Saul, who had unconsciously tried to step back, bumped his back against the sofa’s backrest. He coughed briefly. Catherine moved closer, almost like she was going to embrace him.
There was nowhere to retreat. Saul saw the shadow falling over him, Catherine’s rounded shoulders leaning in, and her jet-black hair cascading down.
“You were trying to send me away. If I had turned around, you would have let me leave, pretending nothing happened.”
Then he stared into her eyes that pierced him. Those deep eyes were trembling. Saul unconsciously dropped his gaze, seemingly avoiding her eyes. He briefly scanned her bitten lips, her tense cheeks, her contorted eye area. “You don’t even want to know why I tried to stay by your side.” Catherine’s whispering voice wavered aimlessly.
Saul looked at Catherine with a blank expression. He examined her disheveled face that seemed both to be suppressing anger and holding back tears. Even so, Catherine was beautiful. In truth, Catherine would be beautiful no matter what expression she wore.
“Why me, of all people?”
Saul asked blankly. He still couldn’t understand why Catherine was so angry.
“Because I want you.”
But why? Catherine’s words weren’t much of an answer. For Saul, it was incomprehensible that someone would love a man who had absolutely nothing lovable about him. Because of this, Saul murmured:
“Catherine, you need to love… someone better.”
For instance, someone healthier who could be faithful to her for a long time… At that moment, Saul recalled his younger brother who had distanced himself long ago.
The last time he saw his brother, he had grown into a handsome young man. Perhaps if he were with Catherine… the two of them would make a strikingly beautiful pair.
“You were the one who proposed to me.”
But that thought didn’t last long. Saul saw Catherine’s eyebrows contort. “And I accepted.” With those words that followed, he realized he had said something foolish.
“Are you telling me to commit adultery?”
Saul, forgetting his attempt to avoid Catherine, grabbed her shoulders in shock.
“No, that’s not—”
He stammered in confusion.
“Catherine, don’t misunderstand. I just…”
Saul certainly didn’t mean it that way. He just wanted Catherine to… Saul moved his lips. But in the end, no proper excuse came out.
“I don’t believe you.”
And naturally, Saul’s attitude didn’t comfort Catherine. Looking at the perplexed Saul, Catherine stepped back. She seemed to realize that Saul’s unintentional words were sincere. Slowly distancing herself from Saul, she looked deeply hurt.
“You’ll run away again.”
Saul didn’t know what to do. Unable to either hold Catherine back or let her go, he repeatedly reached out his hand only to withdraw it.
“And you’ll try to abandon me again.”
“Catherine.”
But unable to bear those words, Saul couldn’t help but call her name in a somewhat reproachful tone. He stopped hesitating and reached out. Grabbing Catherine’s hand, which wasn’t far away, he pulled her toward him. Catherine meekly walked closer to Saul, following his pull without resistance. Saul kissed her knuckles deeply as a gesture of comfort and apology.
“Don’t I even deserve to be by your side?”
Looking down at Saul, Catherine asked. Her breath, brushing against his nose, crumbled. Saul raised his head. Looking up at Catherine who was looking down at him, he shook his head. The one who didn’t deserve wasn’t her, but Saul himself.
“Let me help carry your burden.”
Catherine whispered. Saul saw moisture glistening in Catherine’s eyes. He reached out. Cupping Catherine’s cheek, he carefully wiped beneath her eyes with his fingertips. Warm moisture rolled under his fingernail, then quickly soaked in and pooled. Saul warned:
“You’ll regret it.”
“If you run away like that, you’re bound to regret whatever choice you make.”
But despite his warning, Catherine asserted. Catherine embraced Saul. Saul hugged and caressed the back of this strong yet pitiful person who nestled into his arms.
Saul thought to himself. Well, perhaps Catherine was right. If he ran away, a day of regret might come. But would that be better than putting Catherine in danger? Saul kissed Catherine’s tear-stained cheek for a long time.
Saul’s worries continued deep into the night. By Catherine’s side while she slept, Saul mulled over their last conversation. Caressing her clear face, now free of flushed excitement, Saul examined her carefully, like someone trying not to forget.
“If you forgot everything, wouldn’t you be able to leave?”
Saul murmured. But when Saul had asked that, Catherine answered:
“I might fall in love with you again.”
Saul didn’t respond to that. Because he had kissed her, Catherine probably didn’t notice that he deliberately didn’t answer. She might have considered it a frivolous question and soon forgotten about it. But Saul couldn’t.
‘No, you wouldn’t.’
