphere towards her.

As Rasha’s gaze slid, it landed on his right arm.

“……”

From the moment they reunited, his arm was wrapped in bandages. It extended from the back of his hand to below his elbow.

Chedev had never shown that injured area in front of her. Seeing him put on fresh bandages every day, without any smell or stain, indicated that he tightly wrapped his arm outside the bedroom. Occasionally, he would instinctively use that arm and then grimace, as if feeling pain from the injury.

Even during the days when he frequently went on expeditions, she had never witnessed him being injured for such a long time. That made ger worry despite her unwillingness.

Rasha quickly adapted to his attitude of sticking to her side and not letting go. In retrospect, it wasn’t a sudden change in his demeanor. Throughout the many hours they had spent together before succumbing to boredom, his attitude had been like that. Instead, his demeanor before their farewell, when he was aloof or indifferent, seemed out of the ordinary.

No matter what she did, he would stay close to her, pressing his skin against hers as if he would die without touching her, habitually brushing his lips and demanding kisses, and insisting on placing her on his lap even when it wasn’t necessary. The Chedev before becoming accustomed to this relationship was exactly the way he was now. It was a phrase that Rasha knew all too well within the seven years of their time together.

So, it was more appropriate to express it as him having returned rather than having changed.

Rasha felt an unbearable heaviness from that realization.

“……Ha.”

She quietly rose, exhaling a faint sigh that reflected her emotions. Rasha approached the door and cautiously opened it. She met the eyes of the knight who was guarding the door. The owner of the quite familiar face was the knight, Verhine.

“What can I do for you?”

“I want to go for a walk.”

“His Excellency…..”

“He’s asleep.”

“I apologize.”

Verhine lowered his waist with a courteous attitude. Rasha could only go out when she was with Chedev. However, when she was actually with him, she didn’t want to ask for anything and ended up sealing her requests, resulting in a situation where proper conversations couldn’t take place.

“Please, I’m asking for a favor.”

“I’m sorry, Miss Rasha.”

“…..It feels suffocating to the point of death.”

Verhine’s shoulders twitched slightly at her words.

“If things continue like this, I might get depression.”

“……”

“Our baby will also be affected by my state…”

“If you could ask His Excellency…”

“He hasn’t slept in a long time. I don’t want to wake him up.”

Verhine’s expression was engulfed in conflict. The master’s command was absolute for a knight. Therefore, it was concluded that reason was out of the question. However, Rasha’s every word left a lingering impact that shook Verhine’s conscience. Moreover, the reason she couldn’t casually disregard Rasha’s words was because she was not alone. There was even a nobleman’s baby in her womb.

“Are you afraid I’ll run away?”

Verhine didn’t respond, but it was no different from affirmation. Rasha gently touched her slightly more prominent belly than before and spoke.

“How far could I possibly get in this condition, especially with this weather?”

It was a quite persuasive argument. With her pregnancy making her body heavier, Rasha hadn’t been able to run properly recently. It had been the same at the Count’s estate, which is why she had been caught easily by Chedev.

However, not only this place but the security of the entire mansion had been reinforced by the Duke’s orders. Even if Verhine couldn’t catch her, there were knights ready to detain her all around. Escaping as easily as before was nothing but a dream. Furthermore, it was raining today, and the visibility was limited and dark. Even if she tried to escape, it wouldn’t be easy in many ways.

“…..Then, please allow me to accompany you closely.”

“Are you going to follow as a knight?”

“Yes.”

Rasha briefly pondered and nodded soon after. She realized that was the extent to which she could retreat.

Verhine instructed a passing servant to bring an umbrella and robe. She also asked the other knights to inform her immediately if the Duke were to wake up. Even though she wanted to personally report, entry to the Duke’s bedroom was prohibited without permission. Since the person who needed to grant permission was sleeping inside, they had no other options.

The fresh outdoor air, which she hadn’t enjoyed in a long time, felt refreshing despite being saturated with moisture due to the drizzle. Verhine reached out her hand as if to hold her. It was not only a gesture of support but also an intention to somehow keep Rasha in check. Seeing Chedev’s recent, vacant demeanor, she fully understood their concerns.

“…..”

Rasha hesitated, staring at that hand, then slowly held it.

Verhine politely held the umbrella, supporting her step by careful step. The knight, who had initially stiffened her entire body, unsure when an unexpected situation might arise, gradually relaxed as Rasha showed no sign of actually attempting to escape.

