Chapter 7 – That’s Why I To You (Part 5)

“We can just keep her as a mistress.”

“…….”

“What are you so worried about, Aunt?”

Song Yeong-joo scattered a gentle smile. The sound of a teacup clinking was heard along with it.

It was purely by chance that Junhee overheard that conversation. It was two months before the college entrance exam, on the eve of the October holiday.

Junhee’s steps naturally halted as she crossed the hallway. Just around the corner was the living room where Song Yeong-joo was, but Junhee couldn’t turn the corner. Mistress. She chewed over the unfamiliar word.

“Of course I’m worried. Our Dowook is the only legitimate grandchild of his father.”

The voice that followed was Dowook’s aunt. She occasionally visited Heejeongwon to flatter Dowook’s grandfather, gave Dowook pocket money, and looked Junhee up and down with a strangely unpleasant smile.

“No matter how much my brother favors and pampers Dowook’s two older brothers, they are still the children of a mistress. It’s only natural that Taesan should be inherited by Dowook. Father thinks so too. But I hear that country girl is still sticking around Dowook. How can I not worry? You’re too carefree, Sister-in-law. What if they fall in love and get attached? The girl’s face is quite decent. And a mistress? Sister-in-law, after what my brother did to you, you’re still talking about a mistress?”

Despite the barrage of words from the woman, Song Yeong-joo remained silent. Only the clear sound of a teaspoon stirring a teacup quietly resonated.

“I’m so sick of it, that mistress business. My brother is truly amazing. He struts around so brazenly, isn’t he ashamed? If he were the type to be ashamed, he wouldn’t have brought Hyeonwook and Seonwook into Heejeongwon so openly.”

“Aunt, didn’t you say you had a spa reservation soon?”

“Oh dear, talking about the spa. Whether you like it or not, listen. I’m saying this for you and Dowook. I’m on your side, Sister-in-law. When Father passes away and my brother takes over as Chairman, there will surely be a succession struggle. I’ll be on your side and Dowook’s side. That’s why I’m saying this. It would be better to get rid of that girl at the right time. Before she becomes a hindrance to Dowook.”

Song Yeong-joo laughed again. Her calm and gentle laugh continued for quite a while. Somehow, it seemed like a sarcastic laugh. Only when Dowook’s aunt was about to become displeased did Song Yeong-joo speak.

“The more you try to stop it, the worse it will get. Boys are like that. There’s nothing particularly bad about just leaving it be. Father allowed her to stay in the first place.”

“…That was when they were young.”

The woman replied reluctantly.

“When Dowook was young and constantly sick. A fortune teller recommended her as a scapegoat. When was the last time Dowook was sick? Why keep a scapegoat by his side? It makes me uneasy. If her and her family’s fortune is so bad that she had to be used as a scapegoat, should we really keep that unlucky girl by Dowook’s side? Even if you intend to use her as a mistress, what if she gets greedy? What if she aims for a position she shouldn’t, like Hyeonwook’s mother?”

How long do I have to keep listening to this conversation? I just wanted to deliver the side dishes my grandmother made to the Director. I only stopped by because I was looking for the workbook I left in Dowook’s room in the annex. 

The weight of the side dish container was starting to become unbearable.

When Song Yeong-joo didn’t respond, the woman raised her voice as if frustrated.

“I heard that girl’s mother died early and was disabled. Ah, she was deaf, wasn’t she? Isn’t that hereditary? If she’s deaf, she can’t speak properly either. What if she brings a child like Hyeonwook or Seonwook later? At least they were normal. What if a defective gene gets mixed into our family lineage, huh? What if one day she brings a completely deaf child and claims it’s the family’s grandchild…!”

“That girl and her family know their place.”

It was at that point that Junhee thought the conversation might be about her. There couldn’t be another girl with a deaf mother who died early besides her. Even after realizing it, her mind went blank for a while.

“Aunt, you’ve been divorced twice, so you should know well. Do men ever stay satisfied with just one wife? No matter who Dowook marries, he’ll have a mistress someday. Isn’t it better to have that girl, who knows her place and is kind and sincere, than to have someone who causes trouble? Her family is simple and has no big ambitions, as I mentioned.”

“So, you’re saying we should pre-select an easy-to-handle girl as a mistress? Since he’ll have one anyway?”

“It would be good for her too. While she’s by Dowook’s side, I plan to support her as much as possible, of course within limits.”

Dowook’s aunt burst into a frivolous laugh.

“Well, I guess my sister-in-law knows best. I forgot how much smarter and greater you are than me. You’ve endured thirty years of my brother’s infidelity without shaking, like a Buddha, my sister-in-law.”

It was clearly sarcastic, but Song Yeong-joo just smiled gently. As the woman said, Song Yeong-joo didn’t waver at her provocation.

“So don’t worry about Junhee, Aunt.”

Junhee. Hearing her name from Song Yeong-joo felt very strange. 

So this whole conversation was about me. 

She thought, but somehow it didn’t feel real. It felt like there was a thick fog in her head.

“Also, please don’t bring up this topic outside of Heejeongwon. Be careful not to make a slip of the tongue in front of Junhee.”

Again. Junhee. Her name came up again. Suddenly, her chest tightened so much that she couldn’t breathe.

“You said you’re on my side, and I believe you, Aunt. So don’t reveal Junhee’s existence carelessly.”

Ah.

Ah.

Her thoughts didn’t flow well. Through the gaps of her broken thoughts, a sharp pain squeezed in. She could hear voices chattering beyond the wall but didn’t want to listen anymore. She wanted to cover her ears. She wanted to leave, but her body felt like stone. It hurt, it hurt so much, but she couldn’t make a sound or turn around and just stood there, frozen.

