Chapter 6 – The Light Behind His Back (Part 1)

“Woo Junhee.”

It was the winter when she had just turned seventeen.

“What are you staring at blankly for?”

Junhee stood there, dumbfounded, holding Dowook’s report card.

Dowook’s grades had caught up to Junhee’s. It was an expected result. Junhee only came to Seoul during the vacations to take private lessons at Heejeongwon, but Dowook received high-quality lectures at Heejeongwon every day, not just during vacations.

She understood it logically, but it still upset her. She tried hard not to show her feelings. “Looks like you’ve been studying while I was gone?” she joked.

“I’ve been going easy on you all this time.”

Dowook said more teasingly. His large hand ruffled Junhee’s hair as he passed by. Junhee stood there, watching his hand and his back as he walked away.

Choi Dowook had been diligently taking private lessons again since the last summer vacation. From around that time, Dowook hardly ever got sick. Song Yeong-joo had called her father directly.

She said it was all thanks to Junhee. She said Junhee took care of Dowook like an older sister. As a small token of appreciation, she sent a large sum of money and made a beneficial proposal to Junhee.

She suggested sending Junhee to a private high school in Seoul. It was a boarding school run by the Taesan Foundation, and the foundation would cover the tuition fees. The school offered high-quality teachers and college entrance information that couldn’t be compared to the countryside.

It was undoubtedly a great opportunity for Junhee. She had already felt the gap between the countryside and Seoul. Her grandmother was delighted, and Junhee accepted the proposal as well.

She had gone up to Heejeongwon in preparation for her high school entrance. Song Yeong-joo greeted her with a fairy-like face.

‘It’s good to see you again.’

As always, in her gentle tone, she said she trusted only Junhee, asking her to take good care of her son, and handed her some pocket money. Junhee tried to refuse the pocket money.

‘It’s the same pocket money I give to Dowook.’

Those words strangely lingered in her mind.

‘I’m giving it to you the same way. Because I want to. Just like the carnation letter you sent me on Parents’ Day.’

It was something she always made during the Parents’ Day event at school. Originally, she only gave it to her father and grandmother, but that day she had some time left. While fiddling with the red paper, she watched the other kids. They were all busy writing letters to their mothers. Watching them, Junhee folded the paper again. With a pencil, she started writing what she wanted to say to Song Yeong-joo on the remaining letter paper.

She thought it would be difficult, but the words flowed easily. Junhee herself was surprised at how much she had to say to Song Yeong-joo.

Writing the letter and making the carnation was easy, but actually giving it to her was hard. After days of hesitation, she finally put the letter in the mailbox. Her heart pounded as she did. She stared at the mailbox’s opening for a long time.

‘Thinking back, meeting you, Junhee, was a real stroke of luck for me.’

Song Yeong-joo’s delicate hand held Junhee’s hand, patted her head, and tapped her shoulder. Song Yeong-joo always smelled as good as the flowers at Heejeongwon. Junhee liked the praise and deep trust she received from Song Yeong-joo. It made her feel a bit special.

While living in Nonsan, even from afar, Junhee occasionally thought of Song Yeong-joo.

Whenever she did, her heart felt tender for some reason. It was an emotion Junhee herself couldn’t understand. Why did she like Song Yeong-joo so much? Why did she want to be acknowledged by her?

The people at Heejeongwon, including Song Yeong-joo, treated Junhee kindly, and Junhee, living close to their impressive stories, fell into the illusion that she was no different from them.

All stories from the foolish days of her childhood.

So those feelings were fleeting.

Dowook effortlessly solved the difficult problems posed by the private tutor at Heejeongwon. Using ingenious methods that Junhee couldn’t think of, sometimes methods she couldn’t even understand.

And how good Choi Dowook’s English pronunciation was. His stories about his school trip to the U.S. a few months ago seemed so interesting and enviable. He got everything right while she got things wrong. The watch, shoes, and bag he received as gifts look so expensive and precious.