Ruminating on that conversation until late at night, Saul didn’t voice the answer that finally came to him. He merely gently caressed Catherine’s closed eyes, then dropped his hand and rose from his seat.
Returning to his office with a candlestick, Saul pushed aside the letter he had been writing and the dried quill. Then he felt along the bottom of the desk, finding a recessed groove. When he pressed it, there was a click as the lock released. Saul opened the bottom drawer of the desk.
From there, he took out a clean, blank card. He picked up the pen and wrote:
[Can one erase another’s memories?]
Neither addressing the recipient nor waiting for a reply took much time. When Saul put down the pen and closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them, the reply had already arrived.
[If you wish.]
Saul briefly checked the slightly shortened length of the candle, trying to gauge how much time had passed that he couldn’t remember. It didn’t seem like much time had elapsed. After watching the candle wax flow for a moment, Saul picked up the pen again.
[What I want is.]
[Anything.]
Saul’s eyebrows rose and fell upon seeing the reply. Anything. Saul pondered the phrase written on the card. Throughout his dealings with the evil thing, there had never been a time when it didn’t demand something. Saul looked down at the card suspiciously for a moment, but the words written on it didn’t change.
There might be some scheme. Saul suddenly raised his head. He stared at the bookshelf positioned to one side, at the empty space between. After hesitating for a moment, he wrote on a new card:
[Do not covet what belongs to others.]
Belatedly, the thought crossed his mind that the evil thing wouldn’t covet Catherine, who wasn’t of Cavendish blood. Thinking he had worried needlessly, Saul put down his pen. But amusingly, when he blinked again, he realized that the evil thing’s reply was written on the card in front of him.
[You are sin.]
Who indeed is coveting what isn’t theirs? He could almost hear the evil thing’s mocking laughter. Saul knew that the evil thing was condemning him, and that the conversation with the evil thing had ended with this.
After looking down at it for a moment, Saul soon pushed the card aside. Then he reopened the unfinished letter.
He carefully read the letter he had stopped writing, lightly tapping the desk with the back of his pen. Tap. Tap. It didn’t take long for the regular sound to cease. Saul soon rolled the pen in his hand, then gripped it properly.
[I’m sorry, Eli. This will likely be the last letter I send to you. If you have any letters I’ve sent in the past, please burn them all, including this one. Leaving stories about ‘it’ would endanger many people, including yourself. So no matter what happens, I ask that everything remain secret, for my sake and for those I love.
My dear Eli, I confess that perhaps I knew from the beginning. Under the fate God assigned me, I could never be embraced in God’s arms.
Long ago, I couldn’t understand what these prophecies bestowed upon me were meant for. However, looking back, if my imperfect purpose specifically designated by God is to condemn ‘its’ existence, if by doing so I can protect my people, I willingly submit. I will do anything to protect my people.
Eli, I want you to know that your advice, as my longtime friend and mentor, has always given me great strength. I always keep your counsel in mind, but being foolish, I sometimes find it difficult to follow. I’m sorry. I have once again made a deal with ‘it.’
You may condemn me, but please understand that I had neither time nor method left. Without ‘it,’ I would have had no chance to reverse everything. I know this might remain merely as my arrogance. But I simply couldn’t abandon that person who offered to willingly share my burden.
Dear Eli. If I had more time, do you truly believe much would have changed? Unfortunately, I don’t think so at all. Perhaps, as you advised, I should have been more honest. However, I know that even so, it wouldn’t have changed our fate.
I try not to regret. Making a deal with ‘it’ was the best option for me. That person is too good for me and deserves a better connection. I hope to remain a cold and unworthy man to them, so that eventually I’ll be forgotten.
Eli. Thank you for staying by my side for so long. And for watching over David, who is no longer small. I’ve received help from you that I can never repay.
If the time comes soon to send David back, I would appreciate if you wouldn’t say anything to him so he can be vigilant and protect himself. I’m sorry to make such a request until the very end.
xx72. 10. xx. With respect, Saul.]
Translator
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Pitidri
Realmente acaba assim? Não tem mais nenhum capítulo?
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O filho é de Saul mesmo e ele que pediu para apagar a memória dela, mas ela ainda se apaixonou por ele novamente… mas realmente terminou assim?
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Foi uma história misteriosa e os capítulos se arrastavam em palavras e ações repetitivas, tem uma boa narrativa, mas é um pouco cansativo… mesmo assim queria mais alguns capítulos para poder finalizar de forma mais gratificante