“I was having tea in the garden when a golden lion approached and acted affectionate like a cat. When it suddenly tried to climb on my lap I said no, that there was no place for it to sit, but it insisted on taking the spot.”

Then Alisa started going on about how there was something called prophetic pregnancy dreams where she lived.

She continued with hopeful guesses about what kind of baby it might be based on the dream’s contents, saying ‘since it was a lion dream it might be a boy, since it was golden it might look like you.’

Rashid found it strange.

That she seemed happy.

Like someone who had been waiting for exactly this moment….

And he realized he wasn’t as happy as she was.

For a moment thinking this wasn’t right, Rashid hurriedly tried to change his expression to hide that emotion.

“……Why?”

But it was useless in front of Alisa. She had reached the level of reading certain thoughts even in Rashid’s expressionless face.

“Is there some problem?”

Alisa tilted her head sideways and drooped her eyebrows. She seemed disappointed by his unexpected reaction. She probably imagined a face breaking into a bright smile of joy.

Though he felt somewhat resentful of himself for not being able to give her what she wanted, it couldn’t be helped. Because that vague, indescribable emotion was genuine.

“Do you want to enjoy married life more?”

Alisa got up and approached Rashid’s side. Then she held his cheeks and asked tenderly.

Rashid didn’t answer and only showed a faint smile while overlapping his hands on top of hers.

“We’ve been newlyweds for 3 years, was that not enough?”

“Mm.”

“Really, what should I do with you being such a child?”

Alisa laughed as if she couldn’t help it while lightly chiding him. Liking that, Rashid gently embraced her waist.

That this small, delicate body contained her and his child—it was simply unbelievable.

“Since it’s your child, it will be incredibly beautiful.”

“Is that so.”

“Aren’t you happy?”

“No. I am happy.”

It wasn’t a lie. Half of him was. How could he not be happy that the woman he loved more than anyone was carrying his child.

But the problem was that the other half wasn’t.

“It will be good to have a child. We need to think about the ducal family’s heir now too.”

Heir. Hearing those words made his mood even more desolate. He had vaguely thought it would happen someday and put it aside, but now that it became an immediate reality, he was confused about how to accept it.

Rationally, he knew this was very good news. The legitimate child of a duke and duchess would be treated as the family’s heir, and a ducal house with an heir would operate more stably.

It was good from the perspective of lovers and spouses too. A child with the person you love—what a sweet-sounding combination of words. A child born from her would be so lovely. Though he couldn’t love them as much as Alisa, he would cherish them nearly as much.

Though his head understood all this, his heart couldn’t keep up.

And that made him anxious.

“Rashid.”

Perhaps her too.

Her voice calling his name had slight thorns in it. She seemed to have noticed all his lukewarm feelings. No use pretending to be happy. She possessed keener and swifter senses than anyone at detecting Rashid’s emotions.

“……If you hate the child that much.”

She pouted her lips and frowned.

“Inside……”

Hup. Rashid’s hand quickly covered Alisa’s mouth. The words that were about to follow slid back into her mouth, blocked by his firm hand.

“……Alisa.” 

Alisa discontentedly grabbed his hand with both of hers and removed it. Since he had succeeded in stopping her words for now, Rashid obediently released his strength and let her do as she wished.

“Am I wrong?”

“No, I mean……”

“For how often you’ve done it at all hours……”

This time he covered her mouth with his other hand that she hadn’t grabbed. In an instant he felt dissatisfied eyes pouring silent reproach toward him.

Alisa didn’t try to remove his hand anymore and just stared at him intently. Her reproachful gaze sparkled like topaz. Rashid let out a light sigh and pulled her onto his lap. Alisa leaned her body docilely without showing signs of rejection.

“I don’t know…. What’s the problem? I thought you would be very happy.”

“I am happy.”

“Liar.”

“Really. I’m so happy and joyful.”

“Tch.”

Alisa hit Rashid’s chest with her small fist. It didn’t hurt at all since no strength was put into it.

“I’m just surprised.”

“Surprised?”

“Yes.”

He gently stroked Alisa’s cheek. Alisa stayed still as if enjoying that touch.

“That I’m becoming a father.”

“……”

“I feel like I need proper resolve for that.”

“Mm.”

“That’s why.”

When he spoke sincerely and carefully, Alisa seemed somewhat convinced. She grabbed Rashid’s hand tightly.

“If that’s what it is, I’ll accept it.”

Then she placed his hand on her belly. The place where their very small child was growing was still flat with no trace of the baby to be felt.

“But you’ll love them, right?”

“……Yes. Of course.”

Rashid continued slowly.

“You promised.”

“Yes.”

When he answered like that, Alisa finally smiled again.

* * *

The night deepened.

Rashid stroked the forehead of Alisa who was sound asleep.

She had fallen into the world of sleep after saying ‘So until things stabilize… we can’t. They said we can’t.’ She seemed to know everything he had been thinking discontentedly about.

Even if she hadn’t known, he wasn’t so indiscriminate as to be unable to suppress his desires now that he did know. Especially when she cherished the baby in her womb that hadn’t even taken human form yet so preciously.

If it’s something Alisa cherishes, I should cherish it too. Rashid’s thought process worked that way.

But what if he didn’t think that way?

What were his true feelings?

Rashid held her and fell into thought. As he breathed in Alisa’s clear flower scent, he felt his unstably wavering chest gradually stabilizing.

A child. That I’m becoming a father…

When he realized that fact, the first face that flashed through his mind was Natalie’s. Mother. The woman who gave birth to him, and also tried to kill him.

The next person he thought of was his father. The man who proudly ordered an education befitting an heir while teaching him, but that was all as he neglected Natalie’s persistent hatred.

His brother who didn’t hide his inferiority complex and jealousy. His sister who swayed like a reed following them.

Like a beautiful sculpture crafted from thin glass, precarious and dangerous.

Something that sharply shatters and wounds once its limit is exceeded.

That was his family.

The days he spent with them were painful times without gentle words or affectionate emotions, where he couldn’t relax for a moment as if he’s walking on dangerously cold blades.

Could I, born and raised in such a family, normally love a child?

That was Rashid’s question.

And anxious assumptions followed that question.

What if I can’t properly love my child? What should I do if that ends up hurting Alisa?

He felt he absolutely couldn’t bear it if she ever looked at him with cold eyes. He had no confidence in enduring the darkness and cold of a place where Alisa’s light had disappeared.

If he had never known from the start that might be different, but how could he not miss that warmth and dazzling radiance he had already come to know? How could he not miss the woman who gave up everything for his sake and stayed with him?

Rashid put more strength into the arms holding her.

Without confidence in fully loving the child, useless thoughts chained together and ate away at his mind.

He should just be happy. Just embrace and smile as she does, that’s all he needed to do.

On one hand, worries kept arising about whether he, who had the blood of a woman who couldn’t help but hate even the son she bore, could properly take care of a child.

No, I’m different from Natalie. I won’t become like her.

How could I not love Alisa’s child?

But what kind of love could I, who grew up without receiving love, give to a child? Could I judge what is right and wrong for a child? What if my words and actions unknowingly become wounds to the child?

Rashid tightly closed his eyes and tried to ignore the self-questions endlessly multiplying within him. They were miserable questions he couldn’t cut off because he didn’t know the answers.

So for now, he decided to fall asleep beside Alisa.

Because in this world, only this one woman could save him.

While forcefully suppressing the harsh anxiety welling up in his heart, Rashid closed his eyes.

It was a night without end in sight.

* * *

Slap! The solid cane left a fierce mark on Rashid’s soft calf. Over that, red lines were carved again and again while drops of blood rose from burst skin.