All her things were old and worn out. For the first time in the winter of seventeen, Junhee felt ashamed of her appearance. But she pretended it didn’t bother her.

That wasn’t what was important to Junhee now.

The score difference on the test prepared by the Heejeongwon tutor was huge. It hadn’t been like this until last summer. Dowook always scored lower than Junhee and was frustrated, striving to beat her. Junhee always maintained her composure above him. Occasionally, even when his scores improved, they were always just slightly lower than Junhee’s.

Junhee felt a sudden sense of urgency. While she was feeling smug in Nonsan, Dowook had surpassed her. Her heart grew anxious.

Having already finished the second-year curriculum, she solved a mock test that high school students had taken in the previous October with Dowook. Seeing the scores, the private tutor smiled ambiguously.

He said this mock test had come out a bit difficult. He said there was nothing they could do about the education gap between the countryside and Seoul. To be blunt, he said, “Wasn’t the place where Junhee lived a rural area among rural areas?” Even so, he said, she was doing well for her circumstances.

The praise was as vague as his smile.

The teacher’s real focus and effort were on Choi Dowook. She hadn’t realized it as a child, but now she understood.

She and Dowook could never be the same. No matter how much Song Yeong-joo gave Junhee the same pocket money and smiled the same way at her, Junhee could never become the ‘Young Master of Heejeongwon.’

As she grew older, seeing and hearing more, and watching her father’s and grandmother’s humble appearances compared to the people at Heejeongwon for a long time, she gradually understood. It was only natural, so Junhee accepted it without showing any signs.

Even so, those days repeated throughout the vacation, and Junhee grew a bit resentful of Choi Dowook within those days.

She sat alone at her desk, recalling and imitating Dowook’s methods, trying to catch up to him.

She wished Dowook would score lower than her again. She wished she could beat Dowook again.

She knew those feelings were mean. But they were inevitable. She found Dowook annoying and enviable, yet he was still her friend. She didn’t know how to manage those sharp feelings.

Around that time, Junhee had her first period. It was a late first period compared to her peers. It was Song Yeong-joo who noticed and advised her about it. She called Junhee aside, handed her sanitary pads and underwear, and explained how to use them.

‘Everyone goes through it. It’s part of growing up.’ 

Junhee nodded as she listened to Song Yeong-joo’s calm words. She heard that it was also Song Yeong-joo who quietly dealt with her blood-stained sheets and prepared various types of sanitary pads in her drawer. She heard the hired help whispering as they passed by, saying that Song Yeong-joo must really consider Junhee like a daughter.

‘Thank you’

She said quietly, bowing her head. From her lowered view, she saw the hem of Song Yeong-joo’s skirt. She had a sudden urge to grab that softly fluttering fabric. It was a strange impulse.

She wanted to use that small piece of fabric as an excuse to start a conversation. She wanted to blurt out anything.

High school studies are so difficult. Dowook, who has grown so much, feels a bit unfamiliar. Can I send you a carnation letter again next Parents’ Day?

She wanted to say anything and hear anything in return. She thought it might calm her sharp feelings. Just as she raised her head and unknowingly opened her mouth.

‘Is our Dowook doing well in his private lessons?’

Song Yeong-joo asked with a kind smile.

She asked what he was particularly interested in these days. Whether he was considering the sciences or the humanities. If there were any subjects he found especially difficult. 

‘He hardly talks to me. Even though he’s my son, he’s never been affectionate towards me since he was little.’

The sharp pain spread in her chest again. She knew it was childish jealousy towards Choi Dowook, but she never showed it. Showing such feelings would make her seem like a bad kid, and no one would like her.

Junhee smiled the characteristic smile of an obedient child. She told Song Yeong-joo what she wanted to know. Song Yeong-joo expressed her gratitude with a kind smile and said, ‘Thank you, Junhee.’ She patted Junhee’s hand holding the sanitary pads.