Epilogue 1 – Nights of the Four Seasons (Part 4)

Fantasies and m*sturbation became a normal part of his life. He undid his belt anywhere, anytime. He roughly shook his d*sgusting er*ect*on. Woo Junhee moaned under him, over him in his imagination.

Even while ravishing her in his imagination, Dowook was scared. 

What if someone steals her because she’s so pretty? Why doesn’t she see me? It’s like she hates me. Like she’ll leave me anytime.

Maybe because real Woo Junhee constantly ignored and pushed him away. Imaginary Woo Junhee never looked at him. Even while moaning and dripping wet, her gaze always avoided him.

That made Dowook terribly angry.

Why don’t you look at me? Look at me. Look at me. You should look at me. You’re my Woo Junhee.

He grabbed her thick hair. He caressed her red cheeks and slipped his fingers between her parted lips. Still, her gaze didn’t turn to him. That annoyed him. He thrust his p*nis deeper and deeper, almost desperately.

Her narrowing eyes, crinkling nose, lips that tried to close but parted, flushed cheeks, long arms reaching for him.

He wanted to have all of it. Desire surged. Unable to satisfy that desire, Dowook cursed and spewed harsh words at Woo Junhee. He chained her, stripped her anywhere, and thrust his p*nis in, doing vile things.

But it was all in his imagination.

In reality, he couldn’t even hurt a toe of Woo Junhee. He couldn’t shout at her and dared not reveal his filthy fantasies.

He didn’t want Woo Junhee to hate him. He wanted Woo Junhee to like him a lot, very much. He wanted Woo Junhee to like him more than his mother, more than her family. He wanted to be the only one in Woo Junhee’s world, so she would only look at him and wait for him. But no matter how much he grasped, Woo Junhee didn’t get caught in his hands. The more he grasped, the further she seemed to go.

Dark desires swirled inside him. Unable to control those desires, he drowned in cigarettes and alcohol. At least he didn’t do drugs. It was the minimum line, because if Woo Junhee found out, he would be irredeemably abandoned.

He had always hoped she wouldn’t grow up pretty. But she cruelly betrayed that desperate hope and grew up pretty, turning his insides upside down. She made him anxious all the time, shaking his entire seasons, entire nights. Making him unable to endure without possessing her.

I want to have her. I will have her. Let me have her. Damn it, but how?

So, why did I come to like Woo Junhee? 

He retraced his thoughts.

But no matter how much he traced back and rummaged through his mind, he couldn’t find a logical reason. He thought the same thing he did at the beginning. By the time he came to his senses, it was already that way.

From the beginning, she was my Woo Junhee. From the beginning, she was given to me as mine.

Among the things designated as his, the one he liked the most was Woo Junhee.

Like the sun rises during the day and the world turns dark at night, like needing air to breathe and drinking water when thirsty. It was just a very natural thing.

‘You’re too young to understand, but love is originally like that. If there’s a reason for love, then it’s not love.’

He recalled his stupid father’s blank answer from long ago. Damn it, the moment he understood his cowardly and foolish father whom he despised.

Still, I won’t be as cowardly as you. I won’t let my thing live hidden in the shadows. I will announce to the world that Woo Junhee is mine and warn them. So no one dares to hurt her, so no one dares to covet her.

How could I let her cry in hiding? How could I exchange saliva with another woman while she’s there? 

Imagining Woo Junhee crying alone without him made his chest ache. His mood instantly plummeted.

He would surely be different from his father. Suddenly, he felt time was too precious. Trying to understand his father, questioning the reasons for his love.

He no longer questioned the reasons for that natural thing.

***

Woo Junhee’s second college entrance exam ended. Again, Woo Junhee didn’t come to him. She said she would come after the exam. She said she would give an answer if he waited. But she abandoned Dowook again.

He looked up at the snowy December sky and let out a laugh. Maybe he was used to being abandoned. He felt dirty, but laughter escaped. Maybe he had already sensed this would happen.

He deeply inhaled the cigarette until his cheeks hollowed. Exhaling the smoke, he habitually raised his eyebrows. He flicked the half-smoked cigarette into the bushes and got off the hood.

He was on his way back to his officetel from Heejeongwon, having pulled over on the shoulder to release his s*xual desire twice. He stepped outside to cool off and smoked a cigarette, then headed back to the driver’s seat.

Anyway, the exam is over, so now I have to go get her. I have to catch her. She’ll probably hate it. She’ll probably say only mean things. It will turn my insides upside down and make my blood boil.

Should I change my approach this time? No matter how tough she acts, she’s a tender-hearted girl. Should I act like I’m going to die in front of Woo Junhee? Should I crash the car into her house wall while in the driver’s seat? What if I put drugs in my mouth and threaten her? Then maybe she’ll pity me and look back at me.

But what if Woo Junhee still doesn’t accept me?

His chest tightened. That sensation was also familiar now. But what can he do? 

No matter how much you hate me and ignore me, no matter how much you abandon me again and again, I also don’t know how to cut off this desire, and I don’t even have the will to do so.

By then, he couldn’t tell if he pitied himself or Woo Junhee. He genuinely felt sorry for Woo Junhee.

Woo Junhee hates him this much, but what bad luck did she have to catch his eye?

He was shameless, selfish, persistent, lowly, always immersed in vile thoughts, constantly erecting his p*nis, and ej*culating several times a day.

