Under Catherine’s dazed gaze, young Saul moved his lips with an equally dazed expression. With blood-stained hands, holding his young brother, he whispered while moving his lips. 

Though there was enough distance between Catherine and young Saul that the sound of his whispering into his mouth shouldn’t have been audible, strangely, Saul’s whisper could be heard clearly like placing an ear close to his lips.

Even his tear-soaked voice and the rough breathing mixed within it…

“…It’s not mother’s fault.”

It seemed like making excuses, or perhaps being confused about how to explain this situation. 

Not mother… He muttered almost trapping the sound inside his mouth, then shut his mouth tightly like swallowing something unbearable.

“I…”

Young Saul hesitated for several seconds, then slowly opened his mouth again. However, his voice soon broke because unstable breaths that rose through his sniffling hit his nose. And it didn’t continue clearly after that. 

Only Catherine heard the barely audible apology for unknown reasons.

I’m sorry, it was my fault… That whisper, which reached none of those who should have heard it, was the last. Embracing his whimpering young brother, young Saul couldn’t continue speaking and dropped his head.

* * *

He couldn’t understand Saul.

David blinked slowly. He looked at Saul’s black crown with his head lowered, the deep shadow cast below it, his downcast eyelids and pale cheeks, and his stubbornly closed lips.

The image of Saul he remembered was always like this. Saul sometimes, no, quite often remained silent.

It seemed different in the childhood David had almost forgotten, but it had always been this way since the Cavendish brothers grew older and began having minor secrets from each other.

Whenever something difficult to explain or troublesome came up, Saul would close his mouth and quietly lower or shake his head. That was a signal refusing conversation and a warning of silence. Sometimes David found such a Saul so frustrating he couldn’t bear it.

“I simply cannot understand you, brother.”

David hesitated. He hadn’t intended to speak aloud, but such words slipped out without his knowing. However, his embarrassment was brief. After speaking, he thought when else could he say such things if not now.

Perhaps this was a conversation that should have happened long ago. At least before Catherine got involved in this matter, or before he left the family to enter theological school.

Suddenly David recalled old times. He thought about those countless opportunities when they might have had such conversations.

There was a time when David had tried to understand Saul… Saul sometimes acted like he was the only one who could handle everything. David had always wanted to talk about Saul’s such attitude.

However, those efforts always ended in failure. Saul’s silence was solid, and the continuous failures made the time when they were quite close brothers seem like a very distant past. While making him vaguely believe there would be another chance to talk someday…

But such a day might never exist. Blinking like dropping his gaze, David let out a long breath.

“You’re always like that. You never tell me anything.”

“David.”

Saul opened his mouth like reproaching, but David shook his head. He knew Saul didn’t welcome such conversations. But David didn’t stop. This conversation wasn’t for him.

“Do you even know how miserable that makes a person?”

Moreover, it wasn’t for Saul either. No, it couldn’t be said it wasn’t entirely for Saul… At least David’s insistence on bringing up such an uncomfortable topic now was for someone who had come to expect nothing due to Saul’s silence.

Because he wanted to return the respect and trust she rightfully deserved.

“At least… you shouldn’t do that to Catherine.”

David opened his mouth like biting the end of the breath he exhaled. In fact, if David himself rather than Saul could return that, he wouldn’t need to have this conversation.

But regrettably… because only Saul could do it, because only he had the qualification to do so, he had no choice but to speak. And for the same reason, David intended to refuse Saul’s request.

“You explain it. Ask for forgiveness directly.”

Until she understands and accepts it. That’s what should happen. Perhaps because he tried hard not to blame Saul, his added words came out somewhat harshly. However, David thought it couldn’t be helped even if he spoke in a blaming tone.

It might be better if it sounded that way. He pushed out a long breath to brush past his nose and irritably rubbed his lips. He found himself disgusting, soaked in faint self-loathing and jealousy.

However, David soon dropped his hand hesitantly. This was because even after several seconds passed, there was no answer from Saul. There wasn’t even a sign of reproaching or agreeing with David.

Saul simply remained silent. With his gaze lowered, he kept his mouth shut like someone lost in thought.

“Brother.”

David frowned. He raised his hand and carefully touched the shoulder of Saul who had lowered his head. Only then did Saul raise his head. Before David could bend his fingertips to grasp his brother’s thin shoulder, Saul slowly raised his head to look at him like belatedly noticing David’s presence.

Their gazes met. Being very close, David soon realized that something was strange about Saul’s condition. The moment their gazes met, Saul must have realized it too.

However, Saul didn’t let David point it out. He blinked quickly and tilted his gaze, trying to hide the expression that had briefly surfaced.

“Saul.”

“Stop, stop it.”

However, David also didn’t just watch Saul hide his inner thoughts as usual. A brief struggle ensued between Saul who avoided his gaze and David who tried to look into such a Saul.

David lightly pushed his shoulder to examine Saul, but Saul grabbed his brother’s arm and tried to make him let go.

The two fought for a moment, just like they had when they were very young, long ago. It didn’t last long. As the simple pushing and pulling gradually became more intense, the forgotten wounds asserted their existence along with the surging pain.

When a low groan leaked through David’s clenched teeth as he gripped Saul’s shoulder, Saul also stopped fighting and stood still.

Looking surprised, Saul who had stopped moving reached out his hand toward David. But that was all. Saul withdrew the hand that had been directed toward David who was bent over breathing heavily.

His lips that had been moving slightly like he might say something soon stuck together. Saul took no action while David endured, waiting for the pain to subside.

“…What exactly is the problem?”

Finally, when the time of endurance ended, David asked while putting strength into the hand gripping Saul’s shoulder. It was an attitude like he thought Saul might run away.

And his gaze fixed on Saul like glaring, determined to hear Saul’s inner thoughts this time no matter what, had something resolute about it.

Whether he read David’s such determination or simply gave up was unclear. However, to David’s fiercely rising question, Saul stopped trying to push him away and let his shoulders drop.

After pouring out a long exhale, he swept his face with his gloved hand. The sound of dry breath breaking clearly brushed past his ears.

“David, I would really appreciate it if you would stop this conversation. I…”

And finally Saul opened his mouth. It was still words without any explanation or understanding added. Even that wasn’t properly concluded. He seemed unable to speak. David watched Saul lift his chin like trying to endure something, then repeatedly close and open his eyes tightly.

His attitude was very unstable, like trying to suppress something difficult for him to handle.

“That cannot be…”

Only after a long while did Saul mutter that while dropping his gaze. His voice as he muttered was tangled with confusion and anxiety that weren’t fully hidden. It sounded momentarily like trying to remind himself that he wasn’t qualified.

At least I… The last words were so small that David wouldn’t have heard them if he hadn’t been beside Saul. And with those words, Saul shut his mouth again like trying to swallow everything. 

It was avoidance no different from before.

“No, you must do it.”

But unlike Saul’s attitude that was no different from before, the situation surrounding the brothers was not the same as before. David had no intention of enduring Saul’s silence any longer.

David couldn’t just watch either Saul or Catherine. So he was determined never to grant his request. At least, not until he revealed a legitimate reason.

Saul, who noticed David’s such firm attitude, groaned softly. Because of that, David waited. This was because he thought Saul would finally reveal the inner thoughts he had hidden for so long, or if not that, at least confess something he could understand.

However, Saul did none of what David had guessed.

“…If you won’t help me, it can’t be helped.”

He simply made the same choice as always, no matter what.

What? Looking at Saul who smiled bitterly with a distorted expression, David blinked in bewilderment. He couldn’t believe what he had heard. What… what does that even mean? David found himself asking back without realizing it.