She realized she didn’t have the right to be here. Nothing was allowed for her.

Mistress, ward-off, deaf, concubine, bloodline, place, deaf…. Contextless words flowed through her mind. Something inside her started to crumble, but she didn’t know exactly what.

Her dad, Her grandma, Dowook, Song Yeong-joo, Heejeongwon, then back to her dad and her grandma repeatedly surfaced and sank in her mind. She missed them.

Her breath tightened, and she needed to exhale to breathe properly. But if she did, they would notice her presence. For some reason, she felt she absolutely shouldn’t be discovered. She didn’t know why. At that moment, nothing was clear.

Why did I have to hear such words, why were they talking about me like that? 

She couldn’t even understand the meaning of their words.

“Junhee…”

Someone called her softly. When she turned around, it was one of the staff from Heejeongwon.

A woman who often relayed messages from Song Yeong-joo between her house and Dowook’s annex and occasionally brought Junhee precious snacks. A woman Junhee had called sister and followed for a long time.

Seeing Junhee’s pale face, the woman bit her lip. She glanced beyond the wall and then called Junhee softly again.

“Come here, Junhee.”

The woman’s face showed pity as she reached out her hand to Junhee.

“Come here. It’s okay, Junhee.”

No, sister. I’m not okay. It hurts so much. It hurts so, so much I don’t know what to do. 

The woman called Junhee again, desperately.

“Over here, Junhee.”

The woman’s small voice was filled with worry. She was afraid that they would discover Junhee’s presence.

Ah, I was someone who shouldn’t be discovered. 

She almost laughed. Only Junhee hadn’t known she was such an embarrassing existence. That’s why Song Yeong-joo firmly warned the woman not to reveal Junhee’s presence carelessly.

The woman kept urging Junhee to come over. Junhee wanted to ask her.

Where to?  Where should I go, sister?

Laughter mixed with their conversation came from beyond the wall again. Her vision blurred. She realized she couldn’t endure any longer. Junhee finally took the outstretched hand. She walked as the woman led her.

She didn’t know where she was going and walked silently, holding back her sobs. Tears streamed down her face, but she couldn’t make a sound.

Even the sound of stepping on fallen leaves made her nervous. She worried that the sound of her quick steps on the stone path would reach them.

The autumn wind felt especially cold against her skin. Her wrist, which had been holding the heavy container for a long time, ached as if it would break. Her chest stung constantly as if it had been slashed. It all hurt terribly, but she didn’t know exactly what hurt the most.

Did Dowook know that they used me and my family for such purposes?

She knew that Dowook’s parents and grandfather were using her. She wasn’t foolish enough to believe their words that they treated her like a daughter or granddaughter.

Because it benefits Dowook. Because it’s necessary. Because it’s worth using. She vaguely sensed these things.

So she smiled more and tried harder. She knew unconsciously that if her grades fell and the gap widened between her and him, they wouldn’t need her anymore.

If her grades dropped and she couldn’t serve as his pacemaker, she wanted to prove her worth in other ways. So she reported every detail of his actions to Song Yeong-joo. It happened naturally, without her deciding to do so. She didn’t want to be cast aside. She wanted to stay by Dowook’s side.

That was the truth. It was an embarrassing and pride-hurting truth she hid deep inside, even from herself.

But all those efforts seemed foolish now. She realized she didn’t need to try so hard. She and her family were more useful to them than she thought, and their usefulness was more vulgar and cruel than she imagined.

It was absurd that they had given her and her parents money and allowed her to stay at Heejeongwon for such ridiculous reasons. She found it frightening and terrifying that they could give away so much without a second thought. Song Yeong-joo’s kind smile now seemed hypocritical.

Thinking of Song Yeong-joo made a lump of lead rise in her throat.

She had selfishly thought of her as a mother-like figure. She thought she had someone in Seoul who cared for and looked after her like a mother. She had thought and longed for that alone.

Song Yeong-joo had occasionally been kind to her, but it was Junhee who had opened her heart and given her affection for those small acts of kindness. Knowing that she had selfishly set her up as such a figure and longed for her would surely disgust Song Yeong-joo.

She closed her eyes tightly and opened them to erase thoughts of Song Yeong-joo. She couldn’t bear the embarrassment and foolishness of having sought affection from her and tried to please her.

She stopped her hurried steps. She bent over and panted heavily. It was behind the large tree trunk in front of the pond at Heejeongwon. The woman was saying something in front of her. Words of comfort or pity, she couldn’t tell.

Sweat or tears, she didn’t know, kept falling on the shaded green grass.

Junhee wondered again. 

Did Dowook know? Did he know that I and my family were used to ward off his misfortune? Did he know all about my shameful and pitiful self and still keep me by his side? Did he know that all I could be to him was just that?

A sob-laden laugh burst out. 

What does it matter now? What’s the use of knowing all this now?

Hatred sprouted in her heart. It quickly turned to resentment. She wanted to do something bad. She wanted to repay them for looking down on her and her family. Her heart seethed with bad thoughts.

She put the container on the ground and turned around. She ignored the woman’s words behind her and ran towards the back gate of Heejeongwon. The woman didn’t dare call out loudly to her. She didn’t dare run after her and grab her. They must not reveal her presence.

Realizing this, Junhee couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh even as she ran away crying. The laugh soon turned into a sorrowful grimace. At nineteen, Junhee understood what it meant for her chest to ache as if it were being torn apart.

She wiped her tears with the back of her hand and walked diligently along the stone wall path. No matter how much she wiped her tears, they wouldn’t stop flowing. She missed her dad. She wanted to be held in her grandmother’s arms. She wanted to return to Nonsan as soon as possible.

But Heejeongwon was too vast. The way back seemed far, and the walls of that house remained incredibly high.