Woo Junhee wouldn’t be able to fully handle his s*xual desire and obsession. Even if she pitied him and accepted him, she might eventually get tired and leave again.

Still, I’ll treat you well. I’ll cherish you. I’ll make you the happiest in the world. Now I only see you. After making me like this, I can’t stand seeing you run away alone.

So, poor Woo Junhee was indeed unlucky to have caught his eye. 

No matter how much you hate me and ignore me, no matter how much you abandon me again and again, I will eventually have you. From the beginning, you were destined to be mine. So someday, I will. Someday, definitely….

The cold snow touched his cheek. Leaning against the bonnet, Dowook glanced up. There was a time when he waited for Woo Junhee like this before.

Woo Junhee’s second bar exam ended in January. It was a day when the morning news blared about record-breaking cold waves hitting Seoul. The snow hadn’t stopped from morning to evening. The world was entirely white under the black sky.

Why do exams last for five days? 

Dowook frowned as he looked at the school building where Junhee was. His gaze towards the building was close to hatred.

Over the past six months, he had run to Nonsan to bring all sorts of delicacies to Junhee, feeding her by hand to fatten her up. But as the exam approached, instead of gaining weight, Junhee had lost 4 kilograms compared to half a year ago. If he hadn’t taken care of her, she would have lost even more.

What the hell is that damn exam?

Why does it make Woo Junhee suffer for six months and take up five whole days?

He checked his wristwatch. It was time to feed her dinner, but it still wasn’t over. Trying to soothe his burning nerves, he took out a cigarette. His eyes, filled with murderous intent, were still directed at the school building.

Dowook didn’t care at all about the glances people were giving him.

Half a year ago, Junhee had said she wouldn’t see Dowook until after the exam, suggesting they both focus on their respective tasks—Dowook in Seoul and Junhee in Nonsan. But in truth, Dowook didn’t follow that.

‘Will you really not see me until the exam is over? Not even once, not even a little?’

He asked just before leaving Nonsan, placing his cheek against Junhee’s small palm and putting on a kind face.

‘I won’t disturb you. I’m just worried.’

Though he was on the verge of madness from how lovely Junhee’s hesitant face looked, Dowook didn’t show it.

‘…Just once.’

‘Once every quarter?’

He knew she meant once every six months, but he deliberately asked. Junhee’s bright eyes rolled to the floor in contemplation. After a moment, Junhee whispered softly.

‘Once every quarter.’

Dowook didn’t miss that opening.

‘Once a month? We can have one meal together. I promise I won’t be a bother.’

‘…Okay, once a month.’

‘Once a week?’

‘Hoo, Choi Dowook.’

‘Fine, once a month.’

Though he said that and turned away, he didn’t keep that promise either.

He tried to hold back, but he missed her so much it was unbearable. He couldn’t focus on anything because thoughts of her floated in his mind. He was worried because her voice didn’t sound good over the phone. She had caught a cold and couldn’t eat. While driving, he thought of her. Before he knew it, he was back there.

One night, he went down without notice and made all sorts of pitiful excuses, and eventually, Junhee accepted him.

In the end, Dowook saw her once a week.

You always gave in to me. You always eventually gave in. So this time too, you give in to me.

Junhee thinks he always gives in to her, but in reality, it’s her who understands and accepts Dowook’s selfishness and stubbornness from childhood until now.

It was always Woo Junhee who eventually understood and accepted his apologies, love, and obsession.

He loved that Woo Junhee always gave in to his apologies, love, and obsession and hugged him.

Every time, he was driven crazy by how lovely Woo Junhee was. No one could fully understand his feelings. They shouldn’t understand. Woo Junhee’s heart belonged only to him.

So Woo Junhee was his, fit perfectly for him, all along. He made it that way, and Woo Junhee willingly became that way too.

But that didn’t satisfy all his desires. He wanted a deeper union. Dowook still suffered from unquenched thirst.

No matter how much Woo Junhee whispered that she loved him, no matter how much they intertwined their bodies and spent time together, his greedy and shameless self kept wanting more.

He wanted to share an eternal token with Woo Junhee, a promise to be together until death. Even if someday Woo Junhee got tired of his love and left him again, he wanted a legitimate reason to bring her back.

Once he had that in hand, he would probably crave something else of Woo Junhee’s and rush in. He still loved Woo Junhee, who made his life boil, to the point of madness

.

Lost in thought, staring at the snow-covered ground, he lifted his gaze again. People were coming out of the building. The exam must have ended. He dropped his cigarette and got off the bonnet. He also headed towards the building. There were several exits. He searched for Woo Junhee with his eyes, and from afar, someone called his name.

“Dowook, Choi Dowook…!”

Amidst the people hugging thick padded jackets, he saw Woo Junhee. Junhee was running towards him, calling his name. Her cheeks were flushed red from the cold. Her gaze no longer avoided him. Her face, full of a lovely smile, was directed at him.

Mesmerized by that smile, he unconsciously stopped walking. He stood there blankly, watching Junhee approach. Snowflakes swirled around her.

In a world of black and white, only Woo Junhee had color. In this winter, like spring, like petals, Woo Junhee came to him.

Defying the logic of all seasons, ignoring the laws of the world, Woo Junhee, who seized him every moment, was his one and only love. On this cold night, an unquenchable desire was running towards him.