Chapter 6 – The Light Behind His Back (Part 5)

She recalled the Dowook of that winter. Choi Dowook, who wore the same scarf as hers, called her ‘sis’ playfully, and laughed mischievously.

As Dowook said, it was Junhee who broke the promise this time. For a while, Junhee couldn’t say anything. A feeling of helplessness welled up. The tears stopped, but her heart still pounded fiercely.

“Why do you… want to be friends with me? You have plenty of other kids to hang out with.”

She regretted coming to the same high school. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t close the gap with Dowook. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t beat Dowook. Memories of how things used to be different only added to her frustration. She realized that frustration was actually inferiority. She hated herself for feeling that way. She didn’t want to know those feelings.

What Junhee knew was only the Dowook of midsummer and midwinter, the brief time at Heejeongwon.

As they spent more time together, the Dowook she saw in the many other times and places wasn’t the Dowook she knew. The Dowook who had many friends, money, and popularity.

She didn’t want to know that Dowook anymore. Junhee was content with the Dowook of Heejeongwon, the Dowook of the two months of summer and winter.

“Who said I want to be friends with you? I don’t. Tell them to stop.”

“…….”

“But don’t you think you’re mean? You always call me a thug, a delinquent, and say I’m mean. But aren’t you the mean one? You always break promises, have no sense, are full of pride, overthink everything, and run away at the slightest thing. Who would want to be friends with such a mean girl?”

“…….”

“Who would beg to be friends with you like an idiot?”

He said mean things with a cold face, then spoke unpredictable words. Ultimately, what he said was always like that.

Without realizing it, his neck had turned red. His sharp expression and gaze remained unchanged.

It was absurd. It reminded her of the clumsy Choi Dowook from her childhood.

“When was that promise even made? Why do you still remember such a promise like a child….”

She was so flustered that she probably made a dumb face and mumbled incoherently. She didn’t even know what she was saying.

Just then, someone came out of the classroom to look for Junhee and Dowook, and they returned to the classroom. The sound of Dowook’s footsteps following behind her felt like needles pricking her heart.

The moments after that are blurry. She doesn’t clearly remember how she attended classes, finished the day, returned to the dormitory, and lay on her bed. The events in between are a blank, but she clearly remembers not being able to sleep for a long time that night.

Staring at the dark ceiling, she repeatedly chewed over Dowook’s words and expressions. It felt like a confession. It was the first time she realized his feelings.

Choi Dowook likes me. He says he likes me. It’s ridiculous. It’s funny. What does he like about me? Since when did he like me? But we’re still students. I have to study. Choi Dowook will definitely get into Korea University. I want to get into Korea University too. But can someone who says they like me act so recklessly? Why does he like me? How could we become like that….

She laughed at the absurdity, doubted his feelings, and fell into deep contemplation.

She was still confused, but it was a different kind of confusion from before.

Junhee spent more time sitting alone, staring blankly. Choi Dowook didn’t leave her alone in that confusion.

What are you doing, Woo Junhee?

Are you a loner? Why are you always alone?

Stop annoying me and bring me my water bottle.

Is your dream to be a mermaid? Is diving your hobby?

What are you looking at? Don’t avoid me, look at me.

No matter how far Junhee distanced herself, Dowook would stride over and close the gap in one step.

Even though Dowook was still surrounded by people who didn’t fit with Junhee, received higher grades, and got confessed to by many girls, even though Junhee knew his feelings, she still sometimes felt upset, disliked Dowook, wanted to avoid him, and found him uncomfortable.

But Dowook, annoyingly, knew all of Junhee’s habits and quirks, could read her emotions sensitively, and understood her preferences, making it impossible for her to push him away. That was why her mood would quickly improve. That was why she couldn’t hate him.

***

Did I end up liking Choi Dowook?

Did that happen eventually?

Because Dowook was good at basketball, good at swimming, popular, because his everyday pranks, words, and laughter were familiar, absurd, fun, and likable.

But I’ve never thought of him that way. We’re just friends.

Without realizing it, certain feelings for Choi Dowook grew steadily. Thoughts of him followed one after another.

Is it true that he really likes me? If he likes me, can he curse and say mean things like that? Why does he keep making my life difficult? Was his behavior back then because he liked me? Were those looks meant only for me?

There were so many questions. She wanted to ask them all.

But when she met his black eyes, her tongue froze. Her chest tingled and her neck prickled. She had so many things she wanted to say, but standing in front of Dowook, she couldn’t think of any words.

“Choi Dowook.”

So she just called his name and stood there for a while.

It was a deep night in the late autumn of their eighteenth year, on the school playground. Dowook was swinging slowly, sucking on a lollipop. His long legs touched the ground. Despite his impatient nature, he waited patiently for Junhee to speak.

