Chapter 11 – Do you think I am a stud horse?

“I’m going to sleep here tonight.”

When I declared this, my mother was startled and widened her eyes.

“You’re staying the night?”

“Is that not okay?”

“Of course it is. I’m just surprised because it’s the first time you’ve said such a thing since getting married.”

“I’ll sleep with you tonight, Mother.”

Only then did my mother seem to realize that I needed comfort.

“Oh, my dear.”

She hugged me. I, in turn, acted childishly and fell asleep in the same bed as my mom for the first time in ages. Although I was worried about whether I should send a message to the Keppel duchy, I didn’t want to explain what had happened today.

One day should be fine.

It wasn’t unusual for ladies to party until dawn and return home the next day, so I didn’t think Mother would worry particularly.

I slept in late at my mother’s townhouse, enjoyed a leisurely brunch, and then took a walk in the nearby park with Benjamin and Mother before returning to the Keppel duchy in the afternoon.

Spending a relaxing time for the first time in a while felt somewhat healing. I entered the Keppel family home feeling a bit better. But the atmosphere inside the mansion felt unusually cold. I hurriedly asked the butler, Vanon, who came to greet me.

“Is something wrong?”

“The master is here.”

“…Really?”

It was strange that the homeowner was here after such a long time, and the atmosphere was tense. Moreover, it wasn’t even time for him to be home. Regardless, I thought I should go greet my mother-in-law since it was my first time staying out overnight. However, Vanon suddenly stopped me.

“Madam.”

“What is it, Vanon?”

“The master and the Dowager Duchess are having a conversation right now…”

Interpreting this as a request not to disturb them, I smiled slightly and said,

“I’ll just say hello and leave. I’m tired too.”

I wanted to rest quickly. Yesterday’s events had hurt me as well, and I was exhausted.

I needed enough rest to shamelessly reappear in social circles. I moved obligatorily. But soon, I understood why Vanon tried to stop me. I heard my mother-in-law’s cold voice.

“When will you fulfill your duties?”

“…”

“How long will you let her suffer such humiliation? I am ashamed to face the duchess. If you had been her partner from the start, or if there was a child between you two, Liv wouldn’t have to endure this. Stop being immature and think about continuing the family line. How long will you be selfish?”

I was shocked and stood frozen. I wanted to either stop my mother-in-law or run away, but my feet felt glued to the spot. Through the slightly open door, I could see Ian standing with his head bowed, looking guilty.

“Think of the family. Do you think you’re the only couple married without love? Everyone does and still lives well. I’m not asking much from you.”

“…”

“If you have and raise a child, you will come to love Liv. Stop with the dirty emotions…”

“No.”

Ian, who had been listening quietly, raised his head with a sharp gaze. My mother-in-law, taken aback by his rebellious look, fell silent.

“Do you think I am a stud horse? I am also a person, Mother.”

With that, Ian turned his back on her. As he walked out briskly, he saw me and stopped.

I thought I had to explain quickly. I didn’t ask Mother to say those things. She’s speaking on her own.

But the words I wanted to say were stuck in my throat. Ian looked at me with sad eyes for a moment, then passed by without a word. Only after his footsteps faded did I start to move.

My mother-in-law was sitting in an armchair, holding her head. She seemed to be having another bout of her chronic headache and didn’t seem to notice my entrance. I didn’t know what to say. Should I apologize for staying out and causing this trouble? That would be the right thing to do if I wanted to stay on her good side, but the words that came out of my mouth were completely different.

“You are wrong, Mother.”

She slowly lifted her head to look at me. I began to tremble, but it wasn’t out of fear of her.

I resented her more than I feared her. In the original story, since it was narrated from the female protagonist Celia’s perspective, Ian’s emotions were rarely described. But there was one part where Ian’s psychology was openly revealed when he compared Celia to his mother, Adriana.

“Mother would have abandoned me.”

Ian was a character who longed for maternal love. He wanted to fill the void by seeing the motherly love he never received in Celia, who was trying to protect her child.

I knew this, but it was the first time it hit me so hard.