The landscape of the garden, which she walked through after a long time, delighted her eyes with its various colors. Although she had been away for a while, she couldn’t shake off the familiar feeling that had seeped into her heart. This place felt somewhat comfortable.

In truth, Rasha found life at Count Lippe’s estate somewhat uncomfortable. It was definitely not because Kaim was being cautious or anything of the sort. On the contrary, as time went by, he took care of her with even more meticulousness.

The issue lied in something fundamentally different from Kaim’s attitude towards her. No matter how much she slept, ate, or took walks there, she couldn’t erase the feeling that it was someone else’s home.

On the other hand, this place was as cozy as returning to a familiar location. It was the same in the bedroom she shared with Chedev, not just the garden. Quite some time had passed since she returned due to his intervention. The feeling of discomfort lasted for only a day or two. Afterward, she couldn’t deny that she was getting used to this kind of life, as if finding her place once again.

When she thought about it, there was only one thing that had changed between the past and the present—the way Chedev felt towards her. As his feelings returned to their original state, Rasha was also reclaiming her former position.

As she felt in the bedroom, that fact engulfed her in an inescapable heaviness. It wasn’t just heaviness, it was a complex and ambivalent feeling.

“…..I thought he had forgotten about me.”

Verhine, who had been walking silently, lifted her head when Rasha unexpectedly spoke.

“From the bits and pieces I’ve heard, he seemed to be doing fine.”

“…..?”

“I thought someone like me would be easily forgotten……”

“He haven’t forgotten for a single moment.”

“…..”

“And he haven’t been doing well.”

It was a kind of lament, but Verhine added words filled with conviction. When she turned her head, the loyal knight of the Duke was staring at her without a trace of falsehood.

“He has longed for you all this time and regretted the past incessantly.”

In the few years that she had served by his side, Verhine had never seen such a disarrayed master. The Duke had never shown this level of confusion and frustration, not even when his parents passed away or when he faced defeat in a war that the Emperor had placed high hopes on. It felt as if she was witnessing his biggest failure in life right beside him.

This incident directly showed how much of an influential presence Rasha was to him. Those who hadn’t realized it were left dumbfounded, while those who already knew felt their tongues tied anew.

“Have you heard about His Excellency’s engagement being called off?”

Rasha nodded slightly.

“I must be cautious in delivering these words… but I heard that Marquis Robeni mentioned you in front of His Excellency. I couldn’t grasp the exact content, but His Excellency became furious at his statement and exerted his power against Marquis Robeni. As a result, it led to the engagement being broken off.”

Startled by the unexpected story, Rasha’s steps came to a sudden halt. The image of Kaim, who used to babble in front of her like a jester, came to mind. It seemed that the broken engagement was due to the power he wielded…

Marquis Robeni mentioned me? Upon hearing those words, Rasha speculated that the mention must have been deeply insulting, considering the story she heard about Chedev becoming furious.

“Furthermore, after dealing with urgent matters, His Excellency headed to Tigris and visited the surrounding imperial territories, all in search of you.”

“How do he know that I was planning to go to Tigris…..”

Verhine briefly explained in response to her question. After hearing the whole story of his journey, Rasha could roughly understand the time he had spent sending her messages. It also explained why he said things like ‘I’m glad you’re safe’ when he saw her.

“Did he think I was dead?”

When the soiled handkerchief was found, it was said that he’s been greatly disheartened. Then, coincidentally, he discovered a pickpocket and learned that she was heading to Tigris, so he immediately left for there.

When he found her, he was overcome with intense relief. It was only now that Rasha realized that the man she’d thought had forgotten her and moved on with his life was actually focused solely on finding her.

“What is the bandage on his arm?”

No matter what she asked, Verhine’s lips suddenly sealed, as if unable to disclose any information. She looked at Rasha with a guilty expression, unable to withstand her piercing gaze.

“Then I’ll just ask this. Does that injury also have something to do with me?”

After a moment of hesitation, Verhine nodded slightly.

An injury related to her, and an issue that even as a subordinate she couldn’t dare to mention. With only that clue, Rasha had a faint sense of understanding. If her speculation was indeed true… a suffocating feeling twisted her insides. Despite taking a deep breath and exhaling, the oppressive feeling, like black smoke, did not dissipate.

Suddenly, the direction of the wind shifted.