“You know.”

She mustered the courage to speak, but her throat closed up again. She just blinked her big eyes, staring at him.

A cold wind blew, and leaves fell. Dowook’s swing moved closer and then farther away repeatedly. The creaking of the swing and the sound of him sucking on the lollipop echoed loudly.

Dowook, who had been moving the swing lazily, suddenly looked up. His black eyes sparkled like stars in the night. His cheek bulged and then flattened repeatedly as he rolled the lollipop in his mouth.

As if to say, “Say something,” Dowook tilted his head. Junhee stared at his face anew.

Her mouth froze again. In the end, she couldn’t say anything, and finally, Dowook, who had run out of patience, spat out the lollipop. It rolled on the dirt ground. Reflexively, Junhee bent down to pick up the stick. She habitually scolded him.

“There’s a trash can right there. Why throw it here?”

Dowook’s sneaker crushed the lollipop. Junhee, who had bent down, looked up at him in surprise.

“I have a question.”

With his low voice, the sound of the lollipop crunching echoed. The swing, which had been moving back and forth, stopped.

“…What is it?”

“If you kiss after sucking on something sweet, can you still taste the sweetness?”

“What?”

“Aren’t you curious?”

“No, I’m not curious. Why would I be curious about that?”

Junhee’s voice grew louder in her fluster.

“You kept staring at my lips, so I thought you were curious too.”

“When did I ever stare at your lips?”

“Maybe it wasn’t you. Maybe it was me staring at yours.”

“…What were you staring at?”

“Your lips.”

This time, she couldn’t even find her voice.

“You said you had something to say, so say it. Why are you biting your lips like that? Geez, are you still in the oral stage or what?”

At the end, Dowook muttered a curse as if he was annoyed.

“You, I clearly…”

“Yeah, I know, you told me not to curse. But Woo Junhee.”

Dowook called her in an uncharacteristically gentle tone. Smiling faintly, he pretended to be kind, but his face showed unmistakable displeasure.

“You don’t know, but I’m holding back like crazy. I’m holding back like mad. You’re in your oral stage, but I’m at a different developmental stage, so just understand. I’m holding back like crazy too.”

He kept saying he was holding back. It was absurd, and she almost laughed, but then Dowook’s words suddenly hit her. Junhee quickly stood up.

“I don’t do those kinds of things.”

“What kinds of things?”

“Dirty things. Unhealthy things. Things that interfere with studying.”

“What a Confucian scholar.”

“Don’t say such mean things again.”

“A great Confucian protector of Joseon has arrived.”

He said those words with a blank expression. He looked at her calmly, annoyingly so. But when Junhee remained silent, he glanced at her as if to check her reaction.

“What, what did I do wrong this time?”

Dowook, who was speaking impulsively and then gauging Junhee’s reaction, suddenly felt unfamiliar. His gaze, piercing deeply like a stab, also felt unfamiliar.

It was as if he was trying to read every tiny expression and emotion of Junhee, yet his own face showed no expression. It was as if only understanding Junhee’s feelings mattered to him.

“…Nothing, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

This time, it was Junhee who looked away first. Her heart pounded too loudly.

“What you’re saying is…”

“…Next time.”

“When is next time?”

“Later, when we’re more prepared.”

She felt like she already knew the answers to the questions she had been curious about, like whether he really liked her or if it was just her imagination. So now, what she wanted to say wasn’t about those things.

“You’re playing with me, Woo Junhee.”

His voice carried a low laugh.

“…You said you’d be my lackey. A lackey just does what the master says.”

“So you’re making full use of me this night.”

Dowook kicked the sandy ground with his sneakers. He didn’t look particularly angry. He had his characteristic languid and relaxed expression.

“But are you my master?”

Suddenly, Dowook asked.

“You said you were my master.”

His expression was dry. Junhee couldn’t understand why he specifically picked out the word “master.”

But Dowook’s ears and neck were red. She didn’t know what he was thinking to make his ears and neck turn so red. She stared at his ears. There had been several times before when Dowook’s ears and neck turned red in front of her.

Placing the back of her hand on his ear was an impulsive act.

It wasn’t until her hot ear touched the back of her hand that Junhee realized what she had done. She should have pulled her hand away, but she didn’t. She felt Dowook’s body stiffen. But his expression didn’t change. He just looked up at her while sitting on the swing.

His eyes, glistening like beads under the streetlight, were mysterious.

Junhee thought Dowook would scold her for touching his ear without permission. But since Dowook didn’t say anything, still looking up at her with an expressionless face, and because the autumn night was cold but his red ear and neck looked warm.

Next, she gently placed the back of her hand on his red neck. She pressed lightly. She felt the strong pulse beating. The intense and hot sensation was unfamiliar. She was holding it there for a long.