Ian had been living away from home for almost the entire marriage, and Mother-in-law had initially been indifferent to me as well.

However, as I made an effort, I could feel her gaze towards me gradually changing, so I had complacently thought that their strained relationship would eventually improve.

But it wasn’t like that.

The more I watched, the more I realized Mother-in-law was excessively cold to Ian, to an extent unimaginable for a mother. The affection she showed me was something she completely withheld from Ian.

I came to understand the Ian who had been so cold to me. How much must he have resented me, who appeared and took away the motherly affection he so longed for in just a few years? Finally, I burst into tears. My mother-in-law staggered towards me. She gently caressed my cheek. I resented that gentleness.

“You are wrong, Mother.”

I whispered in a tearful voice.

“I know. Even if I forcefully have a child, Ian won’t love that child.”

My mother-in-law’s hand slowly moved away from me. Her already pale face turned whiter and then blue. Seeing this, I quickly reached out.

“Mother?”

I caught my mother-in-law’s collapsing body like a doll and urgently checked her breathing. Hearing her faint breaths, I felt relieved yet fearful. Reciting verses from the scriptures, I poured out my holy power, and her color slowly began to return.

“Vanon! Vanon!”

Someone heard my call and started running towards me.

“Call the doctor!”

***

The family doctor said that my mother-in-law had become weak due to stress and needed to rest without doing anything for a while. I stayed by her side until she woke up. I felt uneasy because it seemed like I had pushed her too hard. She woke up the next morning at dawn.

“Liv.”

I was dozing off and woke up startled by her voice.

“Mother.”

I checked the time as soon as I got up and saw that it was still before dawn.

“Are you alright?”

“…Have you been here the whole time?”

Instead of answering, I poured water into a cup. I helped her sit up by propping a pillow behind her back and handed her the cup. After taking a sip, she hesitated and asked,

“Does Ian know that I collapsed?”

“I didn’t tell him.”

Her face brightened a little.

“Well done. Don’t tell him.”

“Has this happened before?”

“No…”

“You’re not lying, are you?”

Her sudden loss of words made it clear that she had collapsed before.

“Let’s meet with a priest tomorrow.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“Should I go get one?”

“Liv, it’s just a weak heart. It’s nothing serious.”

I couldn’t understand.

“Does Ian know?”

“He doesn’t.”

“Why not?”

“It started after I gave birth to him.”

I fell silent at her words. How could she possibly tell him that her weakened condition was due to giving birth to him? I was stunned to realize that her glamorous yet somewhat frail beauty was because she was actually frail.

‘Is that why you are so cold to Ian? Because you got sick after giving birth to him?’ For the first time, I wanted to ask why she resented Ian, but I bit my lip and held back.

Not all parents love their children. In my past life, I wasn’t loved, and neither was Benjamin. Whatever reason for her indifference, I couldn’t understand it. Instead, I decided to ask something else.

“Why are you kind to me?”

Mother looked at me with a puzzled expression. It seemed she was startled that I was asking such a question for the first time.

‘Why are you kind to me while being indifferent to everything else? If you had been indifferent to me too, Ian would have been a little less hurt.’

I lifted the corners of my lips to smile, but tears began to fall again.

Why do my eyes lack the sense to stop crying at every little thing? I needed to say something to break the awkwardness, but my lips opened and closed like a fish’s, spewing nonsense.

“Because you’re kind to me, I keep having expectations.”

What am I saying? What nonsense am I spouting?

“So, what I mean is…”

Mother grabbed my fumbling hand. Then she quietly stroked it. I choked up again and blurted out nonsense.

“I keep hoping that I might belong here.”

It would be better to keep my mouth shut. I wanted to hit my foolishly blabbering mouth, but Mother was holding my hand, so I couldn’t.

She spoke softly.

“Liv, this is your home.”

Leaving my mother-in-law, who had fallen asleep again, I returned to my bedroom. Seeing her awake brought some relief, but my situation hadn’t changed, so anxiety surged from time to time.

In my fitful sleep, I dreamt of holding her affection hostage to threaten Ian. Even after waking up, I couldn’t shake off the self-loathing.