Chapter 5 – That Bastard (Part 4)

That pattern repeated for a while. Junhee gradually became desensitized to Dowook’s rebellions. Then Dowook would do even worse things to provoke her. Junhee’s sighs increased. Even the habitual smiles of a long-time lover gradually faded.

Boredom. The emotion was evident in Woo Junhee’s eyes when she looked at him.

That was strange to Dowook. How could Woo Junhee look at him with such eyes? He was the same, so how can she change?

But not every day was bad. Some days she smiled at him. Some days she showed interest in his daily life, and some days she talked about things she wanted to do together in the future.

He felt reassured by the few drops of affection Woo Junhee showed. Even that was too precious to him.

‘Let’s break up.’

‘I’m tired of this relationship.’

‘Being by your side isn’t enjoyable at all. It’s not exciting.’

In the end, Woo Junhee stabbed a knife into his chest, and only then could he break free from the long-standing illusion. Only then did he foolishly realize that Woo Junhee might no longer love him.

Damn girl. Heartless girl. Until the end, you…

He recalled the impressions she had as a child. Unpleasant thoughts clung to his brain like bugs. Dowook forcibly lifted the corners of his mouth. He tried to pull himself out of the sinking thoughts.

‘I can’t dress.’

‘It’s more comfortable being alone than with you now. People gossip about me when I’m next to you. They say this if I wear this, and that if I wear that—’

Yeah, that was the problem. So just get rid of those things. Why are you suffering so much? I’ll take care of everything. You can’t escape from me anyway. I’ve trained you for so long. Why struggle so hard? Just live comfortably by my side, eating, sleeping, and enjoying life with the money I earn. You’ll miss this life soon enough.

He blinked his gloomy eyes. He checked the digital clock on the wall. Sunday, 2:40 PM.

Why is it still only that time? 

He was tired of extreme exercise and work. He canceled the remaining schedules. He threw away the reports and documents he had to read and waited for time to pass.

The phone rang incessantly, but he didn’t want to answer, so he didn’t.

How long until a month passes like this? But I have to endure. I still have to endure.

According to Ki-hong’s advice, he shouldn’t contact her for a month and should increase his value. The articles he found on the internet all said similar things. So he was faithfully following those instructions.

Even now, he wanted to grab Woo Junhee by the neck and pin her down. He wanted to spread her red flesh and shove anything of his inside her. He wanted to drag her and lock her up in a place only he could access. All things she would hate and despise him for.

If she knew how much self-control he was exercising to resist those impulses, would Woo Junhee be moved to tears?

A month, no, twenty days had passed. Compared to the fifteen years they had been together, it was really nothing. They had been apart longer because of the military and Woo Junhee’s exams.

So just twenty days, it’s nothing. 

Thinking that he only needed a little more patience, he tilted his head back and closed his eyes.

He opened his eyes. Four minutes had passed since he last looked at the clock. He poured the remaining whiskey into the glass and drank it. He checked the time again. Two minutes had passed. He turned on the TV and cranked the volume up to the maximum. He focused on the deliberately created noise. Seven minutes passed. He stubbed out the cigarette in the crystal ashtray on the table and lit a second cigarette. He decided not to look at the clock until he finished smoking this one.

But he couldn’t resist and checked the time. Only three minutes had passed. He gripped the lighter so tightly that the blue veins on the back of his hand bulged and smoked the cigarette. By the time he got tired of the cigarette and dropped it, seven minutes had passed. He got up, threw the empty glass and whiskey bottle into the sink. Returning to the sofa, he habitually checked the time. One minute had passed.

He checked his phone. The useless messages had piled up for someone who had abandoned his schedule, but there was nothing from Woo Junhee. One minute had passed. He looked at the messages from Woo Junhee. Another two minutes passed, and he stared at Woo Junhee’s last message, which said, ‘Take care.’

Not even a minute had passed before he threw his phone to the floor.

***

After her grandmother left, she spent the first few days just sleeping. When she woke up, she often spaced out. 

What should I do? 

She thought alone but couldn’t come up with anything.

