Chapter 8 – Bad Girl (Part 3)

While using the excuse of being tired of this relationship, while claiming she couldn’t bear her own wretched self, she had come down to Nonsan and holed up in her room, unconsciously knowing.

As always, Dowook would come back to hold onto her. He would wait for her. Even if she abandoned Choi Dowook, he wouldn’t be able to abandon her.

When did I become so shameless? Is this rotten, selfish heart love, or just the inertia of a long relationship?

“If you hate it and blame me like this, you shouldn’t have abandoned me. No matter how hard it is, you should have stayed by my side, kept watching over me, and kept loving me.”

“…Do you think I have all the time in the world to do that? Do I have to watch over you forever to make sure you don’t do anything stupid?”

“Stupid?”

Dowook chuckled.

“How much stupid stuff have I done? Most of the time, I lived listening to you. I studied and worked as you told me, got recognized because I promised to make you happy when we started dating, because I promised to listen to you, so I suppressed my temper and lived kindly and diligently!”

“You drank heavily at Hanyanghoe and called me. You were with other women. You went to clubs and let someone touch your thigh. Even before that, you sometimes did bad things and called me over!”

“How would I know if there were other women? I didn’t see any. I don’t even remember if there were any! You threw me away for a ridiculous reason, so I tried to get your attention, wanted you to come and scold me again, because when I did that as a child, you would come and see me, so I wanted you to see me again!”

“…….”

“So you really don’t know? My feelings, do you really still not know?”

In the end, she was at a loss for words at that question. Because she knew. Because she knew everything.

Dowook showed his wounded face plainly. Forgotten old memories suddenly surfaced. She had seen that similar face before.

A long time ago, when she once broke up with him. When he begged her not to, saying he was wrong, asking why she was abandoning him. After clinging for a long time and finally realizing Junhee wouldn’t change her mind, he asked with red eyes.

‘What were all those things we shared? Can you really end it with me after that? How can you dare to say it’s over after doing such things with me?’

At that time, Junhee was immature and clumsy, her heartache too painful to consider his wounds. She said nothing.

‘Can’t friends do anything?’

At those words, everything stopped.

The hand holding her wrist fell away. His face hardened, and time and wind all stopped. He stood there for a long time, unmoving.

Slowly, sadness and hatred filled Dowook’s eyes. Junhee’s heart pounded irregularly as she faced him.

After a long time, he let out a twisted laugh. His eyes were still bloodshot. Tears flowed down his cheeks, but he closed his red eyes and kept laughing.

He blinked.

The young Dowook, who was somewhere between a boy and a man, disappeared.

The man before her was still twisted but had matured differently. The curves of his eyes were deeper, and the lines of his lips were thicker.

A deep silence pooled. Dowook’s thick neck moved a few times, and a long breath flowed from his lips.

“Ah, I didn’t mean to get angry.”

He made a strange smile, perhaps to calm his anger. Tilting his head and looking at Junhee diagonally, then lifting his head again as if he had no choice, he was no longer the child of those days.

He knew how to let himself burn and then quietly cool down. He knew how to skillfully hide his emotions and control his anger.

“I hate it when you talk about Sim Hye-joo.”

Dowook’s hands, which caressed Junhee’s face and ran through her hair, were also skillful.

“I tried to overlook whatever you said, but I hate hearing it.”

So, he said, he couldn’t hold back and kissed her, making a slightly apologetic face. Paradoxically, Dowook didn’t look sorry at all.

Only his hands, which caressed Junhee’s cheeks and hair, were tender. His eyes, which tried to read and soothe her emotions, were so affectionate.

Her defiance and harsh heart softened at his touch and gaze. Instead, a childlike sadness surged up. She lowered her head. Her eyes grew hot. She wanted to let out her sorrowful feelings.

“You… you didn’t understand me either. You told me to strip. I, I wanted to be like you…”

I wanted to do well. I liked your brilliance. I wanted to be that kind of person to you too. But while you kept advancing, you kept telling me to stay. You didn’t understand that painful feeling at all.

“Should I throw myself to the ground?”

While her throat was hot and she couldn’t speak, Dowook spoke. She lifted her bowed head. Dowook was staring at her. His eyes were always deep and sticky. Eyes that dug deep into her. 

Go ahead. 

