Chapter 7 – That’s Why I To You (Part 1)

She did something bad. She secretly kissed him from time to time.

Thoughts of when she was very young came to mind. Back then, they secretly played Go-Stop, but now they do something even more delinquent. It was a new game between them. Secretly kissing in an empty classroom, in a dark alley, on the narrow path behind the school.

Even though they did nothing more than that, time flew by after the kiss ended. The act of biting lips and sucking tongues was strange and erotic. The time spent meeting his eyes after the act was awkward and weird, but Junhee still couldn’t push Dowook away when he approached.

After the kiss ended, Dowook asked,

‘Will you go out with me?’

In the dust of the empty classroom, her long eyelashes moved slowly. The black and transparent pupils below them always stared directly at Junhee.

The gaze and silence of those moments always tickled. They stuck in her mind arbitrarily. Even when Dowook wasn’t around, they replayed without permission, disrupting her daily life.

Knowing it was bad, like being addicted to junk food, she couldn’t stop doing it. Even when she thought she shouldn’t, she would find herself kissing him again when she came to her senses.

Both were still immature and couldn’t dare to attempt anything beyond that. If Dowook’s hand accidentally brushed Junhee’s lower back while kissing, they would jump apart as if something terrible had happened.

Whenever they had a chance, they pressed their lips together and mingled their tongues. They rubbed against each other for a long time with their soft tongues entwined. It felt like something erotic was floating in her stomach. It was highly addictive.

But despite doing such things, Junhee didn’t easily give Dowook the answer he wanted.

Dowook closed his mouth tightly, showing a moment of anxious and frustrated expression, but he didn’t press Junhee further.

‘I’ll do better next time.’

With an inexplicably frustrated face, ears turning red, that was all he said.

Indeed, his kisses were clumsy. She must have been the same. But Dowook never blamed her.

It seemed like he thought if he became very good at kissing, making Junhee feel good, she would go out with him. So his kissing skills improved day by day. Every time the kiss ended, Dowook asked.

Will you go out with me?

Will you date me?

Woo Junhee. Will you go out with me now?

No matter how good Dowook got at kissing, Junhee couldn’t say she would date him.

In front of Dowook, Junhee often forgot even the most obvious things. What expression to make, where to direct her gaze, how her gestures and hand movements should be. She just wanted to be natural, but she couldn’t remember what that was.

While worrying about such things, she couldn’t answer his question.

She knew she was being bad. Even if Dowook got tired of her being so bad and clumsy and stopped this, she would have nothing to say.

Junhee was just confused. 

Is it okay for us to be like this? What comes next? What happens if I date Choi Dowook? We’re friends. I thought we’d be friends forever. What if we date and then break up?

Would I never see Dowook again? Would we not even be able to stay as friends who don’t get along?

What does it matter if I lose Choi Dowook? 

She had hated and disliked him, but she found herself fearing not being able to see him again.

In the moment of confusion when their eyes met, Dowook smiled.

His sharp eyes curved roundly as he smiled. The black, sharp face turned into a round, blue ball in that moment.

That smile seeped into her heart like light, like water, causing ripples. While memorizing words and solving problems, Choi Dowook would suddenly pop up and disrupt her focus. Even when it wasn’t a test, he made her heart anxious.

She quietly exhaled. Nothing escaped. It felt like it flowed and settled deep inside her.

Like Dowook’s tongue, she ran her finger inside her lips. A silly laugh escaped. She remembered Dowook’s expression and gaze when they kissed.

She closed her eyes and recalled the feeling of that time. The sound of his anxious breath, the loud beating of his heart, the gaze that matched hers despite everything.

Would it be okay? I have to take the college entrance exam soon. I have to go to Korea University. But what do you do when you date? Do you hold hands and go to amusement parks? That would feel too weird.

Even though they kissed dozens of times, they never held hands. Holding hands and walking side by side felt too strange. It felt like something they shouldn’t do even more than Dowook cupping her face or them kissing.

Imagining it made her chest feel ticklish, like a white butterfly landing deep inside, like a black spider climbing a thread.

“I won’t kiss you anymore.”

She tried to regain her senses. 

We’re still students. This is a bad thing.

“Then what will you do?”

Dowook’s question was calm.

“Then what will you do?”

Dowook’s question was calm.

“How far will you go?”

Nothing. I won’t do anything…. 

She thought, but her mouth spoke differently from her head.

“…Just pecks.”

“Pecks?”