She just recalled her grandmother’s bent back as she left the house alone. Then Choi Dowook’s hurt eyes, Song Yeong-joo’s indifferent gesture handing her the envelope, and the gazes of people appraising Woo Junhee like an object swirled in her mind.

Suddenly, she thought, 

Did I ruin everything? Where did it go wrong?

She tried to think but couldn’t come up with anything.

Again, her grandmother’s bent back, Choi Dowook’s eyes, Song Yeong-joo’s gesture, and people’s gazes crowded in.

She picked up a rag and wandered around the house. Even though her grandmother had just left, the small house felt unusually empty.

She had to move her body before the cluttered thoughts filled the empty space. She wandered around the house, cleaning and wiping everything in sight. No matter how much she cleaned, she wasn’t satisfied. Like a machine, she repeated the task several times.

While wiping the drawer above the sink, she broke a glass plate on the floor. The noise was loud in the quiet. Hearing that noise, she suddenly thought the place was excessively quiet. She quickly bent down to clean up the glass.

After spending a long time cleaning, when there was nothing left to clean or wipe, she felt empty. Fortunately, fatigue set in, and she lay down to sleep.

But the spring breeze coming through the window was unusually chilly. She couldn’t fall asleep. She crawled on her knees to close the window tightly, but the gaps in the old window couldn’t be sealed. The window rattled.

Suddenly, Junhee felt unbearably sad. She couldn’t even close a window properly. The plate broke, her grandmother left, her father died, she failed the exam, and nothing was going right.

She lay down in frustration, wanting to cry her heart out, but no tears came. Only the wind fell through her bowed head.

The wind was so cold that she went back under the blanket, shivering. She realized belatedly that she had a fever.

She took the fever reducer at home, but the fever didn’t go down easily. To make matters worse, it was her period. 

Was I being punished for saying harsh words to grandmother? 

She had a silly thought. She let out a dry chuckle.

Despite her earlier fit of anger, her body being in pain, and nothing going right, it was strange that she could still laugh.

Curled up under the blanket, Junhee belatedly sent a text message to her grandmother, apologizing. She told her not to worry about her, that she would rest well on her own. She also sent the allowance she had originally planned to give her. There was no reply from her grandmother. Without saying it was okay or not, she clumsily told her in broken Korean to make sure to eat properly. She told her to eat the samgyetang she had made in the pot for nourishment.

Holding the phone, Junhee curled up again. Although she was the one who pushed her grandmother away, she felt sorrowful in her absence now that she was sick. The laughter from just a moment ago was now a distant memory.

In truth, those were not the words she wanted to say. She wanted to ask her to take care of her more. To pay attention to her. She only had her grandmother now. 

Why do you take care of other things before me? Are they more important than me?

She knew it was childish, she knew it was wrong, but she wanted to act spoiled.

At times like this, she habitually thought of Dowook. No matter what she went through or what she heard, he was always on her side. He always accepted her whims.

She remembered the time when Dowook, who was on a business trip to Singapore, appeared in front of her at dawn just because she said, “I miss you.”

‘You told me to come.’

‘Did you think I wouldn’t fly over when you said you missed me in such a yearning voice?’

She knew. She called me knowing that. He smiled lazily and arrogantly as he blamed her. He wrapped his arms around her body out of habit and buried his face in her nape.

I didn’t say it that desperately. I didn’t know you would come. If I had known you would go to such lengths, I wouldn’t have said it. 

Her words were uselessly scattered as Dowook hugged her and kissed her all over.

It was winter. The smell of winter’s cold wind from him made her nose sting. It smelled like a very far and unfamiliar place. Junhee hugged Dowook tightly.

Lying on the bed, hugging Dowook, she said, 

‘I think I’m too selfish. I often feel that way when I’m with you.’

‘Yeah, you’re selfish only to me.’

His quick agreement was embarrassing. Dowook pressed his lips to her ear and let out a strange laugh. His breath poured into her ear, and goosebumps rose on her nape.

‘But it’s okay. I let you be that way. I allowed you to act as you please with me. It’s not your fault; it’s my fault. I like it that way.’

He looked genuinely satisfied. Whether it was the long-awaited s*x after his business trip or he really didn’t mind being such a pushover, the smooth smile never left his arrogant face.