If Junhee said so, he would truthfully throw himself to the ground.

Just from his eyes, Junhee realized he had understood all her inner thoughts. He was saying that knowing everything. Junhee shook her head. She didn’t want that.

“If it will make you feel better, I’ll throw myself to the ground.”

Dowook gently stroked Junhee’s cheek with his fingertips. 

Then it’ll be okay. Then you won’t suffer from inferiority beside me, and you can come back to me. 

He whispered tenderly.

“Don’t say such things carelessly.”

Junhee brushed off Dowook’s hand and snarled fiercely. Dowook’s eyes briefly turned cruel. He didn’t understand why she was stopping him.

For a moment, Junhee’s vision blurred. She realized that even though he understood her feelings, understanding her was a separate issue. It might be impossible for him to fully understand her. She shouldn’t expect that. Feeling desolate, she suddenly realized that even though she knew a lot about Choi Dowook, she didn’t fully understand him either.

Junhee knew Choi Dowook, who was blindly devoted to her. She knew but couldn’t fully understand that heart. Choi Dowook, who acted obsessively towards her, was something Junhee couldn’t even understand about herself. Even now, he had eyes that said he would do anything to hold onto Junhee.

She had to stop him from doing that. She couldn’t fully understand his heart, but she knew what would scare him the most at times like this.

“Then I’ll hate you more.”

When she said that, Dowook’s eyebrows twitched. 

“Just try. I’ll never see you again. “

She spoke, feeling a surge of sadness. She truly hated him.

“How can you say such things? Since we started dating, you know how hard I worked to make up for getting on your grandfather’s bad side. You know how much we struggled over the years to get him to accept you back and allow you to join Taesan. Knowing all the efforts we put in, how can you speak so carelessly?”

As she poured out her words, tears quickly filled her eyes. A tear, heated with emotion, rolled down her cheek.

“I’m sorry.”

“Even if it’s just words, you shouldn’t say such things carelessly.”

“I was wrong.”

“Words have power. Don’t you know how much it would hurt me if that really happened….”

“I’m a bastard.”

Unable to continue, her face contorted. She turned away, hating him, but he grabbed her hand.

“Keep scolding me.”

Dowook pulled Junhee’s hand to his cheek. His smooth cheek leaning into her small hand looked beautiful and precarious.

His eyes were dry, like a beast abandoned in the middle of a desert. His face was pitiful and wretched, like someone who had grasped much from a high place but failed to obtain the most precious thing.

“I was wrong.”

I didn’t understand you then. I took your painful words lightly. I thought my pain was greater than yours.

His voice was so gentle as he apologized. His hand stroking Junhee’s hair was endlessly soft. So, his apology felt sincere.

In that moment, she felt the illusion of being understood by him. Even though she knew it was a lie to deceive her heart. Even though she knew she could never fully be understood by him.

A wave rose in her chest. Emotions surged and swayed.

She really tried to hate him. She tried not to see him again. Ah, she couldn’t hate him. She couldn’t push him away anymore.

“Really… did she only brush against you?”

Her question was incoherent, but he instantly understood what she meant.

“She only brushed against me.”

“…Nothing else happened?”

“Nothing happened. You know, I can’t do without you.”

“Still, you shouldn’t do that.”

“You’re right, I shouldn’t. I was wrong.”

“But… we already broke up.”

“Says who?”

“You did. You said it was over. You turned away, saying you’d let me go.”

“Did you believe that?”

Dowook laughed. It was an arrogant yet tender laugh. Though some anger remained, his laugh was still tender.

“…No matter how you feel, I was clearly trying to end things with you—”

Junhee couldn’t finish her sentence. Her face contorted with distress. Dowook’s tender laugh shattered her harsh resolve. She knew how much he loved her. It was hard to say harsh words to him. Her chest ached.

“I’m sorry.”

She spat out the words like a confession.

“I’m sorry, Dowook. I… I….”

Junhee was indeed the bad one. She shouldn’t have hurt Dowook, who cherished her selfishly for so long, just because she was having a hard time. She shouldn’t have made him feel like he could be discarded carelessly. It was wrong of her to try to push him away by mentioning other women. Just because she was in pain, she shouldn’t have made Dowook suffer too.

‘Can you really end it with me?’

His question from before resurfaced.