Dowook raised his eyebrows as if he couldn’t believe it.

“Pecking, really?”

Then his face flushed with anger. Heat radiated from his hand that grabbed Junhee’s wrist.

“Are you satisfied with that? Damn, are you satisfied with just pecking after doing all this with me? After doing all sorts of things in secret with me, huh?”

“What sorts of things. We only kissed.”

“Kissing is everything!”

“There’s more than that!”

The conversation abruptly stopped. Her neck turned red. Only then did Junhee realize her mistake. The face of the flustered and swayed boy turned stern. 

Damn. 

It seemed like he was cursing again.

“That’s not allowed.”

“What, what isn’t?”

“That’s not allowed yet. Damn it, you’re still a kid. Damn it, you’re still a kid.”

What’s in your head, what are you thinking?

His gaze wandered, unable to settle, looking down at Junhee’s body, then quickly looking up, then looking at her chest, then looking at the air.

His raised eyebrows and rough breathing were absurd to Junhee, but his reaction made her feel guilty. She lost her words and bit her lips.

His wandering gaze suddenly fixed on her eyes.

“Woo Junhee.”

His solemn call made her heart race.

“There’s a sequence to things.”

“…….”

“If you ignore them and skip ahead, that’s damn trashy.”

He always grumbled about her being a Confucian protector. It was strange to see Choi Dowook acting like the world’s greatest scholar.

“Do you understand?”

In a daze, Junhee nodded. It just felt like she should. His words seemed entirely right.

“So take it back.”

“Take what back….”

“The thing about just pecks. We’ll still kiss.”

Dowook reached out and cupped Junhee’s cheek.

“Open your mouth.”

The distance suddenly closed, and his hot breath fell on her lips. Junhee closed her eyes tightly. She obediently let his wet tongue invade her mouth. Light snowflakes fluttered outside the hallway window, and somewhere in the distance, carols echoed faintly.

Her thoughts raced in one direction and then suddenly veered to the opposite end.

Will we still be doing this when we’re adults? What if fickle Choi Dowook gets tired of me and loses interest? When we become adults, surrounded by more interesting people, will he forget all about someone like me….

The kids around often chattered. How great Choi Dowook of Taesan was, what an amazing family he came from, how many people coveted that family.

Her heart ached. Her pride was hurt. Her heart beat anxiously. Her emotions swung rapidly from one extreme to the other. These feelings were incredibly unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

Her grades plummeted. She didn’t blame Dowook. It was just because she was out of her mind. Dowook’s grades also dropped.

The homeroom teacher called Junhee’s dad. She didn’t know what the teacher said to her dad. Junhee just watched from a distance as her dad bowed repeatedly to the teacher. 

Please take good care of my daughter, teacher…. 

His awkward Seoul accent faintly reached her on the wind.

Her dad said it was okay. What’s the big deal if her grades drop a bit. That she was still doing well enough. No matter her grades, she was still his proud daughter, he said, smiling nonchalantly.

The daughter of Nonsan, Woo Junhee. The daughter of Woo Donggu, Woo Junhee.

In front of her dad, who hummed like a song, Junhee felt ashamed of herself. She wondered if her dad knew why her grades had dropped, what she was doing with Dowook here, could he still say that.

Her chest stung. She couldn’t meet her dad’s eyes properly.

Only after her dad went back to Nonsan did Junhee regret it. She missed her dad and grandmother. She regretted not being able to look him in the eye, not being able to see his face properly. She wasn’t a child, but tears came out. She wiped away the tears that fell on her workbook.

When she looked up, she saw the empty seat across from her.

It was Dowook’s seat. He had been called to Heejeongwon and hadn’t returned for quite a while. 

Was he getting scolded badly by his grandfather for his dropping grades?

When Dowook returned, his expression wasn’t good. She stared blankly at him, who looked low and cold.

Even from afar, she could clearly imagine the shape of Dowook’s eyes and mouth. He got out of the car first, followed by Song Yeong-joo. Song Yeong-joo said something to him. Dowook, with an expressionless face, didn’t seem to respond.

As they got out of the car, some teachers came out of the school building to greet them. They bowed deeply to Song Yeong-joo.

It was a snowy February when they were nineteen. Junhee was sitting by the window in the study room, listening to an online lecture. She looked down at them through the window and suddenly felt as if she made eye contact with Song Yeong-joo. Unconsciously, she raised her hand and waved. Song Yeong-joo didn’t seem to see it, lowering her head. Junhee quietly